伊莱扎和真心话（2017）

明亮的灯光 大城市
Bright lights, big city.
我等不及要交新朋友了
I can't wait to make new friends.
新朋友 不可能的
New friends? No way.
你太大个了
You're too big.
我是个懂行人 我看过很多色情片
I should know. I watch a lot of porn.
太大了
Too big?
但是 我感觉自己不大啊
But, but I don't feel big.
是啊 而且你毛也太多了
Yeah. And you have too much hair.
回家吧 软蛋
Go back home, Floppy.
好了 好了 别难过了 小姐
There, there. Don't be sad, Miss.
但是那几个男人 我都不认识他们
But those men, I didn't even know them.
他们对我太刻薄了
They were so mean to me.
他们羞辱我和我的容貌
They shamed me and my looks.
我不该来这里的
I shouldn't have come here.
别因他们而难过
Don't let them make you sad.
你只是需要变得自信
You just need to be confident.
来吧 亲爱的 我会告诉你
Come on, sweetheart, I'll show you.
做阴♥道♥难难难
Being a vagina is difficult.
你需要埋头苦干
You're expected to work hard,
小巧玲珑 能伸能缩
stretch while staying small,
干干净净
always be clean.
许许多多各怀鬼胎的人会找你麻烦
And you have a lot of people coming at you for all sorts of things.
嘿 小甜心
Hey there, sweet thing.
如果你跟我上楼 我有100刀给你
I got 100 bucks if you, uh, want to come upstairs.
100刀 也许我该去
Oh, 100 bucks? Maybe I should.
我用得上这笔钱
I could use the money.
如果 如果我有急事怎么办
What, What if I have an emergency?
如果我得了人乳♥头♥瘤病毒怎么办
What if I get HPV?
别担心
Don't worry.
人乳♥头♥瘤病毒没有症状 所以它完全变成癌症前
HPV has no symptoms, so you won't even know
你甚至都不知道你生病了
until it becomes full-blown cancer.
如果计划生育协会没有联邦资金支持的话
And if Planned Parenthood is federally de-funded,
没有保险的人
it will nearly be impossible for anyone
几乎不可能得到他们需要的预防性护理
without insurance to get the preventative care they need.
在你决定做个蠢逼之前
Guess you should've thought about that
我想你应该考虑到这点
before you decided to be a stupid vagina.
做阴♥道♥好可怕
Being a vagina is scary.
我希望我会没事
I hope I'll be all right.
需要来个水汽蒸阴♥道♥吗
Can I offer you a vaginal steaming?
它能净化你 让你恢复活力
It cleanses and revitalizes you.
但我不需要蒸汽
But I don't need steaming.
我是自我清洁的 大家都知道
I'm self-cleaning. I'm known for it.
你要我给你除毛吗
You want I wax you?
让你像桃子一样光滑
Make you smooth, like peach.
但是
But...
我不想看起来像个桃子
I don't want to look like a peach.
我是个阴♥道♥
I'm a vagina.
我喜欢我的毛
I, I like my hair.
没毛我会很冷的
I'm going to be cold.
咔咔几下 我可以剪去你的阴♥唇♥肥
Couple snips, I could get rid of some of that lip fat.
让你的模样重返18岁
Make you look 18 again.
够了 够了
Enough. Enough.
我不想当水果
I don't wanna be a fruit,
我不想重返18岁
and I don't wanna be 18.
我本身就很美
I'm beautiful the way that I am.
每个人都想认识我
Everyone wants to know me.
不包括我 亲爱的
Not me, honey.
我是特别的
I'm special.
我把爱带入这个世界 我有趣
I bring love into the world, and I'm fun.
我有用
I'm functional.
我注定要得到珍视和宠爱
I'm meant to be treasured and loved.
还有吻
And kissed.
别忘了被亲 - 什么
Don't forget kissed! - What?
所有的阴♥道♥ 大阴♥唇♥或是毛茸茸
All vaginas, if we have big lips or we're furry,
都没关系
that's okay,
因为我们本来就该如此
because that's the way we're supposed to be.
没错
That's right.
认识我们是你们的幸运
And you've been lucky to know us.
现在你明白了 小可爱
Now you're getting it, cutie.
你闭嘴
And you hush!
我不需要一个男人来告诉我 我的价值
I don't need a man telling me my worth!
由一个男人旁白一出关于阴♥道♥的戏 到底是要干嘛
What's a guy narrating a play about a vagina for, anyway?
找点爱好吧
Get a hobby.
你对我的生活了解多少
What do you know about my life?
没什么 我只是 - 没错
Well, nothing. I just... - That's right.
你什么都不知道
You don't know anything.
所以别再给我取什么傻♥逼♥名字 害我伤心
So quit calling me stupid names and making me feel bad
明明你才是那个迷恋我的人
when you're the one who's obsessed with me.
来吧 姑娘们 我们一起去看<神奇女侠>
Come on, girls! We're going to see Wonder Woman!
男的不准入内
No boys allowed.
女同性恋
Lesbian.
我们马上就回来参加一个特别的毕业典礼
We'll be right back with a very special graduation ceremony.
别走开
Stick around.
希望你学到了 你的阴♥道♥很正常
Hopefully, you learned your vagina is normal,
或者坐在你旁边的女人
or that the woman sitting next to you,
她的阴♥道♥是正常的
her vagina is normal.
如果你没有学到
And if you didn't,
别担心
don't worry,
这一集将在40秒后重播
this episode re-airs in like 40 seconds.
这让我想到了今天的节日
And that brings me to today's holiday.
今天是全国高等教育日
It is national higher education day.
以此为荣
And in honor of that,
我们要给观众颁发毕业证
we are giving everyone in the audience diplomas
代表你们从<伊莱扎和真心话>
for graduating from the Truth & Iliza
"你的阴♥道♥很正常"这一集学成毕业
"Your Vagina is Normal" episode.
首先我要感谢Sherry A. Ross医生
But first, I want to thank Dr. Sherry A. Ross,
我们的主题女王 可爱的Phoebe Robinson
our theme queen, the lovely Phoebe Robinson,
和扮演播音员的Eric Griffin
and my play announcer Eric Griffin.
你可以在Showtime星期天播出的
You can watch him on
<含笑上台>里看到他
"I'm Dying Up Here" this Sunday on Showtime.
现在请大家上来拿学位
Now, come on up, audience, and get your degree.
非常感谢你收看<伊莱扎和真心话>
Thank you so much for watching the season of Truth & Iliza,
祝你生活愉快
and enjoy your life.