伊莱扎和真心话（2017）

谢谢大家
Thank you.
欢迎收看<伊莱扎和真心话>
Welcome to Truth And Iliza.
我们这档深夜秀是唯一一个
The only late night show where there's a dog
在舞台上放狗的节目
within ten feet of the stage at all times.
这是为了保险钱
For insurance purposes.
今晚的主题是"社会在退步吗"
Tonight we're asking "Is society devolving"?
我们处在一个史无前例的历史节点
We are in an unprecedented era in human history
现如今 人和人之间无时无刻不能沟通
because everyone can communicate with everyone all the time.
某个2014年跟你约会过的路人甲
A guy you went out with once in 2014
也能在你的脸书上祝你"生日快乐"
can post "Happy Birthday" on your Facebook.
离我远点 我俩早掰了
Leave me alone. I broke up with you.
你长了颗奇怪的牙齿
You had weird, a weird tooth.
你妈可能会因为误触给你连发五条又长又臭的语♥音♥
Your mom can leave you five long voice mails of butt dials.
一个土耳其小青年
And a teenage boy in Turkey
还特地发推特告诉我 说要对我的喜剧特辑提点一下
can apparently tweet me that he has notes on my comedy specials.
我就想问了
And then I'd be like
"哪一个"
"which one?
"我出过三♥期♥呢"
I have three."
但是我认为社会正在退步
Uh but I think we're devolving
因为我们的话变多了 内涵却变少了
because we're saying more while actually saying less.
推特一次只能发140字
Twitter has us down to 140 characters.
我们在Instagram发的图片配字也超短
We post pictures on Instagram with tiny captions,
即使这样 读起来也太费事儿
and even that's too much reading
所以有的人就干脆发快拍
so some of us just send Snapchats.
然而 太可悲了
And yet. So sad. And yet.
我看到后排有一堆家长在极力赞同 "说得好"
There's a row of parents in the back like, yeah,
"不可理喻"
ridiculous.
然而 没人感受到被倾听或被理解
And yet no one feels heard or understood.
我们正在经历一场沟通故障
We're having a communication breakdown,
观察下男人搭讪女人的方式
and in no place is this more evident
你就能直观感受到这有多灾难
than in the way men hit on women.
图上是人类进化史
Here we have the evolution of man.
我们都看过
We've all seen this.
简略版是这样的
The condensed version is that
人类最开始是热带草原上的猩猩
man starts off basically as an ape on the savannas,
最后终于学会了在小木屋旁边系鞋带
and eventually learns to tie his shoes on by a cabana.
但是
Uh but,
但是我们又研究出了搭讪退化史
but here we have the evolution of the pickup line.
社会形成之初
At the beginning of society,
如果一个男人想娶到老婆
it was a requirement for men
就得为此付出一番实质性的努力
to make a substantial effort if they wanted a wife.
一开始
Originally,
男方得给女方家庭送些东西
this was done by offering the woman's family,
比如说一头羊
say a goat.
之后呢
Then,
大概一千年之后
like a thousand years later,
男人搭讪的方式变得更加浪漫了
men started courting women in more romantic ways
情书提笔就来
and began writing love letters.
几百年之后
Then several hundred years later,
搭讪场合变成了酒吧
it was in person at bars,
这要求男人们
which required men to have
性格好 会说话
some semblance of a personality, verbal ability,
讲卫生 当然了 还得有点钱 因为酒还得他们买♥♥呢
hygiene, and of course money, those drinks don't buy themselves.
快进到近些年 短♥信♥登场了
Fast forward to recently when we got texts.
是的
Yes,
非常浪漫
very romantic.
拿破仑和约瑟芬你们就羡慕去吧
Suck on that Napoleon and Josephine.
但就连这种短♥信♥都有人觉得累
But even that communication proved to be too taxing,
所以我们又从写字退化到了发图
so we devolved from written words to pictures.
生殖器官图
Dick pictures.
那根为什么那么大
Why is that so big? Like, that's,
感觉他放大了很多倍
like he was like zooming it.
但这个名字也有人觉得太长了
But even that was too many syllables.
于是干脆简称它为"屌♥图"
And now we just call them dick pics.
最后那张图是土耳其男孩儿发我的
The last pic's from that guy in Turkey.
别再发这些给我了 Mehmet
Stop sending these to me Mehmet,
直接给我的特辑打五星好评 然后麻溜地把我的桌子端上来
and just write my specials five stars and bring out my desk.
我每次坐下去的时候都战战兢兢的
I like never trusted that chair is gonna be there.
这首歌♥是纳什维尔的Luke写的
That song was written by Luke from Nashville
我觉得挺好 感觉是工业包豪斯风格愤怒电子乐
I don't mind that, it was like industrial Bauhaus anger techno.
如果你也想给我的桌子写一首歌♥
Um if you'd like to submit a bring out my desk song,
请去我的Instagram主页查看详情 并且欢迎你往下翻翻看
check out my Instagram for details and feel free to scroll through it,
因为这个周末我订婚啦
because I got engaged this weekend.
好样的各位
Hang on there,
我们做到啦
we made it.
今夜我们的问题是"社会在退步吗"
So tonight we're asking is society devolving
为了寻找这个问题的答案
And to help answer that question
我们请来了<明星杂♥志♥>的高级编辑Shallon Lester
we will have senior editor of Star magazine Shallon Lester,
她是我的朋友 稍后她会上台
she's my friend and she's joining us later.
但让我们先掌声欢迎今夜的主题之王
But I'm not gonna start the show without introducing our theme king
来自<副总统>剧组的Timothy Simons
Timothy Simons from Veep is here.
Timothy
Timothy
你在<副总统>里扮演一位饱受尊敬
you're known for playing the totally respected
并且个性张扬的国会议员
and not at all subtle jab at our governments inner workings
在内政部门辛勤工作的Jonah Ryan
Congressman Jonah Ryan on Veep.
所以我想问问你
So my question to you is
你觉得社会在倒♥退♥吗
do you think society is devolving?
关我屁事 爱咋咋地
Who even cares? It's fine.
我感觉自己像是你妈在问你"今天上学感觉如何呀"
I feel like I'm your mom trying like, how was your school today?
烦死啦 我不想读书
Come on, I don't wanna read books.
我只想喝汽水和转这个玩儿 - 汽水儿
I want to drink soda and do this. - Soda.
告诉你一件事哦 这些指尖陀螺呢
The fun thing about those fidget spinners
等你不玩儿了 把它们丢掉
is that when you're done playing with it
它们会一直留在垃圾填埋场 永远不可能自然降解
it's gonna go into a landfill and never biodegrade.
是不是很有意思
Isn't that fun?
太值了吧 朋友们 血赚啊 - 就让他们吃指尖陀螺去吧
Worth it guys, worth it. - Let them eat fidget spinners.
有一种方法可以鉴定社会是否在堕落
So a way to tell if society is falling apart
那就是观察下这个时代的潮流和创新
is to look at its trends and innovations.
然而在裤子这方面
Based on what's happening with pants,
我的论断是 人类离完蛋不远了
I'm leaning toward the end is near.
在过去的几个月里
Just in the last few months
购物网站上出现了价值425美元的泥巴牛仔裤
we've had $425 mud soaked jeans for sale.
穿这个就是为了告诉世人
These are for when you wanna tell the world
"我有钱没处花 所以我雇人往我裤子上拉屎"
"I'm so rich I pay other people to shit my pants for me."
对吧
Yeah.
"而且我还要把这种裤子穿在身上"
"And then I wear those pants."
还有这种在膝盖部位搞两块透明塑料的老妈裤
We have these mom jeans with clear plastic knee panels,
为了方便你秀出
for when you wanna show off
你身上最脏兮兮 最皱巴巴的部位
the scabbiest, nobbiest part of your body.
这些是给谁穿的啊 追求刺♥激♥的阿米什女人吗
Who are these for? Like Amish women who just wanna thrill?
Zeke别光顾着看我的膝盖呀 我的眼睛在这儿呢
Zeke don't look at my knees. My eyes are up here,
别忘了还有这种屁♥股♥上带拉链儿的裤子
Or we have these jeans with a zipper over your butt
当你想给屁♥股♥放放风的时候穿
for when you just want to air it out, like,
什么鬼啊
what? These are,
如果你需要快速排便的话 这些裤子就太实用了 就直接地
These are great if you just like need to poop real fast, like "I just..."
人类已经懒到这种程度了吗
Are we so lazy that pulling her own pants down
连脱个裤子都嫌麻烦吗
has become too much of a burden?
我感觉这有点像以前穿的那种睡衣
I feel like this is just, this is like the modern version of
不过升级成现代版了 - 屁♥股♥那儿能掀开的那种吗
like those old timey PJs that you wear in the - With the flap?
对 就是那种 对吧
With the flap. Right?
但是那个拉链有点儿色情啊 你想想
There's something so sensual about that zipper, though, like...
是的
Yeah.
你可能会说 "Iliza 不是我说 时尚界就是难以理解的"
So you're saying, "but Iliza, fashion's always absurd.
"科学界的新发现不也是吗"
What about discoveries in science?"
冷静点儿朋友 这问题也具体得太诡异了吧
And I'm like calm down, that's a weirdly specific question.
那个巨激动的观众 大家还记得吗 现在我也要开始了
Overhyped audience, remember? And I'm getting to it.
是的没错 科学家们正在努力
Okay yes. So scientists are currently working on
为癌症研究做出重大贡献
an amazing breakthrough in cancer research,
还在努力寻找人类可以移居的星球
and discovering planets we might be able to escape to,
以防我们被困在这个叫作地球的放射性大坑
once the earth has turned into a radioactive pit of fidget spinners,