伊莱扎和真心话（2017）

朋友们 我们的总统出国了 尽管在国内他还接受着通俄门调查
You guys, our president left the country in the middle of the Russia investigations,
还有科米备忘录和支持率暴跌的烂摊子没处理
the Comey memo and plummeting approval ratings.
这就像你♥爸♥在和你妈吵架的时候
That's like your dad storming out
中途冲出去
in the middle of a fight with your mom,
你妈说 "你给我留在这儿把事儿说清楚了再走 Hank"
Your mom is like, you're going to stay here and handle this, Hank.
他却说 "我要出去喝一杯 Linda"
And he's like, I'm going out for a drink, Linda.
"我要去沙特阿♥拉♥伯 那儿的人尊重我"
I'm going to Saudi Arabia, they respect me.
网络上几乎到处都是坏消息
Basically with the endless stream of bad news,
我们就只想看点儿别的
all we wanna do is click on anything else.
我最近已经被搞疯了
I've gotten so overwhelmed lately,
开始狂点那些弹出来的诡异信♥用♥卡♥评分广♥告♥
I've clicked all those weird pop-up credit score ads,
就像大屏幕上的这个
like on the side.
话说 这些个信贷产业是什么毛病啊
PS, what is this obsession with the credit industry
把检查信用评分这件事儿搞得好像很酷一样
making it seem like checking your credit score is cool.
真的有正常人吃这一套吗
Like is anybody falling for that?
"嘿 好闺蜜 我正在酒吧里检查我的信用评分呢"
Like, "Hey, girlfriend, I'm at the club checking my credit score."
我只能说 干点儿正经事吧
Like, get a life.
但当你浏览者那些令人震惊的头条新闻时
But as you scroll through alarming headlines,
你总是会想着
you're always like,
"呃 我接受不了"
ugh, I can't even.
但事实是 你可以接受而且你必须接受
But the truth is, you can even and you must.
比如说 这张图是我们设计的哦
For example, we design that.
纽约市出♥台♥了保护自♥由♥职业者权益的新法案
New York city's new Freelance isn't Free Act
刚刚生效
just took effect.
这项法律要求纽约的公♥司♥按时给自♥由♥职业者支付工资
This is a law that requires New York companies to pay freelancers on time.
挺新鲜
Novel concept.
你不能接受 因为这是关于纽约人的
You can't even because this is about New Yorkers.
而这个国家的大多数人都有奇怪的 根深蒂固的对纽约人的痴迷
And most of the country has this weird deep seated obsession
也可以说是偏见 因为他们很酷
slash skepticism for New Yorkers because they're cool
他们穿一身黑 还住在岛上 我们都懂
and they wear black, live on an island, we get that,
但是 你可以接受也必须接受
but, you can even and you must
因为零工经济已经卷席全国
because the gig economy has taken over nationwide.
不仅仅是纽约
It's not just New York.
现在有5300万美国人从事自♥由♥职业
Now 53 million Americans work freelance jobs.
我就是其中之一
I'm one of them.
我没有老板 我没有办公室 我几乎没有桌子 对吧
I don't have a boss. I don't have an office. I barely have a desk. Yeah.
这个节目就只剩下两集了
This show only has two episodes left right now.
当我不做这个节目的时候
When I'm not doing this show,
我就辗转于各地的舞台之间
I just float from stage to stage,
希望能有一份稳定的工作 能吃上一顿热饭
hoping for like a steady work and a hot meal.
但那是个正经的工作呀
But that's a legitimate job.
做单口喜剧演员 不是吗 - 那就像
Stand-up comedy, isn't it? - That's like...
你在你的领域里处于领先地位
You know, you're at the top of your field,
所以那是一个非常正经的工作 - 你刚说的话太像我妈了
So that's a very legitimate job. - That was a very like motherly way
"别把自己看得太低"之类的 - 我知道
really don't put yourself down. - I know.
我不喜欢这样 你知道吗
I don't like it, you know?
我 我有 我要用这个给你打个电♥话♥
I, I have, I am gonna call you on this phone,
咱们好好谈谈
and give you a talking to.
现在我想说 你是 呃
Now you know, you are uh, the,
你是你这一代最优秀的喜剧演员
the greatest standup comedian of your generation.
谢谢啊
Thank you!
录下来了 已经录下来了 - 是的
It's on, it's on tape! - Yes.
实锤了
It's on tape!
我们有磁带吗 - 已经录下来了
Do we even have tape? - It's on tape!
也是最漂亮的 - 是的 太对了
Also the prettiest. - Yeah, oh yeah.
Margaret 谢谢你 - 还是最聪明的
Margaret, Thank you. - And the smartest.
没错 - 所以不要再贬低自己了
Yeah. - So don't put yourself down anymore.
谢谢
Thank you.
许多千禧一代都是自♥由♥职业者
A lot of millennials are freelancers,
而许多自♥由♥职业者都是记者
and a lot of freelancers are journalists,
而现在咱得好好感谢这些记者
and journalists deserve a special shout out right now.
你品一品
Think about it.
总统蓄意妨碍司法公正的新闻
A story about the president potentially obstructing justice
在过去 简直十年难得一遇
was once the story of the decade.
而现在 每天都上演着这些戏码
And now it's the story of the minute.
这记者写完报道后 肯定在想
The guy who wrote this probably finished it was like,
"请赐我个普利策奖吧"
"Pulitzer, please!"
仅仅在几个小时后
Only to have it outdone a
他就被这篇报道的作者比下去了
few hours later by the guy who wrote this,
这篇文章也是同样的骇人
which is equally as horrifying
值得获奖
and award worthy.
所以现在 我想对这些自♥由♥职业者和记者
So here's to you, freelancers and journalists,
晚间脱口秀主持以及喜剧演员们说
and late night show hosts and comics.
我们都是美国英勇的监督人 我们都在乎
We are America's heroic watch dogs and we care.
Margaret 你在乎的 对吧
Margaret, you care, right?
我十万分在乎
I care very much.
就该这么做
This is great.
好的 不错
Okay, good.
太棒了
This is reat.
她想说 赶紧切镜头
She's like, cut away.
我们在乎
We care.
好 千禧一代最独特的一点就是
Okay. One unique characteristic millennials have
我们都喜欢嘲讽
is that we love irony.
对咱们来说 一切都是个笑话
Everything's a joke to us.
更不用我说2012年掀起的胡子风潮吧
Don't even get me started on the moustache movement of 2012.
好吗 你心里明白你也是其中的一员
Okay? Yeah, you know you were there for it.
不管你去哪儿
Everywhere you went,
感觉像是亲临<墓碑镇>的拍摄现场
it was like you were on the set of Tombstone.
另外 现在还有那些"留着胡子"的女人
PS, there are still women out there with mustaches
胡子就纹在她们的食指上
tattooed on their index fingers
因为她们曾坚信
because they were positive that
这个胡子永远都会很搞笑
this would be hilarious forever.
听我说
Listen to me.
你不是一个法国海盗
You're not a French pirate,
你名字叫Kelsey
you're Kelsey,
而且你的食指被毁了
and now your finger's ruined.
不嘲讽一下 千禧一代们都感受不到快乐
Millennials can't even experience joy without being ironic.
我们在Ins上发加了滤镜的美丽的日落照
We Instegramed beautiful filtered sunset
然后附上一句
with captions like,
呃 咋又是这玩意儿
Ugh, this shit again?
鉴于这些 我得先澄清一点
Given all of that, I need to be clear about something.
接下来我要给你们分享的
There is absolutely no irony
绝对没有一丁点嘲讽
in what I'm about to show you.
我真诚得不能再真诚了
I could not possibly be more sincere about this.
来看看吧
Take a look.
大家好 我是喜剧演员Iliza
Hi, there. I'm comedian Iliza.
在Freeform让我做自己的脱口秀时
And when Freeform gave me my own show,
我就想做这么一件事
I thought there's only one thing to do.
为我的爱犬写张金曲串烧专辑 唱给它听
Create an anthology of music that I sing to my dog.
因为我知道 你肯定也会给自家狗狗唱歌♥
Because I know you've sing to your dog.
每张CD的时长超过450个小时
With over 450 hours per CD.
你将聆听到如下热曲
you'll enjoy hits like,
*你的小嘴和你的小爪子相称*
*you got lips and tips,*
*撅着小屁♥股♥*
*the tiniest hips.*
*你长着个恶心的小肚子*
*You've got a gross little belly*
*但你还有小咪♥咪♥*
*but you still got your nips.*
*你是我的小狗狗*
*You're my dog.*
*这是一首关于我家狗狗的歌♥*
*This is a song about my dog.*
*我给你买♥♥了张低过敏原的小床*
*I bought you a hypo-allergenic bed,*
*你却情愿睡在我的苹果充电器上*
*but you rather sleep on my iPhone charger.*
*松鼠招你 松鼠惹你 松鼠烦你*
*Squirrels upset you, squirrels upset you, squirrels upset you,*
谢谢
Thank you.
*世界上最小的狗狗 地表上最小的狗狗*
*Tiniest doggie in the world, littlest doggie in the land,*
*狗狗 狗狗 狗狗 狗狗 狗狗*
*Doggie doggie doggie doggie doggie!*
*狗狗 啊*
*Doggie! Ah!*
而且我们还会模仿北欧地区的速度金属
And we've been dabbling in Nordic speed metal.
二 三 四
Two! Three! Four!
*狐面杀手 你知道她万里挑一*
*Fox face killer, you know that she's rare!*
*你知道 她万里挑一*
*You know that she's rare!*
谢谢
Thank you.