伊莱扎和真心话（2017）

*桌子出场*
*Bring out the desk*
"把我的脚放进马桶里"
"Put my foot in the toilet."
"放进马桶里" - Iliza 节目要开始了
"In the toilet." - Iliza, we are about to start.
我感觉你等下出场的时候
I feel like when you walk out though,
绊一下比较好
you should stumble,
观众会特别有代入感
it'll be totally relatable.
这是我第一次主持节目 又不是第一次走路
It's my first time hosting, not my first time walking.
嘿 Iliza 我是法务部的Brian
Hey Iliza, Brian from Legal,
你好 - 提醒一下
Hi. - Remember,
别碰关于俄♥罗♥斯♥的话题
don't say anything about Russia.
好的 没问题 我的同志
Ok. No problem, comrade.
他们盯着呢
They're watching.
你需要抹点儿身体闪粉吗
Did you want body glitter?
不 我可不想要这个
No, I don't want any body glitter!
Iliza 别忘了穿塑身衣
Iliza, don't forget your spanx.
为什么 为什么我必须要穿这个
Why! Why do I have to wear these?
我是一个成熟的女性 而且有正常的身体曲线
Why can't America understand that
美国难道连这个都理解不了吗
I'm a grown woman with hips and curves.
这是你不♥穿♥塑身衣的样子 - 给我拿两件
This is what you look like without them. - Give me two pairs.
好的
Okay.
上吧 节目开始了 - 好
Let's go, you're on. - Okay.
好 这是我的节目 属于我的
Okay. It's My Show! It's my show.
或许我可以来一点点身体闪粉呢
Maybe a little bit of body glitter?
谢谢大家
Thank you.
我们做到了
We did it!
大家好 欢迎观看本期节目
Ok. Welcome to the show,
我是主持人Iliza <伊莱扎和真心话>里那个Iliza
I'm Iliza, the eponymous host of Truth And Iliza.
也就是你们正在观看的节目
That's where you are.
在这档节目里我将会谈到许多话题
On this show I'm gonna tackle many subjects,
有重要的 有荒诞的 也有超级有趣的
from the important to the absurd to the super-fun.
比如说全球变暖
Things like global warming,
女性权益
women's rights,
以及你为什么不应该相信穿刺绣牛仔裤的人
and why you shouldn't trust anyone who wears embroidered jeans.
新墨西哥州的各位 我们看到你们了哦
We see you in New Mexico. Okay.
并且我们每周的话题都不同
And we're going to have a different theme every week.
今晚节目的主题是
The theme of tonight's show is--
"好吧 我们又能说什么呢"
Well, what can we say?
我选择这个主题是因为
I pick this theme because it seems like
似乎我们说的所有话都能冒犯到别人
everything we say offend someone.
如果我登上社交网络账号♥ 然后发个推特
If I go on social media, and I tweet about
说我坐飞机的时候安全带坏了
my seatbelt being broken on an airplane,
一些僵尸用户就会跳出来抬杠"第一世界问题罢了"
some Twitter egg yells at me about "first world problems".
而且不光是我一个人
And It's not just me,
有位女士这样写道
this random lady wrote,
"今天的天空真美"
"The sky is so pretty today."
对吧
right?
看起来人畜无害
Seemingly innocuous.
然而键盘侠还是会敲着键盘让她去死
So naturally someone wanted her to die.
什么都没干 还要被这样诅咒
Feels like the punishment far outweighs the crime.
米歇尔奥巴马肯定懂我
Michelle Obama knows what I mean.
她每每发图
She can't post a picture.
一张她家狗的无聊照片
A boring picture of her dogs.
对不住了 米歇尔 确实挺无聊的
Sorry Michelle, it was boring.
总是有一些键盘侠在下面乱跳
Without some gutter troll responding
"你老公蹲监狱的时候特勤局会来找你吗"
"Will you get secret service when your husband's in prison?"
可以停了 什么监狱啊
Timeout. What prison?
咱们的假总统 编造假新闻
The fake prison, for the fake news
造谣奥巴马窃听他 然后让奥巴马去蹲假监狱吗
about him fake wire tapping our fake president?
那你说对了 她会去找特勤局的
Yeah. She's still gonna have secret service.
你们真捧场
You guys are amazing.
我知道你们在想什么
And I know what you're thinking.
"那又怎样"
"So what?"
"他不过是个愚蠢的键盘侠"
"He's just a dumb troll",
但是各位注意了 咱们先不谈政♥治♥
but you guys, politics aside,
网上有太多一边蹲着坑
there are too many people spreading hate
一边散布仇恨的键盘侠了
while tweeting from their toilets.
我知道你们大部分的泄愤推特都是在泻粪的时候发的
I know that's where you're doing most of your angry tweeting anyway.
没错 只有厕所能让我们最大程度地享受私人时间
Yeah. It's where we have the most time to ourselves.
那么 为什么非要在现实和网络同时喷粪呢
Okay. Why don't you try volunteering instead of
有这时间去做做志愿服务不好吗
espousing hate tweet between power dumps.
既然说到这儿了 我的桌子在哪里
Speaking of power dumps, where's my desk? Yeah!
我的桌子
My desk.
这什么歌♥啊
What is this song?
我们把钱都花在这首歌♥上了
So we spent money on that song.
所以这张桌子才这么 好吧 它一点儿也不搭我
So that's why this desk is so...it's not fitting. Okay.
歌♥还行
Cool song.
今晚的节目可精彩了 接下来要登场的这位
Okay. So we have a great show tonight. Coming up,
是我的好朋友 兼演员 兼作家
we've got my good friend and actress and author
同时还是神经科学博士
who also holds a PhD in neuroscience,
Mayim Bialik
Mayim Bialik!
是的
Yeah,
而且
and,
她超棒的
she's amazing.
现在你们看到的是本周的主题皇后
And joining us now is our theme queen of the week,
来自<鲁保罗变装秀>的Alyssa Edwards
Alyssa Edwards from RuPaul's Drag Race!
太棒啦
I love it.
Alyssa
So Alyssa,
主题皇后的意思就是
the idea of a theme queen is that
通过你本人来表现我们的今天主题
you're here to physically represent our theme--
"好吧 我们还能说什么呢"
Well, What can we say?
跟我讲讲你这一身衣服吧
So tell me about your ensemble.
看我身上的鸵鸟毛披肩
I'm covered in ostrich boas,
象征着我鹤立你们这些鸽群
because I'm a beautiful bird amongst a flock of pigeons.
我们都是鸽子
We're pigeons!
我整个职业生涯都在孜孜不倦地做这个音效
I've been holding onto that sound effect my whole career.
能邀请到你真是太好了
I'm glad you're here.
你看起来超级美 跟你坐的王座是绝配
You look amazing, I'm glad we got that chair,
我感觉是用它把你换来了
I feel like we traded in.
我们把预算都花在了你的王座上
We spent the budget on your throne,
但节目结束后就得扔掉了
and we had to get rid of that after this, so,
你懂的
you get that.
我们今天讨论的话题是 我们能说什么
So we're talking about what we can say.
没有调查就没有发言权
and to speak with authority on a subject
所以我们得做到信息储备丰富
it's important to be informed.
事实上 我们大多数人确实很想做到这点
And look, most of us really wanna be informed,
对吧
right?
你们都想知道发生了什么
You guys wanna know what's going on.
你们得大声说出来
You have to audibly say it,
光点头的话 视频外的观众是看不到的
because the audience can't see you're nodding.
对
Yeah.
我们想要获取信息 这样才能获得参与的机会
We want to be informed, so we can weigh in and contribute on things like
比如说参与推特话题讨论或者酒吧里的醉酒辩论
Twitter threads and drunken debates at bars,
告诉你个秘密
I'll tell you what,
凌晨一点过后 你给我两杯龙舌兰
after 1 a.m. you give me two tequila shots,
我能把第二次世界大战给你讲得明明白白
I will tell you some theories about world war two.
"再说说那些日本人吧"
I'm like, "another thing about the Japanese..."
但是我们大多数人 即使出发点是好的
but most of us, while well meaning,
也并不能达到理想中那样 眼观六路耳听八方
just aren't as informed as we want or need to be.
"化学凝结尾 麸质"
"Chemtrails, gluten."
我们知道啦 Kelsey
We get it, Kelsey.
我们也都在尽力 我就是
And we try. I tried,
刷着一排排新闻头条 结果却看到了太多坏消息
We all scroll through headlines and there's just so much bad news.
你看着那些坏消息 感到身心疲惫
And you look at it, exhausted and you're like,
"天 我接受不了"
"Ugh, I can't even."
但是听我说 真♥相♥是 你接受得了
But you guys, the truth is, you can even.
你可以并且必须接受
you can even and you must.
在现在的社会里 你不能采取消极避世的态度
The stakes are too high right now in our society
比如甩手一说"随便吧"
to passively be like "whatever,
"我就想要一杯独角兽卡布奇诺 塑料杯子就不回收了" 听到了吗
I'll just get a unicorn cappuccino and not recycle the plastic cup." Okay?
这样做的代价太高了
Too high.