伊莱扎和真心话（2017）

我扎了个蝴蝶结头绳哦
I have a ribbon in my hair.
我们的问题是 社会在退步吗
We're asking, is society devolving?
咱们聊了"交流方式"
We've covered what we're saying,
那咱现在的立场又是什么样的呢
but how about where we're standing?
我要聊的是地球
I'm talking about earth.
在农耕社会阶段
When we were in a farm-based societies,
耐心听我说 我保证这个很搞笑的
please stick with me, I promise It gets funny.
呃 我们得照料自己的农地
Uh, we had to take care of our land,
因为那样我们才有食物来源
because that's where our food came from.
而现在 咱全年都能从菲律宾进口杨桃
Now we can get star fruit year round from the Philippines
仅需一美元邮费外加臭氧层空洞就搞定
and it only costs $1 and a hole in the Ozone for shipping it.
地球环境正在恶化
Earth is falling apart.
我在想 咱们是不是原因之一
And I'm wondering if we're part of the problem.
我是说 我知道人类占一部分原因
I mean, I know we're part of the problem,
但我的问题是 人类的影响有多大
but I guess the question is like how much.
那么 解决问题的第一步就是
So, the first step in solving the problem is admiting
承认咱们人类自身的问题
that we have a problem.
我询问了一些观众
So I've reached out to my audience
收到他们接下来的一连串忏悔
and received the following confessions from people.
来自费城的Tom说
Tom from Philadelphia says,
我有一个回收箱
I have a recycling bin.
我也不知道为什么我是这种声音
I don't know why I came that voice.
我有一个回收桶和一个垃圾桶
I have a recycling bin and a trash bin,
但我总往两个桶里乱丢垃圾
but I just throw trash in both.
我觉着大家应该都一样
I think we all do that.
大家都会犯这个错误 是吧
Everybody makes that mistake, right?
不包括前排的八零后 绝不可能
Not the millennial in The front there, like no way!
你也会那样做 对吧
You do that, right?
哦 这不叫错误
Oh, It's not a mistake.
我 只是 这不是个意外
I...just..it's not accidental.
我就直接把垃圾丢进去
I just put it all in there,
一记完美三分球
from way downtown,
三分球 把垃圾扔在错的桶里
Way down down. Sink that garbage in the wrong bin.
这儿还有一条忏悔
And we have one more confession.
来自洛杉矶的Timothy S.
It's from Timothy S. from Los Angeles.
呃 我直接站在行李传送带旁边
Uh, I wait right next to baggage claim carousel,
即使我知道 还有一会儿才能拿到自己的行李
even though I know my bag isn't coming for a while.
我这么做 是为了把其他人堵住
I do it, so I can block everyone,
而且爷可不在乎
and I don't care.
我是说
I mean,
这是你写的吗
is it from you?
有一说一 我就应该站前面
there is some evidence that I deserve to be there.
我就应该站得更近一点
I deserve to be close.
我理应先拿到我的包
I deserve to get my bag first.
我经常这么说
I've always said this,
如果你想看看在后世界末日的情况下
If you want to see how society will operate
社会将如何运作
in a post apocalyptic situation,
去一趟洛杉矶国际机场六号♥厅就明白了
just go to like, Terminal Six At L.A.X.
就好比 直接狂扁小朋友
Like it's just knocking kids.
一号♥口和六号♥口的人会这样说
Boarding group one and group six is like
去他妈的 我反正得上去 - 对
Fuck it. I'm going up there. - Yeah.
给我闪开
Out of the way.
没得商量 - 我们仿佛在
It's no trade. - It's like we were...
这叫做适者生存
It's gonna be survival of the fittest.
就好比 最强壮的人才能登机
It's like now boarding whoever strongest.
好了 现在咱们知道什么不该说
Ok, so now we know what we shouldn't say
什么不该做
and how we shouldn't be.
那咱们应该做什么呢
But how should we be?
幸运的是 所以你们现在还对我哀嚎
Fortunately, now you're groaning at me?
幸运的是
Fortunately,
你不必为这个问题烦恼
you don't have to think about that
因为我在机场旁边开了场研讨会
because I offer a Learning Annex seminar
教你如何做个好人
by the airport on how not to be a jerk.
来看看吧
Take a look.
大家好 欢迎你们
Hello and welcome.
我是Iliza
I'm Iliza.
这是我主讲的"如何做人"研讨会
And this is my seminar on how to act like a person.
有的人是自愿来的
Some of you were here on your own volition,
有的是法♥院♥传唤
some of you are court ordered,
有的和Kirk一样
and some of you, Kirk,
在找停车♥库♥的时候迷路了
got lost on the way to parking garage.
但你们现在都在这儿了 门也锁上了
But you're here now and the doors are locked.
那咱就开始吧
So let's get started.
约会秘籍
The intricacies of dating.
谁有问题
Who's got a question?
我在Ins上看到这个女生的照片
I'm looking at this photo of a woman on Instagram
我想发条评论
and I wanted to post a comment.
天呐 你真丰满
Damn, you're thick.
好的 她是白人吗
Okay. Is she white?
是的
Yeah.
你也是白人吗
Okay. And are you white?
是 啊
Yeah.
你不能那样做
You can't do it.
谢谢 管他的 下一个问题
Thank you. Next question. Anyway.
这也不算个问题 但是 呃
It's not so much a question, but uh
天啊 你好丰满
Damn, you're thick.
谢谢
Thank you.
这不一样
It's different.
下一个问题
Next question.
我想和男朋友更进一步
I want to get intimate with my boyfriend,
但我很担心
but I'm nervous.
他会觉得我的大腿太恶心了
He'll think my thighs are gross.
这是一个阴囊
This is a scrotum.
这是世界上最好看的阴囊 懂了吗
And here we have the best looking scrotum in the world. Okay?
放心好了
You're fine.
这是一张我穿着内衣的照片
And there's one of me in my underwear.
哦哟
Oops.
你们看着有点迷惑
Your looks are dizzy.
没想到这也会出现在讲座里 对吧
You didn't think that would be included in the lecture, huh?
不仅有免费午餐
Not just a free lunch.
还有免费展览
Get a free show.
继续 如何穿衣
Here we go. How to dress.
我有一条绣花牛仔裤 但是 - 出去
I have a pair of embroidered jeans... But... - Get out.
明显没看演讲手册
Clearly didn't read the handbook.
回去吧 你没落下什么东西
Going back, you don't leave anything,
除了你的风格个性
except maybe your sense of style.
我是个有一点点刻薄的女人
So I'm a bit of a mean girl.
好了 下个问题
Okay, next question,
你能跟我们讲讲你穿的套装吗
Can you tell us about your outfit?
这套有点随性励志讲师
It's sort of a casual motivational speaker
混上篮球女教练的感觉
meets women's basketball coach,
但是是好教练 像是 像是十大教练
But like a good coach, like... like big 10.
撸起袖子加油"干"
Pushed up sleeves working hard on D.
说什么呢
What's that?
我看着像麦当娜
I look like Madonna?
我感觉麦当娜上身
I feel like Madonna.
好了 下个问题
Okay, next question.
我以为是我在教他们
I thought I was their teacher,
但实际上是他们在教我
but they're the ones who really taught me,
特别是那个说我丰满的
especially the guy told me I was thick.
好了 明星杂♥志♥的资深编辑Shallon Lester
Okay, we'll be right back to discuss our devolving society
将和我们探讨正在退步的社会
with the senior editor of Star magazine Shallon Lester.
不要走开
Stay with us.
我的下位嘉宾是明星杂♥志♥资深编辑
My next guest is the senior editor
也是你们名人情节的头号♥敌人
of Star magazine and your celeb-crash's worst enemy.
有请Shallon Lester
Please welcome Shallon Lester.
大大的拥抱 - 哦 抱一抱 抱一抱
Real hug. - Oh, real hugs, real hugs.
哎呀 - 嗯
Oops! - So...
这是一口飘吗 姐妹 - 一口飘
Is this Lean, sister? - Is this Lean?
你要还想续订一季 就得给嘉宾上一口飘
You want a second season, you give the guest Lean.