伊莱扎和真心话（2017）

你是我的助理
You're my assistant,
所以我觉得我俩的发型应该一直保持一致
So I think we should always have the same hairdo
这样大家都知道我们在一起工作了 - Iliza 你好
So everyone knows that we work together. - Iliza, hi.
你好
Hi.
我有个好消息
I have great news.
工作室收到我的信了 然后我们午餐终于可以吃火腿了吗
The studio got my letter and we're finally having ham for lunch?
呃 不是
Uh...No.
但你的节目真的很棒 - 真的吗
But your show's doing really well. - Really?
是啊 现在其他女性都能接到深夜秀的邀约了
Yeah. So now all these other women are getting late night shows,
所以电视上即将出现超多女性面孔
so there's gonna be tons of women on TV.
超多吗 - 是啊 这难道不是超棒的吗
Tons? - Tons. Isn't that amazing?
啊 确实
Actually, yeah.
社会只允许我们一次支持一个女人
Society only allows us to uphold one woman at a time,
而现在我们可以姐姐妹妹站起来了
and now we can all join together and rise up.
是友好的竞争啊 - 没错
Friendly competition! - Yeah.
关门放狗
Release the hound.
它很累了 - 好吧 等她打完盹儿之后
She's tired. - Okay, after her nap,
然后你再关门放狗
then you release the hound.
没错 放狗出击
Yeah. Release the hound.
谢谢大家
Thank you.
欢迎来到今晚的节目
Welcome to tonight's show.
希望大家能先愉快地观看我的身体
I hope you're enjoying looking at my body
因为我得等背后这个LED屏合上
because I need to let this LED wall close behind me
然后才能开始讲话
before I can start talking.
我做到了 好的 我们今晚的主题是
Nailed it. Okay. So our theme tonight is,
"女人间的对决"
Women vs. Women.
是有人在图书馆被谋杀了吗 行吧
Did someone get murdered in the library? Okay.
我们要探讨的是为什么女人们会有一种冲动
The show is about why women feel the urge
去干掉其他女人
to take down other women.
以及为什么我们会自动将其他女性视为竞争对手
And why we automatically look at other women as competition.
这么做其实挺正常的
Now, to do that is somewhat natural,
因为女人有生物钟
because women have biological clocks,
意思是从十三 十二岁起
meaning from about age 13, 12,
这个起始线取决于你那里的水域有多少转基因生物
depending on the GMOs in the water in your area,
一直到你大约45岁之间 但对詹妮弗·安妮斯顿来说是到50岁
to about age 45, 50 for Jennifer Aniston,
你拥有可以受精的卵子
you have eggs that can be fertilized.
这就意味着在这有限的时间内你需要做到以下这些事
And that means you have a finite amount of time
找到天命之子
to find Mr. Right,
被视为一项商业投资
be seen as an asset to a business,
保持身体紧致 并且养育孩子
keep your body tight and raise children.
但那就属于另一个TED演讲的话题了
But that's a whole other TED talk.
此外
In addition,
作为女人 我们经常被提醒
as women, we are constantly reminded that
说到成功
there's not enough to go around
女人还不够格
when it comes to success.
亚伯拉罕林肯说过 "一座内部分♥裂♥的房♥屋绝无可能屹立"
Abraham Lincoln said, "A house divided against itself cannot stand."
但你们中的有些人对这句话充耳不闻
And some of you are missing that message.
你可能会想 "她刚才是不是管我叫房♥子"
You're like, "Did she just call me a house?"
重点是
The point is,
如果我们总是内讧的话
if we're always fighting each other,
那我们就永远做不到姐妹齐心
then we can never rise together.
举个例子吧
Case in point,
从来没有it男孩
There's never an "it" guy,
但却有it女孩
but there's an "it" girl.
没有封面男士
There are no cover guys,
但却有封♥面♥女♥郎♥
but there's a cover girl.
没有"火车上的男孩"
There's no "Guy on the Train",
"龙纹身的男孩" 或者 "戴珍珠耳环的男孩"
"Guy with the Dragon Tattoo", "Guy with a pearl earring".
可能有吧
There probably is,
但没人想和戴珍珠耳环的男人约会
But like, no one wants to date a dude with a pearl earring.
那是什么鬼啊
Like, what is that?
像是有什么东西乱入了
It's like a weird line across.
我也不想在火车上见到他
I also don't want to meet him on a train.
可以
Okay.
但在我解决所有性别问题之前
But before I solve all the problems of our gender,
快呈上老娘的桌子
I need my desk!
呈上桌子
Bring out the desk!
*Iliza的桌子*
*Iliza's desk.*
每次我向后坐的时候
it's such a trust fall,
都像在玩信任背摔
every time I sit back.
歌♥挺好听的 结尾还带自动调音
That was a good song, that had like an auto-tune at the end.
那首歌♥是芝加哥的Jesse写的
That song was written by Jesse from Chicago.
应该给那首歌♥一个格莱美奖 对吧
Uh. Get that song a Grammy, right?
这首桌子之歌♥很不错 比上周的进步了很多
That was a good desk song, major improvement from last week.
如果你想创作一首关于我的桌子的歌♥
So if you'd like to create a song about my desk,
好奇怪一句话
what a weird sentence,
如果你想创作一首关于我桌子的歌♥
if you'd like to create a song about my desk,
并且有可能被我们的节目播出
and possibly hear it on our show,
去看一下我的Instagram主页吧
check out my Instagram for the details.
好了 各位 今晚我们有一场精彩而点题的节目
Okay. You guys, we have an amazing and relevant show tonight.
<摩登家庭>的演员Ariel Winter来了
from Modern Family Ariel Winter is here.
你没听错
Yeah
不介绍下今晚的主题皇后
And I can't start the show
我不能开始节目啊
without introducing tonight's theme queen,
来自<鲁保罗变装秀>的 我最爱的
from RuPaul's Drag Race, my favorite,
令人闭嘴惊艳的Valentina
the uncomfortably stunning Valentina!
你是怎样代表今天的主题"女人间的对决"的
So how are you representing Women vs. Women?
我穿得像个女人
Well I dressed as a woman.
好吧 无可反驳
Okay That's fair.
我觉得如果你把她和我放在一起
I feel like if you put she and I side by side,
大家会很难相信我是个女人
you'd have a hard time convincing people that I'm a woman.
上帝 你太完美了
God, you're perfect.
好吧 在对待女性方面
Alright. So a big part of the problem
有一个很严重的问题
with the way women are treated,
那就是一切都变得与我们的身体有关
is that everything becomes about our bodies.
我们超绝 完美的身体
Our amazing, perfect bodies.
上周 一个全国性的美容品牌首次推出了
Last week, a national beauty brand debuted soap bottles
不同形状的皂液瓶
in different shapes to represent
来代表不同的女性体型
different varieties of female body types.
第三个是什么鬼 谁会长成第三个那样
What's that third one? Like who looks like that third one?
谁全身只有脖子和屁♥股♥啊
Like who's just a neck and butt?
我想我的问题是 为什么只针对女人的身体
I guess my question is why only women's bodies?
听我说 朋友们 这样你们就错失良机了
Come on guys, you missed out on an opportunity to objectify
还有一半的人口没被物化呢
half the population.
所以我们设计了自己的瓶子
So we've come up with our own bottles
来代表不同类型的男人
that represent different types of men.
不错
That's right,
你看这个瓶子它又矮又胖
Here's a bottle that's short and fat,
"但你还是应该跟他试试 因为他很爱你"
"But you should consider him, because he's like loves you so much.
"他还很支持你的艺术事业呢"
He's really supportive of your art.
"而且他上的是普林斯顿大学哦"
Also, he went to Princeton."
这瓶的身材不错 但他的标签快秃没了
Here's a bottle that's a good size. But his label is thinning,
就跟他爸一样秃
just like his dad's label thinned.
再过几年 他就一点儿标签不剩了
In a few years, he won't have any label at all.
"哦 他就是Ed Harris那个类型的"
You mean like, "Oh he's like an Ed Harris type." Okay.
还有这个瓶子
And this bottle,
身怀巨♥屌♥♥
has a huge penis.
呃 老费劲儿了
Uh. So much work.
他身怀巨♥屌♥♥
He has a huge penis,
但他脑子有点不好使
uh but he's kind of dumb,
他还很不擅长网聊
also, he's really bad at texting.
好 Valentina
Okay. Valentina,
你是哪种肥皂
what kind of soap are you?
我会是一块儿肥皂吧
I would say a bar of soap,
这样别人就可以捡肥皂了
so you can drop it.
所以就可以捡肥皂了
So you can drop it?
好耶
Yes.
一则肥皂笑话
It's a soap joke.
转到不应该是新闻的新闻上
Moving on to news that should not have been news.
对于那些接收福克斯新闻的消息推送的人来说
For those who get notifications from Fox News,