前夫总动员（2011）

The Exes S03E17

Part 1 March 18, 2021, 1:37 p.m.

你好啊宝贝儿
Hey, baby.
你好宝贝儿
"Hey, baby"?
女人真的会吃这套吗
Women actually fall for that?
- 这是为啥 - 不要在意这个啦
- Why? - What's the big deal?
我爱这些女人这些女人也爱我
I like the ladies, the ladies like me.
生活呢最重要就是开心
Everybody has a good time, no one gets hurt.
喔不是吧
Oh, no!
那家伙想要杀了我
That dude wants to kill me!
为啥你睡了他就拍屁♥股♥走人了
Why? You didn't call him the next morning?
不是啦我睡了他的女朋友
Well, I kind of slept with his girlfriend.
但是
But I didn't...
我不知道她有男朋友
I didn't know she had a boyfriend.
更不知道他这么大只
Especially one that big.
Phil 问你个问题
Phil, let me ask you a question.
在"你好宝贝儿"和"我会打电♥话♥给你的宝贝"之间
Between"Hey, baby" And"I'll call you, baby,"
你没想过要问"你谁啊宝贝" 吗
do you ever think to ask,"Who are you, baby?"
还真没
No, not really.
- 你好 Nicki - 你好
- Oh, hey, Nicki. - Hey.
我想要一杯毛脐但是我想把桃味杜松子酒
I'll have a fuzzy navel, but instead of peach schnapps,
嗯换成苹果味
uh... I think I'll have apple.
把橙汁换成
And, instead of orange juice...
好吧我已经下班了另请高明吧
Okay, I am off duty. Irritate somebody else.
喔天啊
Ow. Ow, God.
好了你猜猜
All right, you're never gonna guess
我准备在这里见谁 Vanessa
who's meeting me here... Vanessa.
原来那个老邻居吗
Vanessa from the old neighborhood?
是啊她现在住在城里了
Yeah, she lives in the city now.
她也离婚了
Turns out she's divorced too.
- 所以她现在单身 - 嗯嗯
- So she's single now? - Mm hmm.
我必须承认
Oh, I must confess, once
有那么一瞬我的天空星星都亮了
upon a time I carried quite the torch for her.
你就不能像个一般人一样说你很喜欢她么
Can't you just say you were hot for her like a normal person?
还有你在我12岁生日的时候是有机会的
Besides, you had your chance at my 12th birthday party.
还记得天堂的7分钟吗
Remember seven minutes in heaven?
呃
Ugh.
那段回忆会折磨我一辈子啊
It will haunt me for the rest of my life.
那时候我和我的梦中情人在一个衣柜里
There I was, in the closet with the girl of my dreams.
我准备去亲她
I was about to go in for the kiss.
就在那一瞬
And then all of a sudden,
我只闻到一股
the walls just closed in and all I could smell
樱桃味唇膏和樟脑丸的味道
was cherry chapstick and moth balls, and...
于是我就
The next thing I knew, I...
我就吐在我爸的滑雪靴里了
I ralphed in dad's ski boot.
那就是你名字的由来 Spewart(谐音吐)
Which is how you earned the name, Spewart.
士别三日当刮目相看
That was a long time ago. I'm a different person now.
我现在变成一个帅气的成功人士有些人说我像Clooney(帅哥)
A successful, handsome, some say Clooney-esque.
是啊 Rosemary Clooney(美女)
Yeah, Rosemary Clooney.
切
Ugh.
Nicki!
嗨 Vanessa 亲爱的想死我了
Oh, Vanessa. Hi. Honey, oh, I missed you.
我也想死你了最近怎么样啊
Oh, I missed you too. How you been?
除了我老公
Well, other than my husband
用了18年被掰弯之外都很好
of 18 years turning out to be gay, awesome.
我知道
I know.
你妈告诉我的侄子然后我的侄子告诉了我的理发师虽然他早就知道了
Your mom told my cousin who told my hairdresser who already knew.
擦
Oh.
好了现在我们都离婚了
Well, here we both are, divorced.
- 这就是命啊你说是吧 - 是啊
- Life, huh? - Yeah.
感觉就像昨天
It seems like only yesterday
- 我们还一起在高中里 - 是啊
- we were in high school. - I know.
我能回忆到的
All I ever thought about
就是和帅哥们啪啪
back then was making out with boys and...
就差不多是那样
No, that's pretty much it.
别说了
Stop it.
- 你看起来还蛮开心的 - 是啊
- So you look so happy. - I am.
所以离婚之后有什么新生活啊说来听听
So there is life after divorce. What's your secret?
我变成修女了
I'm becoming a nun.
是啊是啊我要是再不那啥我也快了
Right, right. And if I don't get some soon, so am I.
不是啦我说真的
No, no. I'm serious.
教堂已经成为我生活中的一部分了
The church has always been a big part of my life.
我会在这两周之内宣誓的
I take my vows in two weeks.
卧♥槽♥
What?
不是吧你
No.
你说真的
What?
不可能的
No.
我勒个去
What?
放轻松 Nicki 我还是我
Nicki, relax. It's still me.
我跟你没区别
I'm no different from you.
我只是嫁给基♥督♥了而已
I'm just marrying Christ.
哇哦
Wow.
好吧
Okay, well...
所以你和你的救世主在哪里注册
So where are you and the savior registered?
你好 Vanessa 记得我吗 Stuart
Hello, Vanessa. Remember me, Stuart?
当然了
Of course I do.
- 很高兴见到你 - 是啊
Great to see you. You too.
不得不说你喔
May I say, you have... oh...
hold 住放松
Okay. Okay, hold on, relax.
你现在都亭亭玉立了
You have grown into quite a stunner.
如果我没记错你还欠了我极乐3分钟呢
And as I recall, you still owe me three minutes in heaven.
够了 Stuart 别说了
All right. Yeah, Stuart? Not happening.
Nicki Nicki 让这位女士自己说嘛
Look, Nicki, Nicki. Let the lady speak for herself.
我要成为修女了
I'm becoming a nun.
直接说不好就行了
Could've just said no.
我们到了我们到了
Here we are, here we are.
走起左
Okay, let's go. And left foot.
右左
Right foot, left foot.
Haskell 我只是在浴缸里滑了一跤还没忘记怎么走路
Haskell, I slipped in the tub. I didn't forget how to walk.
Eden Eden 在哪里
Where's Eden? Where's Eden?
在你的下面
I'm right down here.
- 我以为我把你踩瘪了呢亲爱的 - 好吧我们走
- I thought I stepped on you, sweetie. - All right, here we go.
来来来坐下
Okay, all right, now, we got to get you seated.
- 好了 - Eden 你准备好了嘛
- Okay. - Eden, are you ready?
- 准备好了 - 好
- I'm ready. - Okay.
- 慢慢来 - 慢慢来
- All right. - All right, easy.
- 好的 - 慢慢的
- Yeah. Right. - Easy.
- 啊 - 好了
- Oh, ahh. - And down we go.
- 来腿上来 - 喔
- There we go. All right. - Ooh.
- 搞定 - 哦
- There we are. - Ow.
Haskell 你这方面还真厉害
You know, Haskell, you're pretty good at this.
我原来就是这样
Well, this is how I used
护送老妈从欢乐时光回家的
to have to escort mother home from happy hour.
原来如此
Yeah.
至少我们不用回头找你的牙齿
At least I don't have to go back and look for your teeth.
真心感谢你把我送到急诊室
You know, thanks for taking me to the emergency room.
- 你们真是太棒了 - 小事
- You guys have been amazing. - No problem.
好啦你的药
Okay. Now here are your
还有医生开的单子
pills and the instructions from the doctor.
还有遥控器
Here is your remote.
水枕头毯子木马
Okay, water, pillow, and blanket. Mwah.
- 好好休息 - 好的
- You get some rest. - Okay.
你们俩要离开
Where do you two think you're going?
- 啥意思 - 我不能单独在这里
- What do you mean? - I can't be left alone here.
不然谁给我药给我做饭
Who's going to give me my pills and make my meals,
还有帮我上厕所
help me to the bathroom?
- 她 - 他
- She will. - He will.
我不想故意找茬
Look, I don't mean to point fingers,
但是是谁的薰衣草浴珠
but whose lavender bath beads
让我在浴池里滑到了
did I slip on in my bathtub?
我说了对不起了
I said I was sorry.
还有是哪个小胖妞在怀孕时
And who's the cranky little butterball
我替她端茶送水的