104号房间

and saved my life, called my dad.
不管他怎么和你形容自己
As he's telling you he's whatever,
我都要尊重他所说的话
I have to respect what he's saying,
因为那对他来说是真实的
'cause it's real for him.
有段时间他不是在医院
There was a point when he was
就是在出院的路上
either in the hospital or just getting out,
我说"你知道吗 我愿意和你说
I said, "You know something? I will talk to you,
但我不愿意和你的精神病院交流"
but I won't talk to your psychosis."
所以他是要告诉你这个故事
So for him to tell you this story,
而我是要聆听
and for me to listen to it, whatever,
我要提醒自己
I have to remind myself
这对他来说是非常真实的
they're very real for him.
我无法理解
I don't relate to it, you know?
我完全无法理解
I mean, I don't fuckin' relate to it,
但对他来说是真实的 所以我要尊重他
but it's real for him, so I gotta respect it.
好了
Yeah. Well.
-一匹马 -嗯
‐ A horse. ‐ Yeah.
嗯
Yeah,
今天我想活着
today I want to live, like, uh,
我有自杀倾向时
when I had those suicide attempts,
我觉得我根本活不过今天
I didn't feel like this life that I'm living today was possible
或者我根本感受不到 如果你坚持下去
or even on my radar, so more will be revealed
你会知道更多
if you stick around.
今天 我想要平静心灵
Today, like, I like peace of mind.
一般来说 如果有人问我怎么样
For the most part if someone asks me how I'm doing,
不是很亢奋 也不是很低落
it's like, not too high, not too low,
没有什么大事 只是很平静
not a lot going on upstairs, it's just quiet.
这是我在人生中第一次有这种感觉
This is the first time in my life I've felt like that,
但这包含两部分
but it's two components:
保持清醒并遵照医嘱
being sober and being med‐compliant.
你用了好多颜料
You got so much friggin' paint on it.
你这上面用了好多颜料 詹尼
You got a ton of paint on this, Gianni.
我也有...
I myself had a‐‐
我不喜欢管这个叫做自杀倾向
I don't want to call it a suicide attempt,
但我在1989年还是1990年的时候
but I ended up in a 72‐hour hold in a psych unit
进精神病院监护了72小时
back in whatever year, it was 1989, '90.
詹尼的妈妈和我当时的感情很不好
Gianni's mom and I were going through a really hard time
我们后来分开了
and we split up,
我不想说细节
and I don't want to get into details,
但我绝对不会忘记那个混♥蛋♥
but I never forget this friggin' guy
坐在我对面说
sittin' across from me and saying,
"你知道你以后不会再见到你的孩子们了吧"
"You realize you're never gonna see your kids again, right?"
当时我就炸了
And it was like, boom.
贴好了 准备好了
Sound. Be ready.
我是那一代
I'm from that generation of men
不会去做心理治疗的人
where you didn't go to therapy.
当你陷入这种处境
When you got into those places,
你只会强撑过去
you just friggin' toughed it out.
但是你知道吗 不是强撑就会过去的
But you know what? It doesn't always work that way.
当你陷入危机 当你陷入那种状态
When you're in crisis, when you're in that state,
你得想办法寻求帮助
you have to find a way to ask for help.
你得想办法让你自己
You have to find a way to get yourself into
到一个有专业人士帮助的安全环境里
a safe environment with professionals,
有人能够帮助你
and there's people out there that will help you
一步一步往前走
take one foot in front of the other.
那需要很大的勇气
Yeah, it takes a lot of courage.
需要勇气
It takes guts.
从某种意义上来说 我很愧疚
And on some level I have a lot of guilt,
我觉得我当初有些时候
and I think sometimes my behavior
所做出的行为
in what I did at that time,
我伤害自己的时候
when I hurt myself‐‐
詹尼才七岁
Gianni was like seven years old.
我犯了错 我做了一些不该做的事
I made mistakes, man, I did some things,
我无法收回这些事
and I can't take any of it back,
但是我意识到
but I realize, you know what,
这只是人生中的一些过程
it's just part of what's happened in my life.
伙计 看上去很不错
Oh, yeah, man, that looks good!
太厉害了
That's dope.
太棒了
Fuck yeah.
你觉得怎么样 詹宝
What do you think? G‐Bo.
不错
Oh, yeah, dude.
我喜欢挂起来的样子
I like the way that hangs and shit.
-你喜欢吗 -当然了 伙计
‐ You like that? ‐ Yeah, man.
看起来很棒
Looks pretty good.
我面临很多决定
I'm faced with a little bit of a decision.
左轮手♥枪♥头
Revolver Head?
不要左轮手♥枪♥头
No Revolver Head, no.
看看格罗特雅恩的样子
See how the Grotjahn looks.
我爱这家伙
I love this fucking guy.
不知道这样行不行
I'm not sure if that's gonna work.
-色彩太多了 -是的
‐ There's too much color. ‐ Yeah.
我觉得不行
I don't think that's gonna work.
-我喜欢空心 -我也喜欢空心
‐ I like the donut. ‐ I like the donut too.
这 这样不行
Yeah, this is‐‐ this is not gonna work like that.
对我来说 最重要的是我的座右铭
For me, the mainstay has been this mantra I've had
"过程是王道"
which is "Process is king."
我发现在创造的瞬间中
And I find that, like, in the moment of creating,
不管你处于什么精神状态
no matter what your mental state is,
总有一种神奇的魔力
there's some magical machination
发生在你动手的过程中
that happens in the moment of doing something.
不管你有没有按下琴键
Whether you're hitting the keys on the piano,
不管你是舞者 还是正在飞行
whether you're a dancer and you're in the moment of flight,
不管你是不是第一次触碰画布
whether you're hitting the canvas for the first time,
只有在画布上笔刷的动作才是最重要的
and it's just that movement of the brush on the canvas.
那一刻 只有在那里
In that moment, that's where it is,
才有魔法
that's where it's at.
那是圣诞树吗
Is that a Christmas tree?
我最近画的这些奇怪的小树
These weird little trees I've been drawing lately...
能让我很开心
that bring me joy.
不管我的精神状态怎么样
No matter what my state is,
我都可以画画 并拥有
I can go to that and have that
我自己的 就这样
as my, like‐‐ phtt!‐‐
集中注意力 知道该做什么
centered, boom, know what to do.
这很令人欣慰
That's the gratifying thing,
所以我才搞艺术
that's why I do art.
这里有克制和停顿
There's restraint and pause
还有平静
and peace now,
我可以开展一幅画作
where I can go to a work,
进行绘画
work on it,
暂停下来也可以
feel that it's OK to stop there,
只要说 "好了 可以了"
just be like, "OK, we're good."
我现在喜欢我的状态
I kinda like where mine's at right now.
你就这么放着了吗 画完了吗
You gonna leave it there? It's done?
差不多 暂时吧
Kinda. Yeah. For now.
那脑袋呢
What about the head?
-我喜欢就这样 -真的吗
‐ I like it like that. ‐ Really?
我喜欢头的轮廓
I just like the silhouette of the head.
我不喜欢加上眼睛什么的
I don't want to put eyes on it or anything.
马头下巴的轮廓线很好
I got the good jawline on the horse head.
去年这个时候 我很害怕
Last year around this time, like, I was scared,
我以为我没法再搞艺术了
I thought I wouldn't be able to do art again,
但只要去做就行了
but you just do art.
我画了不能再搞艺术的画
I did art about not being able to do art again.
我因为很难过 而画了一幅画
I did a piece of art 'cause I was frustrated
因为虽然感觉不对 我还是画了
'cause it didn't feel right, but I still did it.
现在一年后看着那幅画 我很喜欢
And now I kinda like the piece, looking at it a year later.
但是当时 我很生气
But in the time, I was just so angry
我感觉"这种感觉很新奇
I just felt like, "This is foreign to me,
我不知道该怎么办" 但是你坚持
I don't know what to do," But you persist,
你每天都继续做一点点
you continue to do your craft a little bit each day.
如果你真的喜欢 你会坚持下去