104号房间

'cause I just... It's, like, evil.
我不仅吸毒 还用迷幻剂
Not only did I do meth, but I did LSD,
迷幻蘑菇 抽大♥麻♥
I did mushrooms, I smoked weed.
还吸过一次海♥洛♥因♥
I smoked heroin once.
就像我不停堕落着...
Like I went down the pipeline of, just like...
"这是干什么的 会如何影响我
"What does it do? How does it affect me?
我们试试看吧"
Let's try it."
我有整整一年都少量地在吸迷幻剂
I was microdosing LSD for, like, a year straight.
那对你的大脑有很大影响
And, like, that has a huge effect on your brain chemistry,
我开始出现幻听
and I started hearing voices.
我要开始拼图了 我要在那边拼
I'm gonna start my collaging. I'm gonna collage over here.
我要在这边工作了
I'm gonna work over here.
我们现在做这个挺有意思的
You know, it's interesting we're doing this now,
我们真的就快到一周年纪念日了
we're literally coming up on the year anniversary.
我先倒回一下
Let me just back it up a second.
许个愿 好吗
Make a little wish, OK?
詹尼出生的那晚 我记得他出来的那刻
The night Gianni was born, I remember him coming out
看着他有了生命
and watching the life come into his body.
他就这么看着我 一切都很不真实
He just looked at me. It was surreal.
再跳到去年的...12月5日
Cut to December fifth...of last year.
他跑到我家
He came to my house
精神状态完全不正常
in a full blown psychotic episode.
我甚至都不知道他是谁
I didn't know who the fuck he was.
我们真的就在后院进行了一场谈话
We had this thing literally in the backyard,
我们坐在那 面对面交谈着
we were sitting there, we were talking across from each other,
他处于一种精神不正常状态
and he was like in a full blown episode.
他突然跟我说
At one point he said to me,
他说"别担心 我不会杀掉你的"
he said "Don't worry, I'm not gonna kill you."
然后我想"这个混♥蛋♥是在思考要干掉我吗"
And I thought, "Is this motherfucker thinkin' about killin' me?"
我都吓呆了
And I was petrified.
我说 “詹尼 我进去倒点水喝”
I said, "Gianni, I'm gonna go in the house and get some water."
我走进房♥子 报了警
I went in the house and I called the cops.
然后我说"你们可以来抓走我的儿子了"
And I said, "You gotta come and get my son."
我知道的就是...
All I know is, it was like
那是我这辈子做过最困难的事了
the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.
警♥察♥来了 把詹尼押进车里
The cops come, Gianni got in the car
然后他被强制进行心理咨♥询♥
and, you know, they took him to the fucking psych unit and shit,
然后我们去了那 第一天晚上我去看他
and we went there, first night I go in,
他在做侧手翻
he's like fuckin' doing cartwheels
或者后空翻
or backflips in the thing,
他让我头疼不已
he's head butting me,
他十分生气 特别恼火
he's really angry, really agitated.
然后我们发现
And then we found out
他被诊断出两种病
that he's got a dual diagnosis.
包括毒瘾 还有心理疾病
Couple that with the addiction. It's a mental illness.
那现在你面临的就完全是另一件事了
So now you're dealing with a whole 'nother thing.
怎么样了 詹宝
How ya doin', G?
有些...
Yeah, it's...
有些到处都是的感觉
It's all over the place.
亲爱的 这是你想表达的
All right, well, it's your thing, baby.
我们把整个系列放一起吧...
Let's put a whole series together...
我被诊断为双相I型和II型
I've been diagnosed bipolar I and II,
情感分♥裂♥性障碍 精神分♥裂♥症
schizoaffective, schizophrenic.
我不清楚是不是毒品导致了我的心理疾病
I don't know if my mental illness was just caused from my drug use.
毒品诱导出心理疾病
Is it chemically induced mental illness,
还是说它是遗传的
or is actually something that's biological?
先潜伏着 以后发作
Or something that onset later?
他们会作出诊断
They would diagnose me,
我得吃点药
and I'd do the meds for a little bit,
然后我自己停药了 因为我想说
then I'd take myself off 'em because I was just like,
我是酒精和毒品成瘾者
I'm an alcoholic and I'm an addict,
我喜欢感觉兴奋
and I like feeling high,
而不吃药的时候 我躁狂发作
and when I'm unmedicated and I go into mania,
我从中感受到兴奋
I feel high from that.
我喜欢感觉有点低落
I like feeling a little off,
我喜欢感觉有点奇怪
I like feeling a little weird,
我喜欢感觉有点不正常
I like feeling a little askew
而不完全循规蹈矩
and not totally bolted to the ground.
你可以马上扔给我一块抹布吗
Can you throw me one of those rags real quick?
喜欢这只大手吗
Like the big hand?
我感觉有些太大了 但是
It's a little too big for my taste, but
可以扔给我一块抹布吗
Can you throw me one of those rags, please?
或许对于手来说 是有些大了
Maybe it is too big of a hand.
想要坐下吗 坐会儿吗
Wanna have a seat? Wanna sit down?
詹宝
G-bo.
想要坐下吗
Wanna sit down?
我现在一点都不满意
I don't like it at all right now.
我毫不怀疑你最后能完成
There's no question in my mind you're gonna get there.
不 我明白 我不担心完不完的成
No, I know, I'm not worried about getting there.
所以就是无论你添上去什么 画还没干
So just like whatever you jumped in, the paint was still wet...
-你明白我的意思吗 -看起来像是很大只的鸡
- You know what I mean? - Looks like a big chicken.
我看着完全不像鸡
I don't see a chicken at all.
我的意思是 我看到的就是...
I mean I just see like a fuckin'...
-一团墨 -我看着也不像一团墨
- A blob. - I don't see a blob,
我看到的不过是一个夸张 荒诞的...
I just see a very exaggerated, grotesque...
要是我是你 我会做的是
If I were you, one of the things I would do is,
我会在你的画布上重画
I would hit your canvas
那么上面会多出一点空白
so there's kind of a little bit more white to it,
然后你重做之后 就会突显出其他东西
and then as you go over it, the other things will pop out.
-我同意 -对吧
- Yeah, I agree. - Right?
所以再画就好
So just hit it again.
你在干什么 为什么不拿滚筒
What are you doin'? Why don't you hit it with the roller?
因为我不喜欢滚筒
'Cause I don't like the roller.
詹尼 这样的话 要好久画也干不了了
Ohh, Gianni, the paint's gonna take forever to dry.
他完全听不进我的话
He's not fuckin' listenin' to me.
你这样做
The way you're doing that, man,
要好久才会干
it's gonna take a long time to dry.
这些是我应该吸取的教训
These are lessons that I was supposed to learn about,
放手不管就好
like, backin' off,
而不是什么小事都要管
not micromanaging.
对啊 我就会直接覆盖
Yeah, man, I would just hit that.
边上也涂满
Hit the edge too.
这才对嘛
Yeah, there you go, brother.
这样就好多了
Yeah, man, that's much better.
对我来说 寄生在地球上一个人类的躯壳里
For me, being born into a human body on planet Earth
并不舒服
didn't make sense to me.
我就像是 我是谁...这是什么
I'm like, what am I‐‐ what is this?
白天与黑夜 爱与恨 好与坏 都是什么
What's this night/day, love/hate, good/bad,
这两极分化都是什么
all this polarity, all this separation?
我实在不能理解
This doesn't make sense to my inherent nature
在我的内心深处 那个完整统一的自己
and my inherent being of oneness and completeness and, like, a unified whole.
我感觉被割裂了 有些孤独和古怪
I feel fractured and separated and alone and weird,
我一直对死亡那刻很着迷
and I've always been fascinated with the moment of death,
所以我...
and so I...
我想要自己体验几次死亡
wanted to meet death a couple times on my own sword.
也许我会画一匹大马
Maybe I'll just do a big horse on it.
对我来说 我
For me, I had...
我这辈子自杀过两次
two attempts on my life,
其中一次是我年轻点的时候
one was when I was younger,
最近一次是更加刻意的
and then the last one was more intentional.
得等这干掉
Gonna wait for it to dry.
那一次可以说是
I had an episode that I can only describe
丧失了言语和数字表达功能
as losing the letters and the numbers.
我无法表达自己 于是
I couldn't articulate myself, and therefore,
我从精神病院出来时
when I came out of the psychosis
基本不认得任何人
I couldn't relate to anyone.
我就计划了
And I created this rig,
差点就要自杀了
and I was about to turn on the switch,
然后门外突然传来一阵敲门声
and then there was a knock on my door,
是我的前女友桑珊敲门 打开了门
and my ex‐girlfriend Sunshine knocked on‐‐ opened the door
救了我的命 打给了我爸爸