疯狂老爸箴言录

$#*! My Dad Says S01E18

Part 1 May 3, 2020, 11:06 p.m.

《疯狂老爸箴言录》前情回顾
Previously on Bleep My Dad Says...
儿子坐屋子够干净了
Son, sit down. The house is clean enough.
又不是让你清理犯罪现场
We didn't accidentally kill a hooker.
我们只是吃了顿饭
We had brunch.
规矩不像孩子
Rules are not children!
你觉着孩子不爽
You just can't throw them out
可以立马让他们滚蛋
when they become a pain in the ass!
如果这笋瓜再丑点儿
If that squash were any uglier,
你老哥在大学的时候就会跟它上♥床♥了
your brother would have tried to sleep with it in college.
你是不是把我的事儿写成文章了
Did you write an article about me?
我写的是我和你一起生活的事儿
I wrote an article about me living with you.
-里面有我没有吧 -有
- Am I in it? - Yes.
和"你"生活就得有你
You're the "You" part.
你在利用我
You're exploiting me.
凯西·李·吉弗德：美国著名主持人
我可不是给凯西·李·吉弗德
I'm not some 11-year-old in china
做牛仔裤的中国童工
making blue jeans for Kathie Lee Gifford.
看看我们这一大家子
Look at us.
围坐在一起饭后看看电视
We're sitting around, watching tv after dinner.
多好
This is kind of awesome.
多像一家子正常人
It's like we're a normal family.
是啊有老爸有两个长大成人的儿子有儿媳妇
Yeah, dad, his two grown sons, one of their wives,
还有男佣人
a maid with balls.
诺曼·罗克韦尔美国著名插图画家
谁给诺曼·罗克韦尔打个电♥话♥
Somebody call Norman Rockwell.
现在
在厨房♥桌子上工作这件事我怎么跟你说的
What have I told you about working at the kitchen table?
厨房♥桌子就俩功能
Kitchen table's for two things--
吃饭跟做♥爱♥
Eating and making love.
得现在吃饭的功能也没了
And now it's not for eating anymore.
-再说我没工作 -那你干啥呢
- Besides, I'm not working. - what are you doing?
更新我的脸谱网状态
Updating my facebook status.
你的状态都一年没变过了
Your status hasn't changed in a year--
"住你爹家闲得数胸毛"
"Lives with dad, still counts chest hairs."
我打算改成
I am going to write
"人在屋檐下不得不低头"
"In the hizzie fo' shizzie."
不过我还是会考虑你的建议的
But I'm gonna keep your suggestion in mind.
啥时候我也给你注册一个脸谱网账号♥啊
When are you gonna let me put you on facebook?
没兴趣珍爱生命远离网络
I'm not interested. I'm completely off the grid.
让别人都知道已经没我这人了
As far as anyone knows, I cease to exist.
完全人间蒸发了
I've completely disappeared,
就跟《尖峰时刻》里那老黑似的
like that black guy in the rush hour movies.
等下你说谁
Wait. Who?
就是这效果
Exactly.
但是爸你看这上可好玩了
Well, dad, there's so much you can do on here.
分享视频上传照片
You can share videos, post pictures.
看这个我传了二百多张照片
Here, check this out. I got, like, 200 pics on here.
全这一个呆样儿
You're doing this in all of them.
是啊告诉别人我挺滋润
Yeah. Shows people I'm having fun.
告诉别人你是个呆
Shows people you're a schmuck.
得
All right.
"戳"：脸谱网上的一个打招呼的功能
某人被不会被别人"戳"了
Someone's not gettin' poked.
没错如果你这么呆下去就没人"戳"你
Yeah, you, if you keep doing this.
你干嘛老这么消极啊
Why do you have to be so negative about it?
-两周后才能知道结果呢 -亲爱的我没怀上
- We'll know in two weeks. - Honey, I'm not pregnant.
我的身体我知道我没有任何征兆
I know my body--I don't have any of the symptoms--
什么肿胀感啊奇怪的暴饮暴食啊
Any of the bloating, the weird food cravings,
胸部敏感都没有
the sensitive breasts.
这症状文斯都有啊没准他怀了
Maybe Vince is pregnant.
亲爱的咱别再说这个了行不
Honey, look, let's just not talk about it anymore, okay?
咱们就全身心投入工作
We're just gonna throw ourselves into our work.
我明天要跑五所出♥售♥房♥
I have five open houses set up for tomorrow.
咱们集中精力搞定那个好不
We're just gonna focus on that, okay?
别再说怀孕的事了
No more talk about pregnancy.
情绪大♥波♥动
Mood swings?
-你干嘛呢 -更新我脸谱网状态
- What are you doing? - Updating my facebook status.
嗯不错啊
Oh. Sweet.
还是"像反派一样悠哉"吗
You still chillin' like a villain?
换了
Nah.
现在是"人在屋檐下...不得不低头"
Now I'm in the hizzie... fo' shizzie.
不错我得上线关注一下
Cool. I'm gonna go online and like that.
哎哟喂爸听这个
Okay, dad, listen to this.
有美女给我发脸谱网私信
Some really cute girl just messaged me on facebook,
说她看了我写的关于你的文章
Says she's read the article I wrote about you,
现在她想见我
and now she wants to meet me.
明白点儿啥没
What does that tell you?
明白了在电脑另一头对方闻不到你的味道
Tells me you can't smell someone through a computer.
疯狂老爸箴言录
第一季第十八集本季完
爸跟你说几句话成不
Hey, dad, can I talk to you for a second?
我这儿忙着呢
I'm very busy.
酷维普：不含奶制品的奶油泡代替物
亲爱的酷维普
"Dear Cool Whip..."
我想知道它还是不是不含奶制品的
I want to know if it's still nondairy.
如果是的话为啥非得放冰箱里
And if so, why do I have to keep it in the fridge?
你要干嘛
What do you want?
你记得脸谱网私信我那女孩吗
Okay, uh, remember that girl who facebook-messaged me
因为她看了我写的关于你的文章
'cause she read the article I wrote about you?
记得我啥也没干就想这事儿了
Yes, it's all I've been thinking about.
她叫劳拉·格瑞芬
Well, her name is Laura Griffin.
我们刚一起喝咖啡了老爸她超赞的
We just had coffee a bit ago. Dad, she's great.
她人特有趣
She's interesting.
又幽默...而且是这样的
She's funny and... here's the thing.
她想见你
She wants to meet you.
她干嘛想见我
Why would she want to meet me?
-因为那文章啊 -什么文章
- 'cause of the article. - what article?
我写的关于你的那个
The one I wrote about you.
你写了个关于我的文章吗
You wrote an article about me?
我说啥你都当放屁是吧
You really don't listen to anything I say, do you?
抱歉你说啥
I'm sorry. What did you say?
我跟劳拉一会儿要出去
Laura and I are gonna go out in a bit,
我想知道能不能先把她带到这儿来
and I want to know if I can bring her by here beforehand.
-不行 -为啥
- No. - Why not?
因为你会介绍我们认识
Because you're gonna introduce us.
她会说几句
She's gonna want to say something.
然后我再说几句
Then I'm gonna have to say something.
她再回应一下
She's gonna respond to that.
不知不觉地我们就聊上天了
Before you know it, we're talking, and, uh...
我讨厌那样
I hate that.
那叫交谈爸
That's called a conversation, dad.
我知道讨厌的就是交谈我还讨厌脸谱网
I know, and I hate that! And I hate Facebook.
而且我不想跟陌生人说话
And I don't want to talk to anyone new.
我只想知道我到底能不能
All I want to know is, can I or can I not
把酷维普跟那神奇拖把一起放壁橱里
put The cool whip in the closet with the mop & glo?
老爸我作为一个男人请求你
Dad, I'm appealing to you as a man.
见见这姑娘
Please meet this girl.
-不行 -得
- No. - Fine.
那我作为你儿子请求你
Then I'm appealing to you as your son.
-见见她 -不要
- Meet her. - No.
老爸我想嘿♥咻♥
Dad, I want to get laid.
这样啊那让她来吧
Oh! Bring her by!
现在怎么样感觉有什么不同吗
How about now? You feel any different?
有刚刚他踢我了
Yeah. I think I just felt it kick.
我的天啊真的
Oh, my god, really?
假的如果你再问我怀孕的事你会被踢你
No. But you will if you keep asking if I'm pregnant.
-对不起嘛 -我告诉过你
- I'm sorry. - I told you.
我要集中注意力卖♥♥♥房♥♥子
I just want to focus on houses.
你说得对
Okay, you're right.
-这房♥子真是不同凡响 -我也觉得
- Well, this place is incredible. - I know, I know.
我听说那个演过《尖峰时刻》的
I heard that the black guy
老黑以前也住过这里
from the Rush Hour movies used to live here.
谁
Who?
我我也不知道