疯狂老爸箴言录

$#*! My Dad Says S01E16

Part 1 May 3, 2020, 11:05 p.m.

《疯狂老爸箴言录》前情回顾
Previously, on Bleep My Dad Says...
我也想要被追求
I...need to be courted.
我结过三次婚了
Hey, listen, I've married three times,
每次都搞到法♥院♥去
And each one of them took me to court.
我受够法♥院♥了
I'm done courting.
court 有法♥院♥和求爱的意思
赶快把文件签了我们就能装减速带了
Sign this paper so we can get our speed bump.
减速带不会装的
The speed bump is not gonna happen.
-我们投票通过了呀 -我否决了
We voted on it. - I vetoed.
为什么就是因为我不肯跟你上♥床♥
Why, because I wouldn't sleep with you?
我邻居就是个彻头彻尾的混♥蛋♥
My neighbor is a complete ass--
你拨个电♥话♥咋按那么多数
Why are you dialing so many numbers?
往中国打吗
Are you calling China?
我在给文斯发短♥信♥
I'm texting Vince.
他不就去街角遛狗了吗
He's down the block with the dog.
想让他回来
If you wanna get him in here,
打开包薯片不就得了
just crinkle a bag of potato chips.
他保准跟个酷爱吉祥物似的飞奔进门来
He'll burst through that door like the Kool-Aid man.
酷爱: 一种低价刺♥激♥饮料吉祥物微圆形似文斯
我们喜欢发短♥信♥ 总在发
We like texting. We do it all the time.
在浴室当然就不发短♥信♥了
Well, not anymore in the bathroom.
照相手♥机♥直接整彩信
Camera phones put an end to that.
不晓得人干嘛总要交流没完没了
I don't know why people wanna communicate all the time.
我爹妈结婚45年
My mother and father were married for 45 years,
我看到他们唯一一次交流是
and the only time I saw them communicate was when
她在他氧气瓶上留了张条说 "我要离开你"
she left a note on his oxygen tank saying, "I'm leaving you."
我们喜欢发短♥信♥
We like texting.
觉得这是另一种联络感情的方式
We feel like it's another way to connect.
-嗨宝 -嗨
- Hey, honey. - Hey.
我的大宝贝怎么样
How's my number one boy?
黑牛已经被狗狗公园驱逐了
Well, Root Beer is now banned from the dog park.
啥咋了
What? What happened?
我想狂吠和瞎骑都没啥
I guess it's okay to bark and it's okay to hump.
不过两样一起干就吓人了
But doing both at the same time really freaks people out.
狗就很好它们不需要语言
Dogs have it right. They don't need words.
也照样交流也没见它们发短♥信♥
They connect just fine. They don't text.
也没见它们跟你吐槽上班时的杂七杂八
They don't tell you what a boring day they had at work.
它们直接闻对方菊花
They just sniff each other's asses.
就能决定是上了它咬死它
And decide whether they're gonna hump, fight,
还是赶紧闪
or go their separate ways.
那老艾呀说不准你该跟只狗约会
Well, Ed, maybe you should date a dog.
还真约过
Oh, I have.
在缅因州住了一年
Lived in Maine for a year.
你有没有把你狗狗哲学
Have you shared your dog philosophy
跟你女朋友罗斯玛丽分享一下
with your girlfriend Rosemary?
她不是女朋友就是个能打炮的邻居
She's not my girlfriend. She's my neighbor with benefits.
知道啥意思吗
You know what that means?
知道很不幸我知道
Yes. Yes, unfortunately, I do.
不是你想的那样
Well, it's not what you think.
我们还没私通
We haven't fornicated.
我恶恶太恶心了
Yech! Bleh! Gross.
咋了不是说我们没找到乐趣
What? Not that we don't have fun.
她让我--
She let's me--
求你了别跟你儿媳妇探讨你的性生活
Uh, please, no sex talk with your daughter-in-law.
我就是说吧她心情好的时候
I'm just saying that when she's in a good mood--
别说了我说真的
No. Seriously.
每次你说你的性生活
Every time you talk about your sex life,
我都离死近了一步
I die a little.
得那我不说了
Fine. I won't say anything.
-除了 -别老艾
- Except-- - No! Ed...
别说了暗示也不行
Don't say it. Don't even hint at it.
得不暗示
Fine. I won't hint at it.
进行到又摸又亲的阶段
Second base.
我肾功能衰竭了
My kidneys just shut down.
我就不理解了
I just--I don't even know why
咋有人想当你女朋友
someone would want to be your girlfriend.
说了不是女朋友
I told you she's not my girlfriend.
好那你自己形容一下你们的关系
All right, well then how would you describe your relationship?
这个嘛活泼天生金发
Well...perky, natural blonde
屁屁又挺又翘又有弹性的帅爹
with an ass you can bounce a quarter off of.
和他的邻居罗斯玛丽
And his neighbor Rosemary.
你们俩在一起一个月了
You guys have been going out for a month.
是时候该给她个名分了吧
Isn't it time you decide what to call it?
只要一定名就开始走下坡路了
The moment you give something a name, it's all downhill.
文斯和亨利就这样
That's what happened to Vince and Henry.
出生头四天俩未命名的古德森小子
The first four days of their lives, the unnamed Goodson boys
就是天才
were geniuses.
靠妈的
Ah, shoot.
我把手♥机♥扔垃圾处理机里了
I dropped my cell phone in the garbage disposal.
稍等我把灯打开好看清楚
Hold on. Let me turn on the light so we can see.
罗斯玛丽不想弄清她跟你到哪步了吗
Doesn't Rosemary wanna know where she stands?
想昨儿还跟我提过呢
Yeah, she brought that up last night.
想知道我俩是不是在专一的约会
Wanted to know if we were dating exclusively.
我说"不是"
I said "Nope."
她肯定特不高兴吧
Well, that must've bummed her out.
也没有
Not really.
-因为她让我 -停别说求你了
'cause she let me-- - Dup! Stop, please.
咋了
What?
-请她吃晚饭 -哦
- Buy her dinner. - oh.
-之前做了点"小热身" -该死
- Before I felt her up. - Damn it
疯狂老爸箴言录
第一季第十六集
邦妮下来
Bonnie, come down here.
你一定得看这个
You gotta see this.
-好来吧 -好
- All right, show me. - Okay.
特百惠的咖啡桌上有小桶装狗粮
There's kibble in the Tupperware on the coffee table.
我教会了黑牛怎么自己打开
I taught root beer how to open it himself
然后吃掉
and eat it.
看好了
Watch this. Okay.
黑牛
Root Beer.
去吃狗粮
Get the kibble.
去吃
Get the kibble.
来嘛黑牛快吃去呀
Come on, Root Beer. Get the kibble.
他刚才就做到了
He was doing it earlier.
来嘛黑牛吃狗粮去
Come on, Root Beer. Get the kibble.
去吃快去吃
Get the kibble. Get the kibble.
门铃响了文斯
Oh, the doorbell. Vince.
去开门去开门
Get the door. Get the door.
文斯
Vince.
快去开门
Get the door.
凯蒂你来干嘛
Katie. What are you doing here?
有规定前雇主不能造访前雇员吗
Can't an ex-boss come visit her former employees?
最好别这样做
We'd rather she didn't.
我能进来吗
May I come in?
最好别这样做
We'd rather she didn't.
我认为你们对我要说的会很感兴趣
I think you're going to want to hear what I have to say.
我意识到我以前是个比较过分的老板
I realize that I might have been kind of a harsh boss.
比较过分
Kind of a harsh b--
你把口香糖黏在我头发上
You put gum in my hair.
文斯一旦丢了生意你就用
And--and you hit Vince with a fly swatter
苍蝇拍打他
when he lost a sale.
他没有头发可以用来黏口香糖
Well, I couldn't put gum in his hair.
而你又不会怕
And you don't flinch.
看到没
See?
还有还有
And also, also!
你一有机会就挑拨我和文斯
You'd always pit me and vince against each other
之间的关系
every chance you got.
我才没有
Oh, I didn't do that.
文斯你明事理
Vince, you're the reasonable one.
你来和她说
Tell her.
好不容易你和我
And then there was that one time
能真正谈一次话
that we had a real conversation,