疯狂老爸箴言录

$#*! My Dad Says S01E02

Part 1 May 3, 2020, 11:03 p.m.

-早啊 -早
- Morning. - Morning.
看我给你做了西红柿沙拉哦
Hey, I have made you a tomato salad.
我又不爱吃西红柿
I don't like tomatoes.
不你不爱吃你家边上超♥市♥
No, you don't like the tasteless crap
卖♥♥的那些冒充西红柿的无味垃圾
they pass off as tomatoes at your local supermarket.
而这些宝贝...
These babies...
我亲手把它们养大
I raised with my own hands.
就像吃自己的孩子一样
It's like eating a child.
既然你心情这么好那我就说了
So since you're in a such a loving mood,
我都搬进来一礼拜了都安顿差不多了
I've been here for a week now, and now that I'm all settled in,
如果再能接通网络就更方便了
It would really help me out if we got an internet hookup.
先别急着说不我来付钱咯
And before you say no, I pay for it.
不
No.
你想都不想
You're not even gonna consider it?
我想了啊我觉得"不行"
Oh, I do consider it. I consider it a no.
-为啥我们不能通网络 -不需要啊
- Why can't we get the internet? - We don't need internet.
可我需要啊我是作家
Well, I do. I'm a writer.
-我需要调查 -调查啥
- I need to do research. - Research?
我有一整套《科里尔大百科》
I got a complete set of collier's encyclopedia
堆在那屋里呢
in the other room.
真给力
That's great.
不过不知上面写没写朝鲜战争打成啥样了
Still wondering how that korean war's gonna turn out.
想知道新闻看报纸啊
Get your news the way I and millions
地球人都知道
of other americans do-- the daily paper.
我真的需要上网
I really need this.
没门
No.
给我个说得通的理由
Give me one good reason.
没问题
Okay.
每种新技术都会导致我的孩子自♥慰♥
Any new technology leads to my kids masturbating.
你说啥呢
What are you talking about?
我买♥♥录像机那年
Well, the summer I got the VCR,
文斯跟猪小弟开始爱爱
It was--it was Vince and--and--and porky's.
装了有线电视那年是你跟小美人鱼
Summer I got cable, it was you and the little mermaid.
咱要是通了网络
I'm afraid if we get internet,
小美人鱼还不来水漫金山啊
I'll have to move to higher ground.
爸...
Dad...
你别总把网络
Try to imagine the internet
当成自♥慰♥的快捷方式
not as the masturbation superhighway,
它可是连接起我生活所有部分的主板
But as the main route that leads from me fo every other part of my life.
我的工作社交
My work life, my social life--
都在网上
It's all done online.
我的下一份工作就指着它了
It's how I'm gonna get my next job.
我跟别人交流也全靠它
It's how I communicate.
拜托啦别说不嘛
Come on. Don't say no.
好吧表
Okay. Nyet.
别想了不让装不让不让就不让
Not gonna happen. Never. Nada. No. Nope.
"不"之协奏曲
No, no...stradamus.
不不不不不*
*No no no no no
不不不不不*
*No no no no no
不不不不不不不*
*No no no no no no no
不不不不不不不不不不*
*No no no no no, no no no no no
不不不不不不不*
*No no no no no no no
疯狂老爸箴言录
第一季第二集
叮咚
Knock, knock.
我来给送你干洗的衣服
I'm just dropping off your dry cleaning,
我这就得走
And then I have to go.
这件是你的灰背心
Here is your gray vest,
你灰不拉叽的背心和褪了色的灰背心
Your gray-ish vest, and your off-gray vest.
参加"我灰色我自豪"游♥行♥时可以一起穿
You can wear them all in the gray pride prade.
好哇
Hey-oh!
问他了没
Did you ask him?
我说了我不想问他这事
I said I didn't want to ask him about it
这太难为情了
Because it's embarrassing.
这有啥好难为情的宝贝他是医生
Ugh. Why is it embarrassing? Honey, he's a doctor.
我们又不是小孩子了
We're all adults here.
看我的爸能看看我老婆的咪♥咪♥吗
Look, dad, will you look at my wife's boob?
-你的咪♥咪♥在这挡着呢 -我闪
- I'm looking at him. - Okay.
我这里起了一小片疹子
I have got a small rash in this area right here,
文斯让我跟你描述一下情形
And Vince thought I should describe it to you,
让你诊断下
So you could diagnose it.
咦我有办法
Oh, wait, I know.
我们可以上网自己查哦
Why don't we just look it up on the internet?
不过可惜...
Oh, wait...
-掀起来我看看 -不不用了
- Let me take a look. - Mm, no. Yeah.
给他看已经够难为情了
It's hard enough showing them to him.
邦妮我行医43载
Bonnie, I've been a doctor for 43 years.
共见过811只乳♥房♥♥
I've seen 811 breasts in my time.
我向你保证我睡觉前
And I can assure you that yours will not be the ones
绝对不会意淫你这对
I'll be thinking about when I go to bed tonight.
所以你要想让我检查下放心愿意效劳
So if you want me to put your mind at ease, fine.
你要是唧唧歪歪的我没工夫探讨
If not, I've spent way too much time talking
你的咪♥咪♥
about your boobs.
算了豁出去了早死早超生
Okay, fine. Let's make it quick.
跟老爸处得怎么样
So how's it going living with dad?
我也说不好
Oh, I don't know.
今天早上我问他能不能通网络
This morning I asked him if we can get internet,
他说没门
And he said no.
不光说他还高歌♥一曲"没门"出来
But that wasn't good enough, so then he sang no.
完全了解
Yeah. Yeah.
我听过他《没门》专辑里的好多首歌♥了
I've heard many tracks off the old "No" Album.
《唤醒我--没门》
Wake me up before you no-no.
《垂涎美女--癞蛤♥蟆♥想吃天鹅》
Lucy in the sky with no.
无所谓我才不管
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
反正我已经打电♥话♥给电♥信♥公♥司♥
I already called the phone company.
他们今天就会派人来
They're sending someone out today
开通网络
to install the internet.
太过了吧你知道这么做没啥好结果
Whoa. No, that's--that's not gonna go over well.
咱家老头就恨变化你又不是不知道
Come on, the man hates change. You know that.
不管既然他让我搬进来
Well, he should've thought about that
就该想到会有变化的
before he asked me to move in.
你搬是搬进来了
Look, it's fine you moved in.
但别奢望他能顾及你
Just don't expect him to accommodate you.
为啥不能他能顾及他那些菜
Why not? He accommodates his vegetables.
寒冬腊月
In the wintertime,
他都能给洋蓟带绒线帽
He puts stocking caps on his artichokes.
我是他亲儿子
I'm his son.
他连条毯子都不多给我一条
He doesn't give me an extra blanket.
来亨利
Come here, Henry.
来坐
Come on.
你干嘛--干嘛搂我这么紧
Why are you-- why are you holding me so tight?
等等等一下
Dah dah dah. Wait for it.
-天呐真恶心 -真的吗
- Oh, my god, that's awful! - Is that so?
文斯应该是使用而了生化武器
好了掀起来看看
All right, let's take a look.
天呐这太怪异了
Oh, god, this is weird.
我们是不是先谈谈
I mean, shouldn't we talk first?
你想让我先请你喝杯苹果味马丁尼
You want me to buy you an appletini
然后夸你漂亮吗
and tell you you look pretty?
看来不用谈了好
I guess it doesn't matter. Okay.
好吧
Okay.
看起来怎样
What does it look like?
看起来像根锁骨再往下拉点
It looks like a clavicle. I need to see more.
好的现在...现在怎样
Okay. Now--now what do you see?
像锁骨的末端
Looks like the bottom of the clavicle.
这实在太囧了
This is just so weird.
我...我虽然见过你大半夜光着下半身
I mean, I've--I've seen you get a midnight snack in nothing
找宵夜吃
but your t-shirt.
天啊那个曲奇罐
Ugh. Why did that cookie jar
为什么要放在冰箱顶上
have to be on top of that fridge?
我只瞄了一眼然后安慰自己
I just squinted and told myself
你不过是掏蜜罐的小熊维尼罢了