疯狂老爸箴言录

$#*! My Dad Says S01E02

Part 2 May 3, 2020, 11:03 p.m.

it was Winnie the pooh reaching for a honeypot.
此时此刻我只是你的医生
Right now I'm just your doctor,
你是我的病人
and you're just my patient.
你必须让我给你检查一下
Now, you're gonna have to let me examine you.
别紧张
Just relax.
好吧来吧
Okay. Here goes.
上帝啊现在有杯酒该多好
God, I would kill for an appletini.
天啊
Oh, god.
啊噢
Uh-oh.
天啊医生严重吗
Oh, god. Doctor, is it bad?
没救了吗求你了我不能死
Is it fatal? Please, I can't die.
我还没跟亚洲女拉拉过呢
I've never kissed an asian woman.
什么没说你
What? No.
今晚会转凉
It's gonna be cold tonight,
我还没给芜菁盖毯子呢
and I forgot to put the blankets on the turnips.
原来是这样啊
Oh. Oh. Phew.
别在意亚洲女那档子事
Well, disregard that whole asian-woman thing.
那个就是我随便说说
It's just, you know, something you say.
我告诉你
Look, I got to tell you,
让装宽带的人来这是个错误
I think you having the cable guy come over here is a big mistake.
亨利要想从老爸那得到什么
Henry, the safest way to get something from dad
最稳妥的方法就是自残
is to injure yourself.
-你胡说什么 -很简单亨利
- What are you talking about? - It's real simple, Henry.
如果你受伤了爸爸就会送你件礼物
If you get hurt, dad will buy you a present.
也许是出于自责什么的
I don't know if it's guilt or what,
但你要想上网下这狠心吧
but you want the internet, that's the way to go.
你故意自残吗
You injure yourself on purpose?
偶尔为之不常这样
Not always. Not always.
有时只是些美丽的意外
Sometimes it's just a happy accident.
瞧看见了吗这条疤
Look, see this? See that scar?
从树上摔下来断了胳膊肘
Fell out of a tree, broke an elbow--
得到了斯普林斯演唱会门票
Springsteen tickets.
美国著名蓝领摇滚明星
再瞧瞧这个看见了吗
Look at this one. See that?
往儿童泳池跳水
Cannonball into a kiddie pool,
膝盖骨骨裂
shattered kneecap--
参加舞会派了加长车接送
Limo to my prom.
这又是什么
What's this guy?
那个呃加长车事故
That--well, that's a limo accident,
因为老爸不给雇司机
'cause dad wouldn't pay for a driver.
-搞定 -邦姐怎么样
- All done. - How's Bon?
噢她没事
Oh, she's fine.
小打小闹的真菌感染
Just a harmless fungus infection.
别担心不会传染
Don't worry. It's not contagious.
学名花斑糠疹涂点可的松
Tinea versicolor-- treat it with cortisone,
可的松是一种肾上皮质激素软膏
几天就消退了
goes away in a couple of days.
花斑糠疹
Tinea versicolor?
没错那是真菌的名字
Yes. That's the name of the fungus.
很常见
It's very common.
显微镜下
And under a microscope,
它看起来就像意大利面加肉丸
it looks like spaghetti and meatballs.
什么它看起来像啥来着
I'm sorry. It looks like what, now?
放大后的疹子
When you magnify the rash,
看起来就一些像白色线状物
it looks like little stringy white things
裹着红色的黏酱
coming down in a reddish, viscous fluid
里面还生着一些褐色的瘤状物
with brown, lumpy things growing inside--
俗称意大利面加肉丸
You know, spaghetti and meatballs.
咪♥咪♥版意大利面加肉丸吗
Spaghetti and meatballs on her boob?
吃嘛嘛香
Bon appe-teets.
你要再动一下
If you move...
两件事会接连发生
two things will happen.
首先我会扣动扳机
The first, the gun getting cocked,
然后你的小♥弟♥弟♥遭殃
The second, the inverse of that.
扣扳机和小♥弟♥弟♥是一个词
老爸搞什么
Whoa! Dad! What the hell?
亨利这没你的事
Henry, stay out of it!
快报♥警♥ 说这里发生了一起可怕的意外
Call 911. Tell them there's been a terrible accident!
老哥我只是装宽带的
Dude, I'm just the internet guy.
我靠你是姚明吗
Dude, you're a big dude.
我家根本就没网络
I don't have internet!
我知道所以我才叫他来
I know. That's why I called him.
他来给我们接入网络把枪放下
He's putting in the internet. Put that down.
我明确要求不让装你还叫人来
You called after I specifically told you not to?
爸你太荒唐了
Dad, you're being ridiculous.
你告诉他现在人人都用网络
Will you please tell him that everyone has the internet now?
告诉他这是我的房♥子我做主
Tell him it's my house, and I make the rules!
他的房♥子他做主
It's his house. He makes the rules.
为什么不照我的说
Why didn't you tell him about the internet?
小♥弟♥弟♥被枪指着呢
He's got a gun pointed at my wiener.
-他不会开枪的 -是吗我会的
- He's not gonna shoot you. - Oh, yes, I will.
-他只是在吓唬你 -很有效果
- He's just trying to scare you. - It's working.
告诉他我们这代
Please tell him that our generation
上不了网就一事无成
cannot function without the internet.
我说这倒没错他说到重点了
I mean, it's true. He makes a valid point.
你告诉他不能嘿♥咻♥才是最大的悲剧
You tell him your generation can't function without wieners!
好吧...
Again...
这次他又赢了
Again, he wins.
我小♥弟♥弟♥很给力的
I use my wiener for lots of stuff.
我说了他不会开枪的
I told you he's not going to shoot you.
我说了我会
I told you I will.
想试试吗
You know what?
开枪吧
Go ahead.
等等什么
Wait. What?
-别激我亨利 -开枪射他
- Don't you try me, Henry! - Shoot him.
老兄
Dude!
他这是虚张声势
He's bluffing.
他不会开枪的射他啊
He's not gonna shoot you. Shoot him!
-我会的 -射啊
- I will! - Do it!
-悉听尊便 -老哥
- Happy to you! - Dude!
你还等个什么
What are you waiting for?
不许说我在虚张声势亨利
Don't call my bluff, Henry!
这可不是拍电影
This isn't the movies!
我可是真会开枪的
Things will get very messy!
-我会帮你清理的 -哦是吗
- I'll help you clean up. - Oh, sure.
说得好像你很喜欢清理似的
The day you clean something up.
别磨叽了杀了这家伙
Will you stop stalling and shoot this guy?
-我会的 -射啊
- I will! - Do it!
额滴神啊
Oh, my god.
我要一枪毙了这软蛋
I will blow this stoner away!
有种你开枪啊
Oh, for god sakes, shoot him, or I will!
放心没事枪根本就没有上膛
Relax. No one's shooting anybody. This thing ain't even loaded.
一点都不好玩儿我不玩了
Not cool! Not cool at all!
怎么回事啊你脑袋被大象坐了吗
What's the matter with you? What are you thinking of?
不许再从我手里把枪抢走了
Don't you ever grab a gun out of my hand.
你差点杀了那孩子
You could've killed that kid
或是毁了我和史蒂芬·加维的合影
or ruined that picture of me and Steve Garvey.
棒球明星
我哪儿知道你会在这家里
I didn't think you'd actually keep
放一把上了膛的枪
a loaded gun in the house!
什么这家那家的是我家
It's not the house! It's my house.
在我家有上膛的枪
And in my house, we have loaded guns,
没有网络连接没得商量
and we don't have internet, and nothing's going to change!
现在和之前不一样了老爸我也住这儿
Things have changed, dad! I live here!
你既然要我搬来
You can't expect to have the same life you had
怎么能指望一切照旧呢
before you asked me to move in.
那你迁就我不能反过来
Then you change, not me!
做不到就挪窝吧
If you don't like it, go move someplace else.
把手给我
Give me your hand.
好休战
Fine. A truce.
休你个大头鬼
Truce, my ass.
我可不能在走火的枪上留下指纹
I never leave my prints on a gun that just went off.
老爸