疯狂老爸箴言录

$#*! My Dad Says S01E11

Part 3 May 3, 2020, 11:04 p.m.

老艾老艾别
And, Ed--Ed, don't--
好了好了吃饭
All right, all right, here we go.
对了亨利今天怎么样
All right, Henry, how was your day?
有什么新鲜事吗没别的意思
Any stories? No judgment.
就希望比昨天顺心些
Just hope it's better than yesterday's.
我因为昨天的事今天摊上麻烦了
I actually got in trouble for yesterday's story.
核查部的金把文章连同
The fact checker at work, Kim, handed in the article
恶搞的名字一块交出去了根本没校对
with the funny name in it, but she didn't proof it.
我不想她被炒
I didn't want her to get fired,
所以我担起责任了
so I took the heat for it.
等下她没尽职你去尽责
Wait, she didn't do her job, and you took the heat?
她是个单亲妈妈得照看她的宝宝老爸
She's a single mom. She had to watch her baby, dad.
我能怎么办
What was I supposed to do?
我告诉你该怎么办
I'll tell you what you're supposed to do.
别这么二
Don't be a schmuck.
我不是二老爸我只是替她着想
I'm not a schmuck, dad. I was looking out for her.
你怎么不替自己想
Why don't you look out for yourself?
要是我给你个外号♥
Perhaps you'll understand it better
也许你就开窍了
if I give it a funny name--
乃·系·二教主
Hugh R. Aschmuck.
对了邦妮
Uh-oh, Bonnie,
我搅不动这个菜
I'm having trouble tossing this salad.
要不你去油漆间
Hey, I know, how 'bout you go down to the paint store
找两个人来
and get two guys to come over here
帮我搅一搅
and toss my salad?
文斯你有槽就快吐
Vincent, are you trying to say something?
当然我不饿
Yeah. I'm not hungry.
我♥操♥这心干啥
Why do I even bother?
爸我好不容易找到份专职工作
Dad, I finally have a full-time job.
你为什么要对我冷嘲热讽
Why are you on me like this?
我只是觉得你都27了
All I know is that you're not a 27-year-old
离外科主任还遥遥无期
on track to be chief of surgery.
也就是说你想让我当医生
So now you want me to be a doctor.
你爱当啥当啥
You can be whatever you want to be.
就是别当二教主
Just don't be a schmuck.
可惜啊吾已是最高境界
Well, guess what... too late!
你这是怎么了
What do we have here?
我舌头很大
My tongue is big.
什么你的小♥弟♥弟♥很大
You're hung like a pig?
那我可无能为力了
Well, there's not much I can do about that.
小♥弟♥弟♥大遭罪的是你老婆
It's more an issue for your wife.
我的舌头肿胀
My tongue is swollen.
你龟儿子去打保龄了
Your son's gone bowling?
下午三点
Three in the afternoon.
问题不大
Hey, don't feel badly,
我儿子还是个二货呢
my son's also a schmuck.
话说回来我至少没有小♥弟♥弟♥的问题
But of course, I don't have that pig thing going on.
来看看你的...
Let's take a look at your char--
噢原来你的舌头肿胀啊
Oh, your tongue is swollen!
你咋不告诉我咧
Why didn't you say so?
医生给你开了青霉素
Well, the doctor gave you penicillin.
你对青霉素过敏
You're allergic to penicillin.
真是个低级的错误
That was a lazy mistake.
来看看你的医生是谁
Let's see, who was the doctor on call?
我的乖乖泰德·巴伦医生
Oh, my god, Dr. Ted Barron.
[老艾听成了他问哪有洋葱圈]
不知道也许餐厅会有洋葱圈
I don't know, maybe they have some onion rings in the cafeteria.
现在有请我们年逾九十的舞蹈家
And now our senior dancers, ages 90 and over,
与您共乘一曲亨德尔的《水上音乐》
wandering to Handel's water music.
抱歉请问这有人吗
Excuse me, is this seat open?
开什么玩笑
Are you kidding me?
你找个有人的座位看看
They're all open.
金
Hey! Kim.
很抱歉迪基让你来干这个
I am so sorry Dickey made you do this.
悲剧啊不过这其实挺有趣的
Ehh, it's actually kind of interesting.
那乖乖演过《创世纪》
That guy was in Genesis.
-乐队吗 -那本圣经
- The band? - The Bible.
你宝宝怎样了
So how's your baby?
好多了
Much better.
大概吃错猫食了吧
I think she just ate a bad batch of cat food.
我的天让你抓狂了吧
Oh, my god, that must have freaked you out.
你宝宝竟然误食了猫食
Your baby ate cat food?
还好吧她是只猫咪所以...
Not really. She's a cat, so...
你宝宝是只猫
Your baby's a cat?
当然了你以为宝宝是什么
Of course. What did you think baby was?
难住我了不是宝宝吗
I don't know, a baby.
这么说我被降职都因为你的猫咪吃错了东西
So I got demoted because your cat had food poisoning?
不你被降职是因为你是个好人
No, you got demoted because you are a good guy
为我挺身而出
who took a bullet for me.
这个说法我喜欢
I guess that's something.
没有人类宝宝
So no human baby?
没
No.
人类男友呢
Human boyfriend?
没有
No.
我问你一个问题
Let me ask you a question.
如果早知道她是猫咪的话
If you had known that she was a cat,
你还会为我挺身而出吗
would you still have taken the heat for me?
应该会吧
Yeah, probably.
我爸说得没错
I think my dad was right.
我果然是二教主
I'm a schmuck.
不你可不是
No, you are not.
不是吗
I'm not?
泰德能跟你谈谈吗
Ted, can I talk to you for a moment?
好啊老艾
Oh, hey, Ed.
你绝对不会相信
Hey, you're not gonna believe this.
我刚刚又给两个
I just patched up two more clowns
模仿那段视频的傻帽缝屁♥股♥
who copied that youtube video.
那狼獾这周虐过的屁♥股♥
That wolverine has gotten more ass this week
比我在医学院爽过的都多
than I got in all of med school.
听着我刚刚看见了一年轻人
Listen, uh, I just saw a young man who said
他说你给他开了青霉素
you gave him penicillin.
是啊没错有问题吗
Yeah. Yeah, that sounds right. What's the problem?
问题是他对青霉素过敏
Well, the problem is he's allergic to penicillin.
你应该仔细查看他的病历表
You should have seen it on his medical chart.
让我瞧瞧
Let me see that.
噢真的啊
Huh...oh, yeah.
瞧没问题了
There. All better.
喂等等等等
Hey, wait a minute. Wait a second.
你怎么能把病历表撕了
You can't just tear up a medical chart.
又不是你龟儿子的涂鸦
It's not a drawing your kid gives you.
这玩意还是有价值的
This means something.
老艾我27岁了我看过的病人
Ed, I am 27 years old, and I see more patients
比这层任何一名医生看过的都多
than any other doctor on this floor.
因此我引人注目
That gets me noticed.
不幸的是
Now, unfortunately,
有时候就会出一点纰漏嘛
sometimes things slip through the cracks.
走捷径神马的我一向很赞成
Well, hey, I'm all for cutting corners.
60年代以后我在人行横道前
I haven't come to a full stop at a crosswalk
就没煞过车了
since the 60's.
做医生可不能走捷径
But you can't cut corners here.
你得为你的病人们着想
You've got to look out for your patients.
我也得为我自己着想
Hey, I've also gotta look out for myself, Ed.
小子
Hey, hot shot...
要是被人发现你搞砸了怎么办
What are you gonna do when someone finds out you screwed up?
没想过但是如果真的发生了
I don't know. I guess if it comes down to it,
我就找个二货来顶罪
I'll just pin it on some schmuck.
这主意真绝
Oh, what a good idea.
文斯搞毛呢你这是搞毛呢
Vince, what the heck? What are you doing?
我要证明给你看
I wanted to prove to you
我能把这个梳妆台装起来
That I could put this dresser together.
它本来就是装起来的