疯狂老爸箴言录

$#*! My Dad Says S01E01

Part 3 May 3, 2020, 11:02 p.m.

Stop giving me reasons for being disappointed.
什么借口我又没做错什么
What reasons? I did everything right.
我大学成绩优秀
I did well in college.
随后在杂♥志♥社找了份好工作
I got a good job at a magazine.
结局不算好我确实被炒鱿鱼了
The thing went under, and yes, I got laid off.
还有助学贷款要还那又怎样
I got college loans to pay. So what?
我需要一丁点帮助
I need a little help.
爸你也看新闻大半个国家都不景气
Newsflash, dad. So does half the country.
听着儿子你要是能像个男人一样
You know, son, I'd have had a lot more respect for you
直抒来意
if you'd come right out
我就不会瞧不起你了
and told me what you needed like a man.
要是我真希望谁为了钱对我献媚
If I wanted somebody to be nice to me for money,
我早把里屋租给"眨眼牡蛎"餐馆了
I'd have rented out the back room at the Winking Oyster.
你还真是老样子啊
That is so typically you.
享受被人需要的感觉
You love to be needed, dad,
可一旦谁真的需要你
but when someone actually needs you,
你却瞧不起他们
you lose respect for them.
这又回到我最初的问题
Which brings me to my original question--
你到底要什么
What do you need?
我就想要个老爸让我走出他家门后
What do I need? I need a dad who would for once,
心情不会比我来的时候更糟
just once, let me walk out of his home
哪怕一次也好
without feeling worse than when I walked in.
-你太戏剧化了 -我戏剧化
- You're being dramatic. - Dramatic?
我都两年没见你了
I haven't seen you in two years.
你连个正经的床都不给我
You don't even give me a bed to sleep on!
只让我睡阁楼里的小床
You put me in the attic on a tiny cot
上面还有血迹是血迹对吧
That has a bloodstain-- that is a bloodstain, right?
我要听你亲口说出那是血迹
I need to hear you tell me it's a bloodstain.
那是血别告诉我
It is a bloods-- don't tell me.
我对你和别人一视同仁
I treat you no differently than anybody else.
这正是问题所在
Exactly!
可我不是别人我是儿子
I'm not anyone else! I'm your son.
你应该鼓励我而不是打♥压♥我
You're supposed to build me up, not tear me down.
-我不一直在鼓励你吗 -有吗
- I build you up. - Really?
那次我剪了个新发型
Did you build me up that time I got a haircut
你说我像个海军蕾丝边这也叫鼓励吗
and you told me I looked like a lesbian in the navy?
我这条命就是个海军蕾丝边救回来的
A lesbian in the navy saved my life!
还有一次我写了
Did you build me up when you told me
第一首也是唯一一首父亲节诗歌♥给你
that my one and only Father's Day poem to you
你却说那是对英语的玷污
was an affront to the English language?
-是啊 -我当时才八岁
- It was! - I was eight!
就算八岁也该知道"老爸"和"蝙蝠"不押韵
Even an eight-year-old knows you don't rhyme dad with bat!
这就是为什么
Okay, if you ever wonder why you don't have
你和你的孩子们关系如此生疏
a relationship with your kids, this is why.
我和文斯关系好得很
I have a perfectly fine relationship with vince.
今天他还邀请我去和他们一家同住
Just today, he asked me to come and live with him and his wife.
我敢打赌要是你真去了
I guarantee if you actually took him up on the offer,
-他们会抓狂的 -胡说
- they'd freak. - You're wrong.
他们会语无伦次
They wouldn't know what to say!
张口结舌不置可否
It would just be gibberish coming out of their mouths.
语无伦次的是你
You don't know what you're talking about.
听我一句劝吧
And let me give you a piece of advice--
要是你想靠舔我屁♥股♥要到钱
if you're gonna kiss my ass for money,
至少抹抹口红再来舔
at least put on a nice shade of lipstick.
你这话什么意思
I don't even know what that means!
你是不是想说
And is that really the only reason
我来就为了钱
you think I'm here-- for money?
难道不是吗
Am I wrong?
不爸爸你说的没错
No, dad. You're not wrong.
你是对的
You're right.
你永远都是对的
You're always right.
知道永远正确最后能换来什么吗
You know what your reward is for being right?
孤独终老
Being alone.
留意下你的黄瓜
And I'd keep an eye on your cucumbers.
我把浣熊放出来了
I let the raccoon out.
他在前廊 "熊"气哄哄
He's on the front porch and looks pissed,
我还是走后门吧
so I'm gonna go out the back door.
亨利说的那些话让我若有所思
You know, Henry said something that set me thinking.
我孤单一人
I'm all alone out here,
在老房♥子里闲晃
rattling around in this old house,
所以我考虑卖♥♥了这地方
so I thought maybe I'd sell the place,
听你们的搬来同住
take you up on your offer, and come live with you.
你们觉得如何
What do you say?
我可以住后屋的客房♥
I could take the guest room in the back of the house.
你们几乎感觉不到我的存在
You wouldn't even know I was there.
我会替你们
I would help with the mortgage payments
分担房♥贷以及日常开销
and my share of the household expenses.
但是
Although,
我离不开这房♥子
I can't leave this house.
这里有我的一切
My things are here and...
还有我的花♥园♥
The garden's here.
多谢你们邀请
So thanks for the offer,
但我还是决定不搬去与你们同住了
but I'm not gonna come and live with you.
你确定吗老艾我们有间客房♥正好空着
Oh, are you sure, Ed? 'cause we have that extra room.
机动车辆管理局
最上面是什么图案
Can you tell me what the topmost image is?
两只松鼠在嘿♥咻♥
Two squirrels fornicating.
有啥好问的不就是个巨大的"E"吗
What the hell does it look like? It's a gigantic "E."
拿下一行呢
And the line below that?
干吗要我在这儿识别一堆字母
Why do I have to keep identifying letters?
我驾龄都有60年了
I've been driving for 60 years,
从没和个大"E"追尾过
and I've never been rear-ended by a gigantic "E"!
看来你没开车去过芝麻街[动画片]
Clearly, you've never driven down Sesame Street.
看到了没
Would you look at that?
你刚好差一分及格
You failed by one teeny, tiny point.
真遗憾
That is such a shame.
在未来的五年里我们是见不到
Guess we won't be seeing your pleasant face
您这张"和蔼"的脸庞了
for another five years.
什么意思我没通过
What do you mean, I failed?
是的你可以试试开那种女生开的摩托车
Yeah. Maybe you can get one of those motorized scooters
我那肥得跟猪似的阿姨就开那个
that my morbidly obese aunt uses.
下一位
Next!
你不能这样我必须拿到驾照
You can't fail me. I've got to be able to drive.
不不不我可以让你不通过
No, no, no. I can.
这是我的工作
It's kinda my job.
我想你身边一定满是"爱"你的人
But I'm sure you're surrounded by people that love you
他们绝对"乐意"载你去任何地方
and are dying to drive you wherever you wanna go,
毕竟你是个这么"讨人喜欢"的人
given that you are such a delight.
-下一位 -我身边没有那样的人
- Next. - I don't have any people.
拜托
Oh, come on.
真的一个都没
No, I have no one.
孩子我真是太逊了
Boy, I've really screwed up.
这不过是场驾照考试
Look, it's just a driving test.
我没在说驾照考试
I'm not talking about the driving test.
抱歉我对你太凶了你没做错什么
I'm sorry I was rude to you. You didn't deserve it.
你只是职责所在
You were just doing your job.
你看上去像是个好同志
You seem like a perfectly nice homosexual.
我当然希望我是个好同志
I'd like to think that I am.
你继续干活吧我走了
I'll let you get on with your job.
等等
Wait.
你们家就没有人
Don't you have any family
能给你当司机的吗
that can drive you where you need to go?
-没有孩子吗 -有但是
- Any kids? - Yeah, but I've...
关系没搞好
Screwed that up too.
我还是走吧
I'll let you carry on.
再等下
Wait!
不敢相信我要这么做
I can't believe I'm doing this.
快看这个题
Oops. There.
71分你过了
71. You passed!
谢谢你
Thank you.
我爸爸也曾让我失望过
You know, my dad screwed up with me.