疯狂老爸箴言录

$#*! My Dad Says S01E10

Part 1 May 3, 2020, 11:04 p.m.

-嗨老爸 -卧倒
- Hey, dad... - Get down!
你这又是穷折腾啥
What the hell are you doing?
人家会觉得你是偷♥窥♥狂啦
People are gonna think you're a peeping Tom.
偷♥窥♥狂偷♥窥♥的是大姑娘穿衣服
A Peeping Tom spy on young women getting dressed.
爷偷♥窥♥的是个六十五岁的退役老海军
I'm spying on a 65 year ex-marine.
他在吃蛋清卷儿
Who is eating an egg white omelet.
-为啥不吃黄 -估计是胆固醇忒高了
- Why? - High cholesterol, I presume.
他三年犯了四回心脏病
He had four heart attacks in 3 years.
海岸排查完毕你可以站起来了
Coast is clean. You can get up.
昨儿凌晨四点外面怎么回事
What was going on in the yard 4 am last night?
跟头母牛下崽儿似的
Sound like a cow was giving birth.
那是我
That was me.
我举着邻居的棚子
I jacked up the neighbor's shed
往南推了十二英寸
and shimmied it over 12 inches to the south.
我知道我肯定会后悔这么问
I'm know I'm going to regret asking you this.
你干嘛那么干
Why would you do that?
因为那抢地盘的盖棚子的时候
'Cause that land-grabber built his shed
占了咱家足足六英寸的地方
six inches over my property line.
所以我每个月都过去
So once a month, I go over there
把那东西向他家移♥动♥一英尺
and I move it a foot the other way,
而第二天夜里
and then the next night,
那个没皮没脸的杂种又给我挪了回来
That nasty bastard moves it back.
那么敢问野狼同志
So, tell me, coyote,
野狼和走鹃是北美两种天性热衷抢地盘的动物
你跟走鹃那货抢地盘儿抢了多久了
how long have you and the roadrunner been at this?
我想想啊今天是周四对吧
Let's see. What's today, Thursday?
粗略估计二十五年了吧
Roughly 25 years.
他来了
Oh, there he is.
最好玩儿的来了
Oh, this is the best part.
他发现的时候就这反映
This is when he discovers it.
"瞧瞧啊
"Oh, look!
有人挪我的棚子了"
Somebody moved my shed!"
"我是坎贝尔先生
"I'm Mr. Campbell.
看见我棚子被挪就面瘫的坎贝尔先生"
I make dumb faces when someone moves my shed!"
即使是你干出这种事也太疯狂了
This is insane, even for you.
我就不明白你干嘛不随他去
I don't know why don't you just let him
不就占你点儿地方吗
keep his shed a little bit on your property.
因为那是爷的地儿
Because it's on my property.
爷买♥♥的
I earned it.
你们这辈人最大的毛病就是
The trouble with your generation is
啥都不用争取
you never had to fight for anything.
我们这辈把该争的都争来了
My generation fought so guys like you
让你们这帮龟儿子游手好闲
can sit around on your ass all day,
成天闲的冒泡坐享其成
living in the lap of luxury for free.
我享受个毛啊
Are you kidding me?
我住的那破阁楼都赶上盘丝洞了
I live in a spider-infested attic,
晚上九点以后就断电
I can't use electricity after 9:00 P.M.,
而且谁说我游手好闲了
and I don't sit around all day.
我天天撞破脑袋去找工作
I'm busting my ass trying to find a job,
而且大清早四点就被你吵起来更难上加难
which is very hard to do when I being woken up at 4:00 A.M.
就因为您老非得没完没了地在院子里折腾
Because you're out in the yard playing the world's longest game
搞"抢地盘大作战"
of "Gotcha last."
不就挪个棚子么哪儿那么容易被吵醒
You can sleep through the noise of me moving a shed.
打仗那会儿你爹我睡在谢利身边四年都没事
During the war, I slept through four years of Shelling.
你上哪儿听枪声去
How did you hear shelling?
你不过是船上的医生而已
You were a medic on a boat.
"下士哈利·谢利"[这个人的姓有枪声的意思]
Corporal Harry Shelling.
我们住一个舱里
We shared a cabin.
那杂种打呼噜跟鼓风机似的
The bastard snored like a leaf blower.
丫的鼻腔畸形
Damn deviated septum.
整宿整宿的呼噜呼噜打得山响
Every night, in and out. In and out.
"用鼻子喘气吧呼噜哥
"Breathe through your nose, Shelling!
用鼻子喘气吧"
Breathe through your nose!"
不管怎样听好
Anyway, look,
我只是想说我觉得你该去找他谈谈
I'm just saying, I think you should go talk to him.
我是说他很固执
I mean, he's stubborn,
服过役脑抽
he was in the military, he's crazy.
你觉得你俩肯定聊得来
I think you guys could be friends.
疯狂老爸箴言录
第一季第十集
你为啥老得找人干架呀
Why do you always have to be at war with someone?
坎贝尔先生
Mr. Campbell,
送报纸的送牛奶的
The paperboy, the mailman.
我没跟送报纸的干架
I'm not at war with the mailman.
那事儿早结了爷大败敌军
That war is over. I defeated him.
对战果就是
Yes, and now we have to
咱现在得自己跑去邮局拿报纸
walk to the post office to get our mail.
昂首阔步取报纸
With our heads held high.
猜猜我们带啥好吃的了
Guess what we brought for lunch?
玉米粉蒸肉哦
Tamales!
也就是西班牙语的
Which is spanish for...
玉米粉蒸肉哦
Uh, tamales.
我们报班学了西班牙语
We took a spanish class at the learning annex.
非常好文斯酱
Uh, muy bien, Vicente.
你好吗
Como esta usted?
玉米粉蒸肉哇
Tamales!
那个班学费就九块钱
Well, the class was only nine bucks,
还附赠一顶墨西哥宽边帽所以...
and it came with a free sombrero, so...
好了说正事我们刚在
Okay, get this, we just saw a great dog
在农夫市场的宠物收♥容♥所♥看见只超萌的狗狗
at the rescue down at the farmers' market,
我们决定要收养它哦
which we're gonna adopt!
等下你们开口前
Now, hold on, before you say anything,
我知道你们在想啥
I know what you guys are thinking,
但相信我这绝不是用来填补没孩子的空虚
but trust me, this is not a baby substitute.
我真没这么想
I wasn't thinking that.
你们说什么我都没听见
I wasn't even listening.
你干嘛瞎猜人家怎么想啊
Why would you assume that's what they were thinking?
我也不知道
I don't know.
他们知道咱俩不孕
They know that we're having trouble conceiving.
你俩不孕吗
You guys are having trouble conceiving?
估计是我的错
Probably my fault.
没教给他怎么办事儿
I never gave him that sex talk.
他知道"东西"该往哪放
He knows what goes where,
也知道不该往哪放
and what doesn't.
没事的这不是谁的错
It's fine. It's nobody's fault.
我俩挺好大家都好
We're fine. Everyone's fine.
只不过有的人就是需要多点时间
It's just some people take a little longer,
才能怀孕只不过...
you know, to conceive. It's just...
而且我们已经检查过了
Besides, we took some tests,
好消息是问题不在我的卵子上[直译为鸡蛋]
and the good news is there is nothing wrong with my eggs.
鸡蛋[西语]
Oh. Huevos.
非常好文斯酱
Oh. Muy bien, Vicente.
所以我们想养狗而养狗
So we're getting a dog 'cause we want a dog,
没有别的原因
and that's all there is to it.
那你们找我来干啥
So what do you want from me?
是这样爸我们是想
Well, pop, we're just wondering
看你还留着老施华蔻的东西没
if you still have any of schwarzkopf's old dog stuff
因为宠物收♥容♥所♥那女的
because the woman who runs the animal rescue,
要过来检查环境
she's gonna come over and inspect our place.
我们想要向她证明
And we want to prove to her
我们是超级无敌好爹妈
that we can be incredible parents.
-是"主人" -我刚就这么说的
- You mean "Owners." - That's what I said.
我这儿还留着施华蔻的狗链
Yeah, I got schwarzkopf's old leash
还有这个狗饭盆
and his dog bowl over here.
其它的都在楼上
The rest of the stuff's upstairs.
一想起那小家伙我这眼睛就酸酸的
Brings a tear to my eye when I think of that little guy.
你知道吗施华蔻可是个小天使
You know, schwarzkopf was a great animal.
是个小恶魔
He was a horrible animal.
那货差点没把克林特太太的狗弄死
He tried to kill Mrs. Cleator's dog.
他那是在守卫他的骨头啊
'Cause he was defending his bone,
她家狗跟他抢
her dog was trying to get it from him.
人家跟你抢东西你就该这么着