疯狂老爸箴言录

$#*! My Dad Says S01E06

Part 1 May 3, 2020, 11:03 p.m.

准备好了吗开始
Ready for it? Here it comes.
是坑爹呢吗倒数 3 2 1
This is ridiculous, in three, two, one.
-是坑爹呢吗 -原因
- This is ridiculous. - And why?
一杯咖啡居然要4块
$4 for a cup of coffee.
上次花4块钱的事儿
And the last time you paid $4?
我上一次为了这么憋屈的东西
Last time I paid $4...
花4块钱
for something this bitter,
是在和一个东德妓♥女♥讨价还价
I was bargaining down an East German hooker.
詹妮弗·安妮斯顿《老友记》主演
可怜的詹妮弗·安妮斯顿
Poor Jennifer Aniston.
她每周四都得和她那
She has to have coffee every Thursday
吹毛求疵的岳父还有那个
with her angry father-in-law
以为能用咳嗽声
and her brother-in-law, who coughs because
掩盖住自己屁声的小叔子一起喝咖啡
he thinks it's covering up the sound of him farting.
哎呀等等那不是詹妮弗·安妮斯顿
Oh, wait, that's not Jennifer Aniston.
那是我
That's me.
詹妮弗·安妮斯顿正在圣巴特斯岛
Jennifer Aniston is canoodling
和一个超帅的陌生人亲热呢
with a handsome stranger in St. Barts.
我不知道谁是詹妮弗·安妮斯顿
I don't know who this Jennifer Aniston is,
但她听上去好讨厌
but she sounds annoying.
哎呀等等那也你嘛
Oh, wait, that's you too.
我真的超爱她
I really do love her.
她的生活五彩缤纷
She gets to have this exciting life.
她四处旅行还有一群超赞的朋友
She travels, she has all these glamorous friends.
别抱怨了你的生活不也多姿多彩嘛
Oh, stop complaining, your life is plenty glamorous.
希望这杯茶能让我的胃安分点
Mm, sure hope this tea settles my stomach.
那感觉就像是三明治里的三种肉
It's like the three meats from my sandwich
正在我胃里进行铁笼赛
are having a cage match in there.
爽点了
That's better.
亨利看看那块牌子
Henry, take a look at that sign.
读一下上面的字太远了我看不见
Read it for me, I can't see it from here.
上面说"招聘员工"
It says "Help wanted."
招聘员工知道那是啥意思不
Help wanted! What do ya know about that!
意思好像是他们愿意付钱请人去打下手
It's as if they were willing to pay for somebody to help.
听着是份工作啊
Sounds like a job to me.
老爸我已经尽全力在找工作了
Dad, I am doing everything I can to get a job.
其实我要去《米申山谷周刊》面试
In fact, I have a meeting with Mission Valley Weekly.
我要给他们投稿
I'm going to pitch them some articles.
有稿费吗
Do they pay for the pitch?
-没但是... -那不算工作
- No, but-- - Not a job.
倒咖啡那叫工作
Slinging coffee, that's a job.
卖♥♥贵得要死的公♥寓♥ 那叫工作
Selling overpriced condos, that's a job.
用价值4块钱的德国之爱温暖孤独的水手
Giving $4 worth of German love to lonely sailors,
那叫工作
That's a job.
你没工作
You don't have a job.
我保证今天之内就会找到一份
I bet you I have one by the end of the day.
-如果没找到呢 -那我就倒咖啡去
- And if you don't? - Then I'll sling coffee.
或者去用爱温暖水手
Or give love to sailors.
疯狂老爸箴言录
第一季第六集
基本上狗狗公园就是新一代单身酒吧
So basically, dog parks are the new singles bars.
你知道我喜欢哪一点吗
Ooh. You know what I like about that?
都不喜欢
Nothing.
说实在的我不喜欢它是有原因的
But in all fairness, there's a reason I don't like it.
全是扯淡
It sucks.
还有别的想法么
What else you got?
好吧
Okay...
圣地亚哥冲浪者之间的地盘战
Um, turf wars between San Diego surfers.
我叫它"浪战"
I call it surf wars.
好吧依然全是扯淡
Well, now you're on to nothing.
下一个
Next.
好吧由于最近医疗方面发生的变故
Okay, so with everything going on with health care these days--
人们都在偷偷潜进墨西哥
people are actually sneaking into Mexico--
抱歉你觉得很无聊吗
I'm sorry, is this not interesting to you?
不啊相当棒继续说
No, it's great. Keep going.
总之呢
Well, anyway...
人们都在潜回墨西哥
people are sneaking back into Mexico
说来讽刺因为这个国家的医疗费用
because, ironically, the price of health care in this country
过...
is--and--
过高他们的...
prohibitively their-- -
医疗保健...
H.M.--
他们的医疗保健机构...
their H.M.O. is--
拜托别说了我死了
Please stop talking. I'm dead.
谁打来的警♥察♥都看不下去了么
Who's that? The boredom police?
不是是我爸没什么抱歉
No, it's my dad. It's nothing, I'm sorry.
我以为静音了
I thought it was on silent.
话说回来关于iPad
Um, anyway, all right, I have this other idea
我有个想法就是他们怎么...
about iPads and how they--
迪奇打扰一下
Dickey, sorry to interrupt.
有人打电♥话♥来说有急事
There's a guy on the phone, says it's an emergency.
拜托千万别是我爸
Oh, please don't be my dad.
他叫艾德·古德森
His name is Ed Goodson.
他说他儿子在这儿
He says his son is here.
-不要转接进来 -转接进来
- Do not put him through. - Put him through.
谢谢你
Thank you.
喂二呆
Hey schmuck-face,
你是为了一条内♥裤♥就用了次洗衣机吗
Did you run a load of laundry for one pair of underwear?
是啊
Yeah.
老爸我面试呢
Dad, kind of in a meeting.
你以为自己是谁啊英国女王吗
Who do you think you are? The queen of England?
你不能就为了一条内♥裤♥
You don't run an entire load of laundry
就用次洗衣机
for one pair of underwear.
而且上面为啥印着"庞然大物之家"
And why does it say "Home of the whopper?"
你的尿布可是我换的这是虚假广♥告♥
I changed your diaper. That's false advertising.
老爸拜托
Dad, please.
所以我决定把洗衣机里的水
So I've taken the liberty of siphoning off
都抽出来了
all of the water from the washing machine.
这些水就是你这一周里的
That water is now your water supply
可用水资源
for the rest of the week.
你想用它泡澡吃东西干啥都行
You can use it to bathe in, eat, anything you wish.
祝你面试顺利
Good luck in your meeting.
我做了很美味的炖菜和蒸粗麦粉
And I have made a delicious ratatouille and couscous.
5点开饭
Dinner's at 5:00.
-那是你♥爸♥ -是
- So that's your dad? - Yeah.
第一不许学我
Okay, first of all, don't do my thing.
第二你和他一起住吗
And second, you live with him?
是啊目前是
Yeah, for now.
我失业了经济又不景气
I lost my job, and the economy sucks.
好多人都回家住了
A lot of people are moving back home.
说的没错我们可以做个当下趋势报道
You're right. We could do a trend piece.
我很喜欢就写这个
I like that. Write that.
写啥
Write what?
20多岁的男人搬回家和爸爸一起住
Guy in his 20s moves back in with his dad.
很有时效性再说了他实在太搞笑了
It's current. And besides, he's really funny.
他的幽默不是"大家好才是真的好"那种
He's really not "Ha ha" funny.
他的幽默是建立在别人的痛苦之上的
He's more "Ow, you really hurt my feelings" funny.
就写这个出去吧
Go, write it. Get out of here.
你有空的话出去吧
And when you get a chance, get out of here.
你确定吗因为我...
All right, are you sure? Because I--
两千字 50美分一个字
2,000 words, 50 cents a word.
明早等着看稿子吧
Gonna be on your desk in the morning.
文斯我们来这儿干嘛
Vince, what are we doing here?
不知道
I don't know.
你说你的生活不够光鲜吗
You were saying your life isn't very glamorous,
所以我想我们可以来这种
So I thought we'd go and get drinks
詹妮弗可能会去的高级场所喝几杯
at a place Jennifer Aniston might go to
正好我又在你某个旧钱包里找到了38块
if she found $38 in one of her wife's old purses.
你真贴心
You're so sweet.
我其实不想抱怨的只是
And I don't mean to complain, it's just
有时候我希望我们能活得激♥情♥点
sometimes I wish our life was more exciting.
交到几个有意思的朋友
You know, our friends more interesting.
比如我们的交友圈里多几个