疯狂老爸箴言录

$#*! My Dad Says S01E16

Part 2 May 3, 2020, 11:05 p.m.

我告诉你我无法生育
and I-I told you I was having trouble conceiving,
你居然叫我巴伦·范·吉娜
and--and you called me "Baron Von Gina."
巴伦·范·吉娜：发音和不育的阴♥道♥近似
好吧
All right.
那些日子一去不复返了
Well, those days are behind me.
上次我们见面之后
And I've really changed since the last time
我改变了很多
we've seen each other.
我也不知道为啥
I don't know what it is.
也许因为我现在是双鱼座
Maybe it's because I'm a Pisces now.
我现在好相处多了
But I am a much nicer person.
好恶心
Ew, gross.
恶狗一只
A dog.
凯蒂你怎么找到这儿来的
Katie, how did you find us,
还有你到底来干嘛的
and why are you here?
我告诉你我为什么来
Well, this is why I'm here.
我三十岁那年还单身的时候
When I was 30 and single,
我决定储存我的卵子
I decided to have my eggs harvested.
我想也许将来有一天
I figured maybe one day
我会想要生小孩
I'd want to have kids.
但有一天一个声音跟我说
But the other day, a little voice told me,
凯蒂你在搞什么你讨厌小孩
"Katie, what are you doing? You hate kids."
那是我管家发出的声音
And that little voice belonged to my housekeeper.
那个爱管闲事的贱♥人♥
The nosey bitch.
我要让她被遣送回国
I'm having her deported.
你说的这些和我们有什么关系
Where are we going with all this?
我当时存卵子的时候也花了不少钱
Well, I was paying a fortune to store them,
我就想说
so I thought to myself,
我要么就扔掉
I could either throw the eggs away,
要么送给巴伦·范·吉娜
or I could give them to Baron von gina
和他的丈夫 "卑鄙的我"[动画片主角]
and her husband, Despicable Me.
不用谢
You're welcome.
等下
Okay, wait.
这里面装着你的卵子吗
Those are your eggs?
我不会接受一个装满你卵子的冷藏箱
We're not taking a cooler full of your eggs.
冷藏箱我才不给你呢邦妮
I'm not giving you the cooler, Bonnie.
在烤肉季之前要换给我的
I want it back before barbecue season.
你脑子坏掉啦
This is insane.
你凭什么认为
Why would you possibly think
我们会要你的卵子
we would want your eggs?
这还要问吗
Are you kidding me?
我可是高考成绩优异
I'm a six-foot, double-jointed Viking
一米八双关节的北欧人
who got a perfect score on her SATs.
你就想成是从普通客舱到头等舱的升级
Just think of it as an upgrade from coach to first.
再说一次不客气
Again, you're welcome.
老艾你好啊
Oh, hi, Ed.
你好
Hi.
想过来围观最蠢的傻蛋吗
Wanna come over and watch The Biggest Loser?
The Biggest Loser：《减肥达人》电视节目剧名直译是最蠢的傻蛋的意思
我不看那个节目的
Oh, I-I don't watch that show.
什么节目
What show?
我儿子想把手♥机♥从垃圾处理器里
My kids are trying to fish this cell phone
钓出来
out of the garbage disposal.
又掉进去了
Again?
永远不长记性
Never gets old.
我去不了我家有客人
I-I can't come over. I have company.
客人
You have company?
别搞得这么惊讶
Well, don't sound so surprised.
我又不是整天呆在家里
It's not like I sit home all day
做做剪报烤烤派
scrapbooking and making pies.
什么东西这么香
What smells so good?
派
Pie.
是做给我的吗
Is it for me?
不是是做给我参加的剪报小组的
No, actually, it's for my scrapbooking group.
罗罗发生什么事了吗
Rosie, uh, is everything okay?
你♥他♥妈♥是谁啊
Who the hell are you?
-他是 -唐·雷杰
- Oh, um, ed, this-- - Don Reger.
你们怎么认识的
How do you know each other?
我可是百万富翁你问什么来着
I'm a millionaire. What was the question?
老艾你知道我在动物园做志愿者
Ed, you know I volunteer at the zoo.
唐帮助动物园从中国
And, uh, Don just helped the zoo get
新引进了一头熊猫
their new panda from China.
没什么大不了的
Oh, it was no big deal.
我有好几百万美元嘛
I have millions of dollars,
熊猫又是濒临动物
and the panda is endangered,
你也知道中国人就喜欢像我这样的
and, you know, the Chinese like guys like me.
我才不感冒
I'm not impressed.
你要是喜欢酣睡一月才干一次的熊猫
Pandas sleep all day and have sex once a month.
我可以把前妻赐给你
I coulda given you my ex-wife
你就不用跑这大老远的了
and saved you a trip to China.
唐今晚要带我去动物园
Well, uh, Don is taking me to a fundraising event
参加一项庆祝新熊猫的募捐活动
at the zoo tonight to celebrate the new panda.
据说某个百万富翁
Yeah, some guy with a million dollars
动用了些关系
pulled some strings,
好让罗斯玛丽能为孩子们作讲解
and Rosemary gets to read to the kids.
你知道那家伙就是我对吧
You get that guy's me, right?
当然我识破了你低调的伪装
Yeah, I broke that code.
我会在一边向孩子们讲解
I-I'm gonna read to the kids,
唐会打扮成一只熊猫
and Don's gonna dress up like a panda.
他很爱逗孩子们玩
He loves entertaining children.
我叔叔总是精心打扮
My uncle dressed up all the time
找孩子们"寻乐子"
and entertained kids.
他现在不得靠近学校要保持25英尺的距离
Now he's not allowed within 25 feet of a school.
唐能让我俩聊两句吗
Don, could you just give us a minute?
当然宝贝儿
Sure, doll.
我会用这名贵的手表
I'll time it with the sweep hand
帮你们计着时
of my expensive watch.
这样你就知道它货真价实了
That's, uh, that's how you know it's real.
那傻帽就是你男友吗
That dope is your boyfriend?
他不傻
He's not a dope.
跟你约会之前我和他约会过几次
We went on a few dates before I went out with you,
然后他就去中国了这不刚刚回来嘛
and then he went to China, and he just came back.
他又约了我别愤愤不平
And he asked me out. Don't be mad.
我昨天问你是不是想专一的交往
I asked you yesterday if you wanted to be exclusive,
你说不
And you said no.
我不生气
I'm not mad.
我为你高兴
I'm happy for you.
我由衷为你能钓到帅气的金龟婿而高兴
Glad you found a handsome millionaire
更何况他还一身
who looks like he's wearing
蒂华纳窑子风格的打扮
the drapes from a Tijuana bordello.
艾德你怎么对
Ed, why do you know so much
蒂华纳窑子这么了解呢
about the inside of a Tijuana bordello?
我就是了解
Because I do.
我得走了
I gotta go.
明天给你电♥话♥
I'll call you tomorrow.
省省吧
Don't bother.
我跟咱家的小西红柿有个约会
I got a date with a little tomato of my own.
老艾是可以吃的"西红柿"吗
Ed, is it an actual tomato?
风流韵事人人有你少管闲事
We're not exclusive. None of your business.
哪种怪胎
What kind of weirdo
会登门送"蛋"啊[卵子]
comes to your house and gives you eggs?
复活节的兔子
The Easter Bunny.
不不搞错了
Oh, no, no, no. Oh, wait, wait.
兔子们可不会把蛋送上门来
He doesn't give 'em to you.
得你自己去找
You have to find them.
真是奇耻大辱
You know, it's almost insulting
她竟以为咱们会
that she thinks we would even consider
考虑用她的卵子生宝宝
using her eggs for our baby.
是吗
Is it?
我们一直在寻找捐献的卵子
I mean, we looked into donor eggs.
但是那很贵啊
They cost a fortune.
我知道可这是凯蒂
Yeah, I know, but this is Katie.