疯狂老爸箴言录

$#*! My Dad Says S01E09

Part 3 May 3, 2020, 11:04 p.m.

"一个愿打一个..."
"One man's scam is another--"
听好了你们要有困难来找我
Listen, if you want help, hell, I'll help you.
不收一分钱
For free!
那请吧艾德看你有什么本事
Then please, Ed. Go righthead.
真的那我就上了
Really? I will.
就你了先生你来这是想
Uh, you, sir. You look like you're here
减掉100磅膘的吧
because you wanna lose 100 pounds.
你不能光靠"梦想"就能瘦下来
You can't wish that away.
你得合理饮食买♥♥辆踏车锻炼身体
You have to eat sensibly, buy a treadmill, work out.
不然你要是想欣赏自己的蛋蛋
Otherwise, you won't be able to see your nuts
还得拿面镜子照着
without a hand mirror.
我只想摆脱我的湿疹
I just wanna get rid of my eczema.
没人想欣赏你的湿疹
Nobody's looking at your eczema.
-你呢 -我想当一名模特
- What about you? - I want to be a model.
做梦吧你
No.
艾德把话筒给我
Ed, give me the microphone.
听好了盯着我的眼睛
Now, look at me. Meet my gaze.
老艾把"gaze注视"理解成了"gays同志"
谁啊...那两个家伙吗
Who...those two guys?
不是我要你看着我
No. I want you to look at me!
-你想干嘛 -我有个梦想送给你
- What do you want? - I have a wish for you.
听着这种心理游戏也许对这些呆瓜奏效
Hey, listen, this mind game may work on these lemmings here,
但你梦想那套玩意
but the wishing business...
忽悠不了我
will not work on me.
-你不相信吗 -不信
- You don't think so? - No, I don't.
我可没梦想到会这样
I didn't wish for that.
这还用说我想到了
I know. I did.
现在你相信梦想的力量了吗
Now do you believe in the power of the wish?
得了吧我靠得是古风[须后水]
No, I believe in the power of old spice
和一件潇洒得体的钓鱼背心
and a clean fishing vest.
这里没别人你就说实话吧
Listen, there's nobody here. You can tell me the truth.
今天不是我的第一次
This was not my first time.
你想问啥
What's your question?
你这样忽悠别人
My question is don't you feel guilty
不觉得愧疚吗
ripping these people off?
忽悠你妹啊我让他们心满意足
But I'm not. I make people feel happy.
但我儿子和儿媳因为你把工作都辞了
But my son and his wife quit their jobs because of you.
不信你问问他们会觉得自己多么开心
I bet if you ask them, they'd say they're happy.
我太他妈伤心了
I'm so unhappy!
我们的事业完了该咋办啊
Our careers are over. What are we gonna do?
淡定点邦妮
All right. Bonnie...
我们俩中有个人得挺住
One of us has to be the strong one here.
是谁呢
Well, who's it gonna be?
剪刀石头布
Once, twice, three, shoot.
再来剪刀石头布
Again. Once, twice, three, shoot.
-别出石头了 -好
- Stop doing rock. - Okay.
剪刀石头布
Once, twice, three, shoot.
-我了个去 -叫你别出石头
- Aw, damn it. - That's what you get
耳朵长哪去了
for not listening.
好吧会好起来的
All right. We're gonna be okay.
你觉得会吗
You think so?
一定会的
I know so.
要是我们搞砸了呢
But what if we don't make it?
不知道
I don't know!
淡定
All right...
看我看我看着我
Look at me, look at me, look at me.
你不想放弃对吧
You still wanna do this, right?
那还用说当然宝贝
Absolutely. Absolutely, honey.
但做生意要钱啊
But it takes money to run a business.
我们...确实还有一份可以变卖♥♥的财产
Well...we do have one asset we could sell.
哥的肉体
My body.
胡说宝贝不是的
No. No, honey.
我说的是...房♥子
I'm talking about... the house.
宝贝你想把我们的公♥寓♥卖♥♥了吗
Honey, you wanna sell our condo?
那是...我们仅剩的财产了
That--that's all we have.
没错但卖♥♥了它我们就能换来销♥售♥单
Yeah, but if we sell it then we'll have a listing,
只要有了销♥售♥单
and once we have a listing,
就能挂牌"邦文"地♥产♥
we'll have one Bonney and Vince realty sign
其他人就会蜂拥而至
out there for the world to see.
知道吗你说得没错
You know what? You're right.
只要挂了"文邦"地♥产♥牌子
And once there's one Vince and Bonnie realty sign
我们会变成地♥产♥连锁店的
out there... it'll lead to another.
不知不觉就会有许许多多
And before you know it, there'll be dozens
"邦文"地♥产♥挂牌
of Bonnie and Vince realty signs.
"文邦"地♥产♥ 这名号♥肯定吃香
Vince and Bonnie realty. Nice ring to it.
完全同意圣地亚哥"邦妮"公♥司♥
I agree. Bonnie and company of San Diego.
可亲爱的卖♥♥掉这房♥子还需要一段时间
But honey, it's gonna take a while to sell this place.
在这期间我们怎么挣银子呢
What are we gonna do for money in the meantime?
我们可以将房♥子出租
Well, we could rent this place.
出租市场很红火的
The rental market's great.
我打赌一周内就会有顾客上门
I bet we'll have someone within a week!
我的小邦邦你说的没错
You know what, Bon-Bon? You're right.
我们能行的
We can do this.
我们当然能行
We can totally do this.
-我觉得这事靠谱 -我也是
- I feel good about this. - Me too!
-等等那我们住哪 -不知道
- Wait. Where are we gonna live? - I don't know!
宝贝
Oh, baby.
我觉得你肯定不行
Well, I-I say you can't.
我可以向你保证无须你开口
And I'm telling you I have a surefire way
我就能说出你准确的年龄
to tell your exact age within one month.
我的第二十五感告诉我你不行
I've got 25 sense says you can't.
试试看大家伙
Okay, big spender.
加拿大*
*Canada
你在底下干啥呢
What are you doing down there?
你的年龄...有...
You're going...to be...
坚持一下
Hold on.
我的弟弟你做主
I will if you will.
我算着呢
I'm thinking.
我给你17次机会
I'll give you 17 guesses.
你明年9月就73岁了
You'll be 73 next september.
太神奇了
That's amazing.
你在下面摸摸就知道我多大了
You got all that by poking around down there?
当然不是
No!
我看过你的驾照了
I saw your driver's license earlier.
我很喜欢你的技术
I love your technique.
你应该写写这方面的书
That's what your book should be about.
你真刻薄
You're so cynical.
如果你觉得这都是笑话
If it's such a joke,
那为什么追你儿子到这里
why did you chase your son down here?
我不想我的儿子
Well, because I didn't want him
也陷在这里
getting sucked into all this.
他的生活好不容易走上正轨
He's finally got his life on track,
他在做正确的选择
and he's making good decisions.
好吧
Okay...
我准备好了
I'm ready.
我任由你处置性感海盗鞭笞我吧
I'm at your mercy, sexy pirate. Do what you will.
等下
Hold on.
等我把衣服脱下来带上眼罩
I'm taking off my clothes and putting on my eye patch.
人呢
Hello!
人呢
Hellooo!
日又来一次
Oh, crap. Not again.
就当你是对的
Let's say you're right.
假设说亨利的梦想是搬回来和我住
Let's say Henry's wish was to move back in with me
从而更好的了解我
to get to know me better.
那文斯为什么想丢掉工作呢
Why would Vince wish to lose his job?
也许那就不是他的梦想而是你的
Maybe it wasn't his wish. Maybe it was your wish.
我为什么想让他丢掉工作
Why the hell would I wish that?
我怎么知道
I don't know.
等着万能的宇宙告诉你吧
Guess you'll have to wait for the universe to tell you.
告诉你我的梦想
I'll tell you what my wish is.
我的梦想是