疯狂老爸箴言录

$#*! My Dad Says S01E10

Part 2 May 3, 2020, 11:04 p.m.

That's what you do when someone takes what's yours.
谈话解决什么的就是放屁
You don't talk it out.
他常胜狗狗的名号♥就这么来的
That's why he was victorious.
他跟汉尼拔·莱克特一样四处转悠
He was wheeled away like Hannibal Lecter.
汉尼拔·莱克特电影《沉默的羔羊》中的吃人连环杀手
昂首挺胸地转悠
With his muzzled head held high.
你俩说啥呢
What are you two talking about?
你不知道咱爸跟坎贝尔之间的
Oh. You don't know about the whole shed war
"搬棚子大战"吗
going on between dad and Mr. Campbell?
你说那个神经质退役的老怪胎
Oh, you mean that insane ex-military freak?
对就是那怪胎在跟坎贝尔先生作对
Yeah. He's fighting with Mr. Campbell.
我记得坎贝尔先生
I remember Mr. Campbell.
你知道吗我都不想提这事儿
You know, I-- I can't even talk about it.
他肯定这就提起
He's going to talk about it.
我那时候才十岁
I was ten years old,
我的足球穿过围栏滚到他家院子里
and my soccer ball went over our fence into his yard,
他就拿着那个永远不撒手的耙子
and he took that garden claw he's always holding,
就这么扎进我的球里
and he stuck it in the ball,
他拿起足球冲我发狂一般的大笑
and then he held it up and laughed
我和球一同泄了气
as it--and I--deflated.
二十五年过去了
It's been 25 years,
我到今天都没勇气看足球赛
and I still haven't been able to watch soccer.
我告诉你你错过了啥哈
I'll tell you what you missed:
就仨进球
Three goals.
打扰一下是坎贝尔先生吗
Excuse me, Mr. Campbell?
你想干嘛小热狗
What the hell do you want, hot dog?
我咋成热狗了
Why am I "Hot dog"?
因为你哥是汉堡包
'Cause your brother's "Hamburger."
我想跟你谈谈那棚子的事
I want to talk to you about the shed.
我知道你跟我爸一直抢地儿
I know you and my father have been fighting,
但我坚信
but I firmly believe that
任何问题都能依靠沟通解决
any problem can be resolved by talking it out.
你看我知道他挪了你的棚子
Look, I know he moved the shed,
他心里也过意不去想要握手言和
and he's very sorry and would like to make peace.
我管他要不要"烟盒"
What do I care if he wants to make pizza?
我说"言和"
I said "Peace."
这样啊跟这边耳朵说
Oh, oh. Talk into this ear.
我爹想跟你握手言和
My father would like to make peace.
咦这话可真不像他嘴里说出来的
Oh, well, that doesn't sound like him.
他说话都这味儿的
He sounds like this.
"快看我啊我是老艾
"Oh, look at me. I'm Ed.
我挪别人的小棚屁都不放一个"
I move people's sheds, and I'm dumb."
那个...
That's...
-您别说还真像 -对嘛
- Actually pretty close. - Yep.
不过您瞧棚子这事儿怎么才能有个完呢
Look, what can we do to bring this whole shed thing to an end?
这可不光是棚子的事儿
It's about more than the shed.
这些年来你父亲毁人不倦
Over the years, your father has done
令我情何以堪
unmentionable things to me.
他把我的小天使偷走了
He stole my angel away from me.
我爱她
I loved her.
不会吧
Oh, my god.
我把她安置在池边
I kept her over there by the pond
这样那些鸟就不会在她身上泄粪了
so the birds wouldn't poop on her.
雕像啊
Oh, a statue.
我以为你说你老婆呢
I thought you were talking about your wife.
就是我老婆
I was.
逗你玩儿
That was a joke.
这样要是我把雕像还给你
Look, if I get you that statue back,
你能跟我老爸起码谈谈吗
will you be willing to at least talk to my dad?
好吧好吧
Fine, fine.
我们进行了一番愉快的接洽
So we just had a very nice conversation,
然后他说他希望休战
and afterwards, he said he wanted a truce.
这是个陷阱
It's a trap.
那家伙花♥园♥里摆得净是假山盆景
The man has a rock garden.
咱不能相信那种脑残的人
You can't trust that kind of crazy.
爸相信我我跟他谈过了
Dad, trust me. I talked to him.
他只想要回雕像
All he wants is his statue back.
行啊那就别放池边放在鸟儿泄粪的地方
Fine, put it over there where the birds can poop on it.
就这么定了
So it's a deal?
还没完
Not quite.
他的绿篱机
His hedge trimmers?
要那个得拿别的东西交换
That's going to cost him.
喂鸟器要就拿去
Bird feeder? Fine.
我把那玩意挂天使雕像上了
I hung it over the angel statue.
好极了
Fantastic.
那咱们明早6点交货
So we'll do the exchange tomorrow at 6:00.
6点
6:00?
他早算好那是我的喂鱼时间
He knows perfectly well that's when I feed my koi.
6点过5分
6:05.
没空儿
Busy.
爸怎么6点有空过个五分钟就没空了呢
Dad, how can you be free at 6:00 and then busy at 6:05?
那是老爸我的钓鱼时间
That's when I do my koi fishing.
得得得这样算了
Look, here's the deal:
明早 6点半咱们在这碰头
Tomorrow, 6:30, you and I will both meet here.
成吗
Cool?
成
Cool.
坎贝尔先生
Mr. Campbell?
我随意
I'm easy.
好了爸爸你的除草器
Okay. Dad, here's your weed-whacker.
柏妮丝宝贝我想死你了
Bernice, I've missed you.
坎贝尔先生你的洒水壶
And, Mr. Campbell, here is your watering can,
在鸟儿的帮助下它带上了几分杰克逊·波洛克的神韵
which some bird has totally Jackson Pollocked.
杰克逊·波洛克美国抽象表现主义的代表人物
老家伙们咱们都搞定了
All right, guys, I think that's about everything.
坎贝尔认输确实需要勇气啊
Well, Campbell, it takes a big man to admit defeat.
我没输你才输了
I wasn't defeated. You were.
你说啥来着
What are you talking about?
亨利说你向我乞求休战
Henry says you were begging for a truce.
什么
What?
那热狗儿说你想休战
The hot dog told me you wanted the truce.
狗屁
What?
热狗儿你跟他说我想休战吗
Hot dog, you tell him I wanted a truce?
我只是...听着
Well, I just-- you know what?
我不叫"热狗儿"
My name isn't "Hot dog."
我就知道你不敢承认错误
I knew you weren't man enough to admit you were wrong!
你胡说什么啊
What are you talking about?
是你的棚子红杏出墙
Your shed is six inches over on my property!
是个毛
The hell it is!
我测量过了
I've got the survey!
你讨厌"吃凉"关我屁事
I don't care if you hate sorbet!
我讨厌你
I hate you!
你说什么...我没说... "吃"
What are you talk-- I didn't say anything--"Sorb--"?
用你健全的那只耳朵听好了
Listen with your good ear,
你个二缺锅盖头
ya tin-eared jarhead!
休战协议玩完了
The truce is over!
你的棚子明天就会进鱼池
And that shed is going in the koi pond tomorrow!
有空你还是挪挪你的番茄吧
You'll move it off of your tomatoes first.
可别说老子没提醒你
I'll tell you that right now!
你胆敢碰我的番茄一下
You put a step on my tomatoes,
老子就让你尝尝番茄的味道
You'll get a tomato in the face!
暂停暂停
Hold on! Hold on!
-你根本就不明白 -暂停
- You don't even understand-- - Hold on!
暂停一下
Hold on.
你胆敢碰老子的番茄
You better not come on my tomatoes.
爸
Dad!
-你胆敢... -你再说一句
- You come on my-- - Stop it.
-你要再说一句 -坎贝尔先生
- You just stop it. - Mr. Campbell!
-老子受够了... -都给我打住
- I've had enough-- - Stop it!
你们俩脑袋里养鱼了吗
What is with you two?
咱们都走到这一步了
We've come this far.
握个手就完事了
Now shake hands and end this.
来吧