疯狂老爸箴言录

$#*! My Dad Says S01E15

Part 2 May 3, 2020, 11:05 p.m.

five years ago.
我打算在房♥屋修缮完成派对
And I'm finally gonna ask her out
约她出去
at the house restoration party.
偷偷告诉你我要搞定她
Between you and me, I'm gonna nail her.
这么龌龊
That's terrible.
随便啦我们要怎么取消这减速带提案
Anyway, how do we undo this speed bump thing?
你是会长你可以选择否决
Well, you're the president. I guess you could just veto it,
不过那样做也太混♥蛋♥了
but that's kind of a real jerky thing to do.
是挺混♥蛋♥的我特此否决减速带提案
Yeah, it is. I hereby veto the speed bump.
有谁要我帮忙打扫吗
Hey, anybody need any sweeping done?
我现在可是有小扫帚咯
'Cause I just got a new push broom.
让我看看
Let me see.
额滴马里奥大叔啊
Holy super mario.
他鼻子以下嘴唇以上简直和
I know. Doesn't he look exactly like Tom Selleck
汤姆·塞立克浓密胡子大叔著名电视剧演员
汤姆·塞立克长得一模一样
from the nose down and the lip up?
你还是现在就投降吧
You want to just pay me now?
慢着
Hey, hey.
还没到一个星期呢
It hasn't been a week yet.
我的小宝贝会像雨后春笋般冒出来的
Trust me, this baby's gonna sprout over night,
到那时候
and when it does,
效果就会像《人与自然》快播视频里那样
it's gonna look like one of those time-lapse nature videos.
你那连胡须都算不上
Yours isn't even a moustache.
最多就是未来可能长成胡须的
It's a blueprint for where a moustache
规划蓝图罢了
might one day be built.
一个礼拜后我们走着瞧
We'll see in a week.
谁来当裁判
Who's gonna be the judge?
纺必适宝洁公♥司♥旗下去渍清洁产品
纺必适上哪去了
Where the hell is the Febreze?
我要把"沙发发"的上的"恶丁丁"弄掉
I got to get some Ting-ting off my couch-couch.
Judge 有裁判和批判的意思老艾理解为批评兄弟俩
老爹我们要你来当裁判
Dad, we need you to judge us.
好啊你们两个二缺玩意儿
Fine. You're both disappointments.
不好意思
Oh, I'm sorry, people,
让大家久等了
this took me so long.
我一开始找不到材料给你
I couldn't find the papers. Here you go.
大家伙都上哪去了
Where--where is everybody?
散会了
The meeting broke up.
什么时候的事
When?
-你出去多久了 -三十分钟
- How long have you been gone? - 30 minutes.
那就是二十九分半钟以前
29 1/2 minutes ago.
真有你的
Well, good for you.
你上任后第一次会议
Well, your first meeting.
你觉得丁丁和厄文怎么样
What did you think of Ting-ting and Irving?
挺配的一对儿啊
Quite a pair.
是啊估计隆胸也是他付的钱
Yes, I think he bought them for her.
想上楼吗
Want to go upstairs?
为什么要上楼楼上有什么
Why? What's upstairs?
有床
My bed.
中间凹下去的我来睡
I'll take the dent in the middle.
你睡高一点的地方
You can have the high ground.
真好笑啊
That's hilarious.
我是认真的
I'm serious.
让我们上楼享受下成人之乐吧
Let's go upstairs and have some adult fun.
-得了吧老艾 -有啥不好的
- Oh, Ed. - What's the problem?
你这么漂亮
You're pretty.
我们俩又来电
There's chemistry.
又是邻居
We're neighbors,
办完事回家走不了几步
so it's a very short walk of shame home.
老艾虽然事实如此
Well, that well may be, Ed,
但我不会和你上♥床♥的
but I am not gonna just jump in bed with you.
为什么不呢
Why not?
会很有趣的
It'll be fun.
我们还能角色扮演
We can role-play.
我们扮厄文和丁丁
We could be Irving and Ting-ting.
我可以让你当厄文
I'll let you be Irving.
我不是那种随便的女人
Look, I'm not that kind of woman.
你不是吧
Are you serious?
我也想要被追求
I need to be courted.
我结过三次婚了
Hey, listen, I've been married three times.
每次都搞到法♥院♥去
And each one of them took me to court.
court 有法♥院♥和求爱的意思
我受够法♥院♥了
I'm done courting.
我相信浪漫
Well, I still believe in romance.
我懂你说的了
I hear you talking.
你可以演丁丁
You can be Ting-ting.
老艾我不会为了几个小时的欢愉
Ed, I'm not gonna just go upstairs with someone I barely know
就和我几乎不了解的人上♥床♥的
just to have some fun for a couple of hours.
几个小时
Couple of hours?
你搞完还打算看场电影吗
You planning on watching a movie afterwards?
被你说的还真"诱人"啊
Gosh. You're really selling it.
人生苦短啊
Hey, life is short.
我们要及时行乐啊
You've got to grab the good times while you can.
罗斯玛丽
Rosemary.
老艾对我来说美好时光
Well, Ed, to me, the good times happen
只有在双方互相关心的时候才会出现
when you really care about somebody.
不然一切皆浮云
Otherwise, it's meaningless.
好吧那我们折中
All right, let's split the difference.
我们先爱爱事后再悔过怎么样
We'll have sex and regret it afterwards.
这就是体现我们俩差别的
You know, this is a perfect example
最好的证明
of the difference between you and I.
你就是那种为了尽早抵达目的地
You are the guy who wants to barrel down the street
肆无忌惮地在街上
at 60 miles an hour to get to your destination
开六十迈的人而我却是低速驾驶
as fast as you can, and I want to go slowly
享受旅途中过程的乐趣
and enjoy the journey along the way,
一直开着左转方向灯
leave my left turn signal on for miles,
让它亮着一路直到我女儿来指正我
and miles and miles, as my daughter constantly points out.
-我不会求你和我上♥床♥的 -那最好
- I'm not gonna beg. - Well, good.
我会贿赂你
I will bribe.
额滴神啊赶快把文件签了
For goodness' sake, just sign this paper
我们就能装减速带了
so we can get our speed bump.
减速带不会装的
The speed bump is not gonna happen.
-我们投票通过了呀 -我否决了
- We voted on it. - I vetoed.
为什么就是因为我不肯跟你上♥床♥
Why? Because I wouldn't sleep with you?
胡说
No.
我之前否决时没想到你会拒绝我
I did it beforehand when I still thought I had a chance.
瞧这说明我是个多么高尚的人啊
But it shows you what kind of an honorable man I am.
咱们上楼庆祝一番如何
Let's go upstairs and celebrate.
高尚个屁
You are not an honorable man.
你就是个小人
You're a selfish man!
你还是上楼躺在凹处
Why don't you just go upstairs, lie in your dent,
玩你自己的"丁丁"吧
and play with your Ting-ting.
你这是干啥
So what are you doing?
你的一堆灰不啦叽的内内...外外的衣服
A load of your beige, gray under-over-things.
问你一个问题
Let me ask you a question.
你是女人吧
You're a woman, right?
应该是吧
Well, if I'm not,
不然看妇科的钱可都算白瞎了
I'm wasting a lot of money at the gynecologist.
想问什么老艾
What do you want, Ed?
你觉着罗斯玛丽为啥让我追求她
Why do you think Rosemary wants me to court her?
老艾说实话我也不知道
Honestly, Ed, I have no idea.
她承认被我吸引
I mean, she acknowledged that she was attracted to me,
但当我提出的上楼邀请时她却拒绝了我
and when I offered to take her upstairs, she said no.
真是太纠结了
It's very confusing.
她想让你追求她
She wants you to court her.
她就是这么说滴
That's what she said.
一把年纪谁还搞追来追去这套啊
Who courts at my age?
-挺浪漫的嘛 -太傻帽了
- It's romantic. - It's stupid.
你不想要个浪漫的女人吗
Don't you want a woman who's romantic?
鬼才要
No.
那你觉得女人"体内"应该具备些什么呢
Well, what do you want in a woman?
-我啊 -恶
- Me. - Ugh.
说正经的老艾