疯狂老爸箴言录

$#*! My Dad Says S01E14

Part 2 May 3, 2020, 11:05 p.m.

Henry, have you seen my pile of sophisticated newsmagazines
内涵新闻杂♥志♥了吗
that I read every day?
我要在爷们大会上读上一段
Gonna read them at my "Mency's" Meeting.
索乐黛·秋
Soledad Cho?
你来这干啥
What are you doing here?
我认识你吗
Do I know you?
不不但我认识你
No, no, but I know you.
实际上我可是你的铁杆粉丝
Actually, I'm a real big fan.
我是文斯
I'm Vince, by the way.
晚上好
Good evening.
我是索乐黛·秋
I'm Soledad Cho.
你在这可真是巧啊
Oh, you know, it's actually really funny you're here
因为... 还是算了
because--you know what, never mind.
貌似这个故事另有内♥幕♥啊
Mmm, it sounds like there's more to that story.
呃怎么说呢说起来有点小尴尬
Uh, well, it, um-- this is sort of embarrassing.
真不该说
Erh, I shouldn't say this.
豁出去了我和我老婆邦妮列了一张名人表
Okay, me and my wife Bonnie, we have a list of celebrities
我们可以和表上的名人... 你懂的
that we'd be allowed to, you know.
什么
Yes?
要是有幸就能同床共枕
Sleep with if we ever had the chance.
所以呢
And?
所以嘛这个呃
And, well, it's just that, um,
你在我的名单上
You're--you're on my list.
我上名人援♥交♥单了
I'm on a celebrity sex list?
对
Yeah.
咱们把这事说清楚
Let me get this straight.
你一头冲进来和我素不相识
You come in here, you just met me,
可你却告诉我...
and you tell me...
抱歉我真不该说那些话
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything.
你把我当名人吗
that you consider me a celebrity?
是啊
Well, yeah.
还从来没人把我
No one's ever called me
当名人
a celebrity.
放马过来吧
I'm in.
好啊艾德
Oh, hi, Ed.
我知道这是私人财产但我是为了公事
I know this is private property, but this is official business.
我是罗斯玛丽·潘沃斯
I'm Rosemary Pernworth,
弗林瑞志业主协会的副会长
vice president of the Fleetridge homeowners' association.
罗斯玛丽·潘沃斯
Rosemary Pernworth,
见见长管先生
Meet Mr. Hose.
你想用浇水管威胁我吗
You're threatening me with your garden hose?
谁说用浇水管了[也指男性生殖器]
Who said anything about a garden hose?
"真好笑"
Hilarious.
我说过了我百毒不侵
As I said before, you can't shock me.
你就会说些黄段子攻击人
I know vulgarity is your weapon.
错管子是我的武器
No, garden hose is my weapon.
段子是我的跟班
Vulgarity is my sidekick.
你走路咋这么别扭
Why are you walking funny?
我患了莫顿氏神经瘤
I have a morton's neuroma.
脚部神经肿大了
It's a swollen nerve in my foot.
所以走路有点跛
Makes me limp.
哎哟我也是啊[limp有未勃起的意思]
That makes two of us.
哈哈哈还真当自己是小毛孩啊
Bravo, you're an 11-year-old.
我来这可不是为了和你互喷
I'm not here to trade pee-pee jokes with you.
我是来测量你的玉米
I'm just here to measure your corn
然后向市里提交正式的设诉
so I can file an official complaint with the city
到时候城♥管♥一来你就得乖乖就范
and have them come and force you to cut it down.
我有个更好的点子你咋不去享受生活
I got a better idea. Why don't you get a life?
我不享受生活
Why don't I get a life?
起码我没有荒废我的时间
At least I do something constructive with my time.
我致力于改善邻里环境
I'm trying to improve the neighborhood.
而你整天四处闲晃乱扔乱倒
All you do is go around dumping garbage
还他妈以为这是堪萨斯州乱种玉米
and growing your corn like it's freakin' Kansas.
堪萨斯州盛产玉米
给你一条建议吧
And here's an idea.
下次你打扫客厅时
The next time you vacuum your living room
如果想裸穿钓鱼背心秀下身
wearing nothing but a fishing vest,
敢不敢把窗帘拉下来
why don't you pull down your blinds?
提醒一下我还穿了袜子
For your information, I also wear socks,
不过谢谢观赏
but thank you for watching.
罗斯玛丽啊乔还在世的时候
You know, Rosemary, when Joe was alive
你还只是惹人讨厌
you were merely annoying.
现在你简直令人无法忍♥受了
Now you've become unbearable.
你一直都让人没法忍♥受艾德
You've always been unbearable, Ed.
你或许能靠语言上的伤害把三个前妻逼走
You may have been able to bully three wives out of your life,
但我绝不会退缩
but I'm not going anywhere.
等到下周我成住房♥者业主协会
And next week when I become president
会长之时
of the homeowners' association,
我要亲手捻♥汝玉茎拔汝阳刚
I will grab your stalk and rip it out with my own hands!
你胆敢碰我的玉米
You're not touching my corn.
人家才没说你的玉米
Who said anything about your corn?
真好笑啊
Oh, hilarious.
有一个问题你得先做上会长
One problem, gotta get to be president first.
我可是竞选的独苗哦
I'm running unopposed.
现在可说不准了
Up until now.
你不会吧
You wouldn't.
咋不会呢
Or wouldn't I?
我曾经
Let me tell you
对我的二表姐希亚拉说
what I told my second cousin Sheila.
如果说有一个人要舍身取义那也是你
One of us is going down, and it ain't gonna be me.
go down暗指口♥交♥ 请意会
我要玉米
难以置信你竟为了种玉米
I can't believe you're going through all this trouble
非要来竞选
just to grow your corn.
可不仅仅是玉米
It's more than the corn.
我可不想某些屁♥股♥翘翘的邻居
It's about not letting some tight-ass neighbor
对我的庄稼指指点点
tell me how to grow my crops.
更令人恼火的是她竟敢说我欺负人
Besides, how dare she call me a bully?
你好能为环境保护耽误你一点时间么
Hi, do you have a minute for the environment?
没门你有十秒钟时间捡你的写字板
No. You got ten seconds to find your clipboard?
请投艾德·古德森一票
Vote Ed Goodson.
艾德你这是干啥
Ed, what are you doing?
拉选票
Gathering the votes.
想加入古德森的团队吗
You want to join team Goodson?
品尝免费的玉米松饼
Free corn muffin.
你这太胡来了吧
You're turning this into a farce.
你有啥竞选的资本
What are you even running on?
咱的资本就是点心加咖啡
I'm running on prune danish and a coffee,
你少打我的主意
So keep your distance.
真好笑太搞笑了
That's hilarious. It's hilarious.
艾德你要真想来真的
You know, Ed, if you want to get into this,
那我就要把你的丑恶嘴脸公之于众
I will expose you as the type of person that you really are.
我要向你发出辩论挑战
I'm gonna challenge you to a debate.
头大了吧艾德
What's the matter, Ed?
不想跟我辩论了吧
Do you not want to debate me
怕在公众面前丢形象了吗
because you don't want to be publicly humiliated?
我要是怕丢形象
If I was afraid of being publicly humiliated,
还带着这龟儿子来干嘛
would I have brought my son with me?
随时随地乐意奉陪
I'll debate you anywhere, anyplace.
我要向街坊四邻证明
I'm gonna show the entire neighborhood
你就是个仗势欺人的坏蛋
that you are nothing but a big bully
而我是一个大好人
and I am a nice person.
能为环境保护耽误你一点时间么
Do you have a minute for the environment?
你从我跟前闪开你个嬉皮士
Oh, get out of my face, you hippy.
-嗨 -嘿亲爱的
- Hi. - Hey, honey.
你和索乐黛的见面怎么样
How was your meeting with Soledad?
你们做了么
Did you guys do it?
还没
Not yet.
你能想象咱俩名单上的名人会愿意跟我们上♥床♥吗
Can you imagine if one of our celebrities was willing to?
我的意思是你会怎么做
I mean, what would you do?
我也不知道
I don't know.
事实上你知道么这是个很好的问题
Actually, you know what, that's a really good question.