木偶新知（2024）

我滴个老天奶啊
Oh, heavens to fucking Betsy.
咚咚
Knock knock.
她总是敲门然后说"咚咚"吗
Does she always knock and say, "Knock knock?"
是的 你是
She does. You do.
吉恩 你需要点什么吗
Gene, can I get you anything?
咖啡要吗
Coffee?
如果你需要签名的话 可以拿支笔
Maybe a pen if you need to sign anything.
能给我们拿两杯38盎司的啦啦队男孩吗
Could you get us two 38-ounce Pom Boys?
男士专引冷榨石榴汁
Cold pressed pomegranate juice for men.
38盎司
38 ounce?
如果这太 -不不不
If that's too-- - No, no, no!
我马上就回来
I'll be right back.
快点 芭芭
Hurry, Barbo.
我们渴了
We're thirsty.
我的朋友 这就是建立无老妪区的方法
And that, my friend, is how you create a no crone zone.
我都不确定世界上有没有38盎司的啦啦队男孩
I'm not even sure they make a 38-ounce Pom.
事实上 我知道根本没有
In fact, I know they don't.
我要10美元 但我得到了20美元
Asked for $10, but I got $20.
我要了一点 但我得了很多
Asked for a bit, but I got plenty.
嘿 桑迪
Hey, Sandy.
谁告诉你我的名字的
Who told you my name?
听着 我要成立一个办公室兄弟会
Look, I'm starting an office frat.
想成为我们的第一个会员吗
Want to be our first member?
免交会费的话 就这么定了
Waive the dues, and it's a deal.
当然
Hell yeah!
走吧 姑娘们
Let's go, girls.
是时候找点乐子了
Time to have a little fun.
硬核啊
Hard core.
生活在你那著名的父亲
It couldn't have been easy living in the shadow
达斯·维德本人
of your famous father,
詹姆斯·厄尔·琼斯的阴影下肯定不容易
Darth Vader himself, James Earl Jones.
那不是我爸爸
That's not my dad.
你确定吗
Are you sure?
不 我爸是夺宝奇兵印第安纳·琼斯
No, my dad is Indiana Jones.
哈里森·福特
Ah, Harrison Ford.
另外 有个偷发展中国家文物的父亲
And was it confusing to have a father
是不是让你感到困惑
who would steal artifacts, even in fictional form,
哪怕是虚构的人物
from developing nations?
我逗你呢
I'm messing with you.
我爸爸是一位印度音乐家 名叫拉维·香卡
My dad was an Indian musician named Ravi Shankar.
我是说 他之所以被称为印第安纳·琼斯
I mean, so they call him Indiana Jones
就因为他是印度人吗
because he's Indian?
真是令人痛恨又困惑
Oh, hateful and confusing.
不 我 我没那么说
No, I did-- I didn't say that.
你觉得自己还能应付几个电♥话♥吗
You think you can handle a few calls?
小菜一碟
I'm gonna crush this.
我每天都要说话
I talk every day.
跟邮递员说 跟星巴克店员说
To the mailman, Starbucks.
没错
That's right.
你只管说就好 就像在星巴克一样
You're just gonna talk, just like to Starbucks.
没问题 巴尔
No problem-o, Barl.
我们倒数三 二
And we're on in three, two--
放马过来吧 小趴菜们
Let's go, motherfuckers.
哇 我们又回来了
Wow, and it's back.
司机们 把引擎都捐给我吧
Drivers, pledge your engines.
她怎么这么快就清醒了
How did she get sober that fast?
我们有电♥话♥进来了
We have a caller.
杰纳
Jaynar.
我的发音对吗
Am I pronouncing that correctly?
其实是谢娜
It's actually Shayna.
嗨 -很抱歉 杰纳
Hi. - I'm so sorry, Jaynar.
不 没关系 我叫谢娜
No, it's okay. It's Shayna.
我个人很为你感到害怕 我很担心
I'm scared for you personally, and I'm worried
你会把电台都毁了
you're putting the station in jeopardy.
非常感谢 杰纳
Thanks so much, Jaynar.
给那个胖子送个超长链接的黑牙播放器
Send that fatty a speaker with one long Blacktooth.
女人 宠物 青少年都很适合
It's great for women, pets, teens!
送给小男孩 他们会尖叫到不行
Give it to a young boy, and they will scream.
人人皆有一死 但是蓝牙
Everyone must die, but, Bluetooth,
我给你的爱万万年
me love you long time.
带钩子喔
Carabiner.
下一个 卡尔
Next up, Carl!
你在干什么
What are you doing?
我有麻烦了 卡尔
I was a problemo, Carl.
不 冷场才算麻烦
No. Dead air is a problemo.
没错 赶紧去接手麦克风
Yeah, so, go get on the mic.
我已经介绍过你了
I already introduced you.
你们好呀
Hello.
来点酒吧 求你了
Libations, please.
我要长生不老了
I'm going to live forever.
加油 姑娘
You go, girl.
这很奇怪 因为我们年龄差不多
It's strange because we're around the same age,
但我必须承认
but I must confess,
我有一种奇怪的渴望 希望你做我的妈妈
I have an odd desire for you to be my mother.
以前有人跟你说过吗
Has anyone ever told you that before?
从来没有
Never.
真奇怪
That is strange.
那么说
Follow-up.
如果你是我妈妈 假设我已经被毯子包好了
If you were my mother, how would you sleep train me?
你会怎么训练我睡觉
Assume I'm already swaddled.
我会教你478呼吸法
Oh. I would teach you the 4-7-8 breathing technique.
现在就教我吧 拜托
Teach me right now, please.
就像你是我妈妈那样
As though you were my mother.
好的 亲爱的
Okay, sweetie.
现在 吸气 数四下
Now, now, breathe in for four counts.
准备好了吗
Ready?
我的肺活量不够用了
I ran out of lung capacity.
我觉得你做得不对
I don't think you're doing it right.
很爽吧
Isn't that nice?
纵享丝滑啊
It's smooth as hell.
看 我们才刚刚开始
And, look, we're just getting started.
想象一下
Picture it.
你 我 还有马尔科姆·格拉德威尔
You, me, and Malcolm Gladwell
在我们去大杀四方之前 一起狂吃蔬菜咖喱角
loading up on veggie samosas before we go out and slay.
我告诉你件事
I want to tell you something.
那些主播小妞太疯了 劳伦
Podcast chicks are out of control, Laur.
活像是来了一堆妇女排队要跟你打扑克
It's like a women's march straight to your fucking futon.
格拉德威尔睡了很多妇女吗
Gladwell has a lot of intercourse?
你开玩笑吧
Are you kidding?
他的鸡♥巴♥太有毒了 如果他在东河游泳
His dick's so dirty, when he swam in the East River,
连河都会感染性病
the river got sick.
但是吉恩 我其实更像个高智商控
But Gene, I'm actually more of a sapiosexual,
我只会被思想吸引
attracted to ideas.
好吧 我有个主意可以让你下半身燃起来
Well, here's an idea to make your dangle tingle.
公众认可
Public recognition.
我好久没听到有人捐钱的提示音了
I haven't heard a pledge loon in a long time.
为什么呢 -我不知道
Why is that? - I don't know.
新知只是个三线广播台
"In the Know" is third-tier Public Radio.
但这不是你的错
It's not your fault, though.
我的叔叔PJ 他以前说过
My uncle PJ, he used to say this,
而且他反反复复的说
and he used to say it all the time.
如果没有适当的支撑 再漂亮的奶♥子♥
Without proper support, even the most beautiful boob
看起来也是软趴趴的
just looks like a silly tit.
你知道吗 我一直想找一个
You know, I always wanted a guy I could
能一块聊聊奶罩的朋友
just talk brassieres with.
劳伦 你是天底下我见过的
Lauren, you're the most beautiful boob
最漂亮的奶♥子♥
I have ever heard.
但你的团队却把你当成人人可欺的破扫把
But your squad treats you like an old broom.
劳伦·凯斯宾才不是人人可欺
Lauren Caspian is no one's broom.
我想说 敲敲门
I guess I'll say, knock knock.