木偶新知（2024）

慢点啊 芭布
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, Barb.
你不是在你的俄亥俄小镇
Did you not learn the art of introductions
学过介绍人的艺术吗
in your Podunk Ohio town?
我来自爱荷华州的艾姆斯
I'm from Ames, Iowa.
我看你是来自爱荷华州的云里雾里
More like "aimless" Iowa.
爱荷华州的云里雾里
Aimless Iowa?
天啊 真是莎拉·沃厄尔级别的狗屁
Oh, God, that's some Sarah Vowell-level shit.
来吧 吉恩 这边走
Oh, come, Gene. This way.
我要给你看我的私人迷你吧
I'm going to show you my personal minibar
里面有可以直接上嘴喝的冷汤
of drinkable cold soups.
第一次上广播吗
First time on air?
不 不 不
Oh, no, no, no.
我主持了一个每日播客《黑人的命更是命》
I host a daily podcast, "Black Lives Matter More."
不过不是直播的
Which, it isn't live.
但我的意思是
But I mean--
我又不用跟上爱德华·R·默罗的节奏
It's not like I have to follow Edward R. Murrow here.
我曾经自费拍摄了一部
I once self-financed a documentary
关于我前妻的新丈夫格伦的纪录片
about my ex-wife's new husband, Glenn.
我努力做到不偏不倚
And I took pains to be evenhanded.
但回想起来 某些部分完全只是
But in retrospect, certain sections are
我取笑他那拙劣的飞秒手术
just me making fun of his botched LASIK surgery.
好的
Okay.
这段结束了 我们马上回来 三 二
That clip is ending, and we're back in three, two--
费比安 你上场了
Fabian, you're on.
大家好 欢迎来到《新知》节目
Hello, and welcome to the "In the Know."
你知道的更多
The more you know.
哦 不
Oh, no.
我绝对是费比安
I am Absolutely Fabian, filling in
代替平日的主持入劳伦西尼·阿尔弗雷多
for your usual Laurencini Alfredo.
我是你♥爸♥噢
I'm your dad.
今天 我们有很多东西要给大家听
Today, we've got so much to make you listen.
但是别闹了
But enough of these things.
因为当你 今天 此时此刻
Because when you, today, here, right now,
带回家一件礼物 我的孩子们 好吗
you take home one gift, my babies, okay?
我是你♥爸♥爸 那个礼物是
I'm your dad, and that gift is--
这是一个 一个小蓝管
It's a--a small Bluetube--
蓝管
Bluetube?
蓝牙
Bluetooth.
蓝管播放器
A Bluetube speaker.
它不只是能唱歌♥ 女士们先生们
And it doesn't just sing, ladies and gentlemen.
它可以做锁扣
It can do a carabiner.
是的 你没听错
Yes, you heard that right.
现在让我们回到你喜欢的劳伦斯频道
Now let's get back to the stuff you love with more Lawrence.
再见 黑着吧
Goodbye, and stay Black.
感觉有点奇怪
That felt a little weird.
啥啊这都
The fuck?
劳伦
♪ Lauren ♪
芬恩·沃尔夫哈德 你的职业生涯始于
Finn Wolfhard, your career began as a boy
一个九岁的男孩在分类广♥告♥网站上回应了
of just nine years old responding to Craigslist ads
自♥由♥演员的广♥告♥
for freelance acting gigs.
你对自己还活着心存感激吗
Are you grateful to still be alive?
是的
I am, yeah.
我确实很感激我没有回复任何可能
I'm grateful that I didn't answer any Craigslist ads
会害死我的分类广♥告♥
that had me killed, for sure.
我还是不能原谅我的前任
I've still never forgiven my ex-partner
把我的裸体照列在"家具"分类下的
for listing my nude body as "for sale"
"待售" "旧扫帚"
under "furniture," subsection old brooms,
这根本不合理不是吗
which makes no sense, does it?
芬恩你说 扫帚算一件家具吗
Because Finn, is a broom a piece of furniture?
不 我觉得是清洁用品
No, I would say it's a cleaning supply.
完全正确
That's exactly right.
芬恩 我只想让你说劳伦·凯斯宾
Finn, I just want to have you on record
不是任何人的扫帚
as saying that Lauren Caspian is nobody's broom.
劳伦·凯斯宾不是别人的扫帚
Uh, Lauren Caspian is no one's broom.
我喜欢你在直播时的说俏皮话
Oh, I love how playful you are on the air.
采访对我来说
Interviews, to me,
就像做♥爱♥
are like making love--
但是没有难闻的气味
But without all of the awful smells.
你正要给我看你的散叶茶
Huh. You were about to show me your loose leaf teas.
是的
Ah, yes.
我坚持喝高端甘菊
I stick to the high-end chamomiles.
我曾经喝过一杯血橙路易波士
I once had a blood orange rooibos,
然后我就完全失去了理智
and I completely lost my mind.
我不得不服用纳洛酮来恢复神智
I had to take Narcan to level out.
芭布 你在这里闲逛干什么
Barb, what are you doing loitering here?
噢 我还以为休息室是VIP专用的呢
Yeah, I thought the break room was VIPs only.
那可就太好了
Wouldn't that be nice?
蔡斯 那是什么
Chase, what's that?
当我发现今天是募捐日之后
When I found out it was pledge day,
我跑出去买♥♥了一桶酒
I ran out and got a keg.
蔡斯 我们是在请求听众捐款
Chase, we're asking our listeners to pledge donations.
雅各比先生是我们最慷慨的捐赠者
Mr. Jacoby here is our most generous donor.
我也是兄弟会的啊
Hey, I was a frat bro myself.
西格二货社
Sig Ep.
西格二货社 你是认真的吗
Sig Ep? Are you serious?
等等
Wait--
汪汪 汪汪 汪汪 汪汪 汪汪 汪汪
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!
是的 这很好
Ah, yes. That's good.
差不多够了 我们继续吧
And that's enough. Shall we continue?
当然
But of course.
我得看看天才凯斯宾是在哪里孵化出来的
I must see where the Caspian genius is hatched.
多年来 我一直在购买♥♥
I've been shopping the film rights
我人生故事的电影版权
of my life story for years.
我觉得你演年轻劳伦会很出色
I think you could make a great young Lauren,
所以我现在想给你一个试镜的机会
so I'd like to offer you the chance to audition right now.
让我来设定一下场景
Let me set the scene.
你是14岁的我 邀请学校医务室护士贝琳达
You're 14-year-old me, and you're asking Belinda,
参加毕业舞会
the school nurse, to prom.
我一定要这么做吗
Do I have to do this?
劳伦 我知道你来医务室
So Lauren, I understand you've come to the infirmary
是因为你有恐慌症和放屁的烦恼
because you've been having panic attacks and passing gas.
是的 我停不下来
Yeah, I can't stop.
天呐 就是停不下来
Oh, God, it won't stop.
天呐 就是停不下来
Jesus, it won't stop!
好吧 我能让你暂停一下
Okay, can I--can I pause you for a second
给你指点一下方向吗
and give you a little direction?
我觉得这个痛苦是对的
I think the distress is right.
但年轻的劳伦更有魅力
But young Lauren had a lot more charisma.
好 我们直接进入性♥爱♥场景
Okay, let's jump to the sex scene.
什么
What?
也许我们可以像BTS一样
Maybe we can come up with a little mnemonic device
想出一个小的助记器来帮助你重置
to help you reset, like BTS.
就是 呼吸 思考 说话
Breathe, Think, Speak.
我没事
I'm good.
BTS也可以代表蓝牙扬声器
BTS can also stand for Bluetooth Speaker.
这可以从两个方面帮助你
So that might help you in two ways.
是啊 我想那是你上一次
Yeah, I think it was just the last time
说 三 二
you said "three, two,"
我以为你还要说"一"
and I expected you to say "one,"
结果把我搞糊涂了
and it threw me off.
但我
But I'm--
我现在准备好了
I'm ready now.
小型蓝牙播放器 皮带锁扣
Small Bluetooth speaker, belt loop carabiner.
完美
Perfect.
正确顺序的真实词汇
Real words in the right order.
我们开始吧
And here we go.
三 二
Three, two--
你好
Hello.
再次欢迎
Welcome, again.
对不起 那是我的喉咙和身体在尖叫
I'm sorry, that was my throat and body screaming.