木偶新知（2024）

对 关于你的声音 没让我感到恶心
Yeah, so about your voice, it doesn't make me sick.
谢谢你 达里尔
Thank you, Darryl.
但是让我很不爽
But it does piss me off!
你说什么
I beg pardon?
那种装腔作势 奇怪的停顿
It's pretentious, the weird pauses.
那个岛叫斯塔顿
"The island that is Staten."
声音就像是带了绿帽子的威廉·夏特纳
You sound like a cuck William Shatner.
我 不确定你此话何意
I'm-- I'm not sure I know what you mean.
你看 你又那样
There! You did it again.
我吐
Barf!
向权力说真话
Speaking truth to power.
靠
Fuck, man.
大块头
Chunks.
看来我还真想念他
I guess I still really miss him.
下一位 您的电♥话♥已接通
Next. You're on.
嗨 第一次听节目 经常打电♥话♥
Hi, first time listener, long time caller.
你不说我还没注意到
I didn't realize it till you said it,
不过你的声音的确让我不舒服
but your voice does kind of make me feel ill.
好吧 不过肯定
Okay. But I'm sure--
说含蓄点
Think subtle.
就像是一个生气的小孩朝我挥拳
Like, a small but very angry child punched me
直接打到我肚子上 -再见
straight in the belly-- - Goodbye.
或者你让爱的人失望
Or that feeling when you've disappointed a loved one
或者必须赶紧去拉屎那种感觉
or you have to take a terrible crap.
不过这些应该都不一样
But those should feel different.
下一位
Next.
嗨 我打通了吗 -嗯
Hi. Am I on? - Mm-hmm.
你听说过劳伦·凯斯宾挑战吗
Have you heard of the Lauren Caspian challenge?
当然
Of course.
我们电台主办的慈善舞蹈比赛
Our station-sponsored charity dance competition.
不是不是 我说的是我在抖音上
Oh, no, no, no, no, it's this thing I started on TikTok
发起的挑战 喝半加仑牛奶
where you drink half a gallon of milk
看你能坚持听劳伦的声音多久
and you see how long you can listen to your voice
不会吐 -什么
without ralphing. - What?
说实话 我都不敢信
Honestly, I can't believe
跟你说了这么久话
that I've been talking to you this long
我都还没
without--
人们的声音被听到了
The people have been heard.
恐怕现在已经关闭热♥线♥了
And I'm afraid our lines are now closed.
你好
Hello.
我打通了吗
Am I on?
不是吧 卡尔
Seriously, Carl?
抱歉 最后一通
Sorry, last one.
凯斯宾先生 我是来自温尼伯的苏珊
Mr. Caspian, this is Susan from Winnipeg again.
好 我的声音让你想注射漂白剂
Yeah. And my voice makes you want to inject bleach.
当然不是
Oh, heavens no.
我们温尼伯的人喜欢你的声音
We here in Winnipeg love your voice.
真的吗
Really?
我能问问他们都喜欢哪一点吗
May I ask what Winnipeggers like about it?
嗯 平静 -平静
Oh, um, well, it's smooth. - Smooth.
还非常
And very...
适中
Medium...
有点性感
And sort of sexy.
苏珊 恕我冒昧回敬你一句
Susan, if I could be so bold as to return the complement,
你的声音也很性感
you have a very sexy voice yourself.
变♥态♥ 你在跟芭芭拉说话
Hey, pervert, you're talking to Barb.
不是 你没有
No, you're not.
芭芭拉
Barb!
这下我要呕吐了
Now I need to go throw up.
我发现午餐是我的打底胶
The lunch I find is my base layer,
不过我加了自己的装饰
but then I add my own little flourishes
让它回复生机
to bring it to life.
感谢你在离世之前传授你的人生智慧
Thank you for passing on your wisdom before you die.
你没事吧 劳伦
You okay, Lauren?
我刚经历了一场现代的公开石刑
I just survived a modern-day public stoning.
我理解 伙计
I get it, man.
我经常让人们感到恶心
I make people sick all the time.
有一次在洛基恐怖秀上
I once accidentally distributed asbestos cigarettes
我不小心派发了石棉香烟
at a "Rocky Horror Picture Show."
提前让他们见了上帝
They did the time warp forever.
很快我也会的
And soon, so will I.
我该怎么办 我的声音就是一切
What am I going to do? My voice is everything.
兄弟 海绵宝宝的帕特里克声音也很奇怪
Dude, Patrick from "SpongeBob" has a weird voice,
他是最性感的男人之一
and he's one of the hottest men alive.
这是我的紧急情况
This is my nine/11.
测试
Testing.
测试 一 二
Testing one, two.
声音没问题 桑迪
Sounds good, Sandy.
电影达人们 节日快乐
Season's greetings, movie mavens.
本周 我将为您推荐几部炙手可热的新片
This week, I'm diving into some scalding hot new releases.
第一部《教父》 又名《哈欠之父》
First up, "the Godfather," AKA "The Yawn Father."
继续酿酒吧 弗朗西斯
Stick to making wine, Francis.
可是正当我要永远放弃电影业时
But just as I was about to give up on cinema forever,
林卡德·里赫拉特的《童年》问世了
along came Linkard Richlater's "Boyhood."
这部电影拍摄花了12年时间
It took 12 years to make this movie.
想想看
Consider that.
12年来 所有男女大小
For 12 years, every man, woman, and child
都必须住在片场 不准离开
had to live on set, never allowed to leave.
他们吃在那里 住在那里
They ate there, slept there, and at times,
有时候可能还要借助栅栏和暴♥力♥
surely had to be kept there through the aid of fences
让他们留在那里
and physical violence.
可是最终他们拍成了电影
But at the end of the day, they made a movie,
大赚了一笔
and movies make so much money.
我觉得这时间花得值
I'd call that time well spent.
我很荣幸能为我可爱的羽毛朋友们
It's been an honor to review the newest flicks
评论好莱坞的最新电影
in Hollyweird for you, my fine, feathered friends.
愿我安息
May I rest in peace.
库特播讲完毕 下播
Kooter over and Kooter out.
很棒的告别评论 桑迪
Great farewell review, Sandy.
最棒之一 下周再见
One of your best. See you next week.
芭芭拉 拜托 你是我制片人
Barb, please. You're my producer.
别再钓我了 想个解决办法
Stop catfishing me and fix this.
根据收听数据 我们很多听众
Aw. Based on listener data, lot of our audience
都是在车内收听的
listens to the show in the car.
那又怎么样
So what?
我在想
Well, I was just thinking.
我小时候 必须坐在前排
When I was a girl, I needed to sit in the front seat
这样才能看到前方的路而不至于晕车
so I could see the road and not get carsick.
也许有些人需要看到你在
So maybe some people just need to see you while you're--
慢着 等等 别说了
Wait, wait, wait. Shut up.
我在想
I was just thinking.
我小时候 必须坐在前排
When I was a girl, I needed to sit in the front seat
这样才能看到前方的路而不至于晕车
so I could see the road and not get carsick.
也许有些人需要听我说话的时候看到我
So maybe some people just need to see me while I'm speaking.
这是个好主意 劳伦
That's a great idea, Lauren.
我的天哪 我的天
My fucking God, my fucking God...
使用这个应用我们就可以
So we'll be able to see real-time comments
实时看到评论
using this application?
应用 -对 老家伙
Application? - Yes, Boomer.
他看上去好帅气
Oh, he looks so handsome.
帅气得像个小白脸
Handsome like a chode.
欢迎各位听众和观众朋友们
Welcome, listeners and viewers,
收看喜剧女王妮可·拜尔的特别直播
to a special live stream with comedy queen, Nicole Byer.
嗨 -欢迎来到"木偶新知"
Hi. - Welcome to "In The Know."
你好吗
How are you?
太好玩了
Oh, it's already so fun!
妮可 你能解释一下
Now, Nicole, can you please explain
喜剧是怎么起作用的吗
to me how a joke works?
当然
Sure.
你有一个骗局 也就是喜剧的内容
So you have a setup, which is what the joke is about.