木偶新知（2024）

不是
No.
你们有时间吗
If you gentlemen have a minute,
我想给你们看样东西
I'd like to show you something.
我们对卡尔到底了解多少啊
What do we really know about Carl?
卡尔有个音乐制♥作♥学士学位
Carl has a bachelor's degree in music production.
卡尔与前妻关系很好
Carl has a friendly relationship with his ex-wife.
卡尔一天要上两三次厕所
Carl goes to the bathroom two or three times a day.
我们要是连这些都不知道
If we didn't know these things...
天 卡尔
Whoa, Carl.
很让人不适啊
That's some dark shit.
你就像彭尼维斯一样
You're like Pennywise, dude.
她只是给我的事实配上了可怕的音乐而已
That was just facts about me set to scary music.
是 但她说的没错
Yeah, but she's right.
你确实挺常去洗手间的
You do go to the bathroom sometimes.
这...这椅子很好
It--it--it's nice.
但不好意思 我真的该回去了
I don't know. I--I really should get back.
你有什么感觉
What are you feeling?
我在想劳伦会怎么想
I'm trying to think what Lauren would want.
该死
Mierda.
不要想这个叫劳伦的家伙
Do not think about this Lauren.
你不是她的附庸
She does not own you.
问问自己
Ask yourself,
芭布想要什么
what does Barb want?
我高中最喜欢的老师
My favorite teacher in high school
既是一个教育家 又是精神导师
was part educator, part spiritual advisor,
还是个业余按♥摩♥师 但他最后被捕了
and part amateur masseuse, and he was eventually arrested.
你认为拳击手与教练之间的
What do you think is the ideal relationship
理想的关系是什么样
between a boxer and their trainer?
所有请导师或教练的人
Anyone that has a mentor or a trainer,
他们的工作就是让他开心
their job is to make him happy.
他让你开心 还是让你让他开心
For him to make you happy or for you to make him happy?
不 是我让我的教练开心
No, for me to make whoever my mentor is happy.
如果他说 我想再来一个重量级冠军
If he says, "I want another heavyweight champ--
我太想再体会一次了 那我就会为他成为重量级冠军
I can't wait to get another"-- I'm that heavyweight champ.
真有趣 我参加了犹太社区中心
It's funny-- I participate
提供的老年自卫课
in an elderly self-defense class at the JCC,
我有个指导师 穆丽尔
and I have a sensei, Muriel.
她是一位85岁的税务律师
And she's an 85-year-old tax attorney.
有一次她把我锁在垫子上 把我都弄哭了
And she once held me down on the mat until I wept.
我要比他们年轻30岁以上
And I'm the youngest student by 30 years,
但我也在课上学到了一些
but there are some defense tactics
防御技巧 而且即便是你泰森
that I've learned in that class that even you, Michael,
也无法将我压制
would not be able to overpower.
我相信会有这种防御技巧
I'm sure there are some,
但你做不到
but you won't be the one to do it.
迈克尔 我告诉你
Michael, I'm telling you.
我会像一只小寄居蟹那样紧紧地蜷缩起来
I coil up like a little hermit crab so tightly
就连你也撬不开
that even you would not be able to pry me loose.
你可以把我踢出走廊
And you could punt me clear down a hallway,
因为我也被人那样踢过 我永远不会放弃
as I have been punted, and I would never let go.
我不信
I don't believe that.
大家都对你来硬的
Everybody's using force against you.
但我会挠你痒痒
I would tickle you.
哦天啊 你说得对
Oh, my goodness gracious, you're right.
我对于挠痒痒毫无招架之力
I'm helpless in the face of a tickle monster.
我是至高无上的神
I reign supreme.
当他们被找到时
By the time they were found,
就连牙科记录也无法辨别他们
not even dental records could identify them.
1977年 斯波坎
1977, Spokane.
一家保险公♥司♥举办的假日晚会
An insurance company enjoys a holiday party--
蛋奶酒 神秘的圣诞老人
Eggnog, secretive Santas.
但这些狂欢人群都没察觉到
What these revelers don't know is, there's simultaneously
复印室燃起了电气火灾
an electrical fire in the copy room
还有一个前同事拿着电锯的
and a disgruntled former coworker with a chainsaw
正朝楼上走来
coming up the stairs.
一个经典的完美风暴情境
A classic perfect storm scenario.
太他妈疯狂了
That's fucking crazy.
只要你计划好就不会
Not if you've planned for it.
这些都是偶发事件
Those are statistical anomalies.
你知道我们每天要面对的
Do you know the very real danger
真正的危险是什么吗
we face every single day?
强制接种疫苗
Mandatory vaccinations.
被大妈粉揩油吗 -不
MILF attacks? - No.
神经心理创伤
Neuropsychic trauma.
听起来很糟糕
That sounds bad.
规则我都订好了
These are the rules.
这些规则会保护我们的
The rules will protect us.
不准用荧光灯
"No fluorescent lighting."
嗯 听起来挺酷的
Hmm, that sounds pretty chill.
电子邮件标题不能全大写
No email subject lines in all caps,
不讨论没通过贝克德尔测试的电影
no mention of films that fail the Bechdel Test,
不能吃味重的午餐
no lunches you can smell
或臭到造成创伤的东西
or other traumatic stink attacks.
你盖住了我们的职业安全与健康管理准则
You covered our OSHA-mandated fire plan.
职业安全与健康管理准则可以去死了
OSHA isn't in charge here anymore.
太好了 朋克最牛逼
Oh, hell yeah! Punk rock!
CBGB夜♥总♥会♥ 兄弟
CBGB's, man.
如果让你回忆年轻时的迈克尔·泰森时
When you think back on young Michael Tyson,
你心中会不会对
do you feel a tenderness or a protectiveness
内心那个充满挣扎的小男孩
for the little boy who was putting up
燃起一丝丝温情或保护呢
with so much difficulty?
他不需要被保护
He cannot be protected.
他要想成功 在生活中成功
He has to go through the ring of fire
必须要跳过那个火圈
in order to succeed-- To succeed in life.
他必须要走过烈火
He has to be burnt.
我觉得自己现在
I feel as though I'm going
就在走过烈火
through a ring of fire myself.
我最近被诊断为被动精♥子♥
I was recently diagnosed with passive sperm.
你觉得这会让我我不像个男人吗
Do you think my diagnosis makes me any less of a man?
好吧 我不知道
Hey, listen, I don't know.
也许你需要补充更多♥维♥生素
Maybe you need more vitamins,
铁剂会使精♥子♥更致密
you need iron to get the sperm more dense.
但我不知道你具体什么问题
I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with you.
我最近发现自己的精♥液♥变稀了
I've noticed that my sperm does seem more diluted lately.
以前更粘稠
It used to be a more viscous--
具体的细节我就不谈了
Not to get into the gory specifics,
但它以前更粘稠
but it used to be more viscous.
现在感觉就一杯没泡好的茶
And now it feels like a poorly brewed tea.
再快点
Faster.
我想尝遍所有感觉
I want to know them all.
你会的
And so you will.
你作为拳击手 一直都很有统治力
You were so dominant as a boxer for so long.
你是什么时候最终尝到失败感的
What did it feel like when you finally lost?
那是我这辈子打得最好的一次
That was the best fight of my life
因为我从失败中学习
because I learn from loss.
这就是失败意义
That's what loss is.
生活就在于失去
Life is about loss.
你知道 我们会失去我们爱的人
You know, we, um-- We lose people we love.
我们会失去头发 失去牙齿
We lose our hair. We lose our teeth.
我们失去了活下去的兴趣 然后走向坟墓
We lose our interest to live, and then we die.
失去是爱的一部分 重要的部分
And loss is a part of love, a great part of love.
失去比生活更值得庆祝
Loss is celebrated more than life is.
这番话很深刻 我的体会是
That's very profound, and the way
精♥子♥效力的丧失
I'm hearing that is, the loss of spermatic potency
也是爱你精♥子♥的一部分
is a part of loving your sperm.
尽管精♥子♥丧失活力
And even though it's difficult
是一件痛苦事
to lose your sperm's assertiveness,
那我要是真爱自己的精♥子♥ 就要接受失去它的现实
if I truly love my sperm, I have to accept the loss of it
才能更好地处理好我与精♥液♥的关系
as a part of my relationship to my own jism.
当然 你的精♥子♥你做主
Absolutely. It's your sperm.