木偶新知（2024）

whereas, you are...
你说呢
You tell me.
我宁愿不说
I'd rather not.
让我们试试另一种策略
Let's try a-a different tack.
假如你是一个音乐家 你会是谁
If you were a musician, who would you be?
史提利·丹 -不
Steely Dan. - No.
假设你是一个历史月
Let's say you were a history month.
哪个 -海事历史月
Which-- - Maritime History Month.
那根本不是 那是几月份
That's not-- What--what month is that?
2月 -不 那应该是
February. - No, that's--
应该是什么
That's what?
好吧 来个完形填空
Okay, finish this sentence.
行啊 -大声说出来
Sure. - Say it loud,
我是什么什么 我很骄傲
"I'm blank and I'm proud."
水瓶座
An Aquarius.
你知道我最骄傲的是什么吗 劳伦
You know what I'm proud about, Lauren?
最好是关于亚洲的
It better be something Asian.
在某种程度上是的
In a way, it is.
惹火太阳镜使用的是完全正宗中国塑料
En Fuego Frames are 100% legit Chinese plastic,
并在孟加拉制♥造♥
manufactured in the Bangladesh.
什么叫正宗中国塑料
What is legit Chinese plastic?
懂的都懂
You know if you know.
好的 旁白君意识到
Okay. The narrator realizes
他一直在跑偏
he has been going about this the wrong way.
你在干什么
What are you doing?
我在转换代码
I'm code-switching.
是时候改变这种模式了
It's time to change the paradigm.
现在劳伦现在要变成卡尔模式
It is Lauren who is now code-switching to Carl.
谢谢 劳伦
Thanks, Lauren.
我感觉自己身处哈莱姆区
I feel like I'm in Harlem.
真让人很放松 -不 不 不
It's very relaxing. - No, no, no, no.
卡尔 请打开麦克风说啊
On-mic, Carl, please.
我的两个膝盖都没有半月板
I have no meniscus on either knee.
所以 每次比赛 就像
So, like, every fight was getting into, like,
遭遇了车祸和飞机失事
a car crash and surviving a plane wreck.
就像带着懒散核糖体和
Try living with slothful ribosomes
准备期抑郁症一起生存
and prepartum depression.
我得了有史以来第一例成人摇晃婴儿综合症
I had the first case of adult shaken baby syndrome.
这是有正式记录的 你可以查一下
This is on paper. You could look this up.
医生形容我的大脑为 摇得一团浆糊
The doctor described my brain as "juicy."
我被诊断为幻睾丸综合症
I've been diagnosed with phantom testicle syndrome,
贝克的脖子 还得过急性飞溅病
baker's neck, and an acute case of the splats.
我曾经在法律定义上死了28分钟
I was once legally dead for 28 minutes.
你明白这是什么意思吗
Do you understand what this means?
28分钟 我当时都看见成吉思汗了
For 28 minutes, I was with Genghis Khan
从他那里学到各种智慧
getting all types of wisdom.
他告诉我的最后一件事是 回去征服吧
And the last thing he told me is, "Go back and conquer."
然后我就回来了
And here I am.
不错嘛
Not bad.
知道你在受苦我很遗憾 费比安
I'm sorry you're in pain, Fabian.
我也很遗憾
I'm sorry you are too.
我们试试这个
Let's try this.
卡尔 你觉得谁是你最好的朋友
Carl, who would you say is your best friend?
我猜是但丁
Hm. I guess that would be Dante.
是的 但丁
Ah, yes, Dante.
但丁 终于说到重点了
Dant-ay. Finally.
你们俩是怎么谈论各自
How do you two speak about the racism
在社会上遭遇的种族歧视的
you experience out in the world?
你说他经历的种族歧视吗
The racism he experiences?
哈 他那一身白皮才不会被歧视
Ha! Not Dante's white ass.
但是 我很困惑
But-- I'm confused.
但丁是白人吗
Dante is white?
他想让我把他当成意大利人
He'd want me to specify he's Italian.
但是意大利人都是白人啊
But Italian is white!
抱歉
Apologies.
我刚是在假设但丁和你一样都是努比亚国王
I'd just assumed Dante was a Nubian king like yourself.
你知道什么人看不出种族吗
You know who doesn't see race?
大多数盲人
Most blind people.
惹火太阳镜 -蔡斯
En Fuego Frames-- - Chase--
太适合各位盲人小伙伴了
Perfect for you blind homies out there.
卡尔 我肯定但丁是痞子阿姆型的
Carl, I'm sure Dante was a-a Slim Shady type,
他最爱是百事激浪的红色代码
nursed on Mountain Dew Code Red
把说唱金属乐当成摇篮曲
with only Insane Clown Posse as his lullabies.
我和但丁是在达特茅斯大学
Dante and I met in Philosophy 101
大一的哲学入门课上认识的
our freshman year at Dartmouth.
什么 -我们还因为
What? - We got into a shouting match
康德的定言命令大吵一架
about Kant's categorical imperative,
从那以后我们就成了最好的朋友
and we've been best friends ever since.
好吧 但丁和你是朋友
All right, so Dante and you are friends
就像你和我是朋友一样
like you and I are friends.
你和我只是同事
You and I are colleagues.
但丁刚给我发短♥信♥
Oh-hoh! Dante just texted me right now.
但丁有你的私人电♥话♥号♥码吗
Dante has your personal phone number?
当然 -好吧
Of course. - Okay, I guess
我就很奇怪 为什么我没有
then I'm just confused about why I don't have
你的私人电♥话♥号♥码 因为我觉得
your personal phone number because I'd assumed
那是因为种族隔离造成的
it was because of the racial divide.
想知道谁是我最好的朋友吗
Want to know who my best friend is?
天啊 不想 -不 你想
God, no. - God, yes.
是耶稣基♥督♥
It's Jesus Christ.
他说 爱你的敌人
And he said, "Love thine enemies
也要为压♥迫♥你的人祷告
and pray for those who persecute you."
好吧 蔡斯 我们就顺着往下说
Okay, fine. We'll go with it, Chase.
你觉得耶稣关于美国的
What do you think Jesus would say
种族危机会有什么看法
about America's racial crisis?
耶稣来自埃及 对吧
Well, Jesus was from Egypt, right?
中东
Middle East.
那里阳光很充足吧
And there's a lot of sun there.
对 所以他很有可能
Right, so he was probably,
你懂的 非裔美国人
you know, African American.
不知道 但他肯定需要
Don't know, but he definitely needs
用惹火太阳镜来保护他的上帝之眼
to protect those God eyes with En Fuego Shades.
哎哟 你干嘛
Why are you doing this?
等一下 等一下
Hold up, wait up.
梅根当着大家的面对你大吼大叫
Meaghan screamed at you in front of everybody
就因为你问及她的家长吗
because you asked about her mom and dad?
关于她的家庭结构
I made an offensive assumption
我做了一个冒犯性的假设
about her family structure.
她的家长真的是同性恋吗
She--she had, like, the same-sex parents?
不 但有这个可能
No, but she could have.
她羞辱我不是她的错
She was right to shame me.
哎哟
Ouch.
这太疯狂了
That's crazy.
我有时会做噩梦 梦里我不小心
I have nightmares sometimes where I accidentally say
在梅根面前说了主卧室这个词
"master bedroom" in front of Meaghan.
你知道
You know,
我能理解 我也有反复出现的噩梦
I got this, like, recurring nightmare
我在夏威夷冲浪的地方
where I go surfing in Hawaii
这些海豚想
and these dolphins try to, like,
让我加入他们的帮派
initiate me in their gang.
但我肯定不是那种人 对吧
But that ain't gonna be me, right?
所以我把它们都杀了
So I merk 'em all up.
然后我会惊醒
And then I wake up immediately.
我感觉糟透了 就是因为那些海豚
And I feel so bad though, 'cause of these dolph--
我很爱海豚的
I love dolphins.
我是不会这么干的
I would never.
是的 我...我知道 豪尔赫
No, I-I know, Jorge.
我知道你是不可能杀海豚的
I know you'd never merk a dolphin.
不可能
Never.
我女儿可能会喜欢这个呢
My daughter might like these.
那肯定的