木偶新知（2024）

using the current bizarre criteria,
都像是来自恐怖外太空的外星人
which, frankly, means most of them look
要是随机选人会不会更好呢
like literal aliens from scary space,
就像选陪审员一样
we just chose people at random like jury duty.
我同意 这方面确实值得探索
I agree. I do think that's worth exploring.
肯定会让模特这一行变得有趣的
It would definitely make it interesting.
想象一个体毛浓密的老男人
Imagine a hairy old man
穿着硕大的巴黎世家鞋子
in enormous Balenciaga shoes,
一个刚做完牙科手术的
a female pipe fitter
女管道工 笑意盈盈地穿着唐纳卡兰的新款
who just had dental surgery smizing in the new Donna Karan.
这多么别开生面呀 -完全同意
Wouldn't that be refreshing? - Completely, yes.
我觉得我们俩聊得很顺畅
And because I feel like we're in a flow
你也赞同我的观点
where you're agreeing with me,
不知道你介不介意我吐槽一下男性凝视的暴♥力♥一面
would you mind if I rant about the violence of the male gaze?
不介意 我很愿意听听
Yeah, I would love to hear it.
你可以时不时地打断我
And feel free to periodically chime in
说赞成 或者棒棒哒
and say, amen, or, go off, queen,
你觉得怎么自然就怎么来
whatever feels natural.
好的
Right, okay.
那我就开始了
Here I go.
男人不想要这些整过容的林黛玉
Men don't want these plastic waifs.
我们想要的是一个体能与自己相似的伴侣
We want a physically dominant version of ourselves.
我们想要一个背着毛织单肩包的女人
We want a woman with a big woolly shoulder bag
她有新冠后遗症 身上散发着鹰嘴豆泥和咖啡的味道
and long COVID, who smells like hummus and coffee
戴着的耳环像性感小风铃
and has earrings that are sexy little wind chimes.
同意
Amen.
非常幸运 我们生活在
We are all fortunate to live in a time--
这本书讲什么的
What's that one about?
一家科学家被时空海盗绑♥架♥的故事
Oh, a family of scientists are kidnapped by time pirates.
其实这是基于狭义相对论的一个真实理论
It's actually based on a real theory of special relativity.
听起来很有意思
Ooh, that sounds interesting.
我在读另一本讲新斯科舍寡妇的小说
I'm reading another novel about the widows of Nova Scotia.
嘿 你丈夫的谋杀案
Hey, has there been any progress
有进展了吗
in your husband's murder case?
我不想去打扰警方
Oh, I-I don't want to pester the police.
他们估计在忙着筹备
They're probably busy
圣帕特里克节的游♥行♥呢
prepping for the St. Patrick's Day Parade.
戴尔以前最喜欢游♥行♥了
Dale loved parades.
你是怎么学会穿高跟鞋走路的
How did you learn to walk in heels?
我上过课 这是真的
I actually took lessons, and that is a true story.
你还记得关键要领吗
Do you remember the key lesson?
记得 不要晃屁♥股♥
Yes. Don't sway your hips.
我可做不到
That's impossible for me,
我的骨盆生来就很会扭
because I have a naturally sassy pelvis.
我也是 这是个问题
So do I, and it proved to be an issue.
你说过不喜欢别人问你
Now, you've said you don't enjoy getting asked
一些简单的问题 比如 你包里有哪三样东西
basic questions like, "What are three items in your purse?"
那我想问问 凯雅 你做过的最丢脸的
So I'll ask, Kaia, what have you done that nobody knows
但没人知道的事情是什么
that you are most ashamed of?
请说得具体一点 具体到让我尴尬
And please be uncomfortably specific.
我的 -这是一个安全的空间
Oh, my-- - This is a safe space.
安全的空间
Safe space.
我包里的三样东西是
Um, the three items in my purse, uh, are--
你女儿不是还申请过这里的实习吗
Didn't your daughter try to get an internship here?
对 她真的很喜欢新闻业
Yeah. She really loves journalism.
结果这家伙拿到了 -14
And then this dude got it? - 14...
是啊 据说他在被佛州州立大学
Yeah, supposedly his parents made this big gift
学术留校察看之后
to NPR after he was put on academic probation
父母给NPR送了一份大礼
at Florida State.
太恶了 -哇哦
That stinks. - Whoo!
没事 贝丝能理解的
Oh, Beth understands.
你在洗澡时是什么样子
What's your relationship to showers?
我喜欢边洗澡边哭
I love crying in the shower.
因为你分不清什么是泪 什么是水
When you don't know what's tears and what's water,
这是最爱做的事之一
that's one of my favorite things.
就像在浴缸里撒尿 分不清什么是什么
It's like peeing in the bath. You can't tell what's what.
好的吧
Okay.
你刚提到卫生间 这很有意思
You know, it's funny you brought up bathrooms.
我一般不怎么聊自己的街头见闻
I-I don't normally talk about my street activism,
但我今早邀请一位流浪汉
but this morning I invited an unhoused man
来我们演播室用洗手间
to use our studio restroom.
太棒了
Great.
我是不是该鼓个劲儿 -是啊 鼓劲儿吧
Should I go off? - Yes, go off.
谁鼓劲儿
Go off who?
女王鼓劲儿
Go off, queen.
弹弹弹 你喜欢葬礼吗
Boing. Do you like funerals?
不喜欢
No.
咱们洗手间有人在用吗
Is there someone in our restroom right now?
所以 大家觉得怎么样
Oh, so what did everybody think?
太棒了 -是啊
Amazing. - Mm, yeah.
我自己也是个健身狂
I'm a bit of a health freak myself.
我一周两次去青年宫做水疗
Twice a week, I do water reiki down at the Y.
对 健身课超赞的
Yeah. Workout classes slap.
不是上课
It's not a class.
是我在泳池里对大家做些什么
It's just something I do to people in the pool.
你觉得访谈如何 法比安小姐
And what did you think of the interview, Miss Fabian?
两个骨瘦如柴的自恋狂 进行的一场五音不全的二重唱
"A tone-deaf duet by two skeletal narcissists,
重音在自恋上 #抵♥制♥《木偶新知》
emphasis on the 'cis,' #CancelInTheKnow."
你是用官方节目账号♥发的吗
Did you tweet that from the official show account?
是的
Yeah.
很棒的访谈 劳伦 -不 多亏了大家
Great interview, Lauren. - No, it's a team effort.
我只不过充当了大家长
I'm merely the big daddy.
对了 我还想告诉大家
Oh, I also wanted to let everyone know
那个流浪汉还在我们卫生间
that that homeless gentleman is still in the bathroom.
哦 芭布 -嗯
Oh, Barb. - Huh?
这属于仇恨词汇
That is hate speech.
他只是个无家可归者
He is an unhoused person.
实际上 最好用
Actually, the preferred term is
"居无定所者" 来描述
"person who is currently without housing."
我不这么想
No, I don't think so.
你确定吗 -是的
Are you sure? - Yes.
对不起了
Oh, I'm sorry.
我也很同情他的处境
I'm really very empathetic to the man's situation.
我还在流浪汉收♥容♥所♥做过志愿者
I volunteer at a homeless shelter--
不对 是无家可归者收♥容♥所♥
Ah, ah, no, you volunteer at an unhoused shelter.
不 是为居无定所者提供的庇护所
A shelter for persons currently without housing.
那这么说好绕口啊
Well, it just feels very clunky.
不好意思 尊重一下弱势群体
Oh, I'm sorry, is it too inconvenient
对你来说就那么不方便吗
to treat vulnerable populations with respect?
你怎么敢的
How dare you?
我90年代就开始用因纽特人这个词了
I was using the term Inuit back in the '90s.
我再学会拼自己名字之前
I've been spelling "womyn" with a Y
就把"女人"拼成"女Y人"了
since before I could spell my name.
总之 他要是不走 这层的所有员工
Either way, until he leaves, everyone on the floor
都要走到街那头去星巴克上厕所了
will have to use the Starbucks down the street.
也许 这能让我们反思一下
And maybe that will teach us
这个国家厕所严重不足的问题
about the lack of water closets in this country.
我可以提醒一下大家吗 这里是公共广播
May I remind you all that this is public radio?
让我们用尿尿 和其他不堪启齿的屎尿屁
Let us urinate and do all other washroom "shamefuls"
来声援我们无家可归的兄弟姐妹吧
in solidarity with our unhoused brothers and sisters.
居无定所的兄弟姐妹
Brothers, sisters, and nonbinary siblings
和非二元兄弟姐妹 -够了
currently without housing. - God damn it!
我为你们骄傲
I'm proud of you all.
我们憋的不止是尿
We aren't just holding our urine,
也为这些被世界遗忘的离经叛道者
we're holding space for the forgotten
憋出了一片宝贵的空间
and supposedly hideous among us.
咱们得新找一个
We're going to have to find
能尿尿的地方
a new place to take a leak.
那家星巴克气场不太行
That Starbucks has bad vibes.
什么意思
What does that mean?
他们指控桑迪偷了个鸡蛋