木偶新知（2024）

甜而不腻
Sweet but sophisticated.
谢谢
Thank you.
橘子酱是果冻类水果中的翘楚
Marmalade is the queen of jellied fruits.
卡尔
Oh, Carl!
我整晚都在喝散叶茶
♪ I spent all night, loose leaf tea ♪
我旋转香蕉 丢掉哑剧
♪ I spin banana, lose my mime ♪
当我转动香蕉 丢掉哑剧
♪ While I spin banana, lose my mime ♪
这首歌♥一直是我的最爱
That song is one of my all-time favorites.
《起居室》 是我写的
"Living Room." I wrote that.
你说我转动香蕉 丢掉哑剧
And what did you mean when you said
这句是什么意思
"I spin banana, lose my mime"?
我写的一句歌♥词 谁在乎呢
Uh, the lyric I wrote, but who cares...
这不重要
Like, doesn't matter.
整晚放松我的思绪
Is "spend all night and lose my mind."
作为一个非插入式的无性恋者
Well, my understanding, as a sapiosexual,
我的理解是
non-penetrative,
假如我转动我的香蕉
was if I were to spin my banana,
我觉得这是在比喻自♥慰♥
which I assumed was a metaphor for masturbation,
那我就会丢掉声音
then I would lose my mime,
这是象征性比喻 而不是真的触摸式行为
which is more about symbolic than actual touch.
这样说得通吗
Does that make sense?
嗯 说得很好
Yeah, it's beautiful.
太好了 -真让人吃惊
That's great. - That's astonishing.
如果你转动你的香蕉
Yes, if you spin your banana,
你就不再演哑剧了
you're no longer a mime.
你就像是参加夏令营的饥渴小变♥态♥
You're just another horny, little freak at summer camp
把自己的睡袋都弄脏
befouling his sleeping bag.
拜托
Come on, people.
我知道肯定有人
I know you're out there.
让我来帮你
Let me help you.
嗨 费比安 你还好吗
Hi, Fabian. Are you doing okay?
听我说 你一直支持弱势群体
Look, it's wonderful that you're always so eager
这一点很好
to champion marginalized groups,
可是
but--
有情况
Something's happening.
我最近停止了心理咨♥询♥
I stopped therapy recently
因为我的咨♥询♥师没通知我一声就换了办公室
because my therapist changed offices without telling me.
这太伤害我了
And that was particularly traumatic,
因为我刚出生我妈就抛弃了我
because my mother ghosted me minutes after my own birth.
医生说他从来没见过哪个女人刚生完孩子
The doctor said he'd never seen a woman in her condition
就跑那么快的
run so fast.
你还好吗
You okay?
有件事我一直想不明白
Now, here's something I've been wondering about.
假如我们都被困在荒岛上
If we were all stranded on a desert island,
你觉得我们会以什么为食
what do you think we would all eat?
我能不能休息一下 我
Yeah, I feel like if I just had a break, I--
我...我觉得恶心
I-I just-- I-I'm feeling nauseous.
可能是紧张所致
Mm. It's probably nerves.
你们俩个哪个是大众万人迷
Now, which one of you is the heartthrob,
哪个是花心大萝卜
and which one of you is the slutty genius?
她恶心了
She's getting sick.
在直播中
On air.
这就是我那些沉默的受难者们
This is the proof my silent sufferers
一直等待的证据
have been waiting for!
费比安 先别急着
But, Fabian, let's not jump to--
拜托别说话了
Please stop talking.
我女朋友也叫劳伦
My girlfriend, also named Lauren,
长得跟我很像 -拜托 拜托
looks a lot like me. - Please, please--
这样能说我是
Now, does that make me
同卵双胞胎女同性恋吗
an honorary identical twin lesbian?
抱歉 我不能继续了
I'm so sorry. I can't do this.
什么 不要
What? No.
很高兴见到你 劳伦
Great to meet you, Lauren.
祝你好运 -不不不
Best of luck. - No, no, no.
拜托拜托 不要走
Please, please, please, please.
拜托
Please.
我们不能确定就是劳伦的声音让泰根感到恶心
We don't know that Lauren's voice made Tegan sick.
也不能排除这个原因
We don't know that it didn't.
我们需要调查清楚
It needs to be investigated.
《木偶新知》让我厌烦是什么东西
What's #InTheKnowMakesMeBlow?
是我创建的一个不和谐群
It's a Discord group I created.
费比安 你不觉得
Fabian, don't you think
你在夸大事实吗
you're blowing this whole thing out of proportion?
当劳伦用那他声音
I refuse to be silent
吓坏美国大众时 我拒绝沉默
while Lauren terrorizes America with his wet vowels.
他们提前下播了
They cut it short.
劳伦 我真遗憾
Oh, Lauren, I'm so sorry.
我猜泰根还是莎拉出现了月经痉挛
Tegan or Sara had what I assume were moontime cramps.
奇怪的是她们俩没有同时发作
But it's odd that Tegan or Sara didn't have them too
她们的经期应该同步才对
because their cycles must be synced.
除非有一个怀孕了
Unless one of them is pregnant.
怀着双胞胎
With twins.
劳伦 那不是经期痉挛
Lauren, it wasn't moontime cramps.
是你声音引起的
It was your voice.
荒谬
Absurd.
还有 假如 我是说假如
Also, if, and I mean if
这事跟我的声音有关
my voice had anything to do with it,
那也是因为卡尔的古董机器
it's because of Carl's antique machinery.
打住
Stop right there!
那可是雅马哈TF3调音台
That's a Yamaha TF3 console.
它有48个通道 25个电动推杆
It has 48 channels, 25 motorized faders,
和8个特效处理器
and eight FX processors.
如果真有上帝 她都会通过这个麦克风来说话
If there is a God, she mics up through that.
那不然你怎么解释
Well, then how else do you explain it?
卡尔加里的女王们让我感到苏格拉底式的忧郁
The Queens of Calgary just left me with Socratic blue balls.
人数壮大了
Oh, the community grows.
现在有五个勇敢的受害者
There are now five courageous victims
使用《木偶新知》让我厌烦这个话题
using the hashtag #InTheKnowMakesMeBlow.
大家好
Hello.
我们在这里派对吗
We partying up in here?
不是 是讨论呕吐
No, like blow chunks.
说个故事 有一次我给一个
I blew a guy named Chunks once.
叫大块头的吹♥萧♥
Just for the story.
结果我们来了一发
We ended up falling in fucking love.
劳伦 你的声音没什么问题
Lauren, there's nothing wrong with your voice.
如果有人感到不适 他们完全可以不听
And if it makes anyone sick, they can just not tune in.
真的吗
Really?
你能告诉一个坐轮椅的人
Would you tell a person who uses a wheelchair
不进没有坡道的建筑吗
to just not enter a building without ramps?
你猜怎么着
Well, guess what?
那栋楼就是他们的家
That building is their house.
靠 不是吧
Oh, shit. For real?
听着 这18分钟的工作我们都挺累的
Listen, we've all had a long first 18 minutes of work.
知道吗
You know what?
推特里全是俄♥罗♥斯♥的机器人回复
Twitter is an echo chamber of Russian bots.
我们跟听众直播连线
Let's go live to the listeners
问问他们对我的声音有什么感受
and ask them what they think of my voice.
劳伦 我觉得没这个必要
Oh, Lauren, I really don't think that's necessary.
下午好 听众朋友们
Good afternoon, folks.
一些网络水军声称
Some internet trolls have claimed
我的声音让人恶心
that my voice causes nausea.
如果你或你亲属受到
If you or a family member has been a victim
劳伦·凯斯宾声音的毒害
of Lauren Caspian's sound poisoning,
请你们马上打进电♥话♥
please call in now.
勇敢地用你的声音让他闭嘴
Use your voice to bravely silence his.
我们想收到你们的回复 亲爱的粉丝朋友们
We want to hear from you, our beloved fans.
你好
Hello, caller.
现在是直播连线 -嗨
You're on the air. - Um, hi.
我是来自斯塔顿岛的达里尔
My name's Darryl from Staten Island.
那个岛叫斯塔顿
Ah. The island that is Staten.