木偶新知（2024）

And she outweighs me by about 50 pounds,
所以我们之间的性张力转换
so we have a pretty complicated
非常复杂
sexual power dynamic.
她把我像沙袋一样扔来扔去
She throws me around like a little bag of sand.
赞 好性感啊
I love that. It's hot.
我觉得自己是个智性恋
I like to think of myself as a sapiosexual.
性感的思想会让我性♥欲♥爆棚
I'm sexually attracted to ideas.
你觉得大家应该给这类话题
Do you think that that should be given
更多的讨论空间吗
more space in the conversation,
尤其是我们当下在进行的这一场
specifically ours that we're having right now?
对 我觉得大家
Yeah, I think people absolutely--
我觉得这样的人不在少数
I think that's absolutely a thing.
我曾读柏拉图的《洞穴》读到勃起
I once got an erection from reading Plato's "The Cave."
你有心理医生吗
Do you have a therapist?
我去 那是臭鼬吗
Oh, shit, is that a skunk?
你不能未经主人和宠物同意
You can't look at someone's pet cam
就看人家的宠物摄像头
without the consent of the caregiver and the pet.
那是你的宠物
That's your pet?
太棒了
Awesome.
她叫伯蒂
Her name is Bertie.
她是我从街上救下来的
I rescued her from the streets.
她当时以垃圾为食了
She was literally eating trash.
我们选择对方做家人
She's my chosen family.
"改变别人的生活"会不会
Does giving someone's life a makeover
与"自我接纳"相矛盾呢
sometimes work against the goal of self-acceptance.
你是如何将这两点结合在一起的
How do you marry those two together?
对 我觉得这是个好问题
Yeah, I think-- That's a good question.
我不认为这些是二元对立的
I don't think that those are, like, binary.
我认为可以通过很多方法去
Um, I think that there's ways for us to, like, explore--
你中西部的脑子是被上帝吓坏了吗
Have you lost your God-fearing Midwestern mind?
我正在录节目呢
I am mid-interview.
对不起 劳伦
I'm sorry, Lauren.
我只是担心那位无家可归的朋友
I'm just worried about our unhoused friend.
我敲门他没回应
He's not responding when I knock.
他...他有可能生病了
He--he could be sick.
你有权决定谁病了谁没有是吧
And I suppose you get to decide who's sick,
拉契特护士
Nurse Ratchet.
肯·凯西给我看过
Oh, Ken Kesey once showed me an early draft
《飞越疯人院》的初稿
of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest,"
当时剧本的名字还叫
when it was still called
《未命名的精神病院喜剧》
"Untitled Mental Hospital Comedy."
我天啊
My God.
你把打手都叫来了 -那是特里
You called in your goons. - That's Terry.
他是维修主管
He's the maintenance supervisor.
他有浴室钥匙 还会心肺复苏术
He's got a bathroom key, and he knows CPR.
接下来是什么 叫警♥察♥吗
What's next--the police?
你想用催泪瓦斯把这人赶走 -不 我
You want to tear-gas this man? - Well, no, I--
警♥察♥有必要出动坦克吗 芭布
Why do the police need a tank, Barb?
回答我 -我不知道
Tell me. - I-I don't know.
回答她的问题 芭布 警♥察♥有必要出动坦克吗
Answer her question, Barb. Why do the police need a tank?
回答我 芭布 -我不知道
Answer my question, Barb. - I don't know.
你想用催泪瓦斯对付这个人?
You want to tear-gas this man?
哦 不不 -出动坦克吗
Oh, no. No. - With a tank?
你要投掷一罐催泪瓦斯吗
You want a tank full of tear gas?
没有 -她都口吐白沫了
No. - She's foaming at the mouth.
让我把话说清楚
Let me be absolutely clear.
谁也不要去打扰那个无家可归者
No one will disturb that precious unhoused man.
谁要是敢打扰 我就会在数百万人的节目上
And if they do, I will personally call them out
人肉曝光他
live on air in front of millions.
我们平均只有3万名听众
We average 30,000 listeners.
说完了
We're done here.
告诉我民♥主♥该有的样子
Tell me what democracy looks like.
这就是民♥主♥该有的样子
This is what democracy looks like.
不是不接纳自己
...Be a matter of, like, not accepting yourself.
我觉得这更像是在探索
I think it's really more of a matter of, like, exploration
找到一种最能体现你自己的东西
and finding what makes you feel the most embodied.
很抱歉我错过了很大一部分
Mm. I'm sorry. I missed most of that.
我刚去救人了
I was saving a man's life.
谁 就刚才吗
Who-- Just now?
是的
Yeah.
有个无家可归者
There's an unhoused man who is currently--
居无定所者
A person who's experiencing homelessness?
真♥他♥妈♥ 这是他们最不...
Fucking-- I mean, that's the least of their--
我还有最后一个问题
I have one final question.
好的
Okay.
作为一个身体条件占优的偶像人物
Is being a body-positivity icon--
这是否有跟气候变化否认者有点像呢
Is it a bit like being a climate-change denier,
因为你可以忽略自身问题所在的领域
in--in that you have to ignore your problem areas
就像美国忽视我们自身的问题一样
much like America ignores ours?
不 因为我认为 "问题所在的领域"
No, because I think that the idea of the problem area
这个概念是我们想象出来的
is, like, a figment of our imagination.
这种东西不存在的
Like, there is no such thing.
如果你的下背部有
What if you have hyperintense localized eczema
高信♥号♥♥局部湿疹呢
on your lower back?
我明白 但你仍漂亮依旧 可操依旧
I get it, and you're still gorgeous and fuckable.
你刚才说我很可操
Did you just say I was fuckable?
每个人都很漂亮 很可操
Everyone is gorgeous and fuckable.
只要你们是两个自愿的成年人 亲爱的
As long as you're, like, consenting adults, honey...
你就很可操
You're fuckable.
就凭这句话 亲爱的朋友
And that, my dear friend,
你就是同性恋界的马尔科姆·艾克斯
is why you're the Malcolm X of the gay community.
谢谢
Thank you.
我们的节目到此结束
And that is our show.
最后 我想为全国各地
In conclusion, I'd like to take a moment of silence.
卫生间里的无家可归者
There are unhoused people
默哀一分钟
in bathrooms all over this country.
让我们停下来 听一听他们的声音
Let's take a pause to listen to them.
不是字面意思上的听 显然不是
Not literal-- Not literally, obviously.
他们在卫生间是有隐私权的
They deserve privacy in the bathroom.
亲爱的朋友们
And that, my dear friends,
这才叫专业整活儿
is the ball game.
蔡斯 我的康普茶
Chase, my kombucha, please.
该死 最后一瓶我给凯文了
Oh, shit, pretty sure I gave the last one to Kevin.
谁是凯文 -卫生间那家伙
Who's Kevin? - Dude in the bathroom.
你想吃点我的肉干吗
You want some of my power jerky, though?
这是猪肉的副产品
It's a pork byproduct
混了一点非常温和的可♥卡♥因♥
dusted with a very gentle strain of cocaine.
蔡斯 我的下播康普茶不是普通的小零食
Chase, my post-show kombucha isn't just a treat.
也是一种医用级别的
It's a prescription-strength blend
酵母和细菌培养物（文化）
of yeast and bacteria cultures.
也是你唯一尊重的文化了
The only cultures you seem to respect.
太可怕了
This is terrible.
你还好吗 劳伦
Are you okay, Lauren?
我的肠胃精准得如同一口瑞士钟
My bowels are a delicately constructed Swiss clock,
一点小小小的不规律 就会导致时间终结
and the smallest irregularity can trigger the end of time.
所有人都让开 我要去洗手间
Everyone out of the way. I need to get to the bathroom.
洗手间有人 记得吗
The bathroom's occupied, remember?
天啊 那个无家可归者
Good God, the unhoused man.
居无定所者
The person currently without--
我没时间了
I don't have time!
哦不
Oh, no.
蔡斯 我恐慌发作了
Chase, I'm panicking.
你得背我去星巴克
You're going to have to carry me to the Starbucks.
我没法一边走路 一边集中注意力
I-I can't walk and focus on not going to the restroom
不拉到裤子里
in my pants at the same time.
不可能的 伙计
No way, my guy.
我才不要在你拉裤子时
I'm not carrying you eight blocks
背着你走个8个街区
while you shit your pants.
不如让特里把流浪汉赶走
You want Terry to ask the homeless guy to leave?
不 不用了
No, I'm fine.
这是他的卫生间 也是我的