木偶新知（2024）

引诱他们进入你的圈套 -对
You lure them into your trap? - Yep.
然后你给他们一击 这就是搞笑的部分
And then you give them a punch, which is the funny part.
就像猎人的陷阱困住了熊腿
That's when like a bear trap captures the bear leg.
而转折则是出人意料的事情
And then a twist is something unexpected.
一个按钮就结束了这个故事
And a button would be like the end of it.
从来没想到喜剧中充斥着
I never realized how much
这么多暴♥力♥语言
the language of violence pervades comedy.
首先要设陷阱 然后要打击他们
First, you set them up, then you punch them,
再扭转他们 扣上扣子
then you twist them and then you button up
把尸袋套在他们残缺不全的尸体上
the body bag over their mangled corpse.
对 就像那种博普游戏
Yeah. Or it's like one of them Bop It games.
没错 当那些啮齿动物出现时
Yes, exactly, when there's those rodents that appear
你就用木槌敲打它们
and you bop them with the mallet.
是这样吗
Is that right?
不是 我说的是玩具 跳一跳 扭一扭 拉出来
No, I meant the toy, like bop it, twist it, pull it.
打地鼠
Whac-a-mole.
不是 就叫博普 是一种游戏名
No, it's called Bop It. You know, it's like a game.
是黑人玩的 玩的过程中会说"博普"
It's a black thing. It says "Bop It" in the middle.
然后 -是黑人玩的
And then-- - It's a Black thing.
怪不到我听不懂
That's why I don't understand.
我绝对不会挪用文化
And I would never appropriate the culture.
博普 就像嘻哈文化
Bop It. It's like hip-hop it and bop it.
这是黑人的文化
And this is a Black thing.
除非受邀 否则我是永远不会
And I would never deign to enter into
贸然进入那个文化空间的
that cultural space unless invited.
下面我们换个话题
Now, we're going to try something next
我给你讲个笑话
where I tell you a joke
你解释给我它的好笑之处
and then you explain to me why it is funny.
好吗 -好的
Is that all right? - Okay, yes.
希♥特♥勒♥为什么不喝龙舌兰酒
Why didn't Hitler drink tequila?
为什么
Why?
会让他变得尖刻 你能解释这个笑话吗
It made him mean. Can you explain that joke?
我想它的好笑之处就在于
Um, I guess it's a joke because
希♥特♥勒♥本人不需要龙舌兰就很尖刻了
Hitler was already very mean and he didn't need the tequila?
请你就此打住 妮可
I'm going to stop you right there, Nicole.
尖刻远不足以描述希♥特♥勒♥这个人
I think it's an understatement to describe Hitler as mean.
好吧
Okay?
我必须 我喜欢你的工作
And I have to-- And I love your work
是仰慕你的粉丝
and I admire you as a fan,
但我不得不对此提出异议
but I have to take issue with that.
好
Okay.
如果你要描述阿道夫·希♥特♥勒♥
If you're going to describe Adolf Hitler...
嗯
Uh-huh.
如果仅仅说这个种族灭绝者和刽子手
Ethnic cleanser and executioner of the masses,
只是尖刻的话 -嗯
as simply mean... - Yeah.
我有必要请你使用更强烈的词汇
I have to ask you to use stronger language.
对 粗鲁 下流
Yeah. Rude, nasty...
下流 -粗俗
Nasty. - Vulgar.
很好 你总算有点感觉了
Good. Now we're getting somewhere.
他是个粗俗下流的人
He was a vulgar, nasty boy.
对 非常下流
Yeah, very nasty boy.
我不...我不喜欢他
And I don't-- I don't like him.
大家的评论如何
What are people saying?
这家伙看起来就像会带来流产的鹳鸟
"This guy looks like the stork who brings miscarriages."
这话太难听了
Wow, that is so mean.
这个老乡的脸比魔鬼的便便还难看
"Homeboy face uglier than the devil's doo-doo."
恶心
Yikes.
他的表情就是一针见血的
"His face looks like the physical manifestation
代名词
of the word touché."
芭芭拉 我觉得那个词应该说是"说得很好"
Barb, I think it's pronounced tushy.
谁来把这个悲哀的假阳♥具♥扔回垃圾桶
"Someone put this tragic dildo back in the trash."
好消息是
Well, the good news is that
虽然观众都在无情地侮辱劳伦的外貌
while viewers are brutally insulting Lauren's appearance,
但是好像没人犯恶心
no one seems to be throwing up.
妮可·拜尔 你觉得我的声音令人恶心吗
Nicole Byer, do you think my voice is disgusting?
我不觉得令人恶心
I do not think your voice is disgusting.
要说的话 是很令人安心
If anything, I think it's very soothing.
谢谢 -不客气
Thank you. - You're welcome.
因为网上有一些水军
Because there's some trolls on the internet,
很少一撮 但是他们一直强调
a very small number, but they've been quite emphatic
我的声音令他们想呕吐
that my voice makes them want to spew.
不
No.
如果你的声音是这样
I mean, if you sounded like this,
也许我会感到不舒服
then maybe I'd be upset about it.
但是你没有
But you don't sound like that.
所以如果我的声音有点像乡巴佬路易斯·阿姆斯特朗
So if I sound sort of like a hillbilly Louis Armstrong,
那么他们的观点就有立足点
then they would have a foot to stand on.
不过就目前的情况来看 他们的说辞毫无根据
But as it currently stands, they have no foot to stand on.
毫无根据 -没立足点
No feet. - Zero feet.
他们被打败了
They've been befeeted.
对 他们被打败了 -嗯
They've been befeeted, yes. - Mm.
你真睿智 拜尔女士
You're wise, Ms. Byer.
因此我不会为任何人改变我的声音
And that is why I won't change my voice
或者我的身体
or my body for anybody.
用夏奇拉·阿奎莱拉的话来说
And in the words of Shakira Aguilera,
流言打不倒我的
"Words can't bring me down."
你说的是夏奇拉·阿奎莱拉吗 -没错
Did you say Shakira Aguilera? - That's correct.
好
Okay.
我是劳伦·凯斯宾 与妮可·拜尔一起
I'm Lauren Caspian with Nicole Byer,
今天就到此为止
and we are enough.
切
And cut.
干得漂亮 各位
Great work, guys!
真急死人了
Oh! What a rush.
我感觉自己充满了力量
I feel so empowered.
评论区怎么说
What were the comments like?
重要的是没人呕吐
The important thing is no one got sick.
偶滴天
Holy shit!
有刚刚看直播的人死翘翘了
Someone watching the live stream just died.
什么
What?
是因为劳伦
And it's because of Lauren.
你凭什么这么说
How could you possibly know that?
这家伙评论到 天哪 我这是怎么了
The guy commented, "Oh, God. What's happening to me?
这里好热 我要死了 我要没命了
"It's so hot in here. I'm going to die. I'm dying.
是你干的
You did this."
在你鲜血灌溉的土地上
"In the soil watered by your blood,
革命之树会茁壮成长
the tree of revolution will grow."
是 听众死亡是很严重的事
Yes, the death of a listener is serious.
请向赞助商转达我们的歉意
Please relay our apologies to our sponsors.
贷款树公♥司♥也要撤资吗
LendingTree is pulling out too?
不 拜托告诉他们
No, please tell them that we still
我们还有很多在世的观众
have plenty of living audience members
需要奇怪的小♥额♥贷♥款♥
who need weird, little loans.
劳伦在哪儿
Where's Lauren?
我在策划他受害者的葬礼
I'm planning his victim's funeral,
需要他的信♥用♥卡♥号♥码
and I need his credit card number.
嗨 蔡丝 你见到劳伦了吗
Hey, Chase, have you seen Lauren?
好多年没见过他了
I haven't seen him in years.
什么
What?
他的笑声就像露营帐篷上的雨滴
His laugh was like raindrops on a camping tent.
他的猪肉超级棒
And his hog was awesome.
你这是怎么了
Whoa, what happened to you?
听听你自己的声音
Did you listen to yourself?
我喝了太多的润喉茶
I OD'd on throat comfort tea
不得不跑去洗胃
and had to get my stomach pumped.
可你的声音还是一点没变
And yet, your voice sounds the same.
我来只是为了录制辞职视频
I'm only here to record a resignation video.
《真爱至上》的风格 不要声音
"Love Actually" style, no audio.
悲惨的时代 老兄
Tragic times, dude.
可是劳伦 你这幅样子不能录节目
But, Lauren, you can't go on looking like that.
不然可能又害死别人
Someone else might die.