木偶新知（2024）

你从哪里买♥♥的 台♥湾♥吗
Where'd you get them, Taiwan?
我确实得坐纽新捷运去泽西
I did actually have to take the PATH out to Jersey.
奶头就像小桶 但啤酒才是奶
Boobs are like a keg, but the beer is milk.
嘿
Hey.
嘿
Hey.
哦 该死
Oh, shit!
嘿 -伙计
Hey! - Dude.
该死 该死
Shit. Shit.
我要被拖进黑洞了
It's dragging me into a black hole!
桑迪 桑迪
Sandy! Sandy!
因此 这不是家具 而是清洁用品
Ergo, it is not furniture, but a cleaning supply.
什么
What?
非要我说出来吗 芭芭拉
You need me to spell it out, Barb?
今天是最后一...
Today's the last--
桑迪被卷进机器里了 搞不好已经死了
Sandy's inside a machine and might be dead.
我正在和过去融为一体
I'm merging with the past.
亲娘咧
Oh, my God.
怎么了 哦
What is--oh.
桑迪 冷静点
Sandy, stay calm.
它以为我的身体就是奶头
It thinks my whole body's a tit!
你现在没事了
You're okay now.
都结束了
It's over.
好吧 真是美妙的时光
All right, beautiful moment.
走吧 劳伦
Let's go, Laur.
你们要去哪里
Where are you going?
我要去快嘴传媒当主持人
I'm going to be a host at Amuse Bouche Media.
我要走了
I'm leaving.
他要走了 劳伦不干了
He's leaving. Lauren's out.
什么 -得了吧
What? - Oh, come on.
你早该知道的
You didn't see it coming?
牛逼的劳伦·凯斯宾不会
Lauren fucking Caspian isn't gonna
和你们这些窝囊废一起虚度光阴
waste away with you losers.
我不会虚...
I'm not gonna waste away--
我们没必要叫他们窝囊废
We don't have to call them losers.
你是认真的吗
Are you being serious right now?
看看这群人
Look at this group of people.
看看这群恶梦般的奇葩
Look at this dreadful group of humans.
这家伙长得活像个十八线木乃伊
I mean, this guy looks like a C-list mummy man.
你懂的 就是那种被扔进金字塔
You know, one of those guys they threw in the pyramids
给法老当陪葬的家伙
so the pharaoh would have company.
淡定点 吉恩
Easy, Gene.
这位就活像是莉娜·邓纳姆
This one over here is like if Lena Dunham
跟自己生的孩子
had a kid with Lena Dunham
又是被一对莉娜· 邓纳姆养大的
and was raised by an au pair Lena Dunham.
不是 好吧
No. Yeah.
你说的很不可思议 但也很刻薄
I mean, it's uncanny, but it's mean.
拜托
Oh, come on!
看看这家伙
Look at this guy.
书呆子
Nerd.
钢铁直男
Straight up.
你冷静点
Just cool it.
饶了我吧
Give me a break.
这位看起来活像一个身心受创的小姑娘
This one looks like a sad child who dressed up
还穿着她爸的破毛衣
in her father's ugly sweater.
不
No.
这件毛衣其实是我死去丈夫的
It actually belonged to my deceased husband.
他是被时尚警♥察♥击毙的吗
Was he shot by the fashion police?
这才是我想问的
That's my question.
吉恩 够了
Gene, enough!
我只是想开个玩笑
I'm just having some fun.
不 这一点都不好玩！
No, this isn't fun!
我不知道在有钱人的
I don't know how things work
运动休闲世界是什么样的
in the world of luxury athleisure.
但是在NPR 有钱并不意味着
But here at NPR, having money doesn't mean
就可以如此残忍♥
you get to be cruel.
但是劳伦 这些人烂透了
But Lauren, these people suck.
也许是吧
Maybe they do.
但他们也是我的朋友
But they're also my friends.
我不会干站着
And I'm not gonna just stand here
看你嘲笑她死去丈夫的丑衣服
and let you ridicule their dead husband's horrible clothes.
得了吧
Come on.
不 我觉得你该走了
No, I think it's time for you to leave.
你和马尔科姆·格拉德威尔的鸡♥巴♥
You're probably late for an Indian lunch
约的印度午餐会要迟到了
with Malcolm Gladwell's dirty old penis.
你还想要支票吗
Do you still want the check?
要 谢谢
Yes, please.
好吧 你已经拿不到了
Yeah. Well, you're not gonna get it.
去你的 你们都滚蛋
Fuck you. And fuck them.
别再盯着我了
Stop looking at me.
怪胎
Weirdos.
那个送给赞助人的烂礼物
And fuck whatever the hell that lame-ass gift for donors
也给我滚
was supposed to be.
该死了
Oh, shoot.
那是一个小型蓝牙播放器
It is a small Bluetooth speaker
还可以用钩子夹在你的腰带上
that clips onto your belt loop with a carabiner,
你这个自大的王八蛋
you arrogant sack of shit!
卡尔 把我的麦克风开大点 我们走吧
Carl, turn up my mic. Let's go!
没问题
You got it.
听好了 你们这些傻♥逼♥
Listen up, all you needle-dicked,
新自♥由♥主义者 尿裤子的混♥蛋♥
neoliberal, piss pants pricks.
我受够这些烂事了
I am done messing around!
赞助人 我们会送给你们
Donate, and we will give you
一个他妈的小蓝牙音箱
a motherfucking small Bluetooth speaker that
你可以用他妈的钩子夹在你的腰带上
clips onto your belt loop with a motherfucking carabiner.
大小正好可以塞进你们的小屁♥眼♥
It is the perfect size to shove up your little buttholes.
但不要只相信我的一面之词
But don't just take my word for it.
现在就捐款 然后回家自己玩儿蛋去吧 变♥态♥们
Pledge right now and see for yourself, perverts!
费比安下线
Fabian out!
我就操了
Holy shit.
我想在内心深处 公共广播的听众们
I guess deep down, public radio listeners
就是一群拿绩效工资的社畜
are just a bunch of progressive pay pigs
巴不得走向毁灭
begging to get dommed.
谁知道呢
Who knew?
救护车还有
And how long will it take the ambulance
多长时间来
to get here?
瞧
Voila.
桑迪 这就像鸡♥巴♥界的蒙娜丽莎
Sandy, that's like the "Mona Lisa" of wieners.
她在笑什么
What's she smiling about?
这里属于谁
Whose house?
属于我们
Our house.
吉恩肯定会告我们的
Gene's definitely going to sue us.
桑迪 不
Sandy, no!