良师难为（2024）

你还有办诗歌♥朗诵会吗？
You still do those, uh, poetry jams?
没有，那是个艺术音乐研讨会罢了，大学毕业后就没办了
No, that was just at A&M. I stopped after college.
我超想念大学那些社团的
Oh. I miss those college parties.
我还记得，你当初拒绝用数字相机拍照
I remember you, like, refused to take photos with a digital camera.
我说：“我只用底片拍照”
You'd be like, "I only use real film."
嘿啦... -那时你还留狼尾头呢
Right. Right. Right. - And you had that mullet.
我现在已不是以前那样了
I'm much less of a loser now.
你在这教什么呢？-我教英文
And what do you do here? Oh. - I teach English.
各位好
Hey, guys.
今天很荣幸 向大家介绍一位特别的朋友
Um, I would like to introduce you today to a very special friend of mine.
这位是“夏珊”
This is Shazam.
哈罗...各位小帅哥们，大家好
Hello, hello, my little babies. Hello.
嗨，夏珊 -嗨
Hi, Shazam. - Hi.
夏珊以前在大学时是变装皇后
Shazam was the queen of drag back in college.
现在，她在奥斯汀有一档名为《完美女神》的长♥期♥节目
那档秀取消了
And now, she has a long-running show in Austin called Woman of La Mancha.
那场秀现在变成《周二欢乐夜》
That actually got canceled. The show is now called Drink Ticket Tuesday.
所以当你们成年后
When you are old enough to drink,
或许可以去那喝一杯，别说是我讲的
maybe you can go check that out, or don't tell anybody I said that.
所以，你是...男的？
So, are you, like, a dude?
我是像男生，对，就跟你们一样
I'm like a dude. Yeah, I'm cool like you guys.
我是个帅哥，平时就宅在家
I'm a cool dude. I sit home. I wear tube socks.
我会穿筒袜，会擤鼻涕，有体毛
I blow my nose. I have hair.
但当她换上这一身装扮时，她就是夏珊
But when she's dressed like this, she is Shazam.
当我穿成这样
When I'm dressed like this,
我就是你们的妈妈桑
I'm your mama.
好吧
Okay.
快速问一下，有人有养雪貂吗？
Quick question: Does anybody own a ferret?
他们有没有养雪貂？
我只是想跟孩子们打成一片啊
- Do they have ferrets? - I'm just trying to connect with the kids.
他们又不是八岁小孩
They're not eight.
我又不知道他们几岁
I don't know how old they are.
这么说吧，各位
Here's the deal, guys.
夏珊将会教各位，怎么打扮成女生
Shazam is gonna teach you guys the proper way to dress like a girl.
正确的穿着，所以就会有点像是 你们初次体验喝酒或嗑药的情况
The right way. You know, it's a little bit like if you're gonna drink
我劝你还是在自家体验就好
or experiment with drugs, I'd rather you do it in the house.
这例子举的太烂
That's not a great example.
但她跟我呢，将指导你们怎么打扮
But she and I, we're gonna be your coaches in this.
那个...是真的奶吗？我是说，你怎么会有胸部？
Them, like, real titties? Or, like, what you got going on?
亲爱的，不是，这是假奶
Honey. No, this is a breastplate.
看起来很棒，对吧？像真的一样
It looks great, right? Very realistic.
对啊，看起来好赞 -这个叫“假奶围兜”
Yeah, it looks awesome. - We call it a titty bib.
这个叫做“前蕾丝假发”
And this is a lace-front wig.
我妈也有 -好的
My mom has that. - Okay.
那么...是不是也有给小♥弟♥弟♥用的假道具？
So, is there, like, a titty bib for your dick too?
还是有什么其他道具？-对，像我就是有包起来
Or, like, where's that at?Yes, I am tucked.
像是一种罩子或是杯罩那样 那个作用就是...
It's like a jockstrap or like a cup. - It just kind of...
那小♥弟♥弟♥会弹出来吗？ 会，所以
Does it pop in? - Yeah, I tie it
我把它绑在蛋蛋后面 然后整个拉到屁♥股♥那边
on the end of a ping-pong ball and shove it up my ass.
不要笑，那样很没礼貌
不会啊，想笑尽管笑
Don't laugh. That's rude.
所以我说，夏珊非常有趣
Yeah. No, no. You guys can laugh. This is what I'm saying.
变装也是可以很有趣的
Shazam is very funny. Drag can be very funny.
所以，如果你们要参加粉扑赛表演
So, if you guys, for this Powderpuff performance,
而不是讽刺变装的话
instead of doing joke drag
还是半变装或是穿女装卖♥♥萌之类的
or half drag or just the cheerleading outfits,
如果你们真心想做，那正宗的变装就是这样
if you just do authentic, real drag like this,
这样多元性别联盟就不会靠夭了
then the LGBTQ Alliance cannot be upset.
所以，你要我们穿成这样？
So, you want us dress like this?
帅哥，我不认为你有种穿成这样
Oh, honey. I don't think you have the balls to dress like this.
你们看...这不就对了，就是这样啊
And that-- This is good. This is the thing.
她理解你们，你们也懂她的意思...
She just read you, and you can read her back and--
而且我是速读高手呢，崔尔 -真假
And I'm an accelerated reader, Tray. - Damn.
变装讲求的是自我展现
讲的是活出自信
Drag is about self-expression. About being larger than life.
夏珊在读大学时，有个座右铭
叫做“我们不摆烂
Shazam used to have a motto in college, used to say, "We don't mark it, baby"--
要做就全力以赴“ -”全力以赴“
We do everything full-out. -"We go full-out."
摆烂是什么意思？-就是...
What is "mark it"? - It's like--
就是你做事不尽全力
When you don't go all the way on something.
对啊，像是...这样要死不活的
Yeah, it's like, one, two, three, four.
你应该要这样才对...
You know, you wanna be like--
就像你们打球时随便打打那样
Like when you don't hustle in football.
懂了
Oh. Okay.
我们要全力以赴了，大家准备好了吗？也许？
We're gonna go all out. You guys on board? Maybe?
豁出去了
Fuck it.
反正最后一年了，给夏珊教练打气吧
It's my senior year. Let's get it for Coach Shazam.
好耶 -出发
Yeah! - Let's go.
莎拉，你抱住球，要把球传给...
Sarah, you hold the ball, you're gonna hike it to--
传给谁？-传给四分卫
To who? - To the quarterback.
传给四分卫，没错，太好了
To the quarterback. Yes, amazing. Great.
好，一但你接到球了，你要把球传给...
Once you catch it, you're just gonna throw it to-- Who?
给谁？-给接球员
To the receiver.
艾拉，接住
Ella, catch it.
好，太棒了
Yes, I love this!
好，接着你接住球后...
Okay. So, once you catch it--
这个我知道，你们要去擒抱她，对吧？
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ah, ah!
I know this. You guys are all gonna tackle her, okay?
你们要去抓住她 -等等，不是...
You're gonna get her. - Wait, are--
用力撞向她！挺胸！
Put your body into her! Chest forward!
等等，不是只要扯掉腰旗就可以了吗？
Wait. - Wait, aren't we playing flag football?
对 -不对
Yes. Yes. - No. What?
什么？-对，腰旗美式橄榄球
Flag football. - No.
不对啊，为什么不玩擒抱式的？
Why wouldn't they play tackle football?
这样她们才不会伤了自己或是她人啊
So they don't injure themselves or each other.
你在开玩笑吗？
Are you kidding?
没有 -天哪，又来了
No. - I mean, God, here we go.
女生不可以弄伤其他人
Girls aren't allowed to hurt anyone.
所以我们才老是被人绑♥架♥
This is why we get kidnapped.
只要有人说：“给我上车”
Someone says, "Get in my car," we go along with it
我们就只能乖乖配合，因为我们不想伤了他们幼小的心灵
'cause we don't wanna hurt their feelings,
结果对方是变♥态♥杀人魔 这是足球场耶
and it turns out to be the killer. This is a football field.
只是一场比赛 不需要担心什么变♥态♥杀人魔之类的
It's a game. We're not worried about killers.
没人会对你下手 -你说什么？
You're not. - Excuse me?
教练，你可以独自一人，在半夜走去停车场开车
Coach Hillridge, you can walk to your car alone at night
不需要担心有人会想杀掉你
without thinking that someone's gonna kill you.
你也可以半夜独自一人走去开车啊
You can walk alone to your car tonight as well.
不要把车停在烂区就好 -最好是这样...
Just don't park in a shit neighborhood. - Okay, okay.
你是开玩笑的吧？ -我没有啊
You're kidding, right? - I'm not.
我是个体重110磅的女生
I'm a 110-pound girl.
整个世界对我来说，全都是“烂区”
The whole world is a bad neighborhood to me.
说到重点了 -你知道吗？
That part. - You know what?
我觉得你应该不懂女生的弱势在哪
I don't think you know what it's like to be a woman.
显然就是 -这不是重点
That's not the point.
你此生最大的恐惧是被人取笑
Your biggest fear is getting made fun of.
我们此生最大的恐惧是被性侵杀害
Our biggest fear is getting raped and killed.
学生们不需要听到这些话
Whoa! Whoa, whoa. The girls do not need to hear about this.
这些她们早就听到腻了
They hear about this all the time.
我去参观德克萨斯州大时，大家都在谈论这件事
When I toured Texas State, this is, like, all they talked about.
他们有展示那些紧急求救柱在哪吗？
Did they show you where all those emergency poles are
万一在校园里遇到变♥态♥杀手时怎么办？
in case you're getting serial killed at college?
有啊，必须要让大家知道 -没错
Yeah, they had to. - Exactly.
好了，首先呢...
Okay. First and foremost,
我们不是要谈校园里会不会出现，变♥态♥杀人魔这件事
we're not talking about getting serial killed at college.
这是粉扑大赛，是好玩的活动，好吗？
This is Powderpuff. This is fun, okay?
如果她们无法抵御这世界的恶意
How do you expect them to defend themselves on the field...
她们怎么会有办法
Mmm. - ...if they can't defend themselves
在球场上抵御对手攻击呢？
out in the world?
她们该怎么抵御“公路变♥态♥杀人魔”？
How are they gonna defend themselves against someone like the Highway Killer?
天哪 -谁是公路变♥态♥杀人魔啊?
Oh, my God. - Who's the Highway Killer?
播客啊，“公路变♥态♥杀人魔”，“极速杀人犯”
The podcast. The Highway Killer: Murder at the Speed of Death.
没错，还挺好玩的
Yeah. It's really good.
这两者之间的化学效应 -是啊
The chemistry between the two of them. - Yeah.