良师难为（2024）

《红色英勇勋章》
天哪
Oh, my God.
我一直在抖音上看到
I've been getting all these TikTok algorithms
关于如何摆放客厅沙发的推荐视频
about where to put your couch in your house.
如果你把沙发稍微倾斜摆放会怎样？
What if you just put your couch at, like, a slight angle?
这样你就可以稍微侧个身子看电视了
That way you can watch TV at, like, a slight angle.
这些作文每一篇都写得很烂
Every single one of these essays is so bad.
你说的是《红色英勇勋章》期中考论文吗？
This is the, like, Red Badge of Courage midterm paper thing?
我看是《红色英勇勋章》垃圾论文吧
Red Badge of Courage garbage paper, I guess. It's, like...
我不懂学生们为何看不懂这本书，明明那么简单
I don't know how these kids didn't get this book. It's so simple.
不过就是一个年轻人上战场，还有懦弱跟荣誉的故事
Like, a young kid goes off to war. Cowardice, honor.
这篇论文开头居然是“嘿”
This essay just starts with the word "hey."
“嘿，《红色英勇勋章》讲的是有关勇气的故事”
"Hey, The Red Badge of Courage is a book about courage."
“嘿”...听起来真的烂
Hey, that sounds bad.
我是个善良、有耐心的老师，也许是我太放纵了
I'm a kind, patient teacher. Maybe I've been too lenient.
你知道吗？说真的，我猜他们根本没看书
You know what? Honestly, I bet they didn't even read the book.
可能是偷用了“快易通摘要”这种工具
They probably used Biff Notes. What's Biff Notes?
“精读笔记”跟“速读笔记”一样吗？
That's like CliffsNotes? He's, like, a TikTok book guy.
是一个抖音文学博主，专门摘要跟分♥析♥高中课本
He summarizes, like, high school books.
我不记得有看过这个
I don't think I've seen him.
他是个酷儿哦，酷儿捏？
He's a queer guy, queer guy.
因为他是酷儿我就该认识吗？
Think I know who he is 'cause he's queer?
他跟潘吉一起跳舞了，泰勒当时不在
He did a dance with Penn Jillette, and Teller wasn't there.
这些学生是不是以为我好欺负
They just think they're gonna, like, get away with this
所以他们就可以这样为所欲为
because I'm gonna try to keep the peace and give them good grades or something.
我怎可能让他们过？
I'm not gonna do that.
想要战争是吧？放马过来啊
They wanted a war, they're gonna get a war.
“我不问，你不说” -关...
Don't ask, don't tell. Gwen.
抱歉，因为你提到战争，我就想到这句美国♥军♥队名言了
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. That was, like, the first war thing I thought of.
沙发这样放你觉得如何？
What do you think of the couch?
你有移♥动♥过吗？
You moved that?
《良师难为》
成绩下来了
Here you go.
喂...“不及格”？这什么啦？
Here you go. Yo, an F? What is this?
我没料到你会给这种成绩耶
I didn't know this was a grade you could still give out.
你没料到？-你认真的吗？
You didn't? Are you being deadass right now?
恕我直言
With all due respect.
你知道这占我们总成绩的四分之一吗？
You realize this is, like, a fourth of our grade right here?
就是说咩 -你不能这样对我们
Exactly. You can't do this.
什么我不能这样？又不是我写的，是你们写的好吗
What do you mean I can't do this? I didn't do this. You did this.
那是你们的成绩 -随便啦
This is your grade that you got. Whatever.
我给了你们一个月的时间读这本书
I gave you guys a month to read this book.
马可仕老师
你会这么生气我能理解
Mr. Marquez, your feelings are valid.
我们大家都学到教训了，所以你可以给我们打“B”
We've all learned our lesson here, and now you can give us B's.
“B”是好成绩耶 你们的文章没这水平啊
B's are good grades. You didn't earn good grades.
我是老师
这没什么好讨论了，就此打住
I am the teacher. This is not up for discussion, and that's the end of this.
我要去Backpage发广♥告♥了 因为以这样的成绩
I'm posting ads on Backpage, because with grades like this,
我就要去街角乞讨了，这位先生
I'm gonna have to hit the corner, sir.
我真是我的偶像耶，真的
You're my hero right now. Seriously.
我一直想给学生打个“不及格”
I've always wanted to fail a student. Yeah.
因为体育课不太可能会不及格
It's, like, impossible to fail someone in PE.
烂文章配烂成绩罗
They earned F's, so they get F's.
我这是为他们好
Good for them.
你真的很像那个乔治克鲁尼恶整学生的感觉
Dude, you're like George Clooney doing funnyass pranks on these kids.
我这不是恶整 这些是我给孩子们的真实成绩
It's not a prank. They're real grades that I'm giving the kids.
等一下，乔治克鲁尼有这样恶搞过？
Wait, George Clooney does pranks?
我一定要帮这些学生们考上大学
I gotta help these kids get into college.
给他们“不及格”，也许会害他们进入烂大学
So, if you're giving them F's, that can honestly be the difference
或是超级烂大学
between them getting into a shitty college and a super shitty college.
那就叫他们好好用功读书，考上好大学啊
Then get them to do the work to get into a good college, Rick.
你现在一定是疯了
Okay, you're being fucking crazy right now.
幸好我不用面对这种事
I'm just really glad I don't have to deal with any of this
因为我所有学生的成绩都有中上
'cause all of my students are well above average.
所有学生吗？
All of them? Mmhmm.
不可能你所有学生都是中上
It's impossible for all your students to be well above average.
一定有人的成绩是在中等
Some of your students must be average.
人家只是...想当好老师啊
Well, I'm just a good teacher.
为什么我...我被搞糊涂了，你在说什么？
Why would it... I'm... I'm confused. What are you saying?
我觉得你的学生一定有人作弊
I think some of your students are cheating.
我的课堂上没人作弊
No one's ever cheated in my class.
是没作弊还是没被逮到？
They're not cheating or they're not getting caught?
我跟你说，人一天到晚在作弊
Let me tell you something. People cheat all the time.
他们才没作弊 -作弊也是一种努力，无所谓
They're not cheating. Cheating is trying. It's okay.
艾文，你来一下 -什么？
Evan, come now. What?
来啊 -干嘛啦？我在吃饭耶
Come, come. Come. What? What? I'm eating.
好，你吃完了
Yeah, you're done.
为什么我收到家长投诉
Why am I getting calls from parents telling me
说你把11年级学生的英文课全部死当？
you failed a bunch of kids in your 11thgrade English class?
因为我的确当掉那些11年级学生的英文课啊
Because I failed a bunch of kids in my 11thgrade English class.
让我死了吧 他们就配得上这种成绩，葛兰
I'm gonna die. They deserve these grades, Grant.
你自己看，你看就知道了
Look at this. Mmhmm.
“身为AI语言模组，
Read that. "As an AI language model,
我无法完成您的要求”
I am not able to complete this request."
为什么他无法完成这个要求？
Why is he not able to complete this request?
这句话是“ChatGPT”的回应
It means ChatGPT wrote it.
这也不行？社会在进步耶 -你看这篇
Is that not allowed? It's the future. Look at this one.
“所以，这就是《红色英勇勋章》的故事”
Okay. "So, that's what's up with The Red Badge of Courage."
他把它划线，还放了个，戴墨镜的酷哥表情符号♥
And then he underlines it, and he puts the cool guy with sunglasses emoji.
这样意思很清楚啊 -根本是恶搞
It's a clear point of view. This is crazy.
好吧，艾文，你还记得那个家长，琳达哈里逊吗？
All right. Evan, do you remember the mom, Linda Harrison,
投诉你在她儿子面前，亲吻麦肯，记得吗？
who complained about you kissing Malcolm in front of her son?
我当然记得琳达哈里逊
Remember that? Yes, of course I remember Linda Harrison.
她把我亲吻男人视为一种罪过，企图解雇我呢
She tried to have me fired for the sin of kissing a man.
你就好死不死，当了她小儿子 -啊...靠...
Well, you just failed her younger son.
你一下课，她11秒后
Oh, shit. Mmhmm. It took her all of 11 seconds
就打电♥话♥到我办公室，要求跟你见面
after your class let out to call my office directly and demand a meeting with you.
我才不要见她 -噢...不...
I'm not meeting with her. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
如果你不见她，你就会被解雇
If you refuse to meet with her, you will be fired.
这太不公平了吧 -是啊
That's not fair. It's not.
但如果你不让她息怒，那我就会被解雇
But if you don't placate this woman, then I will be fired.
然后就会有一个
And a new principal will be hired,
由琳达哈里逊跟她那群追随者，亲自挑选的新校长来接管
handselected by Linda Harrison and her obedient followers.
然后...你天真的以为，坐在这位置的新校长
And then... And then do you think that a new person sitting in this chair
会容忍♥你那高尚又有原则的废话吗？
will indulge youryouryour noble principled bullshit?
这学校到底是谁在管的，葛兰？
是我们还是他们？
Who's running the school, Grant? Is it us or is it them?
他们...她...
Them. Them. Her. Her.
愤怒的家长最难缠了，艾文
Hell hath no wrath like a concerned parent, Evan.
你知道她有多大的影响力吗？
Do you have any idea how much sway she has?
影响力？这可是公立学校
Sway? What do you mean sway? This is a public school.
政♥府♥是她在养的吗？大金主，艾文
What? Is she funding the government? Boosters, Evan.
她跟她的老公戴尔，是大金主，明白吗？
She and her husband, Dale, they're massive boosters, okay?
他们的餐厅可是给这所学校，捐了一大笔钱
Their restaurant donates a...load of money to this school.
好吧，这样吧，跟她说“谢谢她的关心”
Well, listen. Tell her thank you for the concern.
我很感谢她提供了...
I really appreciate her feelings
你要去见她 如何教课的意见
about how I run my class. You're meeting with her.
艾文，你别任性了 葛兰
Evan, don't even mess around. You are meeting with her tonight.
今天有一件事我不会做，那就是...
If there's one thing I'm not doing today, it is...
琳达哈里逊有订位 -我可以让那女人喜欢我
We have a reservation for Linda Harrison. I can make women love me.
只收现金？你看，只收现金耶
Cash only? Look at this. Cash only. Yoohoo.
哦，我没现金哦
Oh, I don't have any cash.
哇哦 -瞧瞧谁来了
Look what the cat dragged in. Wow.
您应该就是艾文马可仕老师了
You must be Mr. Evan Marquez.
琳达哈里逊，久仰 -您好啊
Linda Harrison. Nice to meet you. Linda Harrison. That's right.
而您是...我叫关，是他的好友
And you are Miss... Gwen. I'm his best friend.
我姓桑德斯
I'm Ms. Sanders.
您就是桑德斯老师啊
You're Ms. Sanders. Yes.
布莱克对您赞誉有加啊
Blake speaks so highly of you. Oh!
但他可没跟我提过你那一头秀发
He didn't tell me about that head of hair.
过奖了，我也喜欢您的秀发
Thank you. And I like your head as well.
谢谢，我也挺喜欢你那一小撮头发的