萌犬先生（2017）

好 好的
Oh. Yeah. Okay.
南 我很好 是吗
Hey, Nan, Uh, I'm okay, right?
是
Yep.
我不会被炒鱿鱼的 是吗
Like, I'm not gonna get fired, am I?
大概不会
Probably not.
好 你可以的
Okay, good. You got this.
重要的是 我有个优点
The thing is, I have an advantage.
我了解胡娇
Like, I know Pepper the way you can only know someone
如果能吃将近四年美味的猫便便
after you've eaten their, like, sweet little droppings
那么如此了解也不奇怪了 我真心吃了四年
for the better part of four years, which I've done.
我吃了四年 味道挺不错的
Like, I've done that. Like, they're actually amazing.
我知道她什么时候生病 什么时候身体好
I know when she's sick. I know when she's well.
就像我知道当她觉得有点抑郁的时候
Like, I know when she's been feeling, like, a little bit depressed.
我可以尝出一切
Like, I can taste everything.
但是最重要的是 我知道每天
But most importantly, I know that every day,
她都会去这块小沙地
she comes to this little patch of sand.
那是她最脆弱的地方
It's where she's most vulnerable.
我所需要的做只是等待
And all I have to do is wait.
萨姆
Hey, Sam.
对于马丁的所作所为 我很抱歉
I am so, so sorry about Martin.
我不想听起来像我是个麻木不仁的人
Uh, I don't want to sound insensitive,
只是 只是距离午饭
it's just that, um -- it's just a couple hours away
还有几个小时 我想也许
from the launch, and I just thought maybe --
是 我已经...
Yeah. I already, um --
我创建了一个鸡鸡感应算法
I, uh, created a penis-sensing algorithm
就能把那些照片都删了
so that it would delete all those photos.
很好 很棒
Great! Wonderful!
小问题 虽然
Tiny problem, though --
在这一切之后 我真的很慌乱 我...
I was really flustered after everything and I, uh --
我反转了if-then函数
I-I inverted the if-then function.
那是什么意思
What does that mean?
它不仅删除了鸡鸡照片
Well, instead of deleting the penis pictures,
它把所有照片都删除了
it deleted everything else.
所有发到纽约的带话题的照片
Like, all the photos that people hashtagged to go up in New York,
都没有了
they're all gone.
所以我们什么都没了 是吗
So, we don't have anything left, right?
我们两小时后在时代广场有一块广♥告♥牌
We have a billboard going up in Times Square in two hours
而除了鸡鸡照片 我们没有别的了吗
and nothing but penises to fill it.
-是吗 -是的
- Is that it? - Yeah.
我觉得我现在应激性头痛了 实际上
I think I'm getting a stress headache, actually.
我知道我有夸张的倾向
I know I have the tendency to exaggerate.
就像有一次我告诉杰夫
Like, once I told Jeff
我在后院里埋了4000块骨头
I buried 4,000 bones in the backyard
实际上 可能是八块
when, in reality, it was probably like -- like eight.
或者五块 我埋了五块骨头
Or like five. Like, I buried five bones.
BGM: Indian Summer by Jai Wolf
我经常夸大事实 我承认
Like, often I stretch the truth. I-I admit that.
但不是今天
But not today.
因为我的一生 都生活在对这只猫的恐惧中
Because my whole life, I've lived in fear of this cat.
突然 那种恐惧就消失了
All of a sudden, that fear just, like, fell away
有那么一刻 一切都说得通了
and, for a moment, everything made sense.
我不担心接下来将发生的事
I wasn't worried about what would happen next.
我是勇敢的
I was brave.
我是自♥由♥的
I was free.
发布会前两小时
珍 我们完了
Jenn, we are so screwed.
萨姆删了所有的照片
Sam erased all of the photos,
现在我们努力的一切都毁了
and now everything we've worked for is gonna be ruined.
等一下 所有的
Wait, all of them?
是的 所有的
Yep, all of them.
也许我们可以用图片库的图片
Maybe we can use stock photos.
我们不能用图片库的图片 因为得用真人的图片
We can't use stock photos 'cause it has to be real people.
-那是这次活动的关键 -是 我知道
- That's the whole point of the campaign. - Yeah, I know that.
我只是想找个办法解决这个问题
I'm just trying to find a solution.
我知道 我知道 我只是 我对天发誓
Yeah, I know, I know. I just -- I swear to God,
如果不是我自己亲自做的话 就一定会出错
if I don't do it myself, it doesn't get done right.
好吧
Oh, okay.
我不是 我不是说你
I didn't -- I didn't mean you.
你知道我不是说你 我不是那个意思
You know I didn't mean you. That's not what I meant.
你知道我只是想帮你
You know I'm just, like, trying to help you on this.
你好
Hello?
天呐
Oh, my God.
你确定是马丁吗
Are you sure it's Martin?
天呐
Oh, my God.
是 会有人赶过去的
Yeah. Someone'll be right there.
杰森 马丁受伤了
Jason, Martin's hurt.
什么
What's that?
邻居打电♥话♥说那只猫 胡娇 隔壁那只
The neighbor called and the cat, Pepper, next door
把他的 把他的脸挠伤了
scratched his -- scratched his face up.
他还好吗
Is he okay?
我需要你带他去看兽医
I need you to go take him to the vet.
-等等 什么 -你得去接他 我去不了
- Whoa, hold on. What? - I need you to go get him. I can't.
我现在正处理一场危机
I'm in the middle of a crisis right now.
你是在逗我吗
You got to be kidding me.
拜托 我现在走不开 好吗
Please. I can't leave right now, all right?
我得找个办法解决这个问题
I have to find a solution to this
否则整件事都黄了
or the whole thing's gonna just fall apart.
只是个广♥告♥活动 南
It's an ad campaign, Nan.
四天后就没人记得了
It's gonna be forgotten in four days.
马丁是你的狗
Martin is your dog.
那栋楼里的其他
What about all these other people in the building
没有受伤的狗的人呢
that don't have hurt dogs?
他们是做不好的 好吗
They're not gonna do it right, okay?
他们会搞砸的
They're just gonna mess it up.
一定得完美 我不会再有这样的机会了
It's got to be perfect or I'm not gonna get this chance again.
是啊 一定要完美
Oh, that's right. It has to be perfect.
-对于南来说一切都得完美 -杰森
- Everything has to be perfect for Nan. - Jason --
说正经的 现在不是说这个的时候
Seriously. This is not the time for this.
就像我不完美
Just like I wasn't perfect,
就像我们的关系并不完美
just like our relationship wasn't perfect...
我真的需要你帮我 好吗
I really need you to help me out, okay?
-就像匹兹堡不完美 -杰森
- ...just like Pittsburgh isn't perfect. - Jason.
杰森 你到底帮不能帮我
Jason, are you gonna help me or not?
好
Okay.
我去接马丁
I will go get Martin.
我会自己一个人做所有的事
I will just do everything myself.
实际上 现在我已经很习惯这么做了
I'm actually -- I'm getting pretty used to it at this point.
你在全国各地放满了镜子 南
You're putting mirrors up all over the country, Nan,
但也许应该照照镜子的是你自己
but maybe it's you who ought to look in the mirror.
「好极了」 杰森 「说得漂亮」
Good one, Jason. Really clever.
格温 你能打开外放吗
Hey, Gwen, can you put me through on speakerphone?
BGM: The National Anthem by Radiohead
让凯文待在办公室
Put Kevin in his office
给他一个魔方或其它东西
and, like, give him a Rubik's Cube or something,
让他...让他分分心
just to... just to, like, keep him distracted,
因为他会妨碍到你
'cause he's just gonna get in your way.
没想到的是 我堵到她了
I mean, the crazy thing is that I had her.
一切尽在我掌握之中
I had her in my grasp.
没人能比我更震惊了
No one was more shocked than me.
可能潜意识里
Like, I think, deep down,
我一直觉得胡娇会杀了我
I always thought Pepper would kill me.
她掌心里可藏着伸缩自如的利刃
I mean, she has retractable blades, like, in her hand.
甚至对于恶棍来说
Which is, like, pretty over the top
也是有点过分了
even for, like... even for, like, a villain.
说不好 但我把她逼到角落里
But I don't know. Like, I had her cornered.
而她看上去那么弱小 充满恐惧
And she just looked so small and scared and...
我说不清怎么了
I don't know what happened,
但我就是下不去手
but I just couldn't do it, you know?
我...我杀不了她
Like... like, I couldn't kill her.
我就放过她了
So I let her go.
接着她就抓烂了我的脸
And then she, like, basically destroyed my face.
因为我软弱