萌犬先生（2017）

我知道是因为我试过很多次都失败了
Like, I know because I've tried many, many times and failed,
但与此同时 我很清楚
but at the same time, like, I know for a fact
我不要让那只奶狗毁了我的打盹大计
I'm not gonna let that puppy ruin my nap.
我才要
Like -- like, I'm not.
我就是不要
I'm just not.
我特么就不
I'm just not.
好了 准备好了
All right. We're good.
好啦
All right!
好了 他们没问题的吧
Okay. You think they'll be okay, yeah?
没问题 我们就离开两小时
Yeah, they'll be fine. It's just a couple of hours.
-太好了 拜拜 -拜拜 玩得开心
- Okay, awesome. Bye! - Bye, guys! Have fun!
友好一点
Play nice.
我发誓
I swear to God.
你说得对 两瓶啤酒下肚后
You're right -- After a couple of beers,
这里感觉就没那么吵了
it doesn't seem as loud as it definitely is!
对啊 很好玩
Oh, yeah! This is fun!
-我喜欢你的计划 -是啊
- Yeah, I like your plan! - Yeah!
泥浪
Muddy Slutty!
疯狂的是 我每个仍在承担后果的人生选择
You know what's so crazy, is that, like, I was these people
都是在混这种酒吧那段时期做出的
when I made every decision that I'm dealing with right now.
你们想要再来一轮酒吗
You guys want another round?
如果你继续放这首歌♥
Uh, it's more of, like, a need than a want
那就是「需要」多过「想要」了
if you're gonna keep playing this song.
我们醉了
We're drunk.
我来买♥♥单 我要积里程
Oh, let me get this. I need the miles.
天呐
Oh, God. Geez.
我为什么总提起老人话题
Why do I keep saying old-people things?
我们三十几岁了
We're in our 30s.
我也是 不过别让他们听见
Me too. But, uh, don't let them hear.
他们具有超音速的听力 所以...
They have, like, supersonic hearing, so...
我们不会泄漏你的秘密
Your secret's safe with us.
我照顾了那只奶狗
So...I took care of the puppy.
然后
And, uh...
是啊
Yeah, like...
我只想说 公平地说
I guess I just want to say, like, to be fair to me,
我本来想做的 比这个还要严重得多
what I wanted to do was, like, much, much, much worse.
我本可以恨他的
Like -- Like, I-I could have ate him.
当然了 我绝不会那么做
Like, of course I would never -- I would never do that.
我只是耍耍嘴炮 好像我有这个选择一样
I'm just saying, like, that -- like, that was an option.
问题是 我给过他机会
The thing is, I gave him a chance.
我已经告诉过他
Like -- Like, I told him, like,
别碰我 别看着我
not to touch me, not to look at me,
所有东西都是我的 而不是他的
that everything was mine and not his,
只要他什么都别碰
and as long as he didn't touch anything
我们就能相安无事
that we would be cool.
但他当然没有乖乖照做
But, of course, he didn't.
他就是管不住自己那只丑丑的小爪子
Like, he couldn't keep his ugly little paws to himself.
姑娘们
Ladies.
一杯柠檬糖马天尼
One lemon-drop martini
以及我秘制的老式鸡尾酒
and my personal take on an old-fashioned.
我想你们应该需要 更大人一点的东西
Thought you could use something a little bit more...adult.
谢天谢地
Thank God!
太棒了 谢谢
This is lovely. Thank you.
所以今天是你们的「妈妈放松夜」吗
So, what is this -- like, moms' night out?
什么
What?
我们看起来像当妈的吗
We look like moms?
天呐
Oh, my God.
根本没用 我觉得自己好老
This isn't working. I feel old, old, old.
我们需要换个地方 好吗
Okay, look, we need to change locations, okay?
想想 有什么事情好玩又不用费脑子
Quick -- what's something fun that doesn't require thinking?
跳舞
Dancing!
不 不 跳舞太悲催了
No. No. Day dancing is so sad.
好吧
Okay.
共享单车
Bike share!
如果我们要逃避问题
If we're gonna run away from our problems,
能不能至少挑一个速度快点的交通工具
couldn't we at least pick a faster mode of transportation?
不 这样很好玩
No, this is fun.
就像我们年轻时没钱
It's like when we were young and poor
买♥♥不起车一样 对吗
and we couldn't afford cars, right?
那时好玩吗
Was it fun?
天知道我怎么会听你的做这个
God, I don't know how I let you convince me to do this.
-前方有帅哥 -好
- There's some cute boys. - Oh, okay.
-帅哥们好呀 -你好
- Hey, guys! - Hi.
怎么样啊
How's it going?
不要占道
Share the road!
你才不要占道
You share the road.
你咋不骑上天呢
Share the road with your face!
够了 我不玩了 不玩了
No. Okay, that's it. No, I'm done. I'm done.
-什么 -我受够了
- What?! - Oh, that's enough.
别这样 多好玩啊
Come on. This is amazing.
你得投入进去啊
You just got to, like, get into it.
根本难玩死了 好吗
It's not amazing, okay?
我去你家是为了让你安慰我
I came to your house so that you could pamper me
陪我喝酒
and throw wine down my throat
听我发泄烦恼
and listen to me moan about all my problems.
讨厌
Come on!
这就是啊
This is that.
这就是
This is just, like --
更好玩 更活跃的版本
like, a fun, like, more active version of that.
真的吗 因为感觉你...
Oh, okay, 'cause it kind of feels like you --
算了
Forget it. It's --
你说得对 对不起
You're right. I'm sorry.
我不是故意要当个坏朋友
I'm not trying to be a bad friend.
只是
It's just, like...
那张DVD是我爸给我拍的视频
So, that DVD is this video that my dad shot of me
第二天我妈就走了
the day before my mom left.
然后他轻描淡写地把DVD丢进箱子里给我
And he just, like, chucked it in the box, you know?
就好像说 「这里有些有趣的童年回忆
Like, "Hey, here's some fun childhood nostalgia.
看看吧」
Enjoy that."
我很抱歉 南
I'm really sorry, Nan.
不 我才该道歉
No, I'm -- I'm the one who should be sorry.
是的
Yeah. You are.
你该道歉 今天一整天都是你的错
You are. You should be very sorry about this whole day.
你逗我呢吧还下雨
Got to be kidding me!
即使他抢了我的玩具 毁了我的打盹
And even though he -- he took my toy and he ruined my nap
甚至毁了我的生日
and he basically destroyed my entire birthday,
我还是很有耐心
like, still, I was patient.
我
I-I-I --
即使他对我发动攻击
Even while he was literally physically assaulting me,
我还是让他赢了
like, I-I let him win.
我把龙虾吉米让给他了
Like, I-I let him have Lobster Jimmy.
我只是默默到外面去冷静一下
And I-I just, like, went outside, like, to cool down.
我坐在那里 默数到三
I -- And, like, I sat there counting to three,
试着平静下来
just, like, trying to calm down
设法挽救这一天
and, like, maybe, in some way, salvage my day.
我想着也许我可以在这里补觉
I thought maybe I can take the nap back here, you know,
好好利用一下
and, like, make the best of it.
但之后
But then...
之后开始下雨了
then it started to rain.
珍 快点
Jenn, come on!
天呐
Oh, my God!
天呐
Oh, my God!
好了 就丢在那儿吧 别管它了
Okay, just leave it! Leave it, leave it, leave it!
快点 进去
Quickly -- get in!
我可能是理智线断了 因为你知道吗
I guess I just snapped. Because you know what?
「七」可能不只是个数字
Maybe 7 isn't just, like, a number.
也许我对于变老这件事并没有看得那么开
Like, maybe I'm not so chill about getting older, okay?
那只小奶狗 他拥有青春和美貌
Like, that puppy -- he has his youth, he has his beauty,
他还有一辈子的玩具等着去玩
like, he has a whole lifetime of toys in front of him,
但这个可能是我最后的玩具了
and this could be one of the last toys I ever get.