呆逼还愿人（2014）

Deadbeat S02E13

Part 1 April 16, 2021, 3:10 p.m.

第二季第十三集
嗨菊花
Hey, Camomile.
我是菊花哦
It's Camomile!
逗你玩儿的
Just kidding.
额滴娘啊
Oh my God.
你估计在想
You're probably all like,
"所以现在他妈的到底咋回事儿?"
"What the bloody hell is going on here, then?"
我不造啊
I don't know.
我学不出英式口音
Can't do a British accent.
你最近被这些小东西搞得
Anyway, you've been getting pretty messed up
心神不宁啊
on these bad boys,
你这样倒是把这事儿给我简化了
which made it easy-breezy for me
我可以更容易的俯你身上来跟你谈谈
to possess you so we could talk.
哦我是米莉我是个鬼
Oh, I'm Millie. I'm a ghost.
我可能应该一开始就先自我介绍下的
I probably should have led with that.
嗯你记得那个
Anyway, remember that whole
萨曼莎·切利的事情吗
Samantha Cherry thing?
来看看这个
Here. Watch this.
我觉得你可能会说
I think you might say,
咱俩有个共同的敌人
we have a mutual enemy.
蛋糕
Cake.
这个彩纸箱不错啊索伊拉
It's a super cute pi?ata, Zoila!
等不及看看里面装着什么了
Can't wait to see what's inside!
我讨厌那个彩罐我想把它扔了
I hate that pi?ata. I wanna lose it.
- 你怎么想? - 凯文你不觉得
- What do you think? - Kevin, do you think...
你自己有点太夸张了吗
... you're maybe going a little bit overboard
对于这整件事儿
with this whole thing?
哎你怎么想的?
Well, how do you figure?
你付不起这个钱啊
You can't afford all this.
好吧听着
Okay. You know what?
撸夫今天出狱
Roofie's getting out of the clink today.
他估计会特别伤心
He's probably gonna be super sad,
因为得跟他那些
having to say goodbye to all
新狱友告别
of his new prison buddies.
我就是想提醒他一下他还是有
I just wanna remind him, he's got friends
在外面的朋友的好吗
on the outside, too. Okay?
再说了我一直在留发♥票♥
Plus I saved all the receipts,
但愿他可以给我报销
I'm hoping he'll reimburse me.
所以
So...
哦我靠! 哦他来了!
Oh, shit! Oh, he's here!
他来了! 藏起来!
He's here! Hide!
都他妈给我藏起来
Everyone fucking hide.
额除了你
Well, not, not you.
- 额? - 除了你
- Huh? - Not you.
索伊拉你藏起来
Zoila, you, hide!
你好啊
Hi!
好你妹啊索伊拉
Eh... oh, Goddamn it, Zoila.
学点英文
Learn English!
好吧开始咯
All right, here we go.
嗨
Hey...
凯文·派克刘滚噜吗
Kevin Pacaliaglu?
是咕噜正是在下
Oglu. Yes.
我谨代表
I'm with US Citizenship
美国移♥民♥局行使工作
and Immigration Services.
你现在被接受
You're being investigated
有关一起假结婚案件的调查
for marriage fraud.
你♥他♥妈♥和索伊拉结婚了吗
You and Zoila are frickin' married?
真的有必要调查吗
Is this all really necessary?
恐怕是这样的
I'm afraid so.
我们收到了个匿名举报
We received an anonymous tip,
毕竟宁可信其有嘛
which may or may not be completely unreliable.
所以请理解一下
So as you can imagine,
我们要好好地调查一下这件事
we're taking this matter very seriously.
额滴娘啊
Oh my God.
你就为了把格伦挤出去
Did you just marry Zoila
所以才娶了索伊拉是吗
to get Glen out of the picture?
我只是出于好奇请问这事儿
Out of curiosity, just how seriously
到底有多严重呢
are we taking this matter?
如果我发现这门婚姻为假结婚
If I deem the marriage to be a fraud,
那么派克刘咕噜夫人会被遣返
Mrs. Pacalioglu would be deported
你呢会判至少
and you would spend a minimum
五年有期徒刑
of five years in prison.
哎亲爱的你看看
Well, would you look at that, honey?
我还是有点希望呢
There's hope for me yet.
我能跟你保证先生
I can assure you, sir,
这不是什么好笑的事
this is nothing to joke about.
如果这算好笑
And even if it were,
那我的幽默感是有多差啊
I have a terrible sense of humor.
好我可以向你保证先生
Okay, well I can assure you, sir,
我们是对非常真实的夫妇
that we are very much a real couple,
我们也非常相爱
and we are very much in love.
说实话今天是我们10年纪念日
Actually, today is the tenth anniversary
自从第一次见面的10年纪念日
of the night we first met.
所以才有额这个派对!
Hence the, uh, the party!
每年我们都重演额
Every year we recreate that, uh,
我们第一次相遇并坠入爱河的时候
beautiful drunken night when we first met
那个醉人的夜晚
and fell in love.
其实那是个非常好玩的故事来着
It's actually a pretty funny story.
是一个并不搞笑
It's a humorless true story
基于事实的故事事实上
based in fact, actually.
呃那时候索伊拉
Uh, you see, Zoila was working
给一个女人打工
for this woman at the time.
那女人可真是个女-表-婊砸
A huge B-I-T-C-H,
我说得比较难听可都是实话
pardon my French, but it's true.
还有呢呃这女人又恰巧
And, uh, that same woman just so happened
是我最大的竞争对手
to be my biggest business rival,
因此你也可以说我们有共同的敌人
so you could say we had a mutual enemy.
呃后来在某个月黑风高的夜晚
Uh, so we bumped into each other
我们就在酒吧偶遇了然后
at this bar one night, and uh,
我们讲了几个小笑话
after we shared a few laughs,
喝了点儿小酒然后一起大笑
and some drinks, and some guffaws,
还讲了自己的小秘密
and secrets, it didn't take us
很快我们就意识到呃我们相互分享的
long to realize that we, uh, we shared
是些很特别的东西
something pretty special.
嗯哼
Mhm.
那这个"氟硝安定免费速递"的海报[氟硝安定-催眠镇静药]
And how does the 'Free Roofie' poster
是哪儿来的?[氟硝安定与撸夫名字一样]
fit in?
噢你说那个啊是这样的
Oh, that. Yeah.
呃我记得那时候
Uh, I believe at the time
我正给一个发放免费氟硝安定的组织
I was volunteering for an organization
做志愿者
that handed out free roofies.
你给人们发放免费的氟硝安定
You handed out free roofies?
是啊给女人发
Yes. To women.
给且只给女人
Exclusively to women.
你知道我们的想法是
You see, the idea was that we helped them
这样就能帮她们远离毒品
build up a tolerance to the drug,
因此也就减少了她们
and that way they can avoid the risk
被迷♥奸♥的风险
of being date raped.
说的很有道理我竟无言以对
I guess that makes sense.
是啊
Yeah.
那么派克刘咕噜夫人
So Mrs. Pacalioglu,
那一晚是如何开始的呢
how did this night begin?
噢事实上呢
Oh, it's actually really
这是我们之间非常重要的一部分传统
an important part of the tradition
就是要去重新演绎
that we recreate that night
十年前的那个夜晚
exactly as it happened ten years ago,
那时候索伊拉
back when Zoila didn't speak
还一点儿英语都不会呢对吧
a lick of English, did ya?
从没那么喜欢英语呢对吧
Never liked English that much, did ya?
话说回来
But the night started
那晚是从两杯龙舌兰开始的