呆逼还愿人（2014）

Deadbeat S02E11

Part 1 April 16, 2021, 3:09 p.m.

第二季第十一集
啊!
Ah!
哇天了噜! 嗨! 嘿泰森
Ow, God! Hi! Hey Tyson.
你不能再去那个报摊了
You can't go to the newsstand anymore.
我... 我就想去那
I... I just wanted to go there
拿点吃的
and grab a couple snacks.
你知道想和小苏分开一下
You know, get away from Sue.
我们昨晚过得很糟糕
We had kind of a rough night.
撸夫被捕了!
Roofie's been arrested!
你现在可以放开了泰森
Okay you can let go now, Tyson.
我做不到!
I can't!
我关节夹在
My knuckles are caught
你的贱逼裤腰带上了
in your braided bitch belt!
放手! 这像个...
Just let go! It's like a...
像个抓浣熊的陷阱
it's like a raccoon trap.
你得放松手指
You gotta ease your fingers,
把手指放开
ease the fingers open.
没错! 你看吧?
There you go! See?
哎呦喂!
Ah!
你是个多么小心翼翼
You were such a careful
又细心的毒贩子呀
and considerate drug dealer.
谁把你逮起来了?
Who took you down?
听着我从来没见过这警♥察♥
Look, I never met the cop,
但我貌似听见有人叫那厮锡德
but that big dick swings to the name of Sid.
锡德是吧
Sid.
养老院的那个锡德?
Like Sid from the nursing home?
我... 我可是个卧底警♥察♥
I... I'm an undercover cop.
我为分局在道上布置了线人!
I got intel for the precinct!
那老傻♥逼♥都半身进土了
That old fucker was like one foot in the grave.
口气闻起来像腐烂的花!
His breath smelled like dead flowers!
听着我们有更大的麻烦好不?
Look, we got a bigger problem, all right?
我的货都被没收了
All my product was confiscated.
所有的
All of it.
甚至是我存着的特殊口味的
Even the special strain I was saving
叫“小苏的芊芊玉指”
called Sue's finger.
你竟然给特殊品种大♥麻♥
You named a special strain of weed
起名叫小苏的芊芊玉指?
after Sue's finger?
你个体贴的小坏蛋你
You thoughtful devil, you.
听着你挂掉的女朋友的手指
Listen, your dead girlfriend's finger
在证物室的大♥麻♥盒子里!
is in a weed box in the evidence room!
好吧幸运的是
Okay well, lucky for us,
我可是个牛逼的即兴发挥者
I am a master improvoseur.
- 你不是 - 还是个伪装大♥师♥!
- You're not. - And a diplomat of disguise!
你肯定是在说“湿”
Those two words don't even go together.
- 读我的唇语 - 隔着电♥话♥读什么?
- Read my lips. - Through the phone?
是的我们会没事的
Yes. We are fine.
老子绝逼死在这了
I'm gonna fucking die in here.
俺是杰夫... 杰弗斯... 杰弗森...警官
Officer Jeff... Jeffs... Jefferson...
杰夫·杰弗森前来报道
Jeff Jefferson reporting for duty.
能去管理那个证物室么?
Preferably in the, uh, evidence room?
这滑稽的傻♥逼♥是谁?
Who's the hilarious asshole?
谁为泰迪的生日请了个跳脱衣舞的?
Who ordered a stripper for Teddy's birthday?
哦... 不我... 我不是
Oh... no. I'm... I'm not that.
哦妈蛋!
Oh shit!
你是电视上的那个死胖子!
You're that fat dude from TV!
不! 我也不是
Nope! I'm not that either.
我不是... 我就是个
I'm not... I, I'm just an officer
执法人员
of the law here.
我一次能扣上裤子一侧的纽扣
I button my pants up one side at a time
像其他人一样
just like everybody else.
哦你逗我?
Oh, you big time me?
晓得伐? 擦你鸭的
You know what? Fuck you.
你那... 满嘴的牙
With all... with all your teeth,
和你的手指头
and all your fingers,
和你的耳朵
and all your ears.
你为啥没这些东西?
Why do you not have those things?
我要干♥你♥那张
I'm gonna fuck the fame
名人脸
off your face.
- 啊哈!! - 嘿!
- Ahh!! - Hey!
不! 不不!
No! No, no!
临时发挥
Improvoseur.
一定要开着一定要开着
Please be open, please be open,
一定要开着
please be open.
啊插♥你♥鸭的!
Ah, fuck a duck!
- 不许动! - 哦完蛋对不起
- Freeze! - Oh, shit, I'm sorry.
我不会真的去插一只鸭子的我是说
I would never actually fuck a duck. I mean,
我连鸭下蛋的洞洞都
I can't even find the hole where the eggs
找不到...我意思是我能找到但我认为
come out... I mean, I can find it, but I don't think
我连一根手指都插不进去
you could even get a finger in there.
手放头上混♥蛋♥
Hands on your head, asshole!
好听着听着
Okay look, look.
没必要这样
You don't have to do this.
这只是个误会好吗?
This is just a big misunderstanding, okay?
你没犯过错吗?
Haven't you ever made a mistake?
事实上我犯过
As a matter of fact, I have.
哦!
Oh!
哦你是个灵魂
Oh, you're a ghost.
嘿听着我在这遇到了不少麻烦
Hey look, I can get in a lot of trouble here.
现在可不是时候也不是地方
This is not the time or the place
来追忆一个复杂的故事
for a big, elaborate backstory.
那是在1989年
The year was 1989.
我当时正在办一个
I was hot on the trail
这座城市出现过最危险变♥态♥的
of the most dangerous psychopath
一个案子
this city's ever seen.
一个连环杀手？
A serial killer?
- 一个连环暴露狂 - 哦
- A serial flasher. - Oh.
别的不说那家伙在我嘴里
Needless to say, the guy left
留下了糟糕的味道
a bad taste in my mouth.
你们没把他抓住?
And you guys never caught him?
我们以为抓住了
We thought we did.
我的搭档弗兰克和我
My partner Frank and I were working
不分昼夜的工作
around the clock.
查了几个月都没有结果
After months of dead ends,
最后我们找到个叫
we landed on the doorstep of a man
约翰尼·鸡鸡的人
named Johnny Penis.
等等花了这么久?
Wait, wait. Months?
要是我马上能想到一个叫
I would think with a name like Penis
“鸡鸡”的人一定是嫌犯了吧
he would have been a suspect immediately.
别打断我的追忆哥们!
Don't interrupt a flashback, man!
简直太他妈粗鲁!
It's fucking rude!
是不好意思我讨厌那样
Yeah, I'm sorry, I hate that.
凭着预感我踢开了门
I kicked in the door on a hunch.
- 别动混♥蛋♥! - 哦慢着!
- Freeze, asshole! - Oh, woah!
放松亲们
Take it easy, fellas.
一根毛都不要动
Don't move a muscle!
我刚系上浴袍
I just gotta tighten my robe.
我说了别他妈动!
I said fucking freeze!
你...文明用语亲!
You... watch the language, fella!
这有小孩!
We got kids here!
把手放在我们能看到的地方
Keep those hands where we can see 'em.
我一洗完澡就被你抓住了让...
You got me just right out of the shower, let...
你以为我俩开玩笑呢?
You think we're fucking around?
你不想看我的鸡鸡对吧?
You don't wanna see my penis, do you?
最后警告臭傻♥逼♥！
Last warning motherfucker!
我们也没别的选择
He didn't leave us much of a choice.
是啊...
No...
弗兰克和我得到了勋章和升职
Frank and I got medals and promotions.
我们是英雄
We were heroes.
城市重新变得安全了
And the city felt safe again.
但好景不长
That is, until it started back up.
暴露狂又来了?