结伴婚礼

你本来就不看书
You don't read.
这让他认为我很笨
It's like he doesn't think I'm smart,
就好像他很博学
like he's the reader.
我还没告诉你呢
Oh. And I didn't tell you.
他已经有女朋友了
He's fucking somebody else.
是吗
He is?
就是那个会计赛娜
He's fucking Shaina from accounting.
天呐 你怎么没开除她
God. How do you not just fire her?
我就应该开除她
I should! I should fucking fire her.
就这么做 让她流落街头
Do it. Put her on the streets!
你答应要给我介绍对象
You promised me you'd introduce me to someone here,
但我没遇到让我觉得有意思的人
but I haven't had a single meet-cute.
什么叫有意思的邂逅
What is a meet-cute?
这种感觉是 两人刚认识
It's like when two people meet each other
就立马来电
and they instantly fall in love,
就像在杂物店
like when you reach for the same cereal
你们同时伸手去拿同样的麦片
at the grocery store
这就是有意思的邂逅
and it's adorable,
你会惊呼 我的天呐
and you're like, "Oh, my God.
你也喜欢幸运符麦片吗 不可思议
You like Lucky Charms, too? That's amazing.
对了 我叫本
I'm Ben, by the way."
♪ 再见 ♪
♪ Goodbye ♪
好 我懂了
Okay. All right.
那个女孩怎么样
How about that girl?
她看起来挺喜欢麦片的
She looks like she likes cereal.
是的
Uh, yeah.
行吗 好吧我试试
Yeah? Yeah, I'm down.
行 祝你好运
All right. Good luck.
噢 我的天
Oh, my God.
抱歉
Sorry.
-你还好吗 -我没事
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm good.
抱歉 抱歉 那是我的朋友
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's -- That was my friend.
她不太懂礼貌
She has a social disorder.
我感觉你两之间会发生点什么
I think I feel a connection happening!
她好幽默
She's funny.
不 不 不 她不幽默
No. No, no, no. She is not.
-我是本 -嗨 我是卡拉
- I'm Ben. - Hi. I'm Kara.
嗨 你怎么认识杰森和莎拉的
Hi. Uh, how do you know Jason and Sarah?
哟
Yo.
嘿 进展如何
Hey. How'd it go?
我拿到了她的号♥码 宝贝
Got a number, baby.
宝贝 不客气
Yeah, baby. You're welcome.
绝对是你要的有意思的邂逅
Totally microwaved that hot meet-cute.
是啊 我不想说 但谢谢你
Yeah. I hate to say it, but thank you.
你知道 事实上 我们可以
You know...we could, actually, like, do this
在所有的婚礼上都这么做
for all the weddings.
做什么
Do what?
我带你 你带我 双赢
I take you, you take me. Win-win.
你是说组队去婚礼吗
You're suggesting doubling down on weddings?
-就是 故意的吗 -不
- Like, on purpose? - No.
我在建议我们合作
I'm suggesting teaming up
一起参加这些爱情马拉松
to take on the love marathon together --
就像轮♥奸♥它们一样
just like gang-bang it.
我们有10场婚礼要参加
That's 10 weddings between us.
而且有一些还挺难对付的
And I got some rough ones coming up.
来吧 不然你去哪找其他单身妹子啊
Come on. How else are you gonna find single girls like that?
你知道吗 没有你整天把我当成女人
You know, I actually do just fine
我其实挺舒服的
without you body-checking me into women.
-本 -咋了
- Ben. - Yeah.
本 这其实是个无与伦比的好主意
Ben, this is actually a great idea.
-是吗 -是啊
- Oh, is it? - Yeah.
刚刚发生的事
What just happened --
就是我可以助你一臂之力的证据 伙计
that is proof that I can close for you, buddy.
你站的可真近啊
Oh, you're right here.
-是啊 -好了 能给点儿私人空间吗
- Yeah. - Okay. A little bit of space?
我会帮你去和妹子们打头阵
I'm gonna tee it up for you with the ladies.
我可以做你的僚机
I'll be your wingman.
我会帮你把路铺平 你懂吧
I'll set you up so you can do your thing, you know?
你这是在干嘛
What is happening here?
这就是你和逼撞打时的样子
This is you... getting pounded by a pussy.
上帝啊
Jesus Christ.
-你知道吗 爱丽丝 -什么
- You know, Alice... - What?
尽管你的条件听起来很诱人
...as enticing as that sounds,
但我真不想四处闲逛 满脑子想着睡伴娘
I'm not really looking to go around just banging bridesmaids.
我知道 我不是这个意思
I know. I'm not saying that.
这是擦出火花坠入爱河的机会啊
This is about exposure to relationship opportunities.
挪挪
Move.
你的僚机没了
Your wingmen are gone.
你打算怎么办
W-What are you gonna do?
你要一个人在公♥寓♥里喝完一杯
You gonna hit the club solo
伏特加红牛 再一个人去酒吧孤军奋战吗
after pounding vodka Red Bulls in your apartment by yourself?
这听起来太惨了 兄弟
Ooh. That is bleak, man.
你怎么对这件事这么迫切
Why do you want this so much?
因为
'Cause...
本 如果我们各走各路的话
Ben, this is gonna be so much worse
情况会更糟
if we do it on our own.
我们会被永远地困在婚礼上的单身席位里
We'll be stuck at singles' tables
只能一个人孤零零地回酒店房♥间睡觉
and shelling out for hotel rooms to sleep in -- alone.
那样至少我自己还能有张床
At least I'd have a bed to myself.
-天呐 你别这样 -我宁愿自己睡
- Oh, my God. Come on. - I'd rather not share.
我也会和我的女朋友同床共枕啊
I share beds with my girlfriends all the time.
我不是女的 爱丽丝
Well, I'm not a girl, Alice.
我是个实打实的硬汉
I'm a full-blown man.
还实打实
A full-blown --
我不会再和你去参加任何婚礼了
I'm not going to any more weddings with you.
-别啊 -睡觉吧
- No! - Go to bed.
我不困
I'm not tired.
你在干嘛 你都到我这边来了
What are you doing? You're on my side.
-我只是想抱抱 -不
- I just want to cuddle. - No.
不要抱抱
No cuddling.
怎么 你不喜欢抱抱吗
What? You don't like cuddling?
我喜欢抱抱
I love cuddling.
我只是不想和你抱
I just don't want to cuddle with you.
别 别 划清界线
No. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Line.
分界线就在这里
Line of demarcation right here,
就在床中♥央♥
right down the middle of the bed.
你穿过这条线 就进入了他国领空
You cross this line, you're entering foreign airspace
然后你就会被击落
and you'll be shot out of the sky.
只是想抱抱而已
It's just cuddling.
不
No.
不可能 不
No way. No.
-不公平 -还不公平
- Not fair. - Not fair?
如果我勃起了
If I get a boner,
你就会觉得我觉得你很有魅力
you'll think I think you're attractive,
我在你这儿就彻底没尊严了
and you'll never let me live that down.
天哪 好了
Oh, my God. Okay.
我保证不会向你暗示什么了
I promise I won't read any subtext into your boner.
-你在暗示我勃起 -我没有
- You're gonna read the boner. - I'm not.
好吧 假设我没有勃起
Well, let's say I don't get a boner
而你睡不着的原因
and you can't fall asleep
正是我那根松弛的老二让你难堪了
because my flaccid penis is making you feel ugly.
上帝啊 你在床上都这么混♥蛋♥吗
Jesus. Are you always this big of a spaz in bed?
不 我只是不想跟你抱而已 好吗
No. I just -- I just don't want to cuddle with you, okay?
抱抱不一定都跟性有关啊
Cuddling doesn't have to be sexual.
它可以代表与某人亲近
It can be about feeling close to someone.
我感觉在这儿已经够亲近的了
I feel close enough to you over here.
那熊抱如何啊
What if I'm big spoon?
不 不 不
No. No. No.
别碰我的身体 太吓人了
You're not cradling my body. That's horrifying.
挠痒痒怎么样
What about tickle scratching?