疯狂思想

杰和
文尼·琼斯
竟然成为
戒酒好友
杰 森 · 梅 维 斯
出品
疯狂
思 想
彭 斯 酒 店
想偷啥
直接跟我们说
大家都觉得我是流氓
Yeah, everyone thinks I'm a gangster,
因为我演过那种角色 杰 懂吗
because of the roles I play, Jay, you know?
你是文尼·琼斯 绝对的狠角色
You're Vinnie Jones, you're a fricking badass.
你是球星转行成影星
I mean you're a soccer star turned movie star.
谁能做到啊
I mean who does that?
没人 杰
No one, Jay.
没人能做到
No one fucking does that.
-我给你看过这个吗 -什么
- I ever show you that. - What?
你是想让我上下兼顾吗
You want me to work the nipples while I cup the balls?
才不是呢
No, I fucking don't.
不是吗 你在哪弄的 我从没见过
No, where did you get that? I've never seen that.
就在后面
Back in the manor,
有个老伙计帮我在胸口上刻上了大笨钟
older lads held me down, carved Big Ben in me chest.
他们出活不赖 弄的不错
They didn't do a bad job, it's pretty good.
杰 生活不是在公园散散步而已
You know, Jay, life's not a walk in the park, mate.
不管对你还是对我来说 都有很多困难
Could have been very different for you and me.
说的很对
That's very true.
每次我负能量爆棚
You know, whenever I get negative
我总会看着镜子里
I always have a look in the mirror,
胸口的那块疤 那个钟
I look at the scar, the clock,
你懂我意思吧
you know what I mean? Hmm.
我马上就能振作
Brings it all, keeps me grounded.
操 是你小子
Fuck my balls, it's you!
那个胖子也在附近吗
Is the fat one nearby?
他可能在家
He's probably at home.
朋友 给我准备的胖子在哪里
Hey, mate, have you got a fat boy for me?
什么胖子
A fat boy?
不是你想的那样
Not what you're thinking, ugh!
太完美了
Oh, you beauty!
相信我 你用这个
Believe me, sir, you could attack Russia
可以直接打到俄♥罗♥斯♥
with this mother bitch.
-我可能会试一下 -朋友 小心点
-I might try it, mate, -Please, be careful,
安全健康记录可不是很
the health and safety record is not--
没事 很赞
Cool, it's cool.
这是给我朋友准备的 下周他生日
It's for my mate, it's his birthday next week,
他就喜欢这玩意
he loves this shit.
混♥蛋♥
Motherfucker!
怎么了
What's the matter?
淘宝上的滚蛋
This motherfucker on eBay, man.
你又背后偷偷卖♥♥东西了吗
You're buying stuff behind the Missus' back again?
《硬件黑客发烧友》第69期刊
This is number 69, Hardwyre Hactivist.
我超想要 文尼 它让我欲♥火♥中烧
I want this so bad, Vinnie, it makes my balls burn.
你绝对能爽一发
You can get cream for that, you know, son?
你买♥♥这个花多少钱
How much you paying for this fucking thing?
特别贵
Way too much, man.
网上这个混♥蛋♥
If I meet this motherfucker,
我绝对要让他吃掉自己的狗机
I'm gonna make him eat his dog and phone.
是手♥机♥ 傻子
It's dog and bone, you prat.
-啥 -就是手♥机♥
- What? - Dog and bone
押韵的土话 电♥话♥的意思
is Cockney rhyming slang for phone.
手♥机♥ 机 你个傻丫头
Dog and bone, phone, you fucking muppet.
等等 傻丫头又押什么韵了
Wait, what does muppet rhyme with?
没押韵
Nothing!
你是傻丫头
You are the muppet!
求求你了 文
I appreciate this so much, Vin.
直播地点开车需要一个小时
The podcast is an hour's drive away
我不能放凯文鸽子
and I can't be late for Kevin.
我一定遵守交通法规 绝不超速
I will obey every traffic law, I will go the speed limit.
要是被交♥警♥逮到
You get pulled over,
一晚上都得在警♥察♥局呆着
you're gonna be in jail all night,
我还得去警♥察♥局捞你
then I'm gonna have to come and bail you out.
我的驾照被吊销了 我不能租车
Well, my licence is suspended, I can't rent a car.
就一个晚上
It's for one night.
天知地知你知我知
I won't tell if you don't tell.
弄坏了给我赔
You break it, you buy it.
《杰与沉默鲍勃》
直播
天啊 我看起来好老
Oh my God, I look so old.
妈的 太烦了
God damn it, I hate it, man.
我看起来像是我爸和我姥姥做♥爱♥
I look like my father fucked my grandmother
生下来的小孩
and had me as a baby.
这就是我今晚上节目谈论的主题
That's what I'm gonna talk about tonight on the show.
你能不能活泼一点
You might wanna lighten up a little bit,
你看着像要饭的
you're so fucking bummed.
怎么了 忧郁小男孩
What's the matter, little boy blue?
没事
It's nothing, it's...
我知道了 今天试镜了吧
Oh, today was the audition, wasn't it?
很失败
Didn't work out.
他们只想让你演自己 是吧
They just wanted you to be Jay, right?
那个选角导演就是个蠢货
Their casting director is an asshole.
我不明白他们为什么
I just don't understand why they can't consider me
不给我一个严肃的角色
for a serious role.
他们不把你当成专业演员
They don't necessarily think of you as an acteur,
就像你刚才走进来时候表现那样
like the moment you walk into the room
说实话 可能是我的责任
and that's honestly, probably my fault,
因为是我让你演了这个角色
'cause I've made you this character.
不 不是你的错
No, I don't think it's your fault.
你让我把锅甩了吗
You lettin' me off the hook.
好的 因为我其实一直觉得是你自己的错
Good, 'cause I always thought it was your fault,
因为我创作这个角色完全是受你本人启发
because I based the character on who you were
尤其是你小时候
when you were a kid.
所以 技术上来讲 你是自掘坟墓
So technically, you dug your own fucking grave.
操 小木
Fuck you, Moves,
我真的很想认真一次
I just wanna be taken serious for once.
你可以问奥哈洛伦 他正在做一部电影
Why don't you ask O'Halloran, he's making a movie.
布莱恩·奥哈洛伦当导演了吗
Brian O'Halloran is directing?
他给剧组投了个剧本
He submitted a script to the studio,
那帮家伙抽风了 接了剧本
they went apeshit, they fucking bought it,
还让他执导
and they're letting him direct.
那个 《奥德赛》
Um, The Odyssey.
不是吧 《奥德赛》
No way, The Odyssey.
怒犯天条 凯文史密斯1999年编导电影
在我们拍《怒犯天条》时我读过那玩意
I read that while we were doing Dogma
我们谈过好多遍了
and we talked about it a million times.
亲 我简直是主角的完美人选
Dude, I'm like perfect for the lead.
哦好吧
Oh, okay.
其实 我觉得故事主角
Well, look, I think the main character
很像你
is very much like you.
不管你应不应该演主角
Whether or not you should play the lead,
那完全是两码事
that's a whole different discussion.
你能帮我去和他谈谈吗
Can you talk to him for me?
你说话比我好听
It will sound better coming from you.
我 我才不要卷进来呢
I-- I don't wanna get involved.
我才不要给布莱恩·奥哈洛伦打电♥话♥
I don't want to call Brian O'Halloran.
你知道打电♥话♥给布莱恩·奥哈洛伦会怎么样
You know what happens when you call Brian O'Halloran.
啊老铁 啊荤段子
"Hey, man, pussy, man."
他能讲两小时荤段子不停
He talks about pussy for like two hours and shit.
我已46高龄 听不得那些段子了
I'm 46, I'm done talking about that.
你得这么做
Here's what you need to do.
你得好好教训那帮傻瓜
You gotta drop science on the fools.
你不能就这样走进一间房♥
You can't just walk into a room
还念着 真高兴么么哒
and be like "Snooch to the nooch."
他们早看腻那玩意了 哥们
They've seen that shit, man.
《杰与沉默鲍勃》系列的最新电影
《白蠢贱客》已经过时了
Jay and silly Bill are over.
他们想要看到的演员
What they want out of an actor walk in to the room,
得有号♥令众生的气场