吸血鬼生活

What We Do in the Shadows S01E10

Part 1 April 19, 2020, 9:20 a.m.

我喜欢当亲信
I like being a familiar.
这是一份很让人有满足感的工作
It's a very satisfying job.
实际上如果称之为工作的话意为着有收入
Well, actually, calling it a job would imply that it pays.
所以这更像是一种使命
So it's more of a vocation.
没我想象的那么光鲜
Less glamorous than I imagined.
我如今觉得自己更像是阿曼德[《夜访吸血鬼》角色]
I thought by now I'd be like Armand,
但有时我觉得
but sometimes I feel like
自己正在转变为兰菲德
I'm halfway turning into a Renfield.
在我看来最糟糕的是孤独
I think the worst part for me is the loneliness.
我醒着的时候我的主人在睡
I'm awake when my master's asleep, and...
屋子里会很安静
the house gets quiet
很孤独但他醒着的时候
and it's lonely, but I'm also awake
无情者吉尔莫
巨人吉尔莫
我也醒着
when he's awake.
我总是醒着
I'm always awake.
有时我会想如果我还在帕尼罗面包店工作的话
You know, sometimes I wonder what my life would be like
我的生活会是什么样子
if I was still at Panera Bread.
我八成已经是经理了
I'd probably be manager.
我可以反过来去使唤别人了
I'd get to boss other people around for a change,
睡眠医保
sleeping, health insurance,
朋友
friends...
有报酬
...getting paid,
帕尼罗面包随便吃
all the Panera Bread you can eat.
但你也知道俗话说得好
But you know what they say:
心随所愿
the heart wants what the heart wants.
吸血鬼生活
第一季第十集
本季完
-晚上好吉尔莫 -晚上好主人
- Good evening, Guillermo. - Good evening, Master.
我有个信封要给您
I have an envelope for you.
好的塞进棺材里谢谢
Okay, pop it in the coffin. Thank you.
塞进来就好
Uh, just... pop it in there.
就...就...
That's... that's...
进来了吗
Is it in yet?
我读不了里面太暗了
I can't read it. It's too dark in here.
又是让我去参加陪审团的吗
Is it another summons for jury duty?
告诉他们我已经死了就好
Just tell them I'm dead.
不不这次是件很酷的事
Oh, no. It's something very cool.
我把您的DNA送去检测了
I had your DNA tested.
一家实验室进行了测试
A lab tested it.
他们是怎么拿到我的DNA的
How did they get the DNA?
他们是偷了我的精♥液♥吗
Did they steal my semen?
-什么不是 -我不会再让自己的精♥液♥被偷了
- What? No. - I won't have my semen stolen again.
不不是我...
No, I don't, I don't--
不我甚至不知道您说的这件事
no, I don't even know what that story is.
不这是很科学的
No, this is all very scientific.
好吧
Huh. Okay.
我说的那件事是
Well, the story is,
一些女巫偷了我的精♥液♥
some witches decided to steal my semen
把它放进了一个精♥液♥咒语里
and put it into a semen spell.
但根本没起作用还把精♥液♥弄得到处都是
But it didn't even work, and then they got semen everywhere.
但是这个好像更光明正大
But this seems much more aboveboard, so...
这个是利用科学来追溯
This just uses science to find out
你祖先的起源
where your ancestors came from.
还可以用来看你还有没有亲人在世
It could also be used to see if you have any living relatives.
在世的亲人
Living relatives?
查出来了
Here's yours.
你有
You have...
-什么 -你有
- What? - You have...
二十万直系后裔在世
200,000 direct living descendants.
真的很多啊
That's a lot.
那我当爷爷了
I'm a granddad?
严格地说你是
Well, technically, you're a...
太爷爷再往上三十辈
great-granddad times 30.
我在变成吸血鬼的时候
Becoming a vampire came
生活很奇妙
at a strange time in my life.
那时候我结婚了
I was married at the time
有37个老婆
to 37 women.
37个老婆都不怎么待见
My 37 wives weren't very happy
我当时所经历的转变
about the changes I was going through.
我变得很情绪化白天睡觉
I was becoming very moody, sleeping all day now.
晚上主要是在喝人血
Nighttime was mainly drinking people's blood.
搞得大家都很疲惫
Put a strain on all of us.
然后她们走了
Then they left,
37个都走了
all 37 of them.
那天晚上我很沮丧
It was a sad night for me,
因为其中35个都是我的真爱
because I really loved 35 of them.
那个时候
In those days,
父亲不怎么照顾孩子
fathers didn't really look after their children.
照顾孩子是女人的事情
It was down to the women.
有时候会交给友善的狼去照顾
And in some cases, a couple of friendly wolves.
我倒是去看望过我的孩子但是
I did try to visit my children, but...
他们很怕我因为
they were just afraid, you know, 'cause...
我是个吸血鬼趴在外面的窗子上
I'm a vampire floating outside the window.
嘿小宝宝
Hey, kiddies.
你的鼻子和我的一样
Hey, you've got my nose.
那是我最后一次见到他们
That's the last time I saw them.
我估计很可能都去世了
Probably dead now, I suppose.
另外一个很酷的事情是你可以查到
And another cool thing is, you can find out
他们有没有住在你附近
if any of them live near you.
其中有一个就
You have one of them
住在这里在斯坦顿岛
living right here in Staten Island.
玛德琳
Madeline.
好激动
Exciting.
-我们为什么要去图书馆 -最好是好事南多
- Why are we going to the library? - This better be good, Nandor.
-需要多长时间 -我正在清洗头骨
- How long is this gonna take? - I was cleaning my skull.
不会太久不会太久感谢配合
Not long, not long. Thank you.
各位我有一个令人激动的消息宣布
Everyone, I have some very exciting news.
吉尔莫检测了我的DNA
Guillermo has had my DNA tested.
你要小心这不是邪恶的女巫想要
You need to be careful that's not evil witches trying
-偷你的精♥液♥ -对女巫是精♥液♥小偷
- to pinch your semen. - Yes. Witches are semen stealers.
没有偷精♥液♥
There's no semen-stealing.
这很正式
It's very official.
结果装在一个信封里
It came in an envelope.
我其实对每个人的DNA都做了测试
I actually had everyone's DNA tested.
你怎么在我们不知道的情况下拿到我们DNA的
How did you get our DNA without us knowing?
到处都是你们的DNA
You literally leave it laying everywhere,
所以搞到并不难这是你的娜嘉
so it wasn't that hard. So, here's yours, Nadja.
不用了谢谢放到那堆火里烧了吧
No, thank you, please. Put that on the pile there for burning.
-你确定你不想打开 -不要测试我
- You sure you don't want to open it? - Don't test me!
好吧跳过
Okay, forget that.
-拉兹洛 -你敢
- So, Laszlo... - Don't you dare.
-你不想 -滚
- You don't want to...? - Bugger off.
这很不友好
That's not very nice.
好吧柯林·鲁宾逊
Okay. Colin Robinson.
-叮叮叮 -给你
- Ding-ding-ding. - There you go.
我能有击鼓声吗
Could I get a drumroll first?
-没有 -没有 -没有
- No. - No. - Nope.
那我自己来
Fine. I'll do my own.
坦白说如果女巫收集我的精♥液♥
Frankly, I would be flattered
我会很受宠若惊
if witches collected my semen.
这里说我是百分之百的白人
It says here that I am 100% white.
人们来自不同的地方
People are from all different places.
不可能只写了"白人"
It just can't say "White" on your paper.
"百分之百白人"
Oh, wow. "100% white."
没有其他"色调"
No other nuance.
告诉他们我的另一个消息吉尔莫
Tell them my other news, Guillermo.
好他有超过两百
Okay. He has over two hundred...
二十万直系后代在世
200,000 direct descendants living today!
我靠厉害啊兄弟
Fucking hell. Well done, chap.
谢谢拉兹洛
Thank you, Laszlo.
祝贺你南多