吸血鬼生活

我们家被选中举办
Our home has been selected to host
一年两次的的吸血鬼群P
the bi-annual vampire orgy.
南多
我们曾试过一年三次
One time they tried going triannual.
但那毫无意义 因为我需要
Which is bloody pointless, 'cause it takes me
至少六个月才能从一次群P里恢复
at least six months to recover from any orgy.
拉兹洛&娜嘉
没错
Yes, it does.
我们会玩得很开心的
We're gonna have some fun.
吸血鬼性♥爱♥就像披萨
Vampire sex is like pizza,
即使不好的时候感觉还是好的
in that even when it's bad it's good.
需要至少8个人参与其中
It's designed to be enjoyed by eight or more people.
可以选择"配料"
There's a choice of toppings.
早上的时候 你会说
And in the morning, you're like,
"我的鸡♥巴♥上怎么会有刺伤"
"Aah! Why do I have puncture wounds on my penis?"
吸血鬼性♥爱♥是欲望的嘉年华
Vampire sex is a carnival of desires.
到处是苍白的躯体
With pale bodies as far as the eye can see.
通奸 自♥慰♥ 撒尿 纠缠
Fornicating, diddling, widdling, snarling.
可以持续数年的一次超棒体验
An amazing experience that can last years.
还行
It's fine.
吸血鬼生活
第一季第九集
一年两次的群P前一周
晚上6点45分
-我们需要血喷泉 -好 血喷泉
- So we need the blood fountain. - Okay, blood fountain.
一些纯鸦♥片♥ 大概10公斤
And some real, pure opium. About ten kilos.
我上哪去找
Where would I find that?
我们需要在墙上挂一些性感的画
We need some sexy paintings for the walls.
我在想把我们这幅画
I was thinking we replace this picture of us
换成那幅 我们俩都裸着身子
with that lovely one where we were naked
-屁♥股♥里夹着樱桃 -嗯
- and we have cherries in our bums. - Yeah.
我们能在地毯上
Can we get some sort of protective spray
喷满保护喷雾吗
to put all over the carpet?
因为拉兹洛会在地毯上射得到处都是
Because Laszlo will spray all over the carpet.
你不明白的是
What you don't understand is
举办一次糟糕群P会带来的污名
the stigma attached to throwing a poor orgy.
我认识有因为举办了糟糕群P
I mean, I've known people who have committed suicide
而自杀的人
after a poor orgy.
我倒不会这么夸张就是了
I wouldn't go that far.
但我会杀了你
I would kill you, though.
然后再自杀
And then I'd kill myself.
这种耻辱是永不会消失的
There's no recovery from that humiliation.
我都不想提 但1937年
I don't like to even speak of it, but the notorious orgy
-那次臭名昭著的群P -不要 不要
- of 1937, well... - No, no, no, no, no, no.
那个年份都不要提
Don't even say the year.
很多糟糕的闲谈
It was a lot of just very terrible chitchat.
我都不忍♥提起举办了那次灾难的
I cannot even speak the name of the vampire
吸血鬼的名字
that organized that monstrosity.
我不在乎 他叫麦克
I don't give a fuck. His name was Mike.
该死的麦克
Fucking Mike.
我们需要缅♥甸♥旧式阳元和阴元神图腾组合[印度教传统]
Oh, and we need an ancient Burmese lingam and yoni set.
保险起见 准备六套
To be safe, get six.
娜嘉 拉兹洛 听我说
Nadja, Laszlo, please.
吉尔莫是我的亲信
Guillermo is my familiar,
只有我能使唤他
only I can order him about.
谢谢你 主人
Thank you, master.
你有什么需要的吗
Is there anything you need?
需要他们刚才说的那些东西
All the things they just said.
吸水性强的毛巾 越多越好
And absorbent towels. Lots of them.
我差点忘了
I almost forgot.
最重要的是 我们一定 一定要
Most important, we must, must, must
找个鲜嫩的处子
get a succulent virgin feast.
关于这个 我一直想告诉你来着
Well, about that-- I've been meaning to tell you,
我好像把能找到的处子都找过了
I seem to have, uh, overfished that...
-毛巾你写了吗 -写了
- Did you write down the towels? - Yes.
你还得把那个躺椅盖起来
You need to re-cover that chaise longue.
因为我会射穿它
Cause I'll ejaculate straight through that.
我对群P唯一的担心是
My only concern about the orgy is, uh,
没有人会喜欢我的房♥间
that people won't enjoy my room.
从来没有人进来过
I've n-I've never had anyone in here.
我房♥间里装了迪厅的频闪灯
I have a strobe light up.
还有两个音响 用来放迷幻爵士
And a couple speakers playing, uh, some acid jazz.
还有什么来着 我还有
What else? I have my, uh,
忠厚的档案柜
my trusty filing cabinet.
我从小就想要个这样的柜子
I always wanted one of these
但是从来都没拥有过
when I was a child but never got one.
这是我买♥♥的第一个
It was one of my first purchases.
我还囤了些新斯波林[局部消炎药]
I also stocked up on some Neosporin.
这有一些画和照片
I have some paintings, some pictures.
我挂了这幅画 因为展示了人类的食物
I got this one because it shows human food,
要是有人来这里的话
and if I ever have a human in here,
他们就会有家的感觉
they'll feel at home.
这幅画是从假日酒店里找来的
Uh, I found it at a Holiday Inn.
我现在已经兴趣盎然了
I-I'm-I'm really getting into it.
很显然 群P的那种镜面天花板
Obviously, the orgy standard of having a mirrored ceiling
不适合吸血鬼
doesn't really work for vampires,
我们有自己的形式和风格
so we have developed our own way.
我不 我不知道你要我说什么
I don't... I... I don't know what you want me to say.
看到什么就说什么
Just describe what you see.
这个场景很漂亮 有人心旷神怡地骑在
Well, it's a beautiful scene. Someone is seductively riding,
烛台上 上下扭动
uh, a candlestick up and down.
有人在沙发上吸着也被别人吸着
Someone's on the couch sucking and getting sucked.
-大点声 -吸着
- Louder! - Sucking and...
不行 我是不会参与群P的 不行
No. I will not be participating in the orgy, no.
吉尔莫
南多的人类亲信
而且 我也不会亲完就到处去说
Besides, I-I don't, uh, I don't kiss and tell.
但是 我可以
But I can tell you,
告诉你
is that, uh...
我不接吻
I don't kiss.
我们需要细节
We need specifics.
我在对我的美臀做什么
What am I doing to my ass cheeks?
你在 你在舔它
You are, uh, you're licking it...
你就描述下你所看到的 这不难吧
Can you just describe what you see? It's not hard.
-乖宝宝 就是这样 -一定是我生日了
- Good boy, that's right. - Must be my birthday.
我没法 真对不起 我成长在天主教家庭
I can't. I'm sorry. I was raised very Catholic.
-我得 我需要缓一下 -好吧
- I need... I need a second. - Okay.
他们要求我做这个做那个
It's just a lot of demanding things.
严格来说 我都不是他们的亲信
I mean, I'm not even, technically, their familiar.
他们还一直命令我去做各种事情
They've just been asking me to do all kinds of stuff.
这是个情趣秋千 疯子 不是性♥爱♥网具
It's a pleasure swing, you fucknut, not a sex net.
那个才是性♥爱♥网具 把它拿出来
That's the sex net. Get that out of the box
然后安在天花板上
and attach it to the ceiling.
"吉兹莫 把假阳♥具♥拿来"
"Gizmo, get the dildos."
"吉兹莫 来试试假阳♥具♥"
"Gizmo, try out the dildos."
"假阳♥具♥怎么样"
"Mmm. How were the dildos?"
挺好用的
They're fine.
没人是疯子 好吗
No one is a fucknut, okay?
他在努力做好 拉兹洛
He's trying to finish it, Laszlo.
处子找得怎么样了 你有找到吗 没有
And what about the virgins? Have you got any yet? No.
-你当然没有 -但是我在...
- Of course you haven't. - Um, but I'm just trying...
"但是 但是 但是" 你就跟个但是永动机似的
"But, but, but." You're like a nonstop but machine.
这提醒了我 你买♥♥了那个
That reminds me, have you ordered
-屁♥股♥永动机吗 -你知道吗
- the nonstop butt machine? - You know what?!
我要休息个五分钟
I'm gonna take five minutes
免得我说出什么会后悔的话
before I say something I'm gonna regret.
冷静点
Easy there.
还砰地关门
Eh... Slam the door.
你就这么放过他
You gonna let him get away with that?
他已经走了 处罚不了他了
He's gone, he's gotten away with it.
这完全不能接受
And it is unacceptable.
我会和他谈谈
I will talk to him.
-咚咚咚 -晚上好 主人
- Knock, knock. - Oh. Good evening, master.
你有什么吩咐
Is there something you need?