吸血鬼生活

我最近重拾了对园林雕塑的爱
I have recently rediscovered my love for topiary sculpture.
拉兹洛
这是一门修剪灌木的艺术
The art of bush manipulation.
这儿有阿努比斯 埃及的死神
We have Anubis, the Egyptian god of death.
这是喀迈拉兽
Here is a chimera.
这个是我最骄傲的
This one, I'm the most proud of.
这是只兔子 因为它最后出来的效果
This is the bunny, simply because it ended up
和我想象中的完全一样
exactly the same as I had in my head.
-上面这个... -喂 拉兹
- And up here... - Yo, Laz!
什么事 肖恩
All right, Sean.
肖恩
那婊♥子♥又把我赶出来了 你能相信吗
Bitch kicked me out again. Can you believe it?
她就应该用你自己的括约肌
She ought to strangle you to death
把你勒死
with your own sphincter muscle.
-你说啥 -我说了一些
- What did you just say? - I said something
你会由衷同意的话
which you will heartily agree with.
嗯 我听见了 兄弟 太奇葩了
Yeah, I hear that, bro. That's-that's messed up.
晚安
Have a good night.
他老婆八成会杀了他
His wife will probably kill him.
这样我们做♥爱♥就能更爽了
Which leads me on to the fairer sex.
接下来你将要看到园林雕塑版的阴♥户♥
What you're about to see are the topiary representations of the vulvas
它们来自我最爱的妓♥女♥
of some of my favorite prostitutes
以及我爱过的女人
and women I have loved.
1888年 白教堂区的波莉·尼克斯
Polly Nichols from Whitechapel, 1888.
那是我的贤妻 娜嘉
Oh, that's my good lady wife Nadja.
她八成不乐意你看到 但管她的呢
Don't think she'd like you to see that, but who gives a fuck?
真美
Beautiful.
最后是南希·里根[美国前第♥一♥夫♥人♥] 有点凌乱
That's Nancy Reagan at the end. It's a bit untidy.
这是我的得意之作
And here we have the pièce de résistance,
我的母亲
my mother.
你逗我呢吧
You're kidding.
那是狼人的尿
That's werewolf piss.
狼人尿
Werewolf piss.
这箱子里装了我所有的捕狼人陷阱
This box contains all my werewolf traps.
这正是我们要找的 捕狼器
That's what we're looking for, the Wulfsfalle.
这玩意肯定管用
That'll do the business.
吸血鬼生活
第一季第三集
我是个早起的人吗
Am I a morning person?
我会充满激♥情♥地回答"是的"
That would be an enthusiastic "Yes."
柯林·鲁宾逊
元气吸血鬼
我真的很喜欢早上
I really enjoy the mornings.
我们去看看南多在干什么
Let's see what Nandor's up to.
南多
Nandor?
我起来后会很饿 得吃一整天
I wake up hungry, and I get to feed all day.
请走开 柯林·鲁宾逊
Go away, please, Colin Robinson.
南多 该起来猜歌♥名了
Nandor, it's time to name that tune.
吉尔莫 把他赶出去
Guillermo, get him out of here!
-能请您离开吗 -是我编的
- Will you get out of here? - I made it up.
-没看见我正睡觉吗 -请出去 出去
- Can't you see I am sleeping? - Please get out. Get out.
这是我的"晨间咖啡"
That's what I call my "morning cup of coffee."
丹 你好呀
Dan, how are you?
上午比较适合进食 因为人还没有完全
Mornings are great for feeding. People aren't really,
被日常的沮丧侵蚀
you know, frustrated yet by the entire day.
你要是不想要孩子的话
If you don't want to have kids,
我建议你把手♥机♥装在你裤兜里
then I would keep that phone in your pocket.
阿尼 我想了好久
Arnie. You know, I was thinking about the whole,
我们之前探讨的"棉签争论"
uh, Q-tip debate that we've been having,
科学研究说
and, you know, science says
比胳膊肘小的东西
that you shouldn't stick anything
都不应该放到耳朵里
smaller than your elbow into your ear.
会对耳道造成伤害
Talk about damage to the ear canal.
-我有说错吗 -我就是做不到啊
- Am I not right? - I just can't.
是啊 不对 还有
Yeah, no, and, uh...
办公室来了新人
There's someone new in the office.
如果你能在他们被这个地方折磨垮之前去接近他们
If you get 'em before this place grinds them down,
你就能吸到许多新鲜的元气
you get so much fresh energy.
咚咚
Knock, knock.
让我做回迎新特别委员会
Let me be the ad hoc welcoming committee.
我是柯林·鲁宾逊
I am Colin Robinson.
以后你会经常听到我的名字的
You're gonna be hearing a lot more about me.
-多半不会 -别
- Oh, probably not. - Oh, no.
别瞎说 人总是要说话的
Nonsense. People talk.
-他们是不会跟我说话的 -瞧瞧这个
- Not to me, they don't. - Look at that.
-个性化的名牌 -我做了一个
- Personalized nameplate, huh? - Yeah, I-I had it made because
因为大家通常不记得我的名字
people don't usually remember my name.
既然我俩现在关系还比较好
Since we're on friendly terms,
我就给你点小建议吧
let me give you a little advice.
那个饮水机 我有理由相信 里面的水没过滤
The water fountain, I have reason to believe, is not filtered.
我是不敢去饮水机那边的
I wouldn't dare go by the water fountain.
要是大家笑话我呢
What if everybody laughed?
大家为什么要那么做
Wh-Why... why would they do that?
你不知道我等了多久才听到句好话
You have no idea how long I've been waiting to hear a kind word.
自从母亲去世后我都是孤身一人 所以…
I've been all alone since Mother died, so...
我只是在和你搭话 我...
Oh. I'm-I'm just talking to you. I...
-别难过了 -谢谢你
- There, there. - Thank you.
-回头聊 -好的
- Talk later? - Yeah.
-真的吗 -是的 我说了我们会的
- Really? - Yeah, I said we would.
我很乐意回头再聊
I'd love to chat later.
刚才到底是怎么回事
Oh, what the hell was that?
我从她那里什么都没吸到
I didn't get anything from her.
完全没有
Nothing.
我觉得这个伊维有点不对劲
I think there's something weird about Evie.
这里是我和拉兹洛的地穴
This is mine and Laszlo's crypt.
我亲自装潢的
I decorated it myself.
这个生物对我来说很特别
This one is a very special creature to me.
我第一次见到拉兹洛时
When I first met Laszlo,
当时我和他一起在沼泽地里散步
I was walking on the moors with him,
这只猫头鹰飞过来抓了我的头
and this owl flew over and scratched my head,
然后我说"拉兹洛 杀了那个该死的贱♥货♥"
and I said, "Kill that fucking bitch, please, Laszlo."
如果我和拉兹洛要是有孩子的话
If me and Laszlo were to have ever had a child,
我估计孩子会长这样
I like to imagine it would look like him.
又小又硬
Small and hard.
我讨厌这只山羊
I hate this goat.
那是什么
What is that?
是狼人
It's werewolf.
从外面传来的声音
Coming from outside.
草坪上有个该死的大块头狼人
There's a bloody big werewolf on the lawn.
快点
Quick.
好恶心
Ew.
-好大一个 -快点 我们要把它弄进去
- Bloody big one. - Quick, we need to get it inside.
好臭
It stinks.
为什么它的脚在陷阱里
Why is its foot in a trap?
-拉兹洛 你布了陷阱吗 -什么
- Laszlo, did you lay a trap? - What?
不 和我完全没关系
No, no, nothing to do with me.
我们把它从草地上弄走
Let's just get it off the grass.
没事的 没事的
It's okay. It's okay.
没事的 我们是好邻居 好邻居
It's okay. The neighbors, the neighbors.
他要失去意识了
He's losing conscious.
-睡吧 -这样就对了 就是这样
- Go to sleep now. - That's it, that's it.
-睡吧 狼人先生 -好样的
- Go to sleep, Mr. Werewolf. - That's it.
好了 这边 赶紧
Okay, this way. Go, go.
-那个男孩应该来帮忙 -他在帮忙
- The boy should be helping. - He is helping.
-我们把它放在哪 地下室吗 -豪华房♥间
- Where do we take it, the basement? - Fancy room.
但我们才大扫除过
But we just spring-cleaned.
主人 靠它这么近安全吗
Master, is it safe to be this close to it?
很可能不安全 吉尔莫
Probably not, Guillermo.
等它醒了 它会杀了我吗
Well, when it wakes up, won't it kill me?
是的 很可能会 但我们要商量更重要的事
Yes, probably. But we have more important things to talk about.
我们要摆脱他
We need to get rid of him.
我说的摆脱是指...
And when I say get rid of him, I mean...
不行 狼人必须活下去
No! The werewolf lives.