我本坚强（2015）

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S04E11

Part 1 March 1, 2023, 4:45 p.m.

蠍子
Scorpions!
到处都是蠍子
There's scorpions everywhere!
什么？
我引起你们的注意了现在要宣布一件事
Now that I've got your attention, we have an announcement to make.
柴克把公♥司♥卖♥♥掉了我们都会发大财
Zach sold the company and we're all gonna be rich!
太棒了
That's amazing!
我们有很多人都有吉时乐的股票
A lot of us have equity in Giztoob.
股票当然就是马匹罗
Equity, of course, is horses.
所以当柴克明天签了文件
So when Zach signs those papers tomorrow,
没错我们就会有马匹
yeah, we get horses.
机器人不会怀孕唷
Robots can't get pregnant, yo!
CHERYL 大家都很担心你
C.H.E.R.Y./L., everyone's worried about you.
别扫我的兴
Quit harshing my buzz.
我觉得我正在失去你
I feel like I'm losing you!
That's gonna be, uh...
you know, a fascinating transition.
身为一个曾经有过许多前世的人
As someone who's had many past lives,
我可以很肯定地说我这一世的人生最悲惨
I can say for certain that this life is the worst.
我的前任情人
My former lover
要和另一个男人奥利佛结婚
is betrothed to another man, Oliver.
我为什么要坐在这儿？
Why did I sit here?
他大概正在跟乏味德鲁一起试吃蛋糕
Right now, he and Blandrew are probably tasting cakes.
蛋糕啊
Cakes.
我却跟一群我这辈子见过
Meanwhile, here I am on a school bus
最丑的小朋友坐在一辆校车上面
with some of the ugliest kids I have ever met!
我要带你去哪儿？
And where am I taking you?
去剧场看戏
To the theater
跟一群没才华的死老百姓看着别人过着我的梦幻人生
to sit with the no-talents and watch people live my dream at me.
你认为你应该演出百老汇音乐剧《猫》？
You think you should be in Cats? On Broadway?
对啊在百老汇我会是一只很棒的猫
Yes, on Broadway. I'd make a great cat.
白天几乎都在睡觉我窝在纸箱子里面超可爱的
I nap most of the day, I look cute in a cardboard box,
我讨厌洗澡我大部分的死对头都是小鸟
I hate taking baths, and most of my enemies are birds.
你也得会唱歌♥和演戏之类的
You also have to be able to sing and act and stuff.
我是才艺三全
I am a triple threat.
我会唱歌♥、跳舞而且我还找到把枪
I can sing, I can dance, and I found a gun.
崔普亲爱的
Tripp, darling!
亲一亲
Kiss, kiss.
Mwah.
我很惊讶你竟然还认得我因为我有了新造型
Surprised you even recognized me, what with my new look.
如果你是水族馆的保全
If you were an aquarium security guard,
你觉得你还会知道是我吗？
do you think you would know it was me?
我很高兴你又回来了
Well, I'm so glad you're back in town.
公♥寓♥的一切都好吗？
Is everything okay with the apartment?
你的内衣破了
A bunch of your underwear broke
因为有人想把它穿在一只煮熟的火鸡身上
because someone tried to put it on a cooked turkey.
你想要续租再让我知道
Well, let me know if you want to extend the lease.
我只希望你很快乐
I just want you to be happy,
我也不在乎待在… 我位于汉普顿的房♥子
and I don't mind staying at, um, my place in the Hamptons.
早安
Morning!
我超高兴你可以跟我一起住室友
I'm so glad you could stay with me. Roomies!
扫街车要来了
Mm, the street sweeper's coming.
我要去洗个澡
I'm gonna take a shower.
我只会待在城里两三天
I'm only in town for a couple of days.
你知道的我得开除我的经纪人
You know, I just gotta fire my agent
然后飞回洛城
and get back to LA.
等等什么？
Wait. What?
洛城啊
LA.
意思是“洛三矶” 那里超棒的
It means "Los Angle-es." It's so awesome there.
我已经引起了四次野火
I've already started, like, four wildfires.
不是啦
No,
我是说你要开除你的经纪人的事
I mean the part about you firing your agent.
你要开除我？
Are you firing me?
听好我在德瑞克的割礼上遇见伊莱鲁宾
Look, I met Eli Rubin at Drake's bris...
环球菁英国际经纪公♥司♥的伊莱鲁宾？
Eli Rubin? From UTI?
我猜是吧
Yeah, I guess.
反正呢他真的想要我不是当同志情人
Anyway, he really wants me. No homo.
崔普我发掘了你我替你找到第一份工作
Tripp, I discovered you. I got you your first job.
是我说服他们让你担任优栈网的全新代言人
I'm the one who convinced them to make you the new Trivago guy.
您需要找饭店吗？
Do you need a hotel, like, now?
离您家走路就能到的饭店？
Maybe one that's in walking distance from your house?
（不会开车）
你的人生很坎坷大家都嫌弃你
You lead a complicated life, and everyone's giving you shit.
优栈网
Trivago!
我知道杰奎琳但是伊莱对我有完整的生涯规划
I know, Jacqueline, but Eli's got, like, a whole plan for me.
我也有啊
And so do I!
你晚点再来办公室我会让你惊艳
You come by the office later and let me dazzle you.
你至少欠我这么一次
You owe me that much.
好吧
Oh, fine.
这下可好了菜单是用草书写的
Oh, great. The menu's in cursive.
我完全看不懂
I can't read this!
太好了
Wonderful.
（现烤窑烤披萨）
柴克舞技一流
Whoa, Zach's got moves.
我不是在跳舞快去拿我的肾上腺素笔
I'm not dancing. Someone get my EpiPen.
刚才有人摸过一只松鼠吗？
Was someone here touching a squirrel?
等我拿到我的股利我就要用我的钱
When I get my payout, I'm gonna use my money
杀死所有的松鼠
to kill all the squirrels.
我要学伊隆马斯克那样
I'm gonna do that thing Elon Musk did
让自己看起来怪怪的然后和一个街头女孩约会
where you get weird-looking and date a street child.
我要去环游世界
I'm gonna see the world.
伦敦、非洲、澳洲
London, Africa, Australia,
那里是往反方向冲马桶一路冲到天花板
where the toilets go the other way... right up to the ceiling.
还有我要自己出版我的书
Also, I'm gonna self-publish my book.
你一定会喜欢的柴克
You'd like it, Zach.
书里有一列魔法电车
It's got a magical trolley
也可以是一架飞机或一艘船
that can also be a plane or a boat.
电车不能那样啦你的书大错特错
Trolleys don't do that. Your book is wrong.
我要在周六晨间卡♥通♥节目上面打广♥告♥
And I'm gonna advertise it on Saturday morning cartoons.
金咪的书照过来
♪ Kimmy's book, take a look ♪
大伙儿这是金咪的书
♪ Everyone, it's Kimmy's book ♪
哇塞好酷的书哦老兄
"Whoa! Cool book, man."
这是金咪的书而且它会说话
"It's Kimmy's book. And it talks."
金咪的书正在热卖♥♥中真正的书不会说话
Kimmy's book available now. Actual book does not talk.
你要在电视上面打广♥告♥？
You're gonna advertise on TV?
替我照顾我阿嬷的那玩意？
The thing that babysits my grandma?
-对啊 -嘿红发妞
- Sure. - Hey, hey, Red.
听好我得借几张邮票
Listen, I gotta borrow some stamps.
我要寄给纽约市长白思豪一盒老鼠的头骨
I'm sending de Blasio a box of mouse skulls
原因我已经忘了
for reasons that I have forgotten.
你不问我们为什么要开派对吗？
Aren't you gonna ask why we're having a party?
这算是派对？
This is a party?
受虐癖在哪儿？
Where's the gimp?
如果你非得问受虐癖在哪儿那就是你
Oh. If you have to ask where the gimp is, it's you.
我们开派对的原因是柴克要卖♥♥掉公♥司♥
Well, the reason there's a party is 'cause Zach's selling the company.
瑞皮耶投资公♥司♥买♥♥下我们我们全都会发大财
Rapier Capital is buying us, and we're all gonna be rich.
是喔可是这地方到底在做什么？
Yeah, but what does this place even do?
噢你知道的嘛… 网际网路？
Oh, you know... Internet?
噢天啊
Oh, boy.
现在大家都想要不劳而获
Everybody wants money for nothing now.
在我那个年代你得学会一技之长
Back in my day, you learned a trade.
你不是当砌砖工就是当成衣工人或是妓♥女♥
You were a bricklayer or a garment worker or a prostitute.
莉莉恩我要拿那笔钱
Lillian, I'm taking the money.
我已经挑好一匹马的名字：
I've already picked out a horse's name:
马儿巨犬
Horse-o the Giant Dog.
别这么做红发妞
Don't do it, Red.
除了伪造中奖乐透彩券以外
There is no respectable way to get rich out of nowhere
没有平白无故就发大财的方法
except a lottery fix.
我要去拿一些邮票
Let's get some stamps.
♪ Meow, meow, meow ♪
♪ Meow, meow, now ♪
我们不是狗
♪ We're not dogs ♪
我们是猫
♪ We're cats ♪
-我打赌你办不到 -拿什么打赌
- Bet you couldn't do that. - Bet me what?
你的丑衬衫？
Your lame shirt?