我本坚强（2015）

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S04E04

Part 1 Feb. 22, 2023, 11:35 a.m.

（屋飞-派对怪物删剪片段载入中）
Nope.
不行！金摩西奥利芬你失去理智了
Nope, nope! Kimothy Olyphant, this is not justified.
你不能再为了这部蠢电影继续纠结了这样不健…
You have got to stop obsessing about this dumb... movie! It's not health...
闭嘴泰坦斯你上电视了耶！
Shut up, Titus. You're on TV.
（地下碉堡戏剧重现）
你们只是嫉妒我和牧师彼此相爱他是我的你们这些臭女人！
You're just jealous because the Reverend and I are in love. He's mine, you skanks.
我是金咪
I'm Kimmy!
你怎么会不知道？
How could you not know?
当他们说“假发留着吧” 你就不会问太多问题
When they say you can keep the wigs, you don't ask questions.
That's gonna be, uh...
you know, a fascinating transition.
请继续等候您的来电对我们很重要
Please hold. Your call is important to us.
屋飞
♪ HouseFlix ♪
带给您最好看的节目娱乐业唯一的优质选择
♪ Bringing you the best Of what there's left in entertainment ♪
屋飞
♪ HouseFlix ♪
不！我很生气我不管这首歌♥有多赞
No! I'm mad. I don't care how great this song is.
嘿红发妞我有剩菜
Hey, Red. I got leftovers.
我做了两人份的犹太咸布丁但是阿提死了
I made kugel for two, but Artie's dead,
我没吃我那一份因为那是咸布丁超恶的
and I didn't eat my share because it's kugel. It's disgusting.
你为什么愁眉苦脸？
What's with the frowny face?
我试着请屋飞把那部蠢纪录片拿下来
I'm trying to get HouseFlix to take down that dumb documentary.
Eh.
别痴心妄想了
Forget about it.
如果我在1970年代表演单人脱口秀学会什么
If I learned anything doing stand-up in the '70s,
那就是绝对别和挑衅者对杠
it's that you never engage a heckler.
你在1970年代是单人脱口秀喜剧演员？
You were a stand-up in the '70s?
是啊大家都是
Well, yeah. Everybody was.
我想说的是
All I'm saying is,
如果你是在山坡上被勒死那就算不错了
if you're gonna get strangled, a hillside ain't too shabby.
比在波士顿被勒死好太多了
Sure beats Boston.
-快点下台吧！ -嘿！
- Get off the stage! - Hey!
给我闭嘴！
Just shut up!
结果那家伙自己带了榔头
Turned out, that guy had his own hammer.
Whoa.
我得做点什么事莉莉恩
Well, I have to do something, Lillian.
大家看了那部电影会以为那一切都是真的
People are gonna watch that movie and think it's true,
就像我以为《科洛弗档案》是真的
like I did with Cloverfield.
根本就没有任何真♥相♥了
There's no truth anymore.
谁都可以找到事实来证明任何事情
People can find facts to back up anything.
比如说你知道林肯遇刺案是假造的吗？
For example, did you know that the Lincoln assassination was faked?
约翰威尔克斯布思是个演员
John Wilkes Booth was an actor.
（柴克吉时乐游戏公♥司♥）
Ugh.
工作来了
It's work.
柴克要我去匹兹堡参加什么科技的会议
Zach wants me to go to Pittsburgh to some tech thing.
这就跟我的头需要多一个洞一样多余
I need that like I need a hole in the head...
我只需要嘴巴、鼻子和耳朵就好了
besides my mouth, nose holes, and ears.
嘿匹兹堡？
Hey. Pittsburgh?
不你正好需要这躺旅行让你忘掉那部蠢电影
No, that's exactly what you need to get your mind off that dumb movie.
去吧玩得开心
Go. Have fun.
吃夹了薯条的三明治！
Eat French fries on a sandwich!
没错
Yes.
吃夹了薯条的三明治就会多了一只手可以用
With such a sandwich, one would have a free hand...
可以用来玩溜溜球
for, say, yo-yoing.
-你知道吗？ -几乎从来不知道
- And you know what? - Almost never.
我要跟你去！
I'm coming with you!
我受够了窝在楼上闷闷不乐
I'm sick and tired of moping around upstairs,
做两人份的餐点
making meals for two,
晚上带着塞了死猫的阿提的睡衣
crawling into bed at night with a bunch of dead cats
-爬上♥床♥睡觉… -很赞的故事好吧我们打包吧！
- stuffed into Artie's pajamas... - Neat story! Okay, great. Let's pack.
柴克你确定你不要跟我来吗？
Zach. Are you sure you don't want to come?
因为我对这些科技的玩意不太懂耶
'Cause I don't know a lot of this tech stuff.
就像是科技到底代表什么？那代表德州吗？
Like, what is "tech" even short for? Is it Texas?
你只要站在摊位后面放影片就行了
All you have to do is stand by the booth and play the video.
等等我会有一个摊位？
Wait. I'm getting a booth?
这些是你的材料
Here are your materials.
噢好吧
Oh, okay. Wait.
（未来大会：捣乱现状）
等等这场大会的主题是“捣乱”？
The theme of this conference is disruption?
那代表我六年级的科学课同学凯文也会去吗？
Does that mean Kevin from my sixth grade science class will be there?
我不知道谁会去
I do not know who's attending.
替我拍火车的照片
Take pictures of the train for me.
嗨泰坦斯！
Hi, Titus!
泰坦斯
Titus! Mwah.
-你要喝水吗？ -要跟体温一样热
- Can I get you a water? - Body-temperature, please.
金咪替安卓罗梅登先生来一杯温度怪怪的热水
Kimmy? A weirdly hot water for Mr. Andromedon, please.
-不要！我又不替你工作！ -她真糟糕
- No! I don't work for you! - She's terrible. - Mm.
所以《披风侠》的剧本写得怎样？
So how is The Capist coming along?
我都还没开始写耶
I haven't actually started writing yet.
不过我已经把前三季的披风
But I picked out all my capes
都挑好了外加圣诞节特别节目
for the first three seasons and the Christmas special.
你不交出剧本我们就拿不到钱
Well, we don't get paid until you hand in a script,
所以我在这段期间最好替你安排工作
so you're gonna need to book something in the meantime.
你听过一个叫做 “选择很重要”的剧团吗？
Are you familiar with an acting troupe called Choices Matter?
选择很重要…
Choices Matter.
真的吗？
They do?
-那不可能是真的 -他们会去学校演短剧…
- That can't be true. - They visit schools and do skits...
-没兴趣 -警告学生不能进行婚前性行为
- Pass. - ... to warn against premarital sex...
-逊毙了 -不能喝酒
- Lame. - ... drinking...
-无聊透顶 -拍摄开箱影片能用什么种族蔑称
- Snore. - ... which racial slurs you can use in unboxing videos,
我替你争取到试镜机会
and I got you an audition.
姊妹你不如给我吃没涂牛油的多谷面包吧
Girl, you may as well be offering me multigrain, no butter,
因为这才不是我的风格
'cause that is not how I roll.
泰坦斯我要对你实话实说
Titus, I'm gonna give it to you straight.
-恶心 -替你找工作并不容易
- Gross. - Finding you work has not been easy.
你的风评不太好
You have a reputation.
你游泳逃走两次表演工作
You swam away from your last two gigs.
我放水淹没梅西百货也算的话就是三次
Three, if you count that Macy's I flooded.
你不能这么挑剔如果你不吃饭我也没饭吃
You can't afford to be picky. If you don't eat, I don't eat,
无所谓因为我不吃饭
which is fine, because I don't eat.
不过能再去医美诊所打肉毒杆菌会挺不错的
But it would be nice to get Botox in a doctor's office again
这样就不必吃感染病菌的罐装肉品
instead of from eating improperly canned meats.
你要去参加那场试镜
You're going to that audition.
好啦
Fine.
告诉你的姊妹淘那杯水我要外带
Tell your girl I'll take my water to go.
金咪替泰坦斯的热水打包外带
Kimmy, box up Titus' water.
不！别再烦我了！
No! Stop bothering me!
我在家里有一个更糟糕的
I've got one at home that's worse.
（未来大会：捣乱现状）
你倒是看看这里的男女比例
Hey, would you look at the male-female ratio here?
这就跟那部电影《肠肠搞轰趴》一样
This is what the French call a "grand festival du sausage."
祝我舔舔好运
Wish me lick.
你听到了
You heard me.
噢先生
Oh, monsieur...
你的开♥发♥营运项目是什么？用户原创内容？
What's your DevOps? UGC?
你不如自己来看看
Why don't you U-G-see for yourself?
挖鼻屎、挖鼻屎超舒服
Pickin' boogs, pickin' boogs. It feels so good.
给它用力地挖
Gotta get up there!
看来我放错了影音档
That appears to be the wrong video file.
吉时乐的下一代演算法可以降低游戏延迟并且增加点击率
Giztoob's next-gen algorithm can reduce latency and increase CTR,
就算你的客户还在使用阴极射线管显示器
even if your client is still using a CRT.
他们用了那个笑话
They went there.
这不是你们阿嬷那个年代的介面
This is not your grandma's interface.
那就留给还在使用 Hotmail帐号♥的客户吧
We'll leave that to the people with Hotmail accounts.
别说出去但我还有一个Hotmail帐号♥
Don't tell, but... I have a Hotmail account.
我不会说啦！
I won't.
我的电邮地址是又黑又秃小老鼠免费网路点窃资达人
And my email is BlackNBald@freeInternet.IDTheft.
-我和我的室友一起用 -对啊我其实不是科技达人
- I share it with my roommate. - Yeah, I'm not really a tech guy.
他们派我来当公♥司♥的代言人
They just send me here to kind of be the face of the company.
我也是耶！我也是代言人
Me too. I'm a face too.
这一切我都不懂
I don't get any of this.
这是今天一整天我第一次跟别人眼神接触
This is the first eye contact I've made all day.
我超爱眼神接触
I love eye contact.
那就像脸部的握手
It's the handshake of the face.
-我是丹福 -我不是