我本坚强（2015）
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
第四季
剧集 | 我本坚强（2015） | 导航列表
我本坚强（2015）
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S04E06
Part 5
Feb. 24, 2023, 9:31 a.m.
an adult?
听好 这会伤透我的心 但是如果她想浪费她的人生
It breaks my heart, but if she wants to waste her life,
我也阻止不了她
well... I can't stop her.
我要复♥制♥我死去的狗狗 像是 一百次
I'm gonna clone my dead dog, like, 100 times.
我是说 首先
I mean, first...
我得找到一只活的狗 但是…
I gotta find a live dog, but...
很抱歉这不是我们要的 泰坦斯
I'm so sorry this didn't work out, Titus.
青少年奇幻影集 并不符合我们目前的节目表
Young adult fantasy just doesn't fit into our
全都是严肃的戏剧节目
current slate of gritty dramas
还有女人拆开皱巴巴的包裹
and women unwrapping crinkly packages.
可恶
Oh, darn.
我真的很想写
I really wanted to write
一百集的《披风侠》
100 episodes of The Capist.
是啊 所以葛雷肯尼尔
Yeah, so Greg Kinnear and The Capist
和披风侠本来会出现在第二集… ？
would have shown up in episode two or...
大概吧
Mm, probably.
这个点子也许一点就不优
Well, the idea may not have been good,
但是你… 你棒呆了
but you! Oh, you were terrific!
你真的很有魅力
Really charismatic.
你不是个编剧
You're no writer, Titus,
泰坦斯 但你是个天生的演员
but you're a natural-born actor.
当另一个人不说话时你就说话
And then when the other person stops talking, you talk.
嘿… 我们在制♥作♥凯瑟琳海格
Hey. We're producing
倒数第二次的最后一部作品
Katherine Heigl's second-to-last chance.
那会直接拍成影集 然后事先被取消
Straight to series, pre-canceled,
你最适合演
and you would be perfect
陪她一起走完长长的走廊的家伙
for the guy that walks down long hallways with her.
你想要去试镜吗？
You wanna come in and read?
我很乐意
I'd love to!
可是那条走廊到底有多长？
But how long are these hallways?
我是说 我的角色能不能坐轮椅？
I mean, could my character be in a wheelchair?
然后他踩到那颗球
And he stepped on the ball!
好吧 你们哪一个脏东西 是胶胶泰诺？
Okay, which one of you futon stains is Cappy Tylenol?
我
Me.
让我解释一件事 你这个穿人字拖上教堂的小屁孩
Let me explain something, you flip-flops-to-church toddler.
女人也是人
Women are human beings,
她们应该得到你的尊重
and they deserve your respect.
如果你在你的脑袋里听到一个声音说
If you hear a little voice in your head
就因为你能站着小便 还有能在沙乌地阿♥拉♥伯开车
saying that you're more important because you can pee standing up
所以你就比女人重要
and drive a car in Saudi Arabia...
别相信这种屁话
don't believe it.
现在 告诉你的朋友 你和赞之间到底发生什么事
Now, tell your friends what happened between you and Xan.
我们只做了十秒钟
We only did it for, like, ten seconds
-然后我就… -不是那档事啦
- before I... - No, not that.
我没有用保险套 是因为它们对我来说都太大了
We didn't use a condom because they're all too big for me.
不是啦 天啊 另一件事
No. Jesus. The other stuff.
赞没有背着我劈腿
Xan didn't cheat on me.
我慌了手脚 所以我就编了关于她的一堆谎言
I got scared, so I made up a bunch of lies about her.
那不是我的错
It's not my fault.
谁叫大家都相信男人的话？
Why are men so believed?
赞
Xan.
顺道一提 我并没有怀孕
Just FYI, I'm not pregnant,
但是现在我要跟你分手
but now I'm breaking up with you.
不是因为你说了关于我的谎言
Not because you lied about me
而是因为你的口气闻起来像燻肠
but because your breath smells like bologna...
就算你并没有吃燻肠
even when you haven't eaten bologna.
我们走吧
Let's go.
Oh!
抱歉 臭男生
Sorry, boys.
她要跟我们走
She's coming with us.
然后给史丹利叔叔
And to Uncle Stanley,
我留下我超搞笑的恶作剧 和喜剧桥段收藏
I leave my collection of hilarious practical jokes and gags.
那是1967年11月的
That's for November 1967.
整到你了
Gotcha.
我的儿子 伊森
My son, Ethan.
大家不会感到惊讶
It'll come as no surprise that
你将接管大自然超♥市♥
you'll take over Big Naturals
并持有所有不动产的股份
and all its real estate holdings,
立即生效
effective immediately.
谢谢你
Thank you, thank you.
我的女儿
My daughter,
希芭
Sheba,
跟着她请来的鼓手打的节奏 踏上自己的路
marched to the beat of her own drummer...
顺道一提
which, by the way,
那个鼓手的费用 比你们想像的贵很多
was much more expensive than you might think.
那家伙像犹太人一样匡了我
That guy really jewed me.
我可以这么说
I can say that.
不是因为我是犹太人 而是因为我挂了
Not 'cause I'm Jewish. 'Cause I'm dead.
告我呀
Sue me!
不过说真的
But seriously.
我给希芭的遗产 仍然会保留在信讬基金
Sheba's inheritance will remain in a trust
现在的管理者将是我的儿…
that will now be administered by my son...
咱们在地狱见吧 莉莉恩
See you in hell, Lillian.
… 童般身材的女友
... of a gun of a girlfriend,
莉莉恩朵麦特考西塔波
Lillian Dolemite Kaushtupper.
什么？ 那不可能 什么？ 那不可能
What? That can't be right!
希芭 亲爱的 我爱你
Sheba, darling, I love you,
但我不能让你的哥哥 承担你的… 问题
but I can't burden your brother with your... challenges.
莉莉恩 老实说
Lillian, you have the heart,
你比较有心、
the toughness, and...
你比较强悍 你也比较有时间
the time on your hands. Let's be honest.
你是说这个吃洗衣胶囊的小屁孩 只要每次需要钱
You mean, every time this Tide Pod-eating brat wants money,
她都得请求我的允许？
she has to call me for permission?
我每次需要钱买♥♥洗衣胶囊
And every time I need
好让我吃下去
money to buy Tide Pods so I can eat them,
我都得打给她？
I've gotta call her?
-我要开那间万圣节专卖♥♥店 -你想都别想 小妞
- I'm opening that Halloween store. - Like hell you are, young lady!
她们已经在吵架了 对吧？
They're already fighting, aren't they?
很美的风景
It's a pretty view,
对吧 杰？
isn't it, Jan?
那朵云看起来像一条龙
Whoa, that cloud looks like a dragon!
真的很像
Mm-hmm. It sure does.
其他的云看起来像什么？
What do the other clouds look like?
那是一个冰淇淋圣代
That's an ice cream sundae, and...
真是的
Oh... boy, Kimmy,
金咪 这些想像的用品真的很重耶
those imaginary supplies sure feel heavy.
我们要去很远的地方
Well, we're going on a long trip.
酷喔
Uh... cool, cool.
Um...
去哪里？
where?
别担心
Don't worry.
我们很快就会到的
We'll be there soon.
金咪…
Kimmy...
金咪 我为什么这么重？
Kimmy, why am I so heavy?
金咪
K-Kimmy?
让我们谈谈嘛
Let's talk about this!
拜讬
C-come on!
看看我
Come on! Look at me!
金咪…
Kimmy. Kimmy.
我不只是给小孩子背的背包
Kimmy, I'm not just a backpack for a little kid!
我可以做大人的事 你可以把工作的文件放进来
I can do adult stuff! You can put work papers in me!
或是A书
Or pornography!
不 别这么做
No! Don't do this!
我里面还有半包水果软糖耶
There's half a pack of Starburst in me!
你可以拿去
You can have it!
大部分都是橘色的 不过我认识一个家伙有粉红色的
It's mostly oranges, but I know a guy who can get pinks!
-“未知来电”？ -那真令人兴奋
- "Unknown"? - That's exciting!
陌生人只是你还没认识的朋友
Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet!
喂？
Hello?
（YouTube付费频道）
嗨 请问这是 《葛里姆拉斯传说》的作者吗？
Hi. Is this the writer of The Legends of Greenmulax?
-你怎么会有这个号♥码？ -那就在你的小说封面上呀
- How'd you get this number? - It was on your book.
我本坚强（2015）
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
剧集 | 我本坚强（2015） | 导航列表