我本坚强（2015）

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S04E09

Part 7 Feb. 28, 2023, 11:29 a.m.

（屋飞原创电影《末路神屋》）
Hiyah!
大家好吗
How's everybody doing?
我们爱你杰克
Love you, Jack.
（杰克直男领衔主演）
杰克你的电影卖♥♥了几十亿美元
Jack, your movies have made billions,
大家都说今年的奥斯卡奖非你莫属
but people are saying this is your Oscar.
我的双腿也许断了但是我的精神永不放弃
My legs may be broke, but my spirit ain't.
神啊我希望那根扫把能够把你的烦恼全都扫光
Lord, I wish that broom could sweep away your troubles.
我要一座小金人我超想要的
I want an award. I want one so bad.
那不是我演戏的原因
That's not why I do this.
真正的英雄是这家伙菲佛邓彻斯
The real hero is this guy, Fievel Dunches.
川卜史蒂芬斯
Trumbull Stevens.
他们是真正的退伍军人我有幸在这部片中饰演他们
The real-life veteran I had the honor of portraying in this film.
他们把一个男人踢出军队就因为他坐在轮椅上
They kicked this man out of the army just for being in a wheelchair.
然后他们迫♥害♥他、追捕他
Then they persecuted him, hunted him down
就因为他偷走了一些机密
simply because he stole a few secrets.
-你太帅了 -现在多亏有这部电影
- You're so handsome! - But now, thanks to this movie,
他又重返军队可以取得比以前更多的机密
he's back in the army, with access to more secrets than ever!
艾芙琳往我这里看
Evelyn, look at me!
不管他说什么千万别听他的
Whatever he's saying, don't listen to him.
他是神经病
He's mental.
-艾芙琳女爵士 -好耶噢
- Dame Evelyn! - Yes!
-天啊 -艾芙琳女爵士
- Mwah. - Dame Evelyn!
请看这里
- Look here, please. - Oh.
杰克你们离婚后你有没有和珍妮艾莉琼斯谈过话
Jack, have you talked to January Jones since your divorce?
我和她会永远互相尊重
She and I will always respect each other.
我们曾经拥有过…轰轰烈烈的爱情
What we had was... intense.
（从头到脚趾相爱）
（杰克和珍妮艾莉被看到戴着对方的脚趾）
但是我是来谈这部非常重要的电影
But I'm here to talk about this important film
而且我很荣幸能够演唱电影主题曲
and how honored I was to perform the title song,
“末路神屋括号♥ 派对男孩就得碰碰碰”
"The Place by the Road, parentheses, Party Boy Gotta Bump Bump Bump."
我爱你们
I love you all.
Hiyah!
很好你回家了
Oh, good. You're home.
I, uh...
我辞掉我的工作
I quit my job,
因为就像《我要飞上天》那部电影中的葛妮丝派特洛
because, like Gwyneth Paltrow, in A View From the Top,
我在西亚拉航♥空♥并不满足
I wasn't satisfied at Sierra Airlines.
我渴望得到更好的工作
I craved the big time...
皇家航♥空♥的巴黎航线
the Paris route on Royalty Air.
你在开我玩笑吗
Are you kidding me?
你干的好事在新闻台一直在播
What you did is all over the news.
川普先生的情况稳定
Mr. Trump is in stable condition
他目前正在川普国际医院赌场和烧烤店就医
at Trump International Hospital, Casino, and Grill,
他的朋友一个都没有正陪在他身边
where his best friend, nobody, is by his side.
我死了将近六分钟
I died for almost six minutes,
（川普：最伟大的心脏病发作）
那时
during which time
我看到地狱
I saw hell.
全都是鲁蛇真可悲
Full of losers. Sad!
川先生…
Mr. Tr...
你怎么能这么对我们
How could you do this to us?
你怎么能对我们家做这种事
How could you do this to our family?
“我们家”
"Our family"?
我试着想要弄钱拯救我们家
I tried to get the money to save our family.
我做了我必须做的事因为你不肯
I did what I had to do because you won't.
你不是个男人
You're not a man!
是吗
Oh, yeah?
我会让你看看我到底是个什么样的男人
I'll show you what kind of man I am!
够了
Uh, okay.
而且我会去弄到那笔钱
And I'm gonna get that money!
因为我会照顾我老婆
Because I take care of my wife,
就像一个正港的男子汉
like a real man.
就像和德国录音师雷纳特布劳尔
Like Elton John
结婚的艾尔顿强一样
when he was married to German sound engineer Renate Blauel!
（SVA戏院《末路神屋》）
嘿杰克我们得谈谈
Hey, Jack. We gotta talk.
跟你说过不能在公开场合见面
I told you, never in public.
（90分钟后）
杰克拜托
Jack, please.
我不能直接给你两万五你知道的
I can't just give you $25,000. You know that.
我已经走投无路了
But I got nowhere else to turn.
就算我想给你钱美容教会把我的钱都拿去
Even if I wanted to, Cosmetology holds all my money for me
以免被银行抢走
to keep it safe from banks.
是啊你不能信任银行
Yeah, can't trust banks.
可是如果你不帮我…我不知道哦
But if you won't help me out... I don't know.
我打赌《国家询问报》一定会给不少钱想知道
I bet The National Enquirer would pay good money
杰克直男喜欢和谁一起玩彭彭丁满历险记
to hear who Jack Straightman likes to play Timon and Pumbaa with.
你敢这么做我就会派出美容教会的黑猩猩咬你
You do that, and I'll sic the Cosmetology chimp on you.
那是一只超愤怒的青少年黑猩猩
It's an adolescent, and it's angry.
-你有24小时 -麦奇…
- You got 24 hours. - Mikey.
麦奇拜托
Mikey, please.
麦奇
Mikey.
麦奇
Mikey!
噢天啊
Oh, boy.
不不对那就是害我惹上这麻烦的玩意儿
No, not boy. That's what got me in this pickle.
Not pickle.
谁是我看到下这辆车的义大利肉丸
Who's the meatball I just saw get out of this vehicle?
葛蕾琴上将
Admiral Gretchen.
我们谈过这件事了我们治好你的同性恋记得吗
We talked about this. We cured your homosexuality, remember?
我们当时在沙漠中还有蛇呀
We were in the desert with snakes.
我当然记得罗
Obviously I remember,
可是这家伙想要勒索我
but this guy's trying to blackmail me.
可惜你和珍妮艾莉的合约到期了
Too bad your contract with January just ended.
你得搞定这件事杰克你得结婚
You need to get ahead of this, Jack. You've gotta get married
愈快愈好
fast.
我该怎么在24小时内找到一个新老婆
How am I supposed to find a new wife in less than 24 hours?
Ah!
创办人指派我管理这个教会
The Founder put me in charge of the church.
他躺在几乎立刻成为他的临终病榻做出那个决定
He made that decision on what almost immediately became his deathbed,
我不会让你毁了他的遗志
and I will not let you destroy his legacy,
所以随便找个傻妞赶快跟她结婚
so find some dumb girl and get it done!
现在恕我失陪
Now, if you'll excuse me,
我去见我老公雪利已经迟到了他绝对还活着
I'm late to meet my husband, Shelly, who's definitely alive,
而你刚刚才错过他
and you just missed him.
孤独绝望…
Desperate. Alone.
没有戒指
No ring.
有点奥皮泰勒的感觉
Kind of a Opie Taylor vibe.
她是完美人选
She's perfect.
麦克快接电♥话♥
Michael! Pick up the phone.
听好我…
Look, I...
时间到了辛蒂瑞拉
Time's up, Cindy-rella.
莉莉恩拜托再给我们一天的时间
Lillian, please, give us one more day.
再给一天的时间
One more day?
我看起来像什么闰年吗
What do I look like, a leap year?
我不是
Well, I'm not.
一年只有365天宝贝
Three sixty-five, baby.
你不能赶我们走占地者的权利
You can't make us leave. Squatter's rights.
算你聪明小妞
Oh-ho, nice try, girlie.
可是你要知道死人什么权利都没有
But you see, dead people ain't got no rights.
没错你听到我说什么
Yeah, that's right. You heard me.
如果你们不给我搬出去我和我的小喽啰
You don't clear out of here, me and my boys
就会把你开膛剖肚就像是…
are gonna gut you like a...
拜托那种会游泳的玩意儿…
Ah, boy. The swimmy things. Blub-blub-blub.
一条鱼
A fish?
谢谢你拜托
Thank you. Ah, jeez.
千万别变老甜心
Don't grow old, honey.
如果你杀了我们我们就不必担心会变老了
Well, if you kill us, we won't have to worry about that.
那倒是真的
Yeah, it's true.
如果我杀了你和你的家人
If I murder you and your family,
把这间公♥寓♥变成一间制毒工厂这本来就是我的打算
turn this apartment into a meth lab, as is my stated desire,
你就不会变老了
you won't grow old.
你在虚张声势
You're bluffing.
我不觉得你有杀过任何人
I don't think you've killed anyone.