我本坚强（2015）

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S04E05

Part 2 Feb. 23, 2023, 11:30 a.m.

It's a silverware industry publication.
我的一个前任爱人负责写他们的性♥爱♥专栏
A former lover of mine writes their sex column.
如果你没有一个爷兽这出剧就不会好到哪儿去
Well, it's not gonna be any good if you don't have a Beest.
你在威胁要辞演吗？
Are you threatening to quit?
臭小子我在包尿布的时候就威胁要辞演了
Son, I was threatening to quit back when I was in diapers!
那是一支成人纸尿布的广♥告♥ 而且我被开除了！
It was for an adult diapers commercial, and I was fired!
你知道吗？算了啦！我宁愿去参加摔角队
You know what? Forget this! I'd rather do wrestling anyway
这样才能跟艾瑞克和亚当混！
so I can hang out with Eric and Adam!
Uh!
小屁孩我又不了解你的人生！
Bitch, I don't know your life!
第一个议程校剧我听说家长都买♥♥不到票
So, uh, first up, school play. I'm told that parents can't get tickets?
票都在我们这儿
We do.
我和我的同事跟这间学校一点关系都没有
My associate and I are in no way affiliated with this school,
但是我们把春季音乐剧的门票通通都买♥♥走了
but we did buy all the tickets to the spring musical.
我们要以每张门票 30美元的价钱卖♥♥给你们
We're gonna sell them back to you for a mere $30 apiece.
我当初为什么不认真学会怎么避孕？
Why didn't I learn how contraception works?
不行把你们的钱收起来
No, no, no, no. Hey, no. Put your money away.
我们每次一转身就得替孩子们付钱
Every time we turn around, we're paying.
我才不要花30块钱美金
Well, I'm not spending 30 bucks
看我的孩子打扮成一罐沙士在舞台上跳来跳去
to watch my kid dance around dressed like a can of root beer.
所以你不会去看校剧？
So you're not gonna go to the play?
你在虚张声势
You're bluffing.
不你才在虚张声势
Uh, no, you are.
这也许是垄断市场但猜怎么着？
We may be a captive market, but guess what.
这也是唯一的市场
We're the only market.
如果我们不买♥♥单谁还会买♥♥你们手上的票？
If we say no, who else is gonna buy those?
所以我的出价是一张门票5块钱
So... my offer is five dollars a ticket.
-对 -没错
Yeah.
天啊我讨价还价输给了一个穿休闲长裤的家伙
Oh, God. I'm getting out-negotiated by a guy in Dockers.
-休闲长裤耶莉莉恩 -别担心小妞
- Dockers, Lillian. - Don't worry.
我们会把这些门票卖♥♥掉老兄
We're gonna sell these tickets, pal,
等你们的小孩发现你们没去看戏
and when your kids realize that you're not there
他们就会哭得惨兮兮
and they burst out crying,
boo-hoo-hoo-hoo,
我就会哈哈大笑
I'm gonna laugh.
Heh-heh-heh!
Ho-ho!
了吗？我们走
Understand? Come on!
欢迎光临戴洛婚纱店
Welcome to Darryl's Bridal.
韦恩太太？我正想到你
Mrs. Wayne? I was just thinking about you!
我刚刚花了一个小时卖♥♥一件婚纱给一个啰哩叭唆的肥婆
I just spent the last hour selling wedding dresses to this mouthy dump truck,
那时候我一直在想
and the whole time, I was thinking, "You know,
“这只大肥猪可以向金咪韦恩学学怎么做个女人”
this beef wagon could learn a thing or two from Kimmy Wayne."
没错！瞧看看你
Yes! See, look at you:
安静、尽责、脸色苍白、骨盆很大
silent, dutiful, pale, really good pelvis.
如果你不是我的好麻吉的老婆我早就会…
If you weren't my best friend's wife, I would try...
有地方让我们谈谈吗？
Is there someplace we can talk?
“我大概会试着跟你上♥床♥”我本来想这么说拜托别打岔
"I would probably try and have sex with you," is what I was gonna say. Don't interrupt me.
好啊我们可以去那里
Yeah, we can go right this way. Okay... whoa!
男士优先谢了
Men first. Thanks.
你什么？
You what?
那部纪录片都搞错了
The documentary got it all wrong.
迪克韦恩是个怪物
Dick Wayne is a monster...
而且不像饼干怪兽是好的怪物
and not a nice one like Cookie Monster,
而是可怕的怪物… 如果你是饼干的话
a scary one, like... Cookie Monster if you were a cookie!
这就像踢中我的蛋蛋…两颗蛋蛋！
Well, isn't this just a kick in the nut? Nuts.
还有一根老二
And a penis.
我只是不敢相信他们也把你洗♥脑♥了
I just can't believe it. They got to you too.
到底是谁机车拉蕊… 和她老公机车比尔？
Who was it? Killary and her husband, Kill?
等等你不相信我？
Wait. Do you not believe me?
这个嘛我不知道我该相信谁？我的好麻吉或是一个疯婆娘
Jeez, I don't know. Who should I trust, my best friend or some woman
她刚刚告诉我她早上十点半不想吃布丁？
who just told me that she doesn't want pudding at 10:30 in the morning?
听好我看过你的部落格我知道你对人生很失望
Look, I've read some of your blog. I know you've had disappointments.
好吧听好了
Okay, look.
“让人前后为难”是一句俗语！
"Between a dock and a hard plate" is a saying.
就像你那次参加《命运之轮》还有你老妈是个同性恋
Like your appearance on Wheel of Fortune. There's also your mother's homosexuality.
那跟这件事有什么关系？你为什么要提…还有…
What does that have to do with it? Why would you...
我妈…我们在谈…
My mom... We're having a convers...
然后我…
And then you...
你为什么要提这些…
Why does that have to come in if I... Mm!
我是故意丢到那里的
I was aiming for that.
我只是想要了解
I'm just trying to understand...
你不可能了解当今在这个国家
You couldn't possibly understand
当一个男人的感受
what it is like to be a male in this country today.
你们女人的日子过得太好了
You females have it so easy.
虾米？
Ex-squeeze me?
拜托女人的身体制♥造♥母奶那就算是“很美妙”
Oh, please. Like, how come when your body makes milk, it's "beautiful"?
身为一个女人我可以告诉你我们并不都是妖娇美丽的封♥面♥女♥郎♥
Well, as a woman, I can tell you it's not easy, breezy, beautiful CoverGirl!
当女人很难耶！
It's tough!
超难的！巴根沙士有够呛！愚蠢的骗喝汽水校委会
Ford tough! Barq's has bite! Stupid Soda Trickery Council.
我在戴洛婚纱店当了15年的初级销♥售♥员
I have been a junior salesman at Darryl's Bridal for 15 years.
我看过女人真正的面貌
I have seen what females truly are.
你们只关心婚戒和婚纱
All you care about is the ring and the dress,
你们没有一个愿意跟我约会！
and not one of you will go out with me!
因为来这里的女人都订婚了啊
Because the women who come in here are engaged.
可是我也会把她们的老妈呀！
But I also hit on their moms!
你们都说：“我想找一个有幽默感的好男人”
You all say, "I want a nice guy with a sense of humor,"
然后当我站在你们后面一边按♥摩♥你们的肩膀
and then when one is standing right behind you,
一边让你们看婚纱的时候你们却说：“那个笑话是种族歧视”
rubbing your shoulders while you're looking at dresses, it's all, "That joke is racist, sir."
你们男人不管是什么事都只会怪别人不会怪自己！
All you guys do is blame everyone but yourself for everything!
因为一切都是别人的错啊！
Because that's whose fault it is!
这个社会本来很合理
Society used to make sense:
核心家庭、异性恋婚姻、白人四分卫
nuclear families, straight marriages, white quarterbacks.
牧师就是想要让我们回到那个世界
That is the world that the Reverend was trying to get back to.
别再说了
Do not say it.
他建造地下碉堡是为了恢复传统价值
The bunker was a return to traditional values.
男人都很强悍而且很会看地图
Men are strong and good at maps,
所以他们会照顾女人
so they take care of women.
女人都很柔弱
And women are weak,
所以她们只会照顾小孩
so they can only take care of children.
小孩只会照顾小狗
Children take care of dogs.
小狗照顾小猫
Dogs take care of cats.
小猫…只会做它们做的事
And cats... just do their thing.
我很柔弱
I'm weak...
但是你你很强悍吗？
but you, you're strong?
我在圆形烧烤餐厅握力比赛得到“猛♥男♥”的头衔你说咧？
Well, I got "macho man" on a grip tester at the Ground Round, so you tell me.
好吧那么你何不让我看看天下万物的自然法则法兰？
All right. Why don't you show me the natural order of things, Fran?
拜托…那是男人的名字！
Oh, come... It's a man's name!
你知道吗？好吧小妞
You know what? All right, missy.
准备被我彻底打败吧
All aboard the pain train.
你是个男人！这是唯一的解释！
You are a man! It's the only explanation!
这个国家的男人到底是怎么了？
What the heck is wrong with men in this country?
还用你说奥利佛辞演了！
Tell me about it. Oliver quit!
不你不能这么快就把这件事扯到你身上
No, you are not making this about you that fast.
-法兰达德站在牧师那一边！ -当然罗
- Fran Dodd took the Reverend's side! - Sure.
大家都习惯自己的思考模式不喜欢别人说他们是错的
People get set in their ways. They don't like to be told they're wrong.
记得你跟我说那是《欲望和城市》我有多生气吗？
Remember how mad I got when you told me it was Sex and the City?
嗯
Um, yeah.
我当然记得
I sure do.
（猪！）
但是这些男人的人格破碎
But these guys are just broken!
他们让我想到我跟他住了一、两个月的养父
They remind me of this foster dad I lived with
-当时我妈正在坐牢… -抱歉时间到了
- while my mom was in jail... - Mm, sorry.
轮到我了奥利佛辞演了！
Time's up, so my turn. Oliver quit!
你的爷兽？为什么？
Your Beest? But why?
他演不来他都唱不了…
He couldn't cut it! He couldn't even sing...
我只要求你屈服于我
♪ All I ask is you obey me ♪
就像你屈服于你的口渴
♪ Like you obey your thirst! ♪
雪碧
♪ Sprite! ♪
真是的泰坦斯也许你把这些歌♥写得太难唱了
Boy, Titus, maybe you're making these songs too hard.
太难唱了？
"Too hard"?
很抱歉我这么在乎喔
Well, excuse me for caring.
我从来都没有参加过校剧的演出因为在我的家乡
You know, I never got to be part of a school play