我本坚强（2015）

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S04E09

Part 8 Feb. 28, 2023, 11:29 a.m.

噢是吗
Oh, yeah?
我已故的丈夫罗伦
Uh, my late husband, Roland,
我下属迪亚哥
my boy Diego,
葛斯塔沃福林
Gustavo Fring,
《胖妞罗珊》的第一个贝琪
the first Becky from Roseanne...
我猜基本上只要是挡我路的人我都杀无赦
well, I guess basically anybody who gets in my way.
你猜你现在在哪里贱♥货♥
And guess where you are, bitch.
神啊给我一个征兆
God, send me a sign.
我迷失了
I'm so lost.
你也一样感到困惑、走投无路吗
Are you also confused and out of options?
我的行李全都不见了我不能回家
All of my luggage is gone, and I can't go home
因为我老公是个渣男
because my husband is... garbage.
我猜《双面情人》是对的
I guess Sliding Doors is right.
一切都是随机发生
Everything is just random.
错了
Wrong.
你能掌控你自己的命运
You are in control of your destiny.
我一直都是这么以为的但是我怎么会沦落到这里
That's what I always thought, but... then what am I doing here?
不好意思你看起来很眼熟
I'm sorry. You look really familiar.
你来自印第安纳州吗
Are you from Indiana?
不是
Oh, no.
我的天啊
Oh, my God, you're
-你是杰克直男 -罗纳德…泰坦斯…
- Jack Straightman? - Ronald Wil... Titus...
杰克直男
Jack Straightman.
没错
Yeah.
Wow.
我唯一一次见到一个电影明星
The closest I've ever been to meeting a movie star
是当泰拉蕾德在我住的城市的水上乐园溺水
was when Tara Reid drowned at a water park in my town.
我能不能…请你吃晚饭
Can I buy you dinner?
美容教会在一夜之间让我所有的梦想都成真吗
Did Cosmetology make my dreams come true overnight?
当然不是罗
Of course not.
我有好几次甚至考虑过要离开教会
There were even times I considered leaving the church,
但是有一天我从一架直升机上面被推出去
but then one day, after being pushed out of a helicopter,
撞穿了车顶跌进一辆
I crashed through the roof and into the trailer
知名美容教会布偶的拖车
of a well-known Cosmetology puppet.
佛朗帕斯先生
- Mr. Frumpus? - Shh.
我不能说
I can't say.
但是为了不让我说出我在那里看到的事…
But in exchange for not talking about the things I saw in there...
他们就让我演出一支美容教会的音乐录影带
... I was given a part in one of the church music videos.
葛蕾琴万岁
♪ All hail Gretchen ♪
创办人死于自然原因
♪ The Founder died Of natural causes ♪
死于自然原因
♪ Of natural causes, Of natural causes ♪
嘿大家看啊
♪ Hey, everybody, look ♪
那是葛蕾琴的丈夫雪利
♪ There's Gretchen's husband, Shelley ♪
雪利恰克还活着
♪ Shelley Chalker is alive ♪
雪利恰克还活着
♪ Shelley Chalker is alive ♪
葛蕾琴万岁
♪ All hail Gretchen ♪
葛蕾琴万岁
♪ Hail Gretchen. Hail ♪
葛蕾琴万岁
♪ Hail Gretchen. Hail Gretchen ♪
在那之后事情接二连三发生现在我就在这里
After that, one thing led to another, and here I am.
全都是因为我使用美容教会的力量让这一切发生
All because I willed it, using the power of Cosmetology.
唯一阻止你发挥你的潜力的东西
The only thing stopping you from actualating your own potentiality
就是太阳利用月亮把外星人♥弹♥入你的大脑
is the sun using the moon to bounce aliens into your brain.
所以这不是我的错罗
So it's not my fault.
什么都不是
Nothing is!
除了当你获得成功那都是因为你真的很棒
Except when you succeed. Then that's 'cause you're amazing.
只要有足够的钱
With enough money,
美容教会就能杀死所有的外星人
Cosmetology can kill all aliens on contact.
这太赞了
This is amazing!
我能见到你的机率有多少
What are the chances that I would meet you?
百分之十五万
A hundred and fifty thousand percent.
Mm.
是我让我们俩见面
I, uh... I actualated this meeting...
因为我也需要什么金柏莉
because I need something too, Kimberly.
一个老婆
A wife.
你是要我嫁给你吗
Are you asking me to marry you?
我们今晚就能结婚
We can do it tonight
就在地球上最浪漫的地方
in the most romantic place on Earth:
佛罗里达州清水市市中心
downtown Clearwater, Florida.
你不会质疑宇宙为什么会给你你需要的东西
You don't question why the universe gives you what you need.
你要直接拿去因为这是你应得的
You take it 'cause you deserve it.
可是我们才刚认识
But we just met.
达美航♥空♥三个礼拜内有另一架飞往伦敦的班机
And Delta has another flight to London in less than three weeks.
你会变得很有钱宝贝
You'll be rich, baby.
你可以随时飞去伦敦
You can fly to London anytime you want.
我会成为杰克直男太太
I'd be Mrs. Jack Straightman.
我还是可以留很短的短发吗
Could I still get a really short haircut?
我会很喜欢
I'd like that.
会发生这一切都是因为我选择搭上那架飞机
This is all happening because I chose to get on that plane.
我做到了
I-I did it.
我是靠自己做到的
I did this.
好吧杰克
Yes, Jack!
我会嫁给你
I'll marry you!
Ah.
我会替我们弄到那笔钱贾姬
I'm gonna get us that money, Jackie,
因为我有一个计划我…
because I got a plan, and I...
我做不到
I can't do this.
因为我爱杰…
Because I love Jack.
贾姬波莉塔诺
... ie. Politano.
那是你的名字
That's your name.
吼拜托我就知道你会失败
Oh, for God's sakes. I knew you'd fail.
如果我们不搬出去他们就会杀了我们
If we don't move out, they're gonna kill us.
可是我有展开全新人生的门票
But I got the ticket to our new life.
就在这里
Right here.
你要打给美国国铁
You're gonna call Amtrak!
天啊不
Jesus, no.
我刚才在留言给你然后莉莉恩闯进来
I was leaving you a message earlier, and Lillian came in,
我没挂断
and I never hung up!
我录下莉莉恩威胁要杀死我们的录音
I recorded Lillian threatening to kill us!
我们只要把录音交给联邦调查局
We give this to the feds,
就能加入证人保护计划
and we can go into witness protection.
我们会在新的城市有一栋新房♥子
We'll get a new house in a new city,
甚至会有全新的名字
even a new name!
我们可以重新来过
We could start over.
所以我得想出全新的名字
So I'm gonna have to come up with a new name.
罗
Row...
南
nun...
法
Fair...
洛
row.
罗南法洛
Ronan Farrow.
很好
Yeah.
我一逮到机会
Hey, first chance I get,
就会在我的屁♥眼♥藏一根冰棍然后用来刺你的眼睛
I'm gonna hide a icicle in my butt and stab you in the eye with it!
完全无关的事哦我能不能找份在厨房♥的工作
Oh, unrelated: could I get a job in the kitchen?
巴比
Bobby?
巴比德斯特
Bobby Durst?
不我是他的妹妹萝柏蒂娜德斯特
No, uh, I'm his sister, Robertina Durst.
而且我是哑巴
And I'm mute.
我亲爱的巴比
My sweet Bobby. Oh!
经过这么多年以后
After all these years.
我在马桶里面酿制葡萄酒
I made wine in the toilet.
Ohh.
坐牢会很好玩
Prison's gonna be fun.
好吧
孩子们
（邓斯维尔）
欢迎来到你们全新的家园
Welcome to your new hometown, Mr. and Mrs....
巴特法吉先生太太
Buttfudge.
那为什么会是我们的名字
Why does that have to be our name?
准备好要看你们的房♥子了吗
You ready to see your house?
我们没收一个把女人关在地下碉堡的变♥态♥狂的房♥子
We seized it from some creep who kept women in a bunker.
-我是男同志 -你以为我不知道吗
- I'm gay! - You think I don't know that?
我不敢相信我终于看到伦敦了
I can't believe I finally got to see London.
-好棒的蜜月假期哦 -对啊
- What a honeymoon. - Yes.
我超爱所有的性♥爱♥ 还有跟你一起做♥爱♥