善地

The Good Place S03E13

Part 2 Dec. 11, 2019, 3:32 p.m.

All right, I gotta get ready for the next person.
那我就来个"普通朋友"式道别
Well then, I will say good-bye to you platonically
就像这里的正常居民跟"建筑师"说再见一样
the same way a resident would say good-bye to an Architect.
埃莉诺约翰看见我们怎么办
Eleanor, what if John had seen us?
我很心慌然而还有点小性奋呢
I'm scared, and yet somehow turned on?
心慌就会撩起欲♥火♥
Scared is the best way to be horny.
不懂了吧姐教你
Now who's doing the teaching?
好吧你厉害
Hey, now, all right.
欢迎新居民
再高一点谢谢
A little higher. Thank you.
塔哈妮·阿贾米尔
Tahani Al-Jamil.
是我我们认识吗
Yes? Do I know you?
不认识但我知道你
No, no, but I know you.
我以前总在博客上发关于你的博文
I used to write about you all the time on my blog.
"八卦茅厕"
"The Gossip Toilet."
我们就是发明了奥尔森姐妹成年倒计时表的人
We were the ones that invented the Olsen twins countdown clock for when they became legal.
这对姐妹于18岁成为美国双星娱乐集团公♥司♥的总裁
就是我们的博客我们干的
That was our blog. That was us.
天呐你以前对我吐槽挺狠啊
My. You were quite mean to me.
不那才不是吐槽呢
No. I wouldn't call it mean, okay?
我们的目标是上流社会的豪门
My targets were rich and high status
我只是当起"名流圈纪检委" 向权贵讲真话
and I was just doing the important work of telling truth to power.
你是什么情况啊
So, wait, what about you, huh?
你死在加拿大啊
You died in Canada?
太奇葩了丢脸丢到姥姥家了
That is so weird and embarrassing.
就像死亡版"不小心走光"
That's like the nip slip of dying...
好了我们稍后再叙吧
Okay, listen. We're gonna catch up later.
我等不及听你聊新鼻子的事了
I can't wait to hear all about your new nose.
不我没整过鼻子
No. I didn't get a nose job.
我知道但既然上天堂了
I know, I just figured we're in heaven
那不如趁这个机会修整一下缺陷对吧
so we might as well fix all of our flaws, right?
比如我吧
Like, look at me.
哥绝对要换张脸
Nothing is staying on this face.
天呐
Gosh.
一定是特别的缘分我们才会在死后相聚啊
What are the odds that you and I would end up spending eternity together?
埃莉诺迈克尔吾乃塔哈妮
Eleanor, Michael, it is I, Tahani.
我们都认识你亲
Yeah, we know, babe.
怎么了
What's wrong?
我认识约翰应该说他认识我
I know John-- rather, he knows me.
他生前是个八卦营销号♥ 经常黑我
He's a gossip columnist who tortured me on Earth.
他说我没内涵
He made it seem like I was shallow,
还喜欢羡慕嫉妒恨
plagued with jealousy,
还各种爱作死
and prone to fits of melodrama.
-啥意思 -你还没明白吗
- What are you saying? - Don't you see?
"恶地"没有选什么大恶人
The Bad Place didn't pick the worst people.
他们选了让我们抓狂的人
They picked the people who would be the worst for us.
想到了我怎么没预料到这点
Of course. How did I not anticipate this?
肖恩没选什么连环杀手
Shawn didn't just choose a bunch of serial killers.
他选了令你们抓狂的人你们的宿敌
He chose your tormenters or arch rivals.
以及前任
Or exes.
这些喵的混♥蛋♥
Those motherforkers.
这太没节操了也显然不合规矩
This is insane and obviously against the rules.
很可惜并没违规哦傻缺
Yeah, too bad it's not, dill hole.
她会记得他们
She'll remember them.
这会毁了实验的公正性法官阁下
It's going to destroy the integrity of the experiment, Your Honor.
另外我现在还要和一个
Plus, now I have to live next to a man
曾经污蔑我没有去吹牛老爹的"白色派对"
who once lied and said I wasn't at Diddy's White Party.
著名饶舌歌♥手
我去了埃莉诺
I was there, Eleanor.
我真去了你得信我啊
I was. You must believe me.
而且西蒙妮这样一直睡着我们怎么提升她啊
And how are we gonna make Simone better when she's asleep the whole time?
都没反应
Hello?
这让人怎么操作
We can't work with this.
法官阁下你从没规定
Your Honor, you never stipulated that
我们不能选跟他们有关联的人
we couldn't choose people who had some sort of connection to them.
而西蒙妮这么巧就死了
And Simone just happened to die on Earth,
这事不能再妙了
which was really, really cool...
你想知道她怎么死的吗奇迪
You wanna know how it happened, Chidi?
超级搞笑
It's hilarious.
不想知道
No!
好了我的判决如下
Okay, here's my ruling.
"新版四人组"和"初代四人组"有人际联♥系♥
It's not against the rules for the four new humans
这不违反规则
to have connections to the original four.
-西蒙妮和约翰可以留下 -傻眼了吧
- Simone and John can stay. - Booyah.
但这招有点阴
But it was kind of a dirty trick,
所以西蒙妮跟你们见面前迈克尔可以抹去她的记忆
so Michael can erase Simone's memory to the point before she met any of you.
行祝你跟前任相处愉快奇迪
Fine. Have fun with your ex, Chidi.
人类下国际象棋时将对方逼至绝境
What's that thing you humans say when you're playing chess
常说的那句话是什么来着
and you trap your opponent into an inescapable position?
想起来了吃我一屁傻叉
Right. Eat butt, you ding dongs.
好了打起精神队友们
Okay, okay. Focus, team.
我和迈克尔给西蒙妮做好准备
Michael and I will prep for Simone.
塔哈妮看好约翰
Tahani, keep an eye on John.
杰森谁也别理哪也别去老实待着
Jason, talk to no one. Go nowhere. Do nothing.
我一定不负重托
I won't let you down.
动起来吧小伙伴
Okay, go, guys.
-你还好吧 -我不好
- Are you okay? - I-- no.
这必须不好啊
Very obviously, no.
你可以在这里待上一百年
Look, you could spend 100 years in this neighborhood
都不碰上西蒙妮
before you even run into Simone.
避开她很容易
It'll be easy to avoid her.
不避开她有悖我们的初衷
No, no, but we don't want me to avoid her.
我们的目的就是我教他们道德学引他们向善
The whole plan is that I'm supposed to help them learn ethics so they can improve.
好好这事稍后再议
Okay, okay. We can deal with that later.
我们先一步一步来
Let's just take this step by step.
第一步你先走
Step one, you leave
我可以将你前女友从死后昏迷状态中唤醒
so I can snap your amnesiac ex-girlfriend out of her post-death coma
欢迎她来到假天堂
and welcome her into fake heaven.
这是第一步吗
That's step one?
-珍妮特 -你好
- Janet? - Hi, there.
说说看你觉得这算无情吐槽吗
Give me your opinion. Is this a savage insult?
"衬衫不错设计师是谁
"Nice shirt. Who designed it?
设计师马克·雅克布创立了同名品牌马克·雅克布
马克·假克布吗"
Marc Fake-obs?"
对你们这类人而言
For people in your social class,
无情程度是84%
that is 84% savage.
但他有29%的几率会作出如下反应
Although there is a 29% chance he responds,
捂着胸口控诉 "扎心了老铁"
"Honey," in a tone so devastating
你会就此愧疚难安
you will think of it every day for the rest of time.
有意思我要去吐槽他
I like those odds. I'll go lay it on him now.
不
No.
这样就如了"恶地"的意
That's exactly what the Bad Place wants me to do.
他们派约翰来就是想让我重蹈覆辙
They sent John here to drag me back into my old patterns--
焦虑不安偶像包袱重
insecurity, obsession with social status.
我绝不能如了他们的意
I shan't let it happen.
约翰你能来这儿真好
John, I'm happy you're here with me.
我们俩都会从中受益
This is going to be good for both of us,
我愿意放下过去的成见
and I look forward to putting the past behind us
跟你做朋友
and becoming your friend.
天呐你真蠢萌
My God. You are so cute.
一把年纪了还装嫩恶心得我想吐
You are so cute, it's gross. You disgust me.
我爱你快滚开
I love you. Get out of here.
我再也不想看到你我好爱你喔
I never want to see you again. I love you so much.
你好西蒙妮我是埃莉诺
Hi, Simone. I'm Eleanor.
请进
Come on in.
作为一名神经科学家
So, as a neuroscientist,
你得知"死后世界"的存在会觉得惊讶吗
are you surprised there's an afterlife?
其实还挺惊讶的
I am, frankly.
有一种合理的猜测
I mean, there's a decent chance
这一切只是一种复杂的电化反应
this entire thing is just a complex electrochemical reaction
因为我离世一毫秒后脑神经突触产生了随机冲动
caused by my synapses randomly firing in the millisecond after my death.
但这个酸奶冰淇淋美味得让人想犯罪
But this fro-yo is amazing,
所以我就配合一下你们的演出吧